• HEALTH &
    RECOVERY
    🌼 Welcome Guest 🌼
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules
  • H&R Moderators: chinup | VerbalTruist | n3ophy7e
  • Bluelight HOT THREADS
  • Let's Welcome Our NEW MEMBERS!

Recovery ⫸⫸ THE RECOVERY THREAD 2021 ⫷⫷

Blankenstein

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 19, 2021
Messages
180
hey @Blankenstein glad you checked in but sorry you're having such a shiitty time?

next time you get off work is there anywhere else you can go where you won't do that? i used to have similar, i'd go away and be swearing i wouldn't go straight back to whatever drug i was on at the time as soon as i got home and do it every fucking time. it was disheartening.

i am really glad they won't sell you heroin. honestly it is not worth it. whatever money you save up front, honestly your habit will grow to whatever you were spending before in no time. in my first year doing a proper job rather than being a student, i got over £10k in pay rises and it made not a jot of difference cos my habit just increased with every one.

i have been drinking every day this week. not happy with myself. feel so shit. also injured so not able to run which is my like one healthy thing.
Thanks for your response. Yeh I know it’s a really stupid idea. Spoken to a good friend who had a heroin habit for a few years and he agrees with everyone that it’s a terrible idea.

yeh when I get back from work this time I’m off for a few days and then I’m doing a trip to a remote island off the coast of where I live with some friends to dive and hopefully get some waves as well. I won’t be using anything apart from the beers I take with me, which I will only bring limited amount so it will be forced sobriety again. I’m really looking forward to the trip. I do plan on using just once before I head off though.

sorry to hear about the drinking and injury. What’s the injury? How long are you out of action? Do you have other lower impact things you can do while it heals? Cycling or swimming?

I use to run quite a lot. I still run a bit, but have issues with my knees that flare up if I over do it. so have to not run too far or too frequently. It’s frustrating, but could be worse I suppose.
 

Blankenstein

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 19, 2021
Messages
180

i have before. and got some xanax.
nothing is really that bad. just the universe makes it that way. gotta have prayers i huess.

Thank you for support and understanding.
Sorry to hear you are depressed and struggling with everything.

Sometimes when I get overwhelmed and/or depressed doing breathing exercises can help or listening to a podcast (either something to make me laugh or something to motivate me). Also getting out in nature and exercising.

not trying to be a dick and trivialise your problems by saying this will fix anything, but they are tools I have used over the years to help cope during tough times.

Hope you’re feeling alright.
 

hylite

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 23, 2021
Messages
1,849
Sorry to hear you are depressed and struggling with everything.

Sometimes when I get overwhelmed and/or depressed doing breathing exercises can help or listening to a podcast (either something to make me laugh or something to motivate me). Also getting out in nature and exercising.

not trying to be a dick and trivialise your problems by saying this will fix anything, but they are tools I have used over the years to help cope during tough times.

Hope you’re feeling alright.
I do. And try to.
" Also getting out in nature and excersing " 💚

Yes love it ! ♡

I want to have a healthy diet. 🐸 And be able to exercise and go mountain bike again.

But, I am just like. . . . sorry ,,, swearing again,,, Like I'm fuck it I can always start tomorrow because I know that I will.

I guess I am just on a break. Maybe.
I am to the point of being just sick of the chronic and pain. So I am at point. . .
I Am Good. Yup 'Sssit.

But it's alright like in the up post also, because I will have to get used to that too. Thank God for weed and for that blessing is what I say.

And all of these med's that I cannot even wrap my head around that I don't even want to have to know what they all are. I dunno. Whaa ! t ?
Got to look it up again. o_O

Anyway, I will be find. Capt told me I don't dose high enough. Such a brilliant mind and SOUL. 💔 And A Gift. 🎁

I don't mind being depressed too much now. Because I am almost sober. 💗🕊
And see I can work at getting healthy.
With lots of hard work determination and love; there will always shine a Way.

Thank you for listening ☺ and for such a nice Today. 💙 🍃

I made about 10 dozen oatmeal cookies. Different combo's. Because that'ss all I like to eat when I am high. Loool. I am. And then I think how wonderful sobriety can really be for me. I am sharing the recipe too.
♡♡♡♡ Okay

🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪🤪<3:coffee:

😁🍄

I really don't do too much. Does'nt that count !
🤪

Cap said yeah. ♡
👍🏼
Ty.

