• HEALTH &
    RECOVERY
    🌼 Welcome Guest 🌼
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules
  • H&R Moderators: chinup | JessFR
  • Bluelight HOT THREADS
  • Let's Welcome Our NEW MEMBERS!

Recovery ⫸⫸ THE RECOVERY THREAD 2021 ⫷⫷

Saint_Logan

Greenlighter
Joined
Aug 21, 2018
Messages
3
good luck!! though not my worst addiction by far weed was my longest, didn't manage to kick til i got addicted to heroin lol, it just lost its appeal. it is so fucking frustrating- can you sleep without it? that was the big thing for me. though i'd find after a day or 2 of zopiclone so i didn't get absolutely no sleep, i could sleep naturally.

i dunno what its like for you but i associate weed with making boredom tolerable. just such an easy go to if you're at home with not much to do. so try and find constructive ways to fill your time.

you could also benefit from meetings, NA and such, don't be put off by the hardened junkies, i've known people get great help quitting weed through NA.
thanks!

sleep is the biggest hurtle. i have a little timed lockbox that i use to control my use. i am going down a tiny bit each day for the next couple weeks. if i don't have to put my body through it, i won't, so 'taper' is the magic word for me.

I associate weed with stress relief, and when you're living in poverty you are always stressed. gotta find other ways to cope. i used AA/12 steps to get off heroin years ago. i had a good run, but don't vibe with it anymore. still have friends in the program though.
 

Saint_Logan

Greenlighter
Joined
Aug 21, 2018
Messages
3
i do like getting and giving support from and to the folks on these threads. i'm just super bummed to see that most of the support forums that used to be so active are now dead. i wonder what's happening to all the people who used to get support from those forums. when you search for addiction forums now, google and other search engines prioritize a bunch of website selling rehab, or medical websites with clinic definitions of addiction. this worries me for the people out there who need to be in the company of other people struggling with substances. 12 step programs don't fit for everyone. if there is only one narrow path to recovery, i can see that excluding too many.
 

bongdong

Resident Hermit
Joined
Jul 4, 2020
Messages
233
Location
monkeybody
The rest of restlessness is reduced to a strange feeling around my spine below my neck that comes pretty accurately at 1 a.m., and then goes away again. Can live with that, since it's getting less too. There is also no hassle in my head regarding using; it's just not the time for it. This whole back and forth costs so much energy (physically (e.g. digestion) and mentally), I just don't have the nerve for this shit so theres is not really any temptation at the moment which is welcome.

Occasional cannabis, which was kind of a weird thing lately. Thought CBD was mitigating withdrawal, but I'm not sure that was the case; had sort of paradox reactions. :unsure: Read a little bit on this THC vs. CBD thing, here and on the web. I couldn't care less but I think it's nice once in a while, uplifting and makes me eat and enjoy food more. Twisted my knee (the other one..) at the end of the year 🤕, but it seems to get better now and I can use some energy to hike the fuck around when I have the chance, to just shut up and be outside in nature in these odd times. Snow is melting fast now, first spring flower are coming, ..appreciating little things. 🌷

Hope you guys are rolling (no pun intended) somewhat o.k. too..?
 

RDP89

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 24, 2012
Messages
2,331
Location
Illinois, U.S.A.
Just trying to make it through until the first of April when I can see a psych doctor. I can’t stand being clean and sober yet unmotivated and depressed anymore. Definitely need some kind of medication. Still have 21 months no aclohol and 60 days off everything. Hope everyone is doing alright.
 

chinup

Moderator: H&R
Staff member
Joined
Aug 1, 2010
Messages
5,109
Location
Greatest city on Earth
Just trying to make it through until the first of April when I can see a psych doctor. I can’t stand being clean and sober yet unmotivated and depressed anymore. Definitely need some kind of medication. Still have 21 months no aclohol and 60 days off everything.
you are doing amazing!! and well done for booking to see a psych rather than relapsing. now you have a decent period of clean time under your belt underlying mental problems are bound to come to the fore, but at least you can actually get a proper diagnosis and help rather than having it all confounded by substance misuse.

i don't know where you are but i feel like i've been under lockdown for nearly a year- my area has been bad right through so even when restaurants etc were still open i didn't go. its made me feel very unmotivated and depressed and i'm drinking as a result, despite knowing that i want to go back to complete abstinence.

what have you been doing for self care? it makes a huge difference. for me, even going outside for just 10 mins in a day can make a massive difference to my mood.
 

