• HEALTH &
    RECOVERY
    🌼 Welcome Guest 🌼
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules
  • H&R Moderators: chinup | VerbalTruist | n3ophy7e
  • Bluelight HOT THREADS
  • Let's Welcome Our NEW MEMBERS!

Recovery ⫸⫸ THE RECOVERY THREAD 2021 ⫷⫷

n3ophy7e

Moderator: TDS, H&R, MH
Staff member
Joined
Apr 30, 2006
Messages
30,899
Location
Dex's room
i am not feeling great. hungover. went out for a meal with my boyf last night to celebrate our last weekend living together in manchester. now we won't be living together until our house purchase has gone through. it was a fun day but at some point during the meal i twigged that if i just kept eating a bit more than i was comfortable with i could purge it when i got home. what a fucking idiot.

now he's gone out for fathers day and i'm here on my own. i just want to binge on alcohol and food and then purge. i'm trying not to. i have to get up at 6.30 to be out by 7.30 tomorrow morning as i'm travelling for work and i can't be in the state i'm in today. i think i'm stressed about moving. i'd been through a phase of purging earlier in the year and then kicked my ass to stop cos it makes me feel very unwell and i find it hard to stop once i start, especially when i'm so unhappy with my weight. i can't face doing it again so soon.
Oh damn it hun, I was bulimic for many many years so I truly know what you're going through. Does your partner know about it?? Can you talk to him about it? Being alone when eating is the worst and if you've already decided that you're going to do it, it's almost impossible to change your mind. But I used to find that distraction really helped me, after eating. Distract, distract, distract, distract, until it's too late to purge. Please feel free to message me if you wanna talk about it <3
 

Perforated

Moderator: SLR, DC
Staff member
Joined
Sep 28, 2019
Messages
9,006
I’m feeling pretty good today. I felt very bad over the weekend because my 80 year old mum had a fall and ended up in hospital and I was too ridiculously fucked up to be of any assistance to my dad. It was all I could do to hold the phone and listen to his update on what was happening. So, last night I took all my drugs and paraphernalia and put them in a timed lock box for 3 days (I had the option of up to 8 so not entirely committed). Then this morning I went to my exes house because it is first day of school holidays and I volunteered to take up whatever responsibilities were needed for our daughter for the next 2 weeks and locked in a few commitments. I NEVER fuck those kid commitments up.

After that I drove over to my dad’s place. Ostensibly to see how he is going with mum in hospital but also to steal back my dog that he’d been looking after for a while. It’s a bit contentious about who’s dog it actually is since he originally bought her but I basically raised her as a puppy during the Covid lockdown for 6 months when I was stuck living next door to them. The dog is also a discouragement to getting fucked up because she is hyper-sensitive and gets all anxious and nervy whenever the drugs come up. She almost has a panic attack if she she’s me tripping. Something about what she sees in my eyes I think.

So with pleasant and enjoyable commitments and responsibilities locked in for a while I should stay pretty straight and productive. Although there is the possibility of a delivery or two of temptation arriving over the next few days and I’ve no additional lock-boxes. I’ll have to rely on willpower and my conscience - both of which are proven capable of working in short bursts when absolutely required.
 

chinup

Moderator: H&R, EADD
Staff member
Joined
Aug 1, 2010
Messages
5,955
Location
Greatest city on Earth
Oh damn it hun, I was bulimic for many many years so I truly know what you're going through. Does your partner know about it?? Can you talk to him about it?
the last few days have been pretty bad. i don't really consider myself to be bulimic but sometimes it just comes into my head it would be easy to purge and then i think i should do it all the time. my boyf knows i was sick on saturday but i only tell him about it if i can spin it as combination of too much food and booze. i haven't told him. i haven't done it today though. he was away on sunday then i was away yesterday so could get away with it. its just made me feel really unwell. i hope its out of my system.

hope everyone is doing better than me.
 

endlessnameless

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 23, 2010
Messages
763
Location
Dublin
Fell back into using during the pandemic, then got news that my father is terminally ill so I'm done. Tomorrow will be day one for me.