So I will be sober tomorrow. Love !!
 

Blankenstein

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 19, 2021
Messages
180
I do. And try to.
" Also getting out in nature and excersing " 💚

Yes love it ! ♡

I want to have a healthy diet. 🐸 And be able to exercise and go mountain bike again.

But, I am just like. . . . sorry ,,, swearing again,,, Like I'm fuck it I can always start tomorrow because I know that I will.

I guess I am just on a break. Maybe.
I am to the point of being just sick of the chronic and pain. So I am at point. . .
I Am Good. Yup 'Sssit.

But it's alright like in the up post also, because I will have to get used to that too. Thank God for weed and for that blessing is what I say.

And all of these med's that I cannot even wrap my head around that I don't even want to have to know what they all are. I dunno. Whaa ! t ?
Got to look it up again. o_O

Anyway, I will be find. Capt told me I don't dose high enough. Such a brilliant mind and SOUL. 💔 And A Gift. 🎁

I don't mind being depressed too much now. Because I am almost sober. 💗🕊
And see I can work at getting healthy.
With lots of hard work determination and love; there will always shine a Way.

Thank you for listening ☺ and for such a nice Today. 💙 🍃

I made about 10 dozen oatmeal cookies. Different combo's. Because that'ss all I like to eat when I am high. Loool. I am. And then I think how wonderful sobriety can really be for me. I am sharing the recipe too.
♡♡♡♡ Okay

🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪🤪<3:coffee:

😁🍄

I really don't do too much. Does'nt that count !
🤪

Cap said yeah. ♡
👍🏼
Ty.

So I will be sober tomorrow. Love !!
Good luck man you know yourself.

I get the “fuck it I can just start tomorrow” man. Personally I wish I properly started 10 years ago. 10 years from now I hope I’m not saying the same thing 🤷‍♂️

I ended up doing a 4 hour round trip today to the closest town to buy supplies because The exploration camp/work was running out of food. In reality we probably have have enough to last the week I just wanted an excuse to go to the bottle shop and buy alcohol.

I’ll start being sober tomorrow.

good luck to everyone trying to get “it”.
 

Blankenstein

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 19, 2021
Messages
180
But hey, at least where I work there is a super funny/slightly aggressive donkey and an anxious camel. Whenever I get down at the end of the day I just go and hang out with them. Then the donkey tries to bite me and I swear at him.

I actually listened to a podcast about a guy who rescued a donkey and (long story short) ended up running a marathon in colarado with the donkey. There is an annual donkey/human marathon there.

really cool/inspiring podcast.

I have been granted permission by the donkeys owner to try and get it to run alongside me and go for jogs. It’s not an easy task, but it’s fun. Just wish my stupid knee wasn’t holding me back so much.

sorry to derail the thread, but that damn donkey and camel crack me up.
 

chinup

Moderator: H&R, EADD
Staff member
Joined
Aug 1, 2010
Messages
6,131
Location
Greatest city on Earth
sorry to hear about the drinking and injury. What’s the injury? How long are you out of action? Do you have other lower impact things you can do while it heals? Cycling or swimming?
i hurt my ankle, i think its better now, i tried a 5k yesterday and it went ok, super slow though as i was being cautious and also its hot here right now. for england at least. probably winter temperatures for you lol.
I ended up doing a 4 hour round trip today to the closest town to buy supplies because The exploration camp/work was running out of food. In reality we probably have have enough to last the week I just wanted an excuse to go to the bottle shop and buy alcohol.
it happens. at least if you have a 4 hour trip you can't be doing that often. for me to buy booze is a 4 minute round trip, does make things harder!!

But hey, at least where I work there is a super funny/slightly aggressive donkey and an anxious camel.
its great to have fun diversions!! what the fuck is an anxious camel doing there though? i kinda get the donkey. donkeys give me nightmares just cos i was camping on a hiking trip in jordan and one night there was this donkey close by, it was a male and there must have been a female close by apparently cos it was fucking braying all night. having to hike 20k up a fucking mountain on almost no sleep and 26 degrees sun with barely any shade is not fun.

the next day just as we got to our camp for the night a pickup turned up with stuff for another group, and that fucking donkey. i properly lost my shit and shouted at them til they agreed to move it at least a mile away. the rest of my group thought it was hilarious but said they were low key glad i'd got them to remove it so we didn't have to do another day of massive ascents on donkey-interrupted sleep.

now i wish a donkey was ruining my sleep instead of it being my own stupidity around drinking. 10 days til i'm back at my parents and physically can't so doesn't matter too much i don't think.
 

