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Recovery ⫸⫸ THE RECOVERY THREAD 2021 ⫷⫷

Blankenstein

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 19, 2021
Messages
182
Thanks @chinup yeh I haven’t drunk today either and don’t think I will tomorrow.

I plan on not using any benzos while I’m back. Opiates... I’m going to try not to.

yeh will definitely be surfing when I get back and have some sober activities planned with friends. I’m actually really looking forward to cooking in my own kitchen and eating some healthy stuff.

im going to try getting to the gym as well. I would like to get back into running after that 10km fun run last week.

see how I go 🤷‍♂️ I’m feeling some what optimistic at the moment. It’s amazing how shit I feel mentally when I’m drinking all the time and then just a couple of days sober I see things in a much better light.

thanks for the suggestions really appreciate them.
 

Blankenstein

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 19, 2021
Messages
182
Didn’t last too long 😞 ... flew back home this arvo. At the airport my workmate was keen on a beer so we had one, then I bough us another. In the Uber on the way home I got some vodka. Took me a couple of hours to start drinking it. Such a struggle to beat that impulse, I truely hate this shit. I didn’t want too but was feeling super anxious and on edge at home with it just sitting there. Had a few in quick succession.

I already feel super down about it. Bit of a 180 degrees from yesterday...

And obviously then I contacted a few people to organise some opiates for tomorrow. I hate this shit.

24 hours ago I was so excited to get home now I just feel depressed. I’ll try and get my shit together.

At least my dog was excited to see me. I love her so much. It sucks every time I get home from work she is greyer and a little slower, but she probably thinks the same of me...
 

n3ophy7e

Moderator: TDS, H&R, MH
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Didn’t last too long 😞 ... flew back home this arvo. At the airport my workmate was keen on a beer so we had one, then I bough us another. In the Uber on the way home I got some vodka. Took me a couple of hours to start drinking it. Such a struggle to beat that impulse, I truely hate this shit. I didn’t want too but was feeling super anxious and on edge at home with it just sitting there. Had a few in quick succession.

I already feel super down about it. Bit of a 180 degrees from yesterday...

And obviously then I contacted a few people to organise some opiates for tomorrow. I hate this shit.

24 hours ago I was so excited to get home now I just feel depressed. I’ll try and get my shit together.

At least my dog was excited to see me. I love her so much. It sucks every time I get home from work she is greyer and a little slower, but she probably thinks the same of me...
This reminds me a lot of myself when I was reeeeally struggling with drinking and opiates, like, constantly battling with myself about it. It's a cliche for a reason but: You can't run from your problems mate :( You need to figure out what's going on inside of you that's making you want to numb yourself, then deal with THAT. In my experience no amount of new scenery or change of environment is going to fix things.
And how fucking amazing are dogs. Pure unconditional love <3
 

chinup

Moderator: H&R, EADD
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fuck @Blankenstein sorry to hear that. i hope it doesn't trun out worst case scenario and you at least manage to keep some of your plans with your mates rather than just getting fucked up for all your time off.

can you make a firm plan next time? i.e. figure out what went wrong this time, think drinking at the airport didn't help so maybe take antabuse; get shit planned, like get someone to meet you from the airport who isn't your dealer/a bad influence; plan not to, not to try not to, that is wiggle room for your brain.

i would have more material but i've completely lost the plot myself with how to maintain sobriety so even if i could remember the theory i would be hypocritical to suggest it to you. i am planning to stop on august 1st still. still dreading it. but i've told my mum, so while i'm at hers she'll keep me accountable, i hope.
 

birdup.snaildown

Greenlighter
Joined
Nov 5, 2020
Messages
2,537
Location
Somewhere
So I fell into bad habits again. Been smoking weed instead of eating it... plus all I have access to at the moment because of COVID restrictions is dirt weed. So I have to smoke shitloads of it and I have lesions forming on my oesophagus. So I shouldn't be smoking (or drinking) at all.

This is all anxiously echoing in my head when I smoke joints (which I do at least four - more like six - times a day) so I struggle to hold the smoke in long enough to bake myself a stone pie.

So I drink more because I'm not getting stoned. I also like the illusion of alcohol numbing my throat. If I'm fucked up enough, I start to think I'm invincible and I puff harder.