RDP89

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 24, 2012
Messages
2,331
Location
Illinois, U.S.A.
Thanks
you are doing amazing!! and well done for booking to see a psych rather than relapsing. now you have a decent period of clean time under your belt underlying mental problems are bound to come to the fore, but at least you can actually get a proper diagnosis and help rather than having it all confounded by substance misuse.

i don't know where you are but i feel like i've been under lockdown for nearly a year- my area has been bad right through so even when restaurants etc were still open i didn't go. its made me feel very unmotivated and depressed and i'm drinking as a result, despite knowing that i want to go back to complete abstinence.

what have you been doing for self care? it makes a huge difference. for me, even going outside for just 10 mins in a day can make a massive difference to my mood.
Thanks!!! Yeah, I think one of the main reasons I used/relapsed in the past was self medication. And honestly my issues have been making me crave drugs really bad and I really don’t want to relapse. I refuse to relapse. But my issues cause me to abuse caffeine and other unhealthy behaviors for relief.
I was in prison all the way until August, so I was in a different kind of lockdown then, lol. But I’m in the U.S. and in my state has been in various stages of lockdown since I’ve been out. It has been pretty open for awhile though and I’ve recently been going restaurants and places with my daughter when she stays with me. I’ve been steadily working though since two weeks after my release. The first job sucked, but the job I have now is pretty damn good. I’ve had my own apartment for a couple months now so overall things are going great.
I probably should do more self care things honestly. My main thing is running and weights. I started running in prison and coming up on a year straight now I’ve been doing it. It definitely helps. There’s no substitute for meds if you need them though and I really feel I do. It might be a chore to find the right ine though, as there’s alot of things that don’t work for me or I can’t tolerate, namely ssri’s for one. I hope you can get back to your goal of total abstinence, but in the meantime I feel that as long as you’re practicing harm reduction and keeping things under control, that is a victory in itself.
And I believe you said you had a hard drug problem before, so you’re still much better off just drinking than using that stuff.
 
Last edited:

chinup

Moderator: H&R
Staff member
Joined
Aug 1, 2010
Messages
5,109
Location
Greatest city on Earth
Thanks!!! Yeah, I think one of the main reasons I used/relapsed in the past was self medication.
i think most addicts are self medicating at some level. just many don't know what they are medicating yet. good luck in your search for an appropriate psych med. be patient and give ti time. i am lucky that sertraline is really helping me with PTSD, still get mad depressed though.

I’ve been steadily working though since two weeks after my release. The first job sucked, but the job I have now is pretty damn good.
well done!! getting back to work helped me hugely, but i'm glad you got a better job cos it must become a hindrance pretty quick if it sucks. i had two mini relapses on heroin (+ one of them i used crack too) last year due to an abusive boss. thankfully got a much better job now and a sweet payrise.
feel that as long as you’re practicing harm reduction and keeping things under control, that is a victory in itself.
i am trying to!!! you are right, i think cos i did NA for so long i feel like a failure but i'm working, paying my own bills, and not whoring myself for crack so realistically i do know i'm doing OK. always good to have room for improvement though.
 

tired of crap

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 26, 2009
Messages
1,173
Well I’ve slipped
3 weeks ago I ate some edibles and at 2 weeks sans nicotine I deluded myself that a hit from the vape would be that. Wrong.

I promptly got sick from the 35mg/ml nic. Eventually went to bed. When I got up I continued vaping and have been since. Now I’m back on 50mg, for the past week.

I’ve been craving drink heavily this past week too (despite being off it since Jan 1). Finally caved Thursday. Bailed on work, bought beer and junk food. Slept all evening after drinking 4/6 tall cans. Slept like crap all night after sleeping half the day away.

Bought more beer yesterday. But was too tired to get into it really. Fell asleep early. Up early - at 2. Finishing the beer before I head back to bed. Embarrassing; This is the same routine I was in before.

I kept meaning to trip, rather than escape but either I was too apprehensive or timing didn’t line up. After a few weeks I simply reverted to escaping. And here I am.
 
Last edited:

Zephyn

Bluelighter
Joined
Oct 31, 2020
Messages
1,270
i think most addicts are self medicating at some level. just many don't know what they are medicating yet. good luck in your search for an appropriate psych med. be patient and give ti time. i am lucky that sertraline is really helping me with PTSD, still get mad depressed though.

Or there is just no good option
 

chinup

Moderator: H&R
Staff member
Joined
Aug 1, 2010
Messages
5,109
Location
Greatest city on Earth
god it is dead in here. is everybody back on one after taking a while off at the start of the new year?

had such a boring week at work. finished my task for the week on Monday and the person who sets my work hasn't been here. So i've basically been setting random tasks to try and fill the time and not feel too guilty.

going to try not to drink tonight. but it already feels like an uphill struggle. i've been good this week, not even craved alcohol. my main motivation will be the fact i'm actually half a pound heavier this week than i was last week, despite not drinking and having soup for dinner two nights. so fucking depressing.
 