Perforated

Moderator: SLR, DC
Staff member
Joined
Sep 28, 2019
Messages
8,944
I really want to put myself into recovery and think of myself as a recovering addict addict even if it’s as one who frequently relapses. Drugs are not improving my life although the carefully calibrated grab bag of substances seems to help me find a survivable equilibrium at the moment.

I have prescribed meds that work in opposite directions: dopamine agonists vs antagonists so I’m never really that high but I’m never straight either once I start smoking meth. I can go a month or two without meth and if I’m on meth I usually don’t bother with my meds.

To be honest, it’s got to the point I don’t know who I am anymore, if there is really anything wrong with me, and if there is how serious it might be.

Lately I’ve been taking lots of LSD and seem to keep getting this insight that I’m really socially anxious and that’s what drives my drug use: just the thought of interacting with other people. The only place I ever seem to get it right is here on BL. Literally every job or relationship I’ve had has crashed and burned.

I’ve realised through these trips - but I guess I knew it already - that I can’t manage group dynamics. If it’s just me and a boss. I’m fine but as part of a team I end up being the centre of conflict and dissension. Same with a girlfriend. If she has no friends it’s fine but if she does something always goes wrong between them and me.

Yet at the same time I know I’m burning through meth to block how desperately lonely I feel. I’d love to have multiple friends. To be part of a group. But meth makes me forget that or at least not feel it so desperately and acutely. Plus it makes me too retarded to actually engage with normal people and to basically avoid them.

I’m turned 50 and literally have not real life friends and neither am I close to my family. It’s like there is a glass wall between me and the world that I just want to smash but have no idea how. I feel like I missed out on some really important piece of emotional hardware when I was wired up.

I just cannot connect with anyone. I’m so sad. So it’s not as if I cannot feel.
 

Blankenstein

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 19, 2021
Messages
180
I really want to put myself into recovery and think of myself as a recovering addict addict even if it’s as one who frequently relapses. Drugs are not improving my life although the carefully calibrated grab bag of substances seems to help me find a survivable equilibrium at the moment.

I have prescribed meds that work in opposite directions: dopamine agonists vs antagonists so I’m never really that high but I’m never straight either once I start smoking meth. I can go a month or two without meth and if I’m on meth I usually don’t bother with my meds.

To be honest, it’s got to the point I don’t know who I am anymore, if there is really anything wrong with me, and if there is how serious it might be.

Lately I’ve been taking lots of LSD and seem to keep getting this insight that I’m really socially anxious and that’s what drives my drug use: just the thought of interacting with other people. The only place I ever seem to get it right is here on BL. Literally every job or relationship I’ve had has crashed and burned.

I’ve realised through these trips - but I guess I knew it already - that I can’t manage group dynamics. If it’s just me and a boss. I’m fine but as part of a team I end up being the centre of conflict and dissension. Same with a girlfriend. If she has no friends it’s fine but if she does something always goes wrong between them and me.

Yet at the same time I know I’m burning through meth to block how desperately lonely I feel. I’d love to have multiple friends. To be part of a group. But meth makes me forget that or at least not feel it so desperately and acutely. Plus it makes me too retarded to actually engage with normal people and to basically avoid them.

I’m turned 50 and literally have not real life friends and neither am I close to my family. It’s like there is a glass wall between me and the world that I just want to smash but have no idea how. I feel like I missed out on some really important piece of emotional hardware when I was wired up.

I just cannot connect with anyone. I’m so sad. So it’s not as if I cannot feel.
Sorry you are feeling like this dude 😔

you say drugs aren’t improving your life. I don’t think drugs/substance abuse are improving many people’s lives. Probably even less of the people who have ended up posting in this thread.

you say you want to go into recovery? What’s stopping you? I’ve been thinking about it recently for myself. I mean as I’ve said I’m not drinking crazy while I’m at work because of remoteness, but I use pretty much non stop when I get home for my week off and have no recollection of that week basically (benzos are the devil) I know for me 2 things that stop me from wanting to do it are not wanting to cause stress to my family (they think I’m not using. Though I think my mother suspects something now) and also losing my job.