My problem with smoking (as opposed to tinctures - and to a lesser extent edibles) is you get too fucked up. This applies to most drugs.

If you make a weak tincture, you can titrate with confidence. 12 drops or 35 drops, rather than 2 drops or 3.

Smoking cones is the worst, unless you're sufficiently balanced with fringe doses of amphetamines or psychedelic amphetamines.

Bongs are not only disgusting (unless you are the one in a thousand that cleans your bong often enough), they're also the cannabis equivalent of a drunk person downing two double Jagerbombs.

Smoke isn't good for your lungs.
Vapor is basically smoke.

Edibles are all over the place in terms of potency.

Tincture is where it's at.

I bought myself two time-lock boxes today. I've struggled with sustaining will power for too long... Why wash dishes by hand if you have a dishwasher?

I prefer eating weed. I hate smoking. It's unhealthy. Vaporizing is unhealthy too... But, I honestly don't think marijuana has to be unhealthy.

If you grind up some primo buds and dissolve them on a spoon before injecting them into your veins. Well, that's not going to end well. But that doesn't mean eating weed is bad for you.

Eating is certainly better than vaping.

I'm buying a Magical Butter Machine and I'm going to completely quit smoking. I already stopped for over a year in 2019-2020. It's not something - like alcohol - that I miss when it is gone.

I had some etizolam today. The pills are strong. They are not pharma grade. Testing has showed they are not pure etizolam, but that's to be expected.

Whatever this pill is, it fucks me up more than I would expect it to. I very rarely indulge in these thienobenzodiazepines... but today was a long day.

I like talking a small amount of benzos/thienobenzos with a small amount of alcohol rather than no benzos or theinos with lots of alcohol.

I will post some trip reports dissecting this.
 

BenzoBrain^^

Bluelighter
Joined
May 25, 2021
Messages
518
woop woop!!! did a day without drinking yesterday and did not crave alcohol....

but, i was in a&e. my chest got really bad due to hayfever but they needed to run a lot of blood tests and do a chest x ray to make sure nothing more sinister was going on. was feeling really unwell but massively relieved that i quit smoking last year, and have worked hard on healing my lungs since i got clean. could have been so much worse.

throat still feels fucked and i'm taking the day off work to recover. i'm an idiot though. i've never wheezed due to hayfever til this year and seeing a doctor about it was on my to do list but i'd not got round to it. it hadn't occurred to me if i left it untreated i'd end up ambulancing it to hospital.
Your posts in this thread have given me hope. I am currently on my 2nd stint with alcoholism since April this year. Massive amounts of whisky with some vodka and rum mixed in. Probably 150oz within last 3-4 days. My friends take away my cellphone when I'm drunk because I constantly drop it and other things lol. Only downside is if my mother calls me and I don't answer, she calls the police for a wellness check and I get 4 officers outside my door.

It is extremely difficult and dangerous to come off benzos and booze at the same time..the longest I have gone sober is 4 days.
 
Last edited:

tired of crap

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 26, 2009
Messages
1,315
Been a minute since I’ve been here

I’ve got nearly 2 weeks sans alcohol. During a trip last week I decided it’s likely better if I just never drink booze again.

I knew it when I quit for 18months but life stress and not gaf brought me back to drinking, and shortly thereafter alcoholism. I’ve quit for weeks at a time, a number of times, since last June. Every time, once I start doing better I delude myself that just once won’t hurt... but I drink an excessive amount. Couple days later more drinking ensues and then it snow balls to nearly every day.

So why even start again?
I mean, by no means will I quit drugs lol... or at least not the ones I can indulge upon occasion. But I should know by now which drugs I have a problem with. Alcohol (and dissociatives and benzos) are simply not substance(s) I can enjoy responsibly
 

n3ophy7e

Moderator: TDS, H&R, MH
Staff member
Joined
Apr 30, 2006
Messages
30,988
Location
Dex's room
Well done @tired of crap that is really good to hear!! Keep it up! I've been sober from booze now for *counting in my head...* nearly 5 months. I don't actually keep count because I personally find that it puts too much pressure on myself. So I just take each day as it comes. I very rarely actually crave alcohol now. Other drugs? Yes, but thankfully I've made it increasingly difficult for myself to get drugs so if/when I crave something, I usually just push the thought out of my head straight away because it's not even worth dwelling on.
Anyway, you've learned from previous experience that "just one drink" is not actually just one drink, and it quickly becomes out of control. Try to keep that in mind whenever you feel like "just one". You got this man! And keep us updated <3
 

chinup

Moderator: H&R, EADD
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Aug 1, 2010
Messages
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@birdup.snaildown moving away from smoking entirely sounds great. i remember when i smoked weed all the time how often that '1 spliff is 20 cigs' line we got fed in school went round my heard, no idea if its even true lol. but it diminished the experience somewhat.

