This is not a dicksizing contest entry, it's a longer post for HR's sake and therapy for me. I'm not fantasizing my past.
I moved to AZ in the early '00s. After I had already started my two serious drug habits. I had just sold my house and walked away with $80k in profit. I had zero debts and a newer vehicle, but the love of my life had left me - her habits were as bad but different. I'd left a great career to try to save my marriage.
While still in living in our home I found in short order I was alone and willingly, wanting to do 4 - 10 day runs no sleep, no fatigue, no problem. Well, sort of, let me explain...
For a while I was more into the h than the amp b/f the move divorce and my move to AZ, but that changed as my needs changed - I had to sell the house.
Let me stop here to warn or affirm a concern some people that suddenly fall into serious cash I feel should consider if they are drug users, gamblers, into high end hookers - anything expensive and self-defeating - force fiduciary oversight on yourself!
Make it so you cannot spend your money without someone with your best interests in mind to need to sign off physically on your spending anything significant and to prevent you from slowly draining it.
I was alone and loaded, lonely and getting more addicted - I did not foresee the cash influx, I'd have gone to hell in either case. The money simply made it easier, faster and worse when I ran out. I cannot steal or take money, etc... from people, that was my saving grace, that and methadone:
I moved to AZ w/ $80k. Within a week, I was buying 8-balls of excellent blow for 1/4 the price in L.A., pocket change. Black tar h multi-gram purchases, and the most gorgeous, hometown, RP/I d-methamp I've ever seen to this day.
That d-meth was my DOC for the first six months at least. I slept maybe seven to ten nights a month, and suffered very little for doing so.
I do NOT recommend anyone try this just b/c I did and I make it sound easy if you have pure gear - don't forget the need to spend a lot of cash!
I was very near the SW border so I got most things @ 1/2 or less than the cost up country, and all of it was as pure as possible. People catch on quick when you're running habits like mine in a new town, esp. a city saturated with drugs and competing dealers.
On runs, I would count the days and know it was 6 AM not PM by the thud of the newspaper hitting the front porch, no shit and I bet others here have done the same.
Slam - let's see it must be, 6AM Friday and that was thud #5. Five days. I'd feel very good at this point if I ate well and was hydrated and nobody fucked with me, leave me alone was my mantra. Is that a good life?
I think my record is when I realized three weekends had passed (14 -15 days) but I felt fine, maybe a bit tired or sore, but really it could have been day two as far as I felt physically and emotionally. I never got psychosis beyond the bathroom fans talking like a crowded bar, but never could hear words clearly.
My hook-up gave me a dilaudid tablet the afternoon of the last day of that longest run, I think it was one of my last long runs, I do not recall. One 8-mg tab. I took it and continued to smoke when I got home that evening. Within probably ten minutes I fell asleep smoothly, unexpectedly with the pipe in one hand and the lighter in the other.
I stopped that habit altogether, but only b/c I wanted to move on to perfect an
I strongly advise anyone who thinks this sounds like fun to try to imagine the days I just couldn't get moving w/o tweaking. My life was not on my schedule, though I believed it was. I could score damn near anything at anytime within a few hours. Most of which I didn't want. I never was without dope (m or h) over a several year period.
Imagine how that worked out for me. Want some company? Not the best choices in friends when you're going hardcore and got there fast in a new town.
Imagine all the hunger - for love, life, food, drink, companionship - genuine to the core lonely and depressed but not feeling any of it until you're coming down so I didn't let ever happen 100%.
Knowing it's what I was running from, but slowly was getting worse and manifest for me as drug abuse and self-isolation. Without the stress of needing cash or doing crappy drugs it became a mirage to me. I thought since I was able to support it, it's under control.
Nice apartment, clean and neat. But I was a pig on two legs and higher than fuck.
Sill sound good, better than where you're at now, you'd take my former situation in a heartbeat and do better than I? Keep reading...
It's actually a hell life but it did feel good 75% of the time. It was a hollow-ish feel good, until I got into nodding off alone six hours at a time only to repeat until I had to go out to score again, or before then tweaking at 4 AM and realizing you haven't showered and don't want to b/c you hate your briused arms and skinny legs? Take more drugs.
Imagine being arrested during all this? I never was, but I was very careful and very, very fortunate.
There are many ways to find your way into a situation like mine w/o being me, w/o having all that cash and instant gratification by having all the drugs so readily accessible. And if your DOC is meth, it isn't any better than any other expensive habit - yes it was cheap & pretty damn pure - but it added up fast as tolerances grew immensely.
If you fall into a large amount of cash or can generate it yourself and like drugs, you have a set up for a terrible poly-drug dependency.
Meth, heroin, coke & alcohol when not on opies, xannax as a snack and so forth was what I choose to use my cash for, that and music. I did go to a lot of concerts, but that was the best of it. Bars when I had a ride.
$80k in about year and another $60k in the following six months, despite being where the drugs were as inexpensive and as pure as anywhere - ex. the bth but it was the cleanest bth I've seen or had over the past 15 - 20 years.
This is not a glory story, it ended in a terrible way. The looses I sustained during and in the following years tore me apart and have fucked me up to this day. Many of you know this pain as well or worse than I.
I'm still working out issues and relapsing on heroin regularly, I have a modest but slavish benzo habit, my sub physician is expensive, my body is shot, my mind is slowly going.
I am financially OK now, but older, wiser(?) and regretful - so I don't touch my rebuilt nest egg. Even when I relapse, I use money I'm earning for that.
My life is half what it could be and I'm working hard to recliam that other 50% but it is a sturggle and a half. The hardest days of my life may be behind me but I am by no means loving life.