Hope everyone is doing well.
 

n3ophy7e

Moderator: TDS, H&R, MH
Staff member
Joined
Apr 30, 2006
Messages
30,899
Location
Dex's room
the last few days have been pretty bad. i don't really consider myself to be bulimic but sometimes it just comes into my head it would be easy to purge and then i think i should do it all the time. my boyf knows i was sick on saturday but i only tell him about it if i can spin it as combination of too much food and booze. i haven't told him. i haven't done it today though. he was away on sunday then i was away yesterday so could get away with it. its just made me feel really unwell. i hope its out of my system.

hope everyone is doing better than me.
That's okay hun, it doesn't need to have a label. I'm very open and candid about my eating disorders, so just keep in mind that I'm always here to chat about it if you need someone to talk to <3
When I was very badly bulimic I was so incredibly unwell, physically, mentally and emotionally. There's no other way to describe it, I was just very very sick. I was completely obsessed with food, and the process of binging and purging. I try not to think about it but I would've easily spent tens of thousands of dollars on high calorie food that I purged over the 5-6 years that I was bulimic. Hardly anyone in real life (e.g. friends and family) knows about my bulimia or anorexia, I harboured so much SHAME about it (and I guess I still do).
I pretty much just grew out of it, not age-wise, but I mean it just became too difficult to do, too taxing on my body. The binge and purge process became too exhausting and I just couldn't do it any more. So I just stopped doing it.
 

chinup

Moderator: H&R, EADD
Staff member
Joined
Aug 1, 2010
Messages
5,955
Location
Greatest city on Earth
I hope you start feeling better. Do you know anything that helps you when you feel like this?
usually i cut back on my food intake cos i get so sick of purging and i find it incredibly difficult if i'm not extremely full. once i can get a couple of days without doing it then usually i'm past the silliness.

Fell back into using during the pandemic, then got news that my father is terminally ill so I'm done. Tomorrow will be day one for me.
so sorry to hear that. good luck for today. my dad getting ill again is one of my major reservations in my recovery. spend all the time you can with him while he's still here.

Hardly anyone in real life (e.g. friends and family) knows about my bulimia or anorexia, I harboured so much SHAME about it (and I guess I still do).
I pretty much just grew out of it, not age-wise, but I mean it just became too difficult to do, too taxing on my body. The binge and purge process became too exhausting and I just couldn't do it any more. So I just stopped doing it.
that's really sad. i guess i keep the purging secret. i couldn't hide the anorexia at its worst cos it was written all over my body, but the lapses i've had since that i've pulled myself out of i've kept secret. i don't lke the idea of worruing people.

i bp'd again last night after my boyf went to sleep. i don't think my body is handling it well. but i think i have a ton of anxiety and exhaustion that is not helping. need a rest but no chance of that this weekened at least.
 

chinup

Moderator: H&R, EADD
Staff member
Joined
Aug 1, 2010
Messages
5,955
Location
Greatest city on Earth
well, i both got incredibly drunk and binge/purged tonight.

not feeling the negative effects currently but sure they'll bite me tomorrow. especially given how inhumanly awful i've felt physically all day.
 

n3ophy7e

Moderator: TDS, H&R, MH
Staff member
Joined
Apr 30, 2006
Messages
30,899
Location
Dex's room
well, i both got incredibly drunk and binge/purged tonight.

not feeling the negative effects currently but sure they'll bite me tomorrow. especially given how inhumanly awful i've felt physically all day.
It sounds like you might be stuck in the shame and self destruction loop hun. You've gotta stop the cycle somehow.
 

chinup

Moderator: H&R, EADD
Staff member
Joined
Aug 1, 2010
Messages
5,955
Location
Greatest city on Earth
hello all.

think i'm back after the worst week i've had probably this side of rehab, in terms of addictive behaviours and how fucking awful everything felt. worse than both my lapses on hard drugs last year by a country mile.

physically i'm feeling a lot better already. on monday morning my stomach was so fucked i couldn't even drink water without feeling sick. and i had to move all my furniture in that state.

i've learned that if i perceive something to be boxed time wise, then my brain thinks it can 'get away' with doing ridiculously awful things, and very quickly that becomes 'have to' do those things even though they are painful. i don't know why this is and need to work on it with my therapist. i dont want to automatically indulge in self destruction just cos it has a definite end.

been at my parents since monday, drank both nights but not a significant amount and no b/p. from august 1st i'm going back to complete abstinence and drawing a line under this, hopefully for good.
 