Pumpkin2021

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 25, 2021
Messages
141
Location
Michigan
god it is dead in here. is everybody back on one after taking a while off at the start of the new year?

had such a boring week at work. finished my task for the week on Monday and the person who sets my work hasn't been here. So i've basically been setting random tasks to try and fill the time and not feel too guilty.

going to try not to drink tonight. but it already feels like an uphill struggle. i've been good this week, not even craved alcohol. my main motivation will be the fact i'm actually half a pound heavier this week than i was last week, despite not drinking and having soup for dinner two nights. so fucking depressing.
I joined to try and offer encouragement in H&R ( and elsewhere ) and you are right. Used to be dozens of posts for people looking for help but not so much anymore. Lurked for years and a lot of the posts I was following just dropped off the radar. When I first got clean I found BL very triggering and quit reading every day for awhile but the triggering is gone. Wonder if that might be others issues as opposed to relapses they are ashamed of. Hard to tell. You are a great inspirator chinup and I have read your posts for years. Sorry that you still fight your alcohol demon but you have come a LONG way from 5 years ago.
 

chinup

Moderator: H&R
Staff member
Joined
Aug 1, 2010
Messages
5,109
Location
Greatest city on Earth
a lot of people do drop off- they come on when they are rattling for support then disappear forever, i suspect most of them relapse straight away cos a lot of people don't take the psychological aspect of addiction serious. you are right that some may find it triggering too. i find the opposite, i can indulge my obsession with drugs without taking drugs.

and thank you @Pumpkin2021 - i have indeed come a long way! how are you doing?
 

Pumpkin2021

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 25, 2021
Messages
141
Location
Michigan
a lot of people do drop off- they come on when they are rattling for support then disappear forever, i suspect most of them relapse straight away cos a lot of people don't take the psychological aspect of addiction serious. you are right that some may find it triggering too. i find the opposite, i can indulge my obsession with drugs without taking drugs.

and thank you @Pumpkin2021 - i have indeed come a long way! how are you doing?
I'm doing very well. thank you.
 

chinup

Moderator: H&R
Staff member
Joined
Aug 1, 2010
Messages
5,109
Location
Greatest city on Earth
i failed at not drinking last night. my boyfriend was going to buy '1 beer' so asked if i wanted anything. ffs. not even going to try to not drink today.

sad thing is, i actually got that sort of euphoric drunk, so felt better than i have in a while, and just went downstairs to find i'd drunk cleaned the kitchen!!

am going to tell my therapist when i next see her. i don't know what she'll do other than be disappointed in me but i need to come clean.
 

bongdong

Resident Hermit
Joined
Jul 4, 2020
Messages
233
Location
monkeybody
I'm still here. Not puffing glitter up peoples arses though, true. My mini-recovery is still rolling/successful. Still have a little bit of this strange sensation in my spine between 1 and 3 a.m. as well as mental adjustments, changing habits, running away less and sucking up the discomfort it brings one at a time. But I'm not planning on making a huge deal out of it, nor an identity as <whatever>. Not convinced that serves any purpose..

@chinup "..speaking seriously of the psychological aspects of addiction:"
had such a boring week at work. finished my task for the week on Monday..
going to try not to drink tonight. but it already feels like an uphill struggle...
As I was diving into eastern philosophy back in the day, there was this little fat abbot of a monk I looked into. At times, he orderd his monks to dig a large hole somewhere in the morning. In the evening or next day, he mandated them to shovel the earth back again. Some novices got less than equanimous regarding that development to say the least; then an old hand turned to the others and said: Digging a hole is not that hard you know, ..thinking about it is.

Btw, you know how many times I went for "one beer"? 🥲 This shit's hilarious.., I'm sure you know the drill.

PS.: I'm wondering how @QTpi is doing with his project? I'm calling you out mofo!! 🤪
 

Pumpkin2021

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 25, 2021
Messages
141
Location
Michigan
Well I’ve slipped
3 weeks ago I ate some edibles and at 2 weeks sans nicotine I deluded myself that a hit from the vape would be that. Wrong.

I promptly got sick from the 35mg/ml nic. Eventually went to bed. When I got up I continued vaping and have been since. Now I’m back on 50mg, for the past week.

I’ve been craving drink heavily this past week too (despite being off it since Jan 1). Finally caved Thursday. Bailed on work, bought beer and junk food. Slept all evening after drinking 4/6 tall cans. Slept like crap all night after sleeping half the day away.