If you went to rehab would it effect a job? What’s holding you back?

are you currently using meth?

I can relate to the social anxiety thing, feeling isolated and loneliness thing. I think a lot of us feel that way.

I think I read you were doing lots of NA meetings? Are you still doing these? Are they helping?

hope you feel better man. Keep posting in here.
 

Blankenstein

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 19, 2021
Messages
180
i hurt my ankle, i think its better now, i tried a 5k yesterday and it went ok, super slow though as i was being cautious and also its hot here right now. for england at least. probably winter temperatures for you lol.

it happens. at least if you have a 4 hour trip you can't be doing that often. for me to buy booze is a 4 minute round trip, does make things harder!!


its great to have fun diversions!! what the fuck is an anxious camel doing there though? i kinda get the donkey. donkeys give me nightmares just cos i was camping on a hiking trip in jordan and one night there was this donkey close by, it was a male and there must have been a female close by apparently cos it was fucking braying all night. having to hike 20k up a fucking mountain on almost no sleep and 26 degrees sun with barely any shade is not fun.

the next day just as we got to our camp for the night a pickup turned up with stuff for another group, and that fucking donkey. i properly lost my shit and shouted at them til they agreed to move it at least a mile away. the rest of my group thought it was hilarious but said they were low key glad i'd got them to remove it so we didn't have to do another day of massive ascents on donkey-interrupted sleep.

now i wish a donkey was ruining my sleep instead of it being my own stupidity around drinking. 10 days til i'm back at my parents and physically can't so doesn't matter too much i don't think.

good news about the ankle!

forced sobriety. Always fun...

haha yeh the people who manage the station/ranch im staying at for work have a horse, donkey and camel (as well as several thousand cattle).

the donkey has become attached to the horse (they become attached to whatever animals are around apparently). He hates the camel though and tries to kill it, it is fucking insane.

the horse and donkey now roam around the home paddock, but the camel is still in an enclosure. So she is now super agitated now her friend (the horse, not the donkey) aren’t with her all the time. It sucks to see her distressed.

yeh I guess you get it haha, sounds like an epic trip. Donkeys are insane. He’s just a massive weirdo. He got out the other day and ended up at a mine site 50km away. They called the owner and was like “your stupid donkey is here causing trouble. Come get it”

I went to feed the chickens yesterday and the donkey followed me and picked up the glass bowl with the scraps and ran off. I love that damn donkey.
 

ions

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 29, 2019
Messages
5,889
Location
Pennsylvania
@Atelier3 We can be friends. Maybe not irl, but all the perks.

I dont like to be high in public because it kind of inhibits me socially. Like it's more difficult to come up with quick one when you're high. Just kind of left to body language and caveman like responses. Me likey girl, Me touchy.

But if the function is getting high, like a music festival, then it's good because every there is high as well.

As for recovery, the weed has helped me frame over the blast invega. It's a beautiful substance and well, I'd say lay off the meth and acid. It sometimes takes years to recover from a bad trip. Like what I"m doin now.
 

n3ophy7e

Moderator: TDS, H&R, MH
Staff member
Joined
Apr 30, 2006
Messages
30,925
Location
Dex's room
I really want to put myself into recovery and think of myself as a recovering addict addict even if it’s as one who frequently relapses. Drugs are not improving my life although the carefully calibrated grab bag of substances seems to help me find a survivable equilibrium at the moment.

I have prescribed meds that work in opposite directions: dopamine agonists vs antagonists so I’m never really that high but I’m never straight either once I start smoking meth. I can go a month or two without meth and if I’m on meth I usually don’t bother with my meds.

To be honest, it’s got to the point I don’t know who I am anymore, if there is really anything wrong with me, and if there is how serious it might be.

Lately I’ve been taking lots of LSD and seem to keep getting this insight that I’m really socially anxious and that’s what drives my drug use: just the thought of interacting with other people. The only place I ever seem to get it right is here on BL. Literally every job or relationship I’ve had has crashed and burned.

I’ve realised through these trips - but I guess I knew it already - that I can’t manage group dynamics. If it’s just me and a boss. I’m fine but as part of a team I end up being the centre of conflict and dissension. Same with a girlfriend. If she has no friends it’s fine but if she does something always goes wrong between them and me.