Blankenstein

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 19, 2021
Messages
186
hello all.

think i'm back after the worst week i've had probably this side of rehab, in terms of addictive behaviours and how fucking awful everything felt. worse than both my lapses on hard drugs last year by a country mile.

physically i'm feeling a lot better already. on monday morning my stomach was so fucked i couldn't even drink water without feeling sick. and i had to move all my furniture in that state.

i've learned that if i perceive something to be boxed time wise, then my brain thinks it can 'get away' with doing ridiculously awful things, and very quickly that becomes 'have to' do those things even though they are painful. i don't know why this is and need to work on it with my therapist. i dont want to automatically indulge in self destruction just cos it has a definite end.

been at my parents since monday, drank both nights but not a significant amount and no b/p. from august 1st i'm going back to complete abstinence and drawing a line under this, hopefully for good.
Good on you for commiting to complete abstinence. Sorry you had such a rough week. Moving house is never fun, let alone doing it in the condition you were in.

what do your parents think about you drinking while at their place?

Is your boyfriend committed to complete abstinence as well?
 

chinup

Moderator: H&R, EADD
Staff member
Joined
Aug 1, 2010
Messages
5,955
Location
Greatest city on Earth
what do your parents think about you drinking while at their place?
they don't mind, cos we will have like 1 gin and tonic.

Is your boyfriend committed to complete abstinence as well?
not for him personally. he can see that my drinking was not healthy and needed to stop but took some convincing that complete abstinence was the only route that would work for me. he grew up in an alcoholic household so in his head if you aren't drinking spirits 24/7 its not that bad.

he's still trying to bargain about whther i'll drink in the pub, or at manchester punk festival next year. its annoying tbh, he saw me on crack and heroin you'd think he'd just fully behind any plans to avoid destructive substance abuse. my brain will probably exploit any loophole i allow, so i just need to say no.

he's said he will stop drinking when we start properly trying for a baby in solidarity with me but i've known him too long to believe that anything he say's he'll do will actually happen.
 

hylite

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 23, 2021
Messages
1,910
So I don't know if I am the best fit for in here but yesterday I went the whole day AND night with no pain medication.
But it is Summer you know and dreadful heat and not much pain right now.
However, I needed me some weed.


I just took a pain dose at this moment.
Pain goes and it helps with stress as well. I don't know go figure.
Maybe the world is running out of the good stuff anymore.

It takes so much energy to speak and make mention of it all. Anyway but, I sure learned that less is more on BL though.

Priceless !
 

hylite

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 23, 2021
Messages
1,910
So anyway sometimes I feel better being completely sober instead.

I had heard of tapering before from pain managing and kind of learned of it a little bit.
But you know the medical system gets governed allot. Also moved around to the point of relocating and then to just almost disappearing.

My point I am always trying to state from all of this is that I had great harm reduction 💡 awareness and great education here. (BL)

And BL helped me to learn about weaning so much more !

Thnx ? !
 

Blankenstein

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 19, 2021
Messages
186
So anyway sometimes I feel better being completely sober instead.

I had heard of tapering before from pain managing and kind of learned of it a little bit.
But you know the medical system gets governed allot. Also moved around to the point of relocating and then to just almost disappearing.

My point I am always trying to state from all of this is that I had great harm reduction 💡 awareness and great education here. (BL)

And BL helped me to learn about weaning so much more !

Thnx ? !
Hello 👋 great stuff on going the whole day and night with no pain meds. You’re obviously trying to quit?

What pain medication are you on? What dose?

How long have you been taking it?

what were you initially prescribed it for?

do you take more than you’re prescribed?

Sorry if you posted in this thread recently my memory is kind of shit at the moment.

good stuff on trying to quit. Yewww!
 

Blankenstein

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 19, 2021
Messages
186
they don't mind, cos we will have like 1 gin and tonic.


not for him personally. he can see that my drinking was not healthy and needed to stop but took some convincing that complete abstinence was the only route that would work for me. he grew up in an alcoholic household so in his head if you aren't drinking spirits 24/7 its not that bad.

he's still trying to bargain about whther i'll drink in the pub, or at manchester punk festival next year. its annoying tbh, he saw me on crack and heroin you'd think he'd just fully behind any plans to avoid destructive substance abuse. my brain will probably exploit any loophole i allow, so i just need to say no.

he's said he will stop drinking when we start properly trying for a baby in solidarity with me but i've known him too long to believe that anything he say's he'll do will actually happen.
So you find it ok just having one drink? Or is that because you’re kind of forced to because you’re at your parents?

