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Recovery ⫸⫸ THE RECOVERY THREAD 2021 ⫷⫷

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While taking a fair amount seroquel and judicious and small amounts of valium will help prevent the full blown and suicidal existential crisis I had last time I was in this situation, I expect it is going to be a little while before I can trust myself around other people without giving them the impression something is seriously wrong with me.
That kind of touches a reoccuring theme for me when I'm on a streak with something, the thought "how do I know how I really feel?", "how am I really doing?" That truely alters my behaviour, cause I don't trust myself/how I feel, in a way. Without starting a philosophical explosion, the only standard that comes to mind in that regard is: sober living, that is and 'should' be the baseline, right? What else? That's also why I'm so reluctant to certain prescribed medications. If I would describe my situation to some doc, I could/would be on antidepressants in a heartbeat. But I ask myself, is this really how I want to live life? But then, I gravitate more and more to self-medications, so.. :oops:

I've always taken periodic breaks since I started drinking back in.....2003? and do well with it. Abstinence isn't the problem for me; moderation is.
In part I think it's in the "nature" of alcohol (and probably other drugs too). Other part, I think, is the life situation or personal tendencies. If content with life as it is, why take/misuse any drugs, you kwow what I mean? It seems the strategy of 'I don't touch a single drop of this stuff' got a bit of a hold in myself, which I think is a good thing. :) Since I'm more conscious about it, my health plays a factor in this too, maybe you can work this to your advantage also? The thing I harm myself with is also the things that numbs me from the fact that I'm doing so, what a moronic cycle..
This time might be different though, depending on how things shape up. We've just entered at least a month of absolutely everything being shut down here. They're even rationing time on skating rinks for fuck's sake. I'm not sure how I'm going to cope with the social isolation.

This past spring, during our first lockdowns was the first time in my life that I started drinking alone.
Once I started drinking alone, shit went downhill really fast! Take care. Tying it to social events in a culture that has been exposed to alcohol for some time is not the worst mechanism I think, unless you are surrounded by the wrong people. But then, if that's really to only thing why consumbtion doesn't get out of hand, hm. :unsure:
 
Day 2: Gosh, a night can be so fucking long, quite some restlessness (it's not just the legs with me, it's a fucking whole body thing) and cold sweat and achiness. Now during the day, freezing is not that bad anymore. But the mind games. :mad: It feels like a loss, I lost my (temporary substance induced ) peace I could look forward to and supplant my problems with. And the thoughts that are playing down the issue. 😣 Tolerance goes down quite a bit in two (respectively three) days, so I've done some "work", I could potentially have some wonderful peace tonight again, sleep, and in the grand scheme, would it make any difference? And how that though makes me feel, it crazy to watch! 🤪
 
So awesome to see so many of us committed to changing our lifestyles in 2021! It's really positive. I hope everyone is feeling good about the year ahead! 18 days in for me and this is the first day out the whole 18 where I woke up and actually felt some energy and didn't have to force myself to do what I'd planned on doing, so I'm rolling with that good energy.

Day 2: Gosh, a night can be so fucking long, quite some restlessness (it's not just the legs with me, it's a fucking whole body thing) and cold sweat and achiness. Now during the day, freezing is not that bad anymore. But the mind games. :mad: It feels like a loss, I lost my (temporary substance induced ) peace I could look forward to and supplant my problems with. And the thoughts that are playing down the issue. 😣 Tolerance goes down quite a bit in two (respectively three) days, so I've done some "work", I could potentially have some wonderful peace tonight again, sleep, and in the grand scheme, would it make any difference? And how that though makes me feel, it crazy to watch! 🤪

Hey man. Congratulations on the 2 days! That's awesome. And dude, part of you knows the answer to your question. Of course it will make a difference! When I use during opiate withdrawal then the next day is day 1 again. When I've been going cold turkey off heroin the process for me usually takes 4 days, and I'll usually wake up on day 5 and 95% of the physical symptoms will be gone, though I may still feel a little "raw" but that actual sickness that makes it feel like some fundamental piece of my body is missing will be gone by then. I have used at every point of this process before, and it doesn't matter if I use an hour after the withdrawal has started or very late into day 4, every time it's taken me right back to square one. In order to use without resetting the withdrawal I'd have to wait till the WD was totally over, but then of course 90% of the times I've ended up using in the days after finishing a cold turkey then I can't keep it at just one day and quickly end up in the same position.