Yet at the same time I know I’m burning through meth to block how desperately lonely I feel. I’d love to have multiple friends. To be part of a group. But meth makes me forget that or at least not feel it so desperately and acutely. Plus it makes me too retarded to actually engage with normal people and to basically avoid them.

I’m turned 50 and literally have not real life friends and neither am I close to my family. It’s like there is a glass wall between me and the world that I just want to smash but have no idea how. I feel like I missed out on some really important piece of emotional hardware when I was wired up.

I just cannot connect with anyone. I’m so sad. So it’s not as if I cannot feel.
It sucks huh. I have horrendous social anxiety, which is why my online presence thrives so well :)
But seriously, if you are open and ready to detox, I say go for it. It is so worth trying. YOU are worth it Atelier <3
Have you been to the Marie Bashir detox at RPA before? I've been there numerous times and they are really good. Definitely worth giving them a call.
 

Perforated

Moderator: SLR, DC
Staff member
Joined
Sep 28, 2019
Messages
8,944
Sorry you are feeling like this dude 😔

you say drugs aren’t improving your life. I don’t think drugs/substance abuse are improving many people’s lives. Probably even less of the people who have ended up posting in this thread.

you say you want to go into recovery? What’s stopping you? I’ve been thinking about it recently for myself. I mean as I’ve said I’m not drinking crazy while I’m at work because of remoteness, but I use pretty much non stop when I get home for my week off and have no recollection of that week basically (benzos are the devil) I know for me 2 things that stop me from wanting to do it are not wanting to cause stress to my family (they think I’m not using. Though I think my mother suspects something now) and also losing my job.

If you went to rehab would it effect a job? What’s holding you back?

are you currently using meth?

I can relate to the social anxiety thing, feeling isolated and loneliness thing. I think a lot of us feel that way.

I think I read you were doing lots of NA meetings? Are you still doing these? Are they helping?

hope you feel better man. Keep posting in here.

There’s nothing stopping me doing anything really. I’m basically retired and don’t have to work for money (which may in itself be part of the problem). I am studying and have 2/3rds of my PhD written but have had a complete block for at least the last 6 months on progressing it further. Part of that has been being unable to travel to obtain more data but also extensive drug use. I’ve had significant family emotional problems that led me to pick up abusing stimulants again after a long time (nearly 5 years) without using them except as scripted. Being stuck with troublesome family in lockdown during Covid was the trigger. I went off the rails then and haven’t really come back.

A big part of the problem is that I’m essentially functional and there have been no major dramas stemming from my use except for the general misery it causes during regular comedowns and the insane amounts of money I spend on meth and sex. I’m just going nowhere in life and feeling like I peaked years ago (if I ever peaked and reached my potential, which is very debatable) and am now just hedonistically treading water while either focussing on all my regrets in life or simply blocking them out for weeks at a time with meth.

Switching it up to heroic acid doses was a kind of attempt to blast through all the mental fog and maybe have some kind of epiphany and either see a way forward about who I want to be or become in my post-50 years or else just come to terms and be comfortable with whatever I am. All it’s really done is leave me feeling slightly retarded, though that might be the MDMA and Ketamine I threw into the mix at the last moment for no good reason I can think of now.

I was going to go to 100 NA meetings in 100 days. I did that years and years ago when I was addicted to coke and it really helped me break the cycle. I was about to start it and then I had to look after a family member’s dog that couldn’t be left alone. I should have just said no, I didn’t have the resources to look after it. But I said yes and spent the week high playing with it.

Basically i hate the sense of treading water and that’s all I do all day every day. All the time getting dumber and dumber from meth and from the psych meds I only occasionally bother taking.

It sucks huh. I have horrendous social anxiety, which is why my online presence thrives so well :)
But seriously, if you are open and ready to detox, I say go for it. It is so worth trying. YOU are worth it Atelier <3
Have you been to the Marie Bashir detox at RPA before? I've been there numerous times and they are really good. Definitely worth giving them a call.
I’ll definitely look into it. I need to find a place that is good at dual diagnosis places. For people with underlying mental health problems (i.e. ADHD/PTSD/bipolar) as well as substance abuse issues. I’ve got more going on that just addiction. There is a place on the Northern Beaches which I forget the name of which is supposed to be very good. I’ve got enough insurance to cover most regular private places I think.