@BenzoBrain^^ sorry to hear about your alcohol consumption. that does sound like a lot. i hope i can continue to provide some hope for you.

and @tired of crap well done!! that is amazing!!! i hope to be in a similar boat soon.

today is AUgust 1st. the day i said i would draw a line under this shit.

i still feel motivated to do so but there is already a spanner in the works- my parents are going away for a few nights this week. all going well i'll have 3 days sober by the time they go, but that isn't enough!!! my brain is going haywire. its made me more confident i can get the first 3 days but it just feels impossible to not drink once they go away. so i'm setting myself up for failure already.
 

tired of crap

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 26, 2009
Messages
1,315
Thanks @n3ophy7e
I’m the same with counting. I never know to the day, just an approximate. Like you say it just adds unnecessary pressure

My house mate had a friend over last night and they were drinking . It crossed my mind more than I’d like to admit to make a run to the store or mooch some. Usually I’d take the edge of with some weed but pot seems to stimulate me and given the time I couldn’t justify another night with 5 hrs of sleep. So I had to excuse myself and hide downstairs lolz

@chinup
My advice would be; rather than look at it as the whole week deal with individual cravings as they arise. Also, try and keep yourself busy. As the say idle hands are the devils workshop.... not sure I believe in all those omnipotent god/devil fables but the more engaged I am, the less I fixate on the cravings and in turn, the less I drink
 

Blankenstein

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 19, 2021
Messages
182
today is AUgust 1st. the day i said i would draw a line under this shit.

i still feel motivated to do so but there is already a spanner in the works- my parents are going away for a few nights this week. all going well i'll have 3 days sober by the time they go, but that isn't enough!!! my brain is going haywire. its made me more confident i can get the first 3 days but it just feels impossible to not drink once they go away. so i'm setting myself up for failure already.
Stick to the plan! Look up what meetings are on for the days when they will be away and write down a day plan for each of the days they will be away.

what’s your boyfriend doing (drinking wise) at the moment?

have a run, a meeting and a heathy meal planned to cook for those three nights your folks are away. Organise to meet up with friends on those 3 days. Have a good movie ready to go on Netflix for those 3 nights.

you can and will get through this first hurdle and when you do you will feel so amazing for doing so. It will only make your resolve stronger for the next challenge.

I mean hell you beat a heroin and crack addiction, you can/will do this.

Stick to the plan! You got this!
 

Blankenstein

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 19, 2021
Messages
182
This reminds me a lot of myself when I was reeeeally struggling with drinking and opiates, like, constantly battling with myself about it. It's a cliche for a reason but: You can't run from your problems mate :( You need to figure out what's going on inside of you that's making you want to numb yourself, then deal with THAT. In my experience no amount of new scenery or change of environment is going to fix things.
And how fucking amazing are dogs. Pure unconditional love <3
Yeh man I totally agree… I am aware there is some serious introspective work I need to do and address. I guess I’m just not ready at the moment to do so. So I end up tredding water and trying to move forward, which doesn’t work very well unless I deal with said issues.

thanks for your reply man. And yes dogs are the best! Currently lying on the couch with my goofy dog who’s rearranging all the cushions until they are in the right spot according to her haha.

are you currently drinking and using opiates?
 

Blankenstein

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 19, 2021
Messages
182
So I fell into bad habits again. Been smoking weed instead of eating it... plus all I have access to at the moment because of COVID restrictions is dirt weed. So I have to smoke shitloads of it and I have lesions forming on my oesophagus. So I shouldn't be smoking (or drinking) at all.

This is all anxiously echoing in my head when I smoke joints (which I do at least four - more like six - times a day) so I struggle to hold the smoke in long enough to bake myself a stone pie.

So I drink more because I'm not getting stoned. I also like the illusion of alcohol numbing my throat. If I'm fucked up enough, I start to think I'm invincible and I puff harder.