The fact we've entered a new year can be a powerful motivator for a while at least! I've been meeting cravings & urges with the thought of "Do I really want to keep doing this shit in 2021? Do I want to do 2020 AGAIN?" and that's been enough to hold them at bay. Keep up the good fight!!

@SunriseChampion Congratulations on the start of your sobriety!

It is possible to go from drinking "alcoholically" to moderately, but I'd say it's next to impossible to do without first establishing a long period of abstinence. You really won't be able to go from binge drinking to moderate drinking overnight just with willpower - you need to let those well-trodden brain pathways die out and have some healthier neuronal connections become established & then you can give it a try. It will still take a lot of willpower, but I have met quite a few people in SMART Recovery especially (they are more likely to be there since SMART isn't so hard-line on total abstinence like AA) who have gone from full on alcoholics to moderate drinkers, but they all needed to be abstinent for a long time first. I've heard of people using naltrexone in order to extinguish their alcohol cravings and then re-forming a healthy relationship with alcohol - taking naltrexone before drinking will block all the pleasure you get from it, and apparently after doing that a couple of times your brain learns that alcohol isn't reinforcing anymore and this causes a dramatic shift in your conscious mind as you will no longer have the urges/cravings you used to have. I can't vouch for this personally though (I'm not a drinker) but it's an interesting idea!


Let's fucking crush this in 2021!! I am firmly committed to leaving my addictive behavior in 2020. Who's with me? :D
 
I only tried a couple of times when I first started almost 20yrs ago but I don't think I waited long enough(only 8hrs or so after dosing) or did enough(2 dime bags) because I didn't get much out of it. With the fentanyl situation in the United States it would probably be easy to break through now but also because of fentanyl I have no desire. Fentanyl has been great for my recovery and opiate cravings. It was actually mostly street methadone that I was using before I got back on the clinic.
I know what you mean about fent when i back in the states i fear fentynal and because of that fear i9 find controling my cravings so much easier
 
I know what you mean about fent when i back in the states i fear fentynal and because of that fear i9 find controling my cravings so much easier
Yeah...and it's just not the fear that makes it easier and helps with cravings but also because it is such an inferior buzz compared to heroin. A lot of people like it more because it fucks them up but It's more of a mind erasing, knockout, nod kinda high and lacks that warm, energetic euphoria that kept me coming back to heroin again and again for 25yrs. I just don't have that euphoric recall that was a huge part of my cravings as it used to call me back like a siren song. Now I can see the craving in it's full absurdity without my judgement being clouded and for that I give thanks to fentanyl and the greedy cartels for doing for me what I couldn't do for myself by ruining heroin..... Thank You...lol
 
Yeah...and it's just not the fear that makes it easier and helps with cravings but also because it is such an inferior buzz compared to heroin. A lot of people like it more because it fucks them up but It's more of a mind erasing, knockout, nod kinda high and lacks that warm, energetic euphoria that kept me coming back to heroin again and again for 25yrs. I just don't have that euphoric recall that was a huge part of my cravings as it used to call me back like a siren song. Now I can see the craving in it's full absurdity without my judgement being clouded and for that I give thanks to fentanyl and the greedy cartels for doing for me what I couldn't do for myself by ruining heroin..... Thank You...lol
What you said is so true I like heroin like you for me 13 years the euphoric high was what kept me in the cycle. What I heard about fent from the one ex-addict i met in the states it not appeal to me and the short bu it gives. Heroin with the energetic euphoria the calming warmth is what i like look heroin is a demon also but i think the north Americans missing out with just being able to get fent . But the good side is it keeps me clean when back in states but the thing is a addict wont care if he cant get heroin they will settle for fentynal and the cartels know it
 
What you said is so true I like heroin like you for me 13 years the euphoric high was what kept me in the cycle. What I heard about fent from the one ex-addict i met in the states it not appeal to me and the short bu it gives. Heroin with the energetic euphoria the calming warmth is what i like look heroin is a demon also but i think the north Americans missing out with just being able to get fent . But the good side is it keeps me clean when back in states but the thing is a addict wont care if he cant get heroin they will settle for fentynal and the cartels know it.
Large quantities of fentanyl started showing up in my area circa 2015 but now it's all you can find. I started my series of clean stretches around the same time it started becoming prevalent. Everytime that I relapse I find that I enjoy ?heroin? less and less. I actually began to prefer street methadone for my opiod buzz by the end of this run.

