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Break up after 6 years

js420

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Jul 4, 2020
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44
So me and my partner of 6 years who I have 2 kids with have split up recently(shes 29 im 28). Its always been an up and down relationship, especially the past 2 years after not loving together but still trying to make things work.

The problems were on me, I threw some of her child hood barbies out recently and that was the final straw for her. I really regretted doing it afterwards, and still do. Along with that ive been miserable towards her, not giving her what she wants, verbally abusive(especially when ive been drinking and using benzos) and she tells me she has just felt alone for the past 2 years, which is understandable.

I have alot of anxiety and depression from a decade of heavy cannabis use, amoung other drugs. A couple of weeks before we broke up I started seeing a psychologist to help me change my mind set, and really show me a different perspective of myself. Ive had to quit smoking as im getting drug tested now. Im really trying to change myself and I feel like using weed the whole time made me seem not interested in her(and every single thing in life aswell, no motivation to do anything)

Now shes using dating apps, says shes interested in someone and is pursuing that slowly. I still have very strong feelings for her, it sucks. Having a 3 yr old son and 1 yr old daughter dosent help either as we need to communicate about them so ill always see her.

Ive been reading online today about a 30 day no contact period. I want to know what people think about this, it makes sense to me as hard as it is and I want her back. I dont see myself with anyone else but she says she dosent have feelings for me at the moment, dosent even consider us friends.

Thanks bluelight.
 

empeebee

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Hi @js420 and welcome to BL.

That's really tough, splitting up after 6 years. IMO a trial separation is a good thing and have been through similar. No contact other than scheduled 'phone or video calls, 1 call per week for 8 or 12 weeks depending on how the situation changes over the time.
Not saying this will get you guys back together, but it will help confirming whether there is a future for you as a couple. If not, it is better to separate while the kids are still young and haven't developed deep emotional bonds yet. It will still be good for you to see them of course, but you have to do what is best for them.

You do need to sort yourself out first though, this should be your top priority. Don't be one of those dicks who promises everything and anything just to get back together then relapse as soon as you are back together. That is just a form of emotional & mental abuse on your partner and, as your kids get older, will be emotional & mental abuse on them too.
 

js420

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Jul 4, 2020
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44
Thanks for your reply E.

To be blunt, I was growing weed for years and always had an unlimited supply of it, got raided, lost everything, got court in a month and im doing a drug testing program that will spand 6 months, over 4 court appearances. I always knew untill i got raided nothing was going to change.

Thats why things are much different now. Ive always wanted to stop smoking, I know how badly it effects my mind and day to day life.

I think the hardest thing for me and almost sets a panick attack off is the thought that i dont speak to her for a period of time and she develops feelings for this new person, or other people. Its gut wrenching i just want ro cry eh
 

empeebee

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So the upside is you get to stay sober for 6 months. Difficult but do-able. Possible upside is that absence might make the hearts grow fonder. Possible downside though is you may now have some competing to do for your lady-love's affection and to get her trust back.

But you have to let her be her. She has her life and you have yours. You messed your life up just a little bit, and you'll learn from it (hopefully). Don't mess her life up, not even a little bit, that's not fair to her.

Sorry to be corny as all hell but "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be." - I'll see myself out...
 

madness00

Sr. Moderator: NMI, MH, CD, SLR
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I think if you have some time to work on yourself, and she has some time to cool down, things could work out.

And welcome noob.

:p
 

js420

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Jul 4, 2020
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Thanks Madness

I have so much anxiety, i cant sleep at all i just keeping thinking about her connecting with another guy. Im giving myself panick attacks. I dont know how im going to stop myself from contacting her i am seriously struggling here.
 

F.U.B.A.R.

Moderator: BDD, OD, LAVA
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So you're a druggie. Is she? If not, how does she feel about your use of drugs? How does she feel about the fact you got your home raided by the police?

Some people are just incompatible.

But if it's any consolation, there is no couple more incompatible than me and the wife - and we're pushing 30 years together.
 

madness00

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Thanks Madness

I have so much anxiety, i cant sleep at all i just keeping thinking about her connecting with another guy. Im giving myself panick attacks. I dont know how im going to stop myself from contacting her i am seriously struggling here.
Just know that she had and maybe still has feelings for you.

Not all is lost just yet.

You still may have some control.

People connect all the time. But that doesn't mean they choose them.
 

js420

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I smoked weed and am prescribed valium. Thats all i use. Yes she also smoked it and we did benzo amoung other drugs in the past, she was getting free weed so didnt have a problem with me doing it. We dont live together.
 

empeebee

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jealousy. We had plans to get married and were engaged.
Hmm, if you will tolerate some pseudo armchair-psychology, perhaps you are thinking more about yourself and your emotions than you are thinking about her? That is not love, that is ownership/possession.

From my experience seems you are gonna have to work your magic & charm and win her back. BUT, sort yourself out first or you're gonna go through this again sometime soon.
 

js420

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Jul 4, 2020
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44
Cant just flick a switch in my brain that makes me stop loving and wanting her, ofcourse im concerned and jealous about my own emotions and her talking to other guys.
 

jose ribas da silva

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You need to tell her your feelings, everything, open yourself to the last drop, assume all your mistakes, make real promises and adhere to them, and that's what you can do, let her know how important she is for you, if this is not sufficient, perhaps it is done
 

Phantasia

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Sep 7, 2018
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53
js420, first of all I’m sorry that you are mourning the loss of your relationship. But remember, this relationship produced two amazing little humans that will always be your flesh and blood.
Second, congrats on your sobriety! That is huge and I know you can do it. Please use this thread or pm if you need support or just want to talk.
Lastly, I would love a switch that could turn off my emotions. But alas, no such luck for either of us. Just remember, the world if full of amazing people whom would light up your life. There are lots of soulmates for us out there. IMO, focus on yourself and your children right now. Try to build a working relationship with her for the sake of your children. But if the final straw was throwing out old Barbies, then it is time to move on. Sorry to say but I think you and her would be much better off without each other.
Just remember: it can’t rain forever. You will come out of this time a stronger man who will be able to move on to a healthy and happy relationship.
We are here for you 💜
 

thegreenhand

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Sorry to hear your not feeling hot but also really glad to hear you're getting yourself back on your feet by seeing the psychologist and stopping weed for a while. Those are not easy steps to take, especially when you're feeling down!
 
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