I don’t actually have a problem detoxing to much. Over the last 18 months I’ve often stopped for periods ranging from a week to 2 months. It’s the picking up again I have the eternal problem with. And I think that’s just a lot to do with having a lonely, miserable, and uninspiring life. And avoid working on my PhD in case I fuck it it up and therefore ultimately prove I was never as smart as I always thought I was. There’s a real fear of failure thing going on here too. But actually I know I’m already failing at pretty much everything.
 
Last edited:

chinup

Moderator: H&R, EADD
Staff member
Joined
Aug 1, 2010
Messages
6,131
Location
Greatest city on Earth
@Perforated firstly sorry for the late reply i saw this when you first posted but had to start work and then just didn't get round to it. not having anything structured to do with your time will definitely be contributing to your drug use. when i was anorexic uni told me i was basically getting a free pass for the year, the eating disorder immediately ate up all the time i'd previously spent studying. when i lost my job cos of my drug problem i went from at least attempting to be present in work for a bit of the day to just smoking crack and making money for more crack continuously.

mental health problems fucking love unfilled time!! can you find some volunteering or something to do? even a day or two a week just to create some structure and 'get out of self'? i'd love to volunteer at a cat santuary. my mum volunteers at a stately home garden. horses for courses and all.

i have been so fucking tired. for some reason even though i slept enough time, according to my app getting no deep sleep. i have drank every night recently but the past 2 nights its been a 'sensible amount' but neighbours were shouting and playing music all night. feel at my wits end to it tbh.

work is starting to feel like pressure. i'm not stressed, yet, but my past is coming to bite me. i got so lucky my first job after rehab i never got asked about why i had a gap in employment. well, now we work with my old work place (its a small world) and even though i never worked directly with them, they do not want to work with me. i haven't any info on why and won't push it cos it will make my current employer suspicious. but soon i'm gonna be the only person who does my job in the whole company and i literally don't know how to work if they won't work with me.

its not like i was obnoxious or anything. i just suddenly stopped ever turning up or doing any work and when i did turn up stinking of crack or vomit, falling asleep in my chair, and disappearing all the time for pipes.
 

Perforated

Moderator: SLR, DC
Staff member
Joined
Sep 28, 2019
Messages
8,944
@Perforated firstly sorry for the late reply i saw this when you first posted but had to start work and then just didn't get round to it. not having anything structured to do with your time will definitely be contributing to your drug use. when i was anorexic uni told me i was basically getting a free pass for the year, the eating disorder immediately ate up all the time i'd previously spent studying. when i lost my job cos of my drug problem i went from at least attempting to be present in work for a bit of the day to just smoking crack and making money for more crack continuously.

mental health problems fucking love unfilled time!! can you find some volunteering or something to do? even a day or two a week just to create some structure and 'get out of self'? i'd love to volunteer at a cat santuary. my mum volunteers at a stately home garden. horses for courses and all.

i have been so fucking tired. for some reason even though i slept enough time, according to my app getting no deep sleep. i have drank every night recently but the past 2 nights its been a 'sensible amount' but neighbours were shouting and playing music all night. feel at my wits end to it tbh.

work is starting to feel like pressure. i'm not stressed, yet, but my past is coming to bite me. i got so lucky my first job after rehab i never got asked about why i had a gap in employment. well, now we work with my old work place (its a small world) and even though i never worked directly with them, they do not want to work with me. i haven't any info on why and won't push it cos it will make my current employer suspicious. but soon i'm gonna be the only person who does my job in the whole company and i literally don't know how to work if they won't work with me.

its not like i was obnoxious or anything. i just suddenly stopped ever turning up or doing any work and when i did turn up stinking of crack or vomit, falling asleep in my chair, and disappearing all the time for pipes.

I keep intending to volunteer somewhere next something keep gets in the way. I’ll make more of an effort this week I think to find something. All the negative behaviour and negative feelings come out when I have nothing to do. I have been putting more effort to go to the gym lately which has been helpful, but I think it’s really that human to human interaction that my life really needs. I’ve always looked for that in relationships but there is no way I’m capable or ready to try that at the moment.
 

chinup

Moderator: H&R, EADD
Staff member
Joined
Aug 1, 2010
Messages
6,131
Location
Greatest city on Earth
how is everyone doing?

i have drank every night this week.... but not so much that its affected my ability to work in the day meaningfully. which is good because i have a lot to do. its my last weekend possibly ever living in the heart of a big city so going for vegetarian chinese on saturday. then got to pack!
 