I had used fentanyl before years ago by taking the gel out of pharmaceutical patches or in the form of medical lolipops but these weird analogs and research chemicals are all very strange and quite unpredictable in their action. I've had lots of street heroin that acts like an opiod but also has a different element to the high and they all have a magnitude of varying side effects.

The North American heroin scene has turned into a potpourri of fentalogs, research chemical opiates and even some unrelated compounds(e.g. rc cannabinoids, rc stims, etc..) showing up in some mixes. It has really gone to shit and has vastly increased the risk associated.

Before when you bought your vinegary, off white, tan, brown powder you knew it was diacetylmorphine. Now it's never diacetylmorphine and you can't even be sure that it's even a fentanyl analog, much less know which one.

I don't miss it one bit and I'm glad that the government has started to help provide affordable methadone because some private clinics in the states can almost set you back the cost of a BMW per month.
 
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Once I started drinking alone, shit went downhill really fast! Take care. Tying it to social events in a culture that has been exposed to alcohol for some time is not the worst mechanism I think, unless you are surrounded by the wrong people. But then, if that's really to only thing why consumbtion doesn't get out of hand, hm. :unsure:

Yeah, for me a bare minimum will be to not drink at home anymore, regardless of what the plague situation is causing in terms of social isolation. I knew that was a bad turn of events when I did hit it.

As for being surrounded by the wrong people......that could be a way of looking at it as most of my mates are binge drinkers as well. Then again, who knows when I'll get to see most of them next anyway. I haven't seen most of my crew since the summer and only a handful of times then.
 
The fact we've entered a new year can be a powerful motivator for a while at least! I've been meeting cravings & urges with the thought of "Do I really want to keep doing this shit in 2021? Do I want to do 2020 AGAIN?" and that's been enough to hold them at bay. Keep up the good fight!!
Fuck no.....it was an actual shitshow for me psychologically, the last year.

@SunriseChampion Congratulations on the start of your sobriety!

It is possible to go from drinking "alcoholically" to moderately, but I'd say it's next to impossible to do without first establishing a long period of abstinence.

This is like the 10th time I'm taking a multi-month break....and so you'd be right about the need for long-term abstinence it seems.

You really won't be able to go from binge drinking to moderate drinking overnight just with willpower - you need to let those well-trodden brain pathways die out and have some healthier neuronal connections become established & then you can give it a try.

I have to read more into that study that looked at using NAC to repair NMDA receptor regulation that was disregulated from alcohol use. Apparently, they were using NAC to help binge drinkers, alcoholics, and smokers to lose their cravings.

It's weird, I was able to quit smoking two years ago, cold turkey, after having had smoked for 15 years. There was some speculation around whether or not rather frequent use in the 3-4 months before that of lower dose mushrooms contributed to my ease in quitting that.

I still plan on taking a full sobriety break til my birthday but I think I may try and experiment with the mushrooms a bit more.
Let's fucking crush this in 2021!! I am firmly committed to leaving my addictive behavior in 2020. Who's with me? :D
I think I'm going to give it a proppa go, that's for sure. My life is sort of a dead end otherwise, and that's fucking depressing.
 
Large quantities of fentanyl started showing up in my area circa 2015 but now it's all you can find. I started my series of clean stretches around the same time it started becoming prevalent. Everytime that I relapse I find that I enjoy ?heroin? less and less. I actually began to prefer street methadone for my opiod buzz by the end of this run.

I had used fentanyl before years ago by taking the gel out of pharmaceutical patches or in the form of medical lolipops but these weird analogs and research chemicals are all very strange and quite unpredictable in their action. I've had lots of street heroin that acts like an opiod but also has a different element to the high and they all have a magnitude of varying side effects.