My problem with smoking (as opposed to tinctures - and to a lesser extent edibles) is you get too fucked up. This applies to most drugs.

If you make a weak tincture, you can titrate with confidence. 12 drops or 35 drops, rather than 2 drops or 3.

Smoking cones is the worst, unless you're sufficiently balanced with fringe doses of amphetamines or psychedelic amphetamines.

Bongs are not only disgusting (unless you are the one in a thousand that cleans your bong often enough), they're also the cannabis equivalent of a drunk person downing two double Jagerbombs.

Smoke isn't good for your lungs.
Vapor is basically smoke.

Edibles are all over the place in terms of potency.

Tincture is where it's at.

I bought myself two time-lock boxes today. I've struggled with sustaining will power for too long... Why wash dishes by hand if you have a dishwasher?

I prefer eating weed. I hate smoking. It's unhealthy. Vaporizing is unhealthy too... But, I honestly don't think marijuana has to be unhealthy.

If you grind up some primo buds and dissolve them on a spoon before injecting them into your veins. Well, that's not going to end well. But that doesn't mean eating weed is bad for you.

Eating is certainly better than vaping.

I'm buying a Magical Butter Machine and I'm going to completely quit smoking. I already stopped for over a year in 2019-2020. It's not something - like alcohol - that I miss when it is gone.

I had some etizolam today. The pills are strong. They are not pharma grade. Testing has showed they are not pure etizolam, but that's to be expected.

Whatever this pill is, it fucks me up more than I would expect it to. I very rarely indulge in these thienobenzodiazepines... but today was a long day.

I like talking a small amount of benzos/thienobenzos with a small amount of alcohol rather than no benzos or theinos with lots of alcohol.

I will post some trip reports dissecting this.
Fuck man sorry to hear about the lesions on your oesophagus… sounds pretty rough, my dad ended up with oesophageal varices/holes in his oesphogus. Not very pleasant for him or his family.

you just gotta keep trying. Have you tried medication for the alcohol? Is weed legal in your state (assumingn you are in the US sorry if you aren’t…)

it sounds lie you have acess to benzos. Make sure you don’t go to hard and end up with a benzo habit/problem.
 

Blankenstein

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 19, 2021
Messages
182
Been a minute since I’ve been here

I’ve got nearly 2 weeks sans alcohol. During a trip last week I decided it’s likely better if I just never drink booze again.

I knew it when I quit for 18months but life stress and not gaf brought me back to drinking, and shortly thereafter alcoholism. I’ve quit for weeks at a time, a number of times, since last June. Every time, once I start doing better I delude myself that just once won’t hurt... but I drink an excessive amount. Couple days later more drinking ensues and then it snow balls to nearly every day.

So why even start again?
I mean, by no means will I quit drugs lol... or at least not the ones I can indulge upon occasion. But I should know by now which drugs I have a problem with. Alcohol (and dissociatives and benzos) are simply not substance(s) I can enjoy responsibly
Great work on getting 2 weeks up mate!

i do the same thing where i get in a good place sobriety wise then I self sabotage my self by drinking or using “just once”.

I think for me i do it because once I get sober I’m forced to look at myself in an unclouded way and deal with life, but when I’m drinking and using all I have to focus on is getting sober and not deal with how Life is passing me by…

hope you’re doing alright buddy, keep fighting it’s worth it!
 

chinup

Moderator: H&R, EADD
Staff member
Joined
Aug 1, 2010
Messages
6,133
Location
Greatest city on Earth
@chinup
My advice would be; rather than look at it as the whole week deal with individual cravings as they arise. Also, try and keep yourself busy. As the say idle hands are the devils workshop.... not sure I believe in all those omnipotent god/devil fables but the more engaged I am, the less I fixate on the cravings and in turn, the less I drink
thank you, i know you're right, frustrating as it is. keeping busy is a bit hard cos i'm out in the sticks til i get my new place sorted. my boyf is coming to stay with me but he's not 100% on board with me stopping drinking so i can't count on his support. even though he agrees i'm much better completely abstinent than drinking. he has said he will be abstinent with me when we start properly trying for a baby, i.e. when we get into our new house.