Perforated

Moderator: SLR, DC
Staff member
Joined
Sep 28, 2019
Messages
8,944
how is everyone doing?

i have drank every night this week.... but not so much that its affected my ability to work in the day meaningfully. which is good because i have a lot to do. its my last weekend possibly ever living in the heart of a big city so going for vegetarian chinese on saturday. then got to pack!
I'm feeling pretty good. I have not had any hard drugs for a couple of weeks (excepting lots of psychedelics). But I've been to the gym for 3 classes in the last week. Damn hard ones but I lasted each one. I've also spent quite a bit of time with my daughter and a fair bit of time just walking through nature. I even added 3,000 words to my disseration and they were pretty good when I re-read them.

Also I really feel like I'm through the worst of my antipstchotic withdrawal syndrome. It was murderous for a few days last week and the week before but I tripped straight over the top of it one day and never noticed it again. Apart from a bit of insomnia. I've taken a smal amount of seroquel when insomnia was threatening my sanity but generally have been concentrating on getting normal sleep as much as possible. It's kind of working, altough I think the exercise in the evening leaves me a bit too hyper to sleep.

All in all I'd put my mood at about 8/10.

I still have a burning feeling to get high in some kind of way. It's like sitting down reading a book or watching tv is just too mind-numbingly boring for me at the moment. I have a lot of drugs in the house. They were in a timer box but that's expired now. I even bought some more psychadelics today. I feel I might want a leeeetle bit of stims but definitely not the volume of stuff I actually have. ButI can't bring myself to flush it. It's $'000's. I need to give it to someone i think. But then I worry I'm contributing to their problems.
 

birdup.snaildown

Greenlighter
Joined
Nov 5, 2020
Messages
2,543
Location
Somewhere
Yesterday I had a breakdown. It was withdrawals, but I didn't recognize it as withdrawals because I'm still using. For the first time ever, I successfully transitioned from chronic daily use to moderation. I went from consuming weed every day to consuming it three times a week and only after 4:20 PM. I don't get stoned now because I don't want to. This is something new for me.

I thought I wasn't going to withdraw this time, because I haven't stopped using completely... but, apparently, it doesn't work that way. A week or two after the transition, it crept up on me. And (because I didn't recognize it as withdrawals) I didn't understand what was happening to me. I felt waves of intensely negative emotions, like benzo withdrawals but not as extreme. I wanted to die. I hated myself. It's so much worse when you don't know what it means.

I'm tired of being owned, but I'm getting closer to freedom.
 
Last edited:

Perforated

Moderator: SLR, DC
Staff member
Joined
Sep 28, 2019
Messages
8,944
This is your problem, dude.

It's all downhill. You have to make peace with that.
I'm naturally inclined to be a perfectionist. To a dysfunctional level in many areas. I find it really hard to say of anything "this is as good as it can get" and then let it go. Plus internally I honestly feel about 20 years younger than my biological age and probably act accordingly.
 

chinup

Moderator: H&R, EADD
Staff member
Joined
Aug 1, 2010
Messages
6,131
Location
Greatest city on Earth
@birdup.snaildown that is a really important realisation. well done. i found quitting weed really hard. i smoked every day for over a decade, with just the odd break while on holiday. i have failed at quitting weed more times than any other drug. its really good that you don't want to smoke.

@Perforated well done on getting some more words down for your dissertation!! you will ge tthere. i don't know how you have drugs around what a nightmare. i'm amazed you are able not to use it.

i am not feeling great. hungover. went out for a meal with my boyf last night to celebrate our last weekend living together in manchester. now we won't be living together until our house purchase has gone through. it was a fun day but at some point during the meal i twigged that if i just kept eating a bit more than i was comfortable with i could purge it when i got home. what a fucking idiot.

now he's gone out for fathers day and i'm here on my own. i just want to binge on alcohol and food and then purge. i'm trying not to. i have to get up at 6.30 to be out by 7.30 tomorrow morning as i'm travelling for work and i can't be in the state i'm in today. i think i'm stressed about moving. i'd been through a phase of purging earlier in the year and then kicked my ass to stop cos it makes me feel very unwell and i find it hard to stop once i start, especially when i'm so unhappy with my weight. i can't face doing it again so soon.
 
Top