The North American heroin scene has turned into a potpourri of fentalogs, research chemical opiates and even some unrelated compounds(e.g. rc cannabinoids, rc stims, etc..) showing up in some mixes. It has really gone to shit and has vastly increased the risk associated.

Before when you bought your vinegary, off white, tan, brown powder you knew it was diacetylmorphine. Now it's never diacetylmorphine and you can't even be sure that it's even a fentanyl analog, much less know which one.

I don't miss it one bit and I'm glad that the government has started to help provide affordable methadone because some private clinics in the states can almost set you back the cost of a BMW per month.
Its a fucked up situation in the states it won't change either fent is there to stay. In the UK people here not really used fent you heard stories but I bought of my dealer best friend for most of the 13 years and he was mid-level he would take our bit out before he adds his cut and it was always much better than when I bought on the street. Me being a punjabi i would also add poppy pods and Indian raw opium to my heroin they have an energetic high so would drink poppy pod juice or eat raw opium while at work on the truck during the day and smoke brown at night. How good is the access to government methadone in the states is it good or are people having to go to private rip off
 

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to our posters around the world, this is what England is like right now!!! though i think snow will be melting soon. took a walk with my parents round a stately home near their village yesterday it was gorgeous and on the way home it started snowing again, fucking magical.

got me thinking to last time it was really snowy in england, the 'beast from the east'- i was living in norwich which is way out east so we got like insane amounts of snow. the first day i got super lucky cos i had a dealer serving from round the corner from me, he'd cancelled his usual offers but at least i could score- me and my boyf stopped by the homeless hub in town (i wasn't homeless but he was) and no one in there had been able to get any brown. anyway went to sit in a secret spot in a car park that was sheltered til we ran out of drugs. by then another guy had come on, but we had to wait over an hour in the snow.

basically there are no motorways to norwich and the trainlines out there are super sketchy so as soon as dealers ran out they couldn't reload.

the next day, people had been able to reload so i called a guy who was usually near me. he gave a weird name for a regular spot a 5 min walk away so i went to the wrong place, further away through the snow and starting to rattle. i had to wait over an hour then it transpired i was in the wrong spot, so i had to go to the right spot and wait another 15 mins.

that is the life i left behind and i do not miss it!!
 
Its a fucked up situation in the states it won't change either fent is there to stay. In the UK people here not really used fent you heard stories but I bought of my dealer best friend for most of the 13 years and he was mid-level he would take our bit out before he adds his cut and it was always much better than when I bought on the street. Me being a punjabi i would also add poppy pods and Indian raw opium to my heroin they have an energetic high so would drink poppy pod juice or eat raw opium while at work on the truck during the day and smoke brown at night. How good is the access to government methadone in the states is it good or are people having to go to private rip off
The UK will probably stay heroin for a while because you guys get your heroin from the poppy producing regions of afghanistan, who only deal with poppy. I went through a stretch in 2001-2002 when I was only doing poppy tea. The mailman always brought my package and the seeds would rattle in the pods. One day he asked me what I did with all these maracas....lol
 
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to our posters around the world, this is what England is like right now!!! though i think snow will be melting soon. took a walk with my parents round a stately home near their village yesterday it was gorgeous and on the way home it started snowing again, fucking magical.

got me thinking to last time it was really snowy in england, the 'beast from the east'- i was living in norwich which is way out east so we got like insane amounts of snow. the first day i got super lucky cos i had a dealer serving from round the corner from me, he'd cancelled his usual offers but at least i could score- me and my boyf stopped by the homeless hub in town (i wasn't homeless but he was) and no one in there had been able to get any brown. anyway went to sit in a secret spot in a car park that was sheltered til we ran out of drugs. by then another guy had come on, but we had to wait over an hour in the snow.

basically there are no motorways to norwich and the trainlines out there are super sketchy so as soon as dealers ran out they couldn't reload.

the next day, people had been able to reload so i called a guy who was usually near me. he gave a weird name for a regular spot a 5 min walk away so i went to the wrong place, further away through the snow and starting to rattle. i had to wait over an hour then it transpired i was in the wrong spot, so i had to go to the right spot and wait another 15 mins.

that is the life i left behind and i do not miss it!!
Looks beautiful... Good for you Chinup. Those are the times that I don't miss. My favorites were when I would go to hell and back to get the money and a ride to the spot only to wait hours and have nobody show because the dealer forgot. To have him then say "I got you tomorrow". Tomorrow?? I don't need it tomorrow. Then I'd have to put up with his insults for complaining, which he was so fond of delivering. They love to "kick a dog when he's down" but they like my money. Fuck em and fuck their fentanyl.
 