I hope your partner goes the same route as you. But sounds like his track record isn’t the greatest 🤷‍♂️

as you say if he’s seen you at your worst using crack/heroin I hope he would fully understand how serious your situation is.

I wish you guys the best.
 

Blankenstein

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 19, 2021
Messages
186
I can’t decide whether I’m trying to quit or not. Or trying to quit some things and not others. Or trying to quit while I’m not at work or using my off work time to get high.

benzos are the devil. I have no memory when I take them. When I’m off work I use opiates, but they are so expensive I take a few valium with them (yes I know that’s a recipe for disaster) to help with the nod.

I spent so much money on my week off and have no memory of it.

eating 200mg of oxy for a dose and x-mg of Valium. It’s fucked. I know I can’t say exact prices, but it’s more than a dollar mg (hope that’s ok). It’s why I want to start using heroin because of the price. Even heroin is crazy expensive but it’s not as bad as pharmaceuticals. I know I’m iinsane for switching to

I know I need to quit everything, but my brain is like if I just quit the benzos I’ll be able to remember being high and it will be worth it. It’s so ridiculous...

I feel like things are getting more out of control at a fairly quick pace.
 

chinup

Moderator: H&R, EADD
Staff member
Joined
Aug 1, 2010
Messages
5,955
Location
Greatest city on Earth
So you find it ok just having one drink? Or is that because you’re kind of forced to because you’re at your parents?
i'm actually much preferring drinking here, weird how turns out moderation and just relaxing is actually better than getting wasted. i've drank more over the past couple nights, but we did have the weekend so i guess fri and sat are excusable. really need to go a night without drinking. thought i would this eve but then mum offered me some wine and then i drank some limoncello cos it was there.

think my energy levels are vaguely returning.

eating 200mg of oxy for a dose and x-mg of Valium. It’s fucked. I know I can’t say exact prices, but it’s more than a dollar mg (hope that’s ok). It’s why I want to start using heroin because of the price. Even heroin is crazy expensive but it’s not as bad as pharmaceuticals. I know I’m iinsane for switching to
let me tell you how heroin goes. you control it for a bit, you have to or you'll get scared off too quickly, but slowly it takes over. in my first year with a proper habit i got nearly £10k in payrises, and it made no difference to my habit cos i expanded my spending each time.

heroin will save you money for a very short period. but in the long term you're unlikely to win that game of roulette. especially with your current using pattern.
 

Blankenstein

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 19, 2021
Messages
186
i'm actually much preferring drinking here, weird how turns out moderation and just relaxing is actually better than getting wasted. i've drank more over the past couple nights, but we did have the weekend so i guess fri and sat are excusable. really need to go a night without drinking. thought i would this eve but then mum offered me some wine and then i drank some limoncello cos it was there.

think my energy levels are vaguely returning.


let me tell you how heroin goes. you control it for a bit, you have to or you'll get scared off too quickly, but slowly it takes over. in my first year with a proper habit i got nearly £10k in payrises, and it made no difference to my habit cos i expanded my spending each time.

heroin will save you money for a very short period. but in the long term you're unlikely to win that game of roulette. especially with your current using pattern.
I think you have told me this before or it may have been someone else in here. Sorry if I got mixed up. A very close Friend has also told me the same thing.

I just had a phone call with that mate who has been through heroin addiction/methadone/subsetc... we had quite a long talk. he recognises in me that I’m spiralling.

I know (as I’m sure I’ve said on here before) that I know what I need to do.Though at the moment I feel like I’m destined to make the mistakes everyone is screaming at me not to make.

As usual I don’t know what I’m doing with myself, but I do appreciate your honesty and I hope I actually take heed of your warnings and experience.

On a different note...

if you can learn to drink in moderation that’s great. Sometimes a change in setting can be beneficial for stopping/cutting back in the amount you use or drink?

Are you still running? Have you gotten over your injury? One of the people I’m working with is keen to start going to the gym, so hopefully we start doing that and I drink less than I currently am. Also being in a town with a gym means I can use exercise bikes/rowing machines etc... instead of only Being able to run for fitness and fucking my knees.
 
Top