I had a long talk with my NA sponsor last night. I told him I've been experiencing a lot of anxiety when thinking about the future. One of my reservations about using drugs was getting done with probation and required group therapy that I attend weekly. When I first got on probation and started the group, my idea was that I'd just get through this and then go back to getting high. For about three years, I tried to hide my drug use, lying to everyone around me, tricking the UA test, etc. It wasn't until I got a DUI in late 2016 that I realized this way wasn't working anymore.
I'm on the other side of things now, clean for a considerable amount of time, active member of NA, and nearing the end of my probation term, and I'm scared of what's to come. I never thought I'd be in recovery at this point, and I didn't imagine I'd have to build a greater life than what I'd had before. My beliefs and values have changed a lot already, yet there's still some echoes of that original plan and the beliefs surrounding it that I think may be holding me back a bit. I've been struggling recently with depression, anxiety, loneliness, inadequacy and shame, and trying to escape with caffeine, nicotine, porn, exercise, relationships, and any other way I know how.
Through talking with my sponsor and some other people, I think I've figured out that fear and uncertainty about what's to come is controlling me. I feel "good enough" now, comfortable in what I'm doing, but growth and progress means looking for something even better, and I've never been at a point where I could take a serious look at some of my goals like getting a better job/pursuing a career, moving to a better apartment, becoming (more) involved in extracurricular activities, spending time on hobbies, etc. I know some of those things don't ultimately matter, yet they are my goals nonetheless...and I've never been a goal-oriented person. The script has flipped and I'm scared but also excited about what's coming. I'm reminded a lot of the lyric in this song, "Like if freedom means doing what I want/Well, don’t I gotta want something?"