To have him then say "I got you tomorrow". Tomorrow?? I don't need it tomorrow.
oh my fucking lord its like they do not know addiction at all, yet they probably know enough to advertise that they are 24/7. they do like insulting their users don't they lol. fucking bastards the lot of them. i dunno if its the same with your guys but they also refuse to wash in the user's places they sit in because they think they will 'catch' junkie dirtiness in our showers. yet they will eat food the heat up in my kitchen and are happy to leave the place a fucking shithole- i kept my place nice even when i was super bad but mostly cos i didn't want punters to think i was exactly what i was, i.e. a crack whore.

re fent in the UK- it does come about occasionally, i'm pretty sure i've had it at least one. smoked one pipe, which usually would be a starter, it knocked me straight out and then i woke up half an hour later rattling. i hope its one case where market forces will win out. cos everyone in the using community knows whose got what and will only go to guys with shite when they're super desperate.
 
@chinup That's a nice photo, thanks. I like snow in general, but it gets really burdensome here now. So much of it and it's not even cold, it rains on it during the day, and all is soggy and then freezes at night, which makes being outside a real drag. Having no real connection with people, getting cut off from nature kind of grinds on me. And there were at most a handful of days where I could see the sky in the last two and a half month.

And I'm on day zero again 😫, but I refuse to beat myself up because of that; done that enough to know that it serves no purpose at all, just brings more drama and negativity. Looks like I'm doing the back-and-forth-dance again, what a surprise. If I were cunning, I would call it tapering; technically it is but it's really not. 😞

Accepting, and moving on..
 
glad you like the photo @bongdong- we had the freeze/thaw thing too which meant it was barely possible to get outside without slipping about but thankfully that only lasted a couple of days.

you're right not to beat yourself up, there's nothing you can do, just keep fighting.
 
@chinup I'm glad you're enjoying the snow! And oh my god the beast from the East - you saying that has just bought back a super vivid memory for me that I haven't thought of for ages. During that period my friend came over just as it started happening with loads of money and we bought some heroin + crack. When he came over it wasn't even snowing IIRC, but then after a few hours it started coming down HARD and in no time at all everything was covered in snow. We ran out of crack so called my dealer to buy some more. He usually drove up to my flat, but this time he asked me to walk about five minutes away to go and meet him. I did it, only to find him and his buddy with their car stuck in the snow. They'd asked me to walk over there to help them push it out. So, all 3 of us were there trying, but we couldn't do it between the 3 of us either. I had to call my friend who'd waited at my flat, and between the 4 of us we managed to push his car out, and he gave me an extra b for helping him out. Though some memories from using are positive like that, I also distinctly remember that that lapse got so bad so quickly that I ended up shooting way more than usual and actually hoping that I would overdose.

@SunriseChampion - I think as addicts we are always going to find a way to beat the system and use without the consequences. I do the exact same thing - idly fantasize about the perfect situation where I could use without getting re-hooked. I think dwelling on those fantasies when we're trying to get some clean time is probably counter-productive though. Shrooms sound like a great idea though! I watched a documentary called "dosed" about this intractable heroin addict who relapsed constantly who uses psychedelics to help overcome it. It's amazing, I'd recommend it to anyone with an interest in psychedelics/addiction.
 
haha @Rio Fantastic quite impressed you managed to move the car, at least you got an extra b out of it. we all had to pay more for our shit for a couple of days.
 
And I'm on day zero again 😫, but I refuse to beat myself up because of that; done that enough to know that it serves no purpose at all, just brings more drama and negativity. Looks like I'm doing the back-and-forth-dance again, what a surprise. If I were cunning, I would call it tapering; technically it is but it's really not. 😞

Accepting, and moving on..

Every single day is really just the first of the rest. <3
 
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