Bought more beer yesterday. But was too tired to get into it really. Fell asleep early. Up early - at 2. Finishing the beer before I head back to bed. Embarrassing; This is the same routine I was in before.

I kept meaning to trip, rather than escape but either I was too apprehensive or timing didn’t line up. After a few weeks I simply reverted to escaping. And here I am.
How are you feeling today? Are you still drinking or was it just a one off thing? Hope you are doing OK.
 

chinup

Moderator: H&R
Staff member
Joined
Aug 1, 2010
Messages
5,109
Location
Greatest city on Earth
My mini-recovery is still rolling/successful. Still have a little bit of this strange sensation in my spine between 1 and 3 a.m. as well as mental adjustments, changing habits, running away less and sucking up the discomfort it brings one at a time.
well done!! though why are you even awake between 1 and 3? i'm a sad bastard now and often go to bed at like 9.30, though do tend to read til about 11.
Digging a hole is not that hard you know, ..thinking about it is.
very true!!!
Btw, you know how many times I went for "one beer"? 🥲 This shit's hilarious.., I'm sure you know the drill.
ha yeah i know, its just how he justifies it to himself after being poorly all week. he probably knows deep down that i'll take the bait then he can blame me for it turning into a proper sesh.

gah my boyf isn't planning on leaving til the evening so my all day drinking sesh is cancelled. ffs.
 

QTpi

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Aug 8, 2018
Messages
16,142
Location
New England
PS.: I'm wondering how @QTpi is doing with his project? I'm calling you out mofo!! 🤪

Hey man, thanks for the thought.

I forgot what you know and what you don't, and honestly don't recall a project (lol), so ill try my best to recap.

About a month ago i was extremely depressed. For like 2 days. Thought i was gunna become homeless again and have my housing voucher snatched because of a relapse that ended me uo in the hospital along with some other shit i did. I had to plead to a bunch of higher ups. It ended up working for the time being.

Since then, I've been dead set on quiting. But i have relapsed. So, fuck me.

Once im in my apartment, which could be as soon as a month away, ill be far away from the drugs and the guys i live with. On my way back into the financial district. My therapist has an incredible amount of confidence in me, and honestly so do i.

At least, i am no longer in debt to my 5 main dealers this time around. That is a big step for me.

I honestly feel great RN.

Hopefully y'all are doing okay, too.

Peace
 

bongdong

Resident Hermit
Joined
Jul 4, 2020
Messages
233
Location
monkeybody
well done!! though why are you even awake between 1 and 3? i'm a sad bastard now and often go to bed at like 9.30, though do tend to read til about 11.
Thanx. Hm, yeah, I've become a bit of an owl. 🦉9:30? That's craaazy! I don't want to interpret too much into it (I know that sleep before midnight is ,or would be in my case, really valuable), but I "enjoy" the night hours. The nagging voice in my head is not exactly super stoked with what I'm doing with my/this life, naturally, so the calmness and solitude of the night makes it easier to just be, like 'other people don't do anything either right now (except sleeping)' so it's a licence to grant myself some peace so to speak. Also, my mind is tired from the day already, so there is less capacity for all it's nonsense. I guess that's why sleep deprivation works wonders for some people as to depression. (Maybe not.) Of course, the clever thing to do would be to get up really early, but ..you know. :rolleyes:

I actually picked up reading at night too a little bit when it's not too late, since I don't nod right away into sleep anymore. Yesterday I was actually outside freezing my ass off, taking some pictures of the clear night sky, or at least tried to. And growing a beard is also a huuge effort..
gah my boyf isn't planning on leaving til the evening so my all day drinking sesh is cancelled. ffs.
I don't really know why I never got into continuous use of anything (regular/daily yes), but I'm kind of glad cause I can imagine that could have gotten me into much more trouble.
 

bongdong

Resident Hermit
Joined
Jul 4, 2020
Messages
233
Location
monkeybody
@QTpi That sounds good/promising, dude!! :) Ad relapse: Well it hasn't screwed up your plans/prospects and you are still committed, so fuck it! I imagine a change in surroundings, away from drugs/users could make a huge difference.
My therapist has an incredible amount of confidence in me, and honestly so do i.
That's great! Really. Also from a therapy viewpoint; I personally have more or less given up on this whole schtik, I was never really able to wrap my head around the idea that it schould give me something that somebody gets paid to listen to my crap, even though they kept talking about this "therapeutic relationship" a lot. But I don't wanna blame, I certainly have played my part in this too. Anyway.
At least, i am no longer in debt to my 5 main dealers this time around. That is a big step for me.
Glad I never got myself into this kind of situation. Some natural paranoia is good for something it seems, who would have thought.

Good luck, keep going..
 
Top