Stick to the plan! Look up what meetings are on for the days when they will be away and write down a day plan for each of the days they will be away.

what’s your boyfriend doing (drinking wise) at the moment?
yeah i should look up some meetings, i'll have a session witht he buddhist centre on thursday evening so that'll keep me busy. will look into NA too. my boyf is bringing his switch and when he's not about i might finally get some time to finish my replay of witcher 3.

not sure how my boyf is doing with his drinking- i think much less since he's been at home. though he's fucked his guitar fretting hand, had one operation and needs another, so he's been on quite a lot of morphine and codeine. though he's one of the people who just feels ill on it, doesn't find it recreational.
have a run, a meeting and a heathy meal planned to cook for those three nights your folks are away. Organise to meet up with friends on those 3 days. Have a good movie ready to go on Netflix for those 3 nights.
i have actually planned some healthy meals to cook. am back on my diet.... i regained some weight at my old place and assumed i'd lose it again when i got here but i've gained the same again!!!

thank you so much guys for your support.

so much for thinking my parents would help with accountability.... they offered me wine this evening. ffs. i didn't make a big deal of it, just said no. not craved alcohol at all thankfully.
 

n3ophy7e

Moderator: TDS, H&R, MH
Staff member
Joined
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Messages
30,988
Location
Dex's room
Yeh man I totally agree… I am aware there is some serious introspective work I need to do and address. I guess I’m just not ready at the moment to do so. So I end up tredding water and trying to move forward, which doesn’t work very well unless I deal with said issues.

thanks for your reply man. And yes dogs are the best! Currently lying on the couch with my goofy dog who’s rearranging all the cushions until they are in the right spot according to her haha.

are you currently drinking and using opiates?
Nah man I've been clean/sober for 5 months now :) I don't even think about drinking these days. My anxiety is pretty bad sometimes so I'd LOVE some benzos but I know I can't control myself with them so I don't bother. Plus I'm pregnant so I can't really have anything :)
 

Perforated

Moderator: SLR, DC
Staff member
Joined
Sep 28, 2019
Messages
9,007
It took a while getting from deciding to quit methamphetamine to actually putting down the pipe because I felt i needed to finish the ounce I’d bought for such a ridiculous amount of money. But it’s finally gone and getting through the last few grams of it actually felt pretty disgusting and I wasn’t doing it enthusiastically. In retrospect I can’t really understand why I persisted since at that time I received an inheritance in cash enough to buy a dozen ounces if I wished.

But now it’s new 48 hours now since I had a puff and I feel quite happy despite the brain fog rolling in and my IQ taking a real beating. I slept on and off through the first 24 hours with a combination of minimal doses of seroquel, valium and zolpidem. I got a lot of comfort from my dog who insisted on being cuddled pretty much the whole time I was trying to sleep. I feel a bit nervous because I haven’t paid the piper yet in any serious way. Usually it’s 2 days or so after quitting that I start to feel any real psychological distress. In the past, I’ve dealt with this mainly by taking plenty of seroquel and abilify.

This time I don’t want to become dependent on Seroquel or Abilify again. The withdrawal from both of them is A LOT worse than withdrawal from meth and lasts a lot longer. Plus I’m not quitting drugs altogether, my goal is to stop the definite harm meth is causing me while still being able to enjoy some psychedelics and dissociatives. In the past I’ve found psychadelics to greatly reduce my interest in stimulants and alcohol. Though I’m well aware they can create their own problems, not least renderings you incapable of participating in regular or family life for up to 48 hours at a time.

I also worry about some of my ongoing participation some areas of BL where I seem to be very involved in stim related stuff. I don’t know if that will be triggery or if I’ll just become like a reformed nicotine addict who evangelises total abstinence from it.
 

hylite

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 23, 2021
Messages
1,861
now i always feel the need for weed.
a lot. it kindled out of control since i quit for six weeks.

i need pain management that is trustworthy.
 

hylite

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 23, 2021
Messages
1,861
I can't stop getting high. I can't I can't I can't. It makes me feel better. With the pain medication situ also. 🌻
Thank you everyone. It means so much. 👍🏼
 

birdup.snaildown

Greenlighter
Joined
Nov 5, 2020
Messages
2,537
Location
Somewhere
If i wanted to consume etizalom a couple of times a week in very small doses would i ever decelop dependency or withdrawal symptoms?

What about once as week?
 
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