• H&R Moderators: VerbalTruist | cdin | Lil'LinaptkSix

When will I feel normal

Thank you, Yuba. It is pretty surprising that our brain does heal, despite the repeated abuse. During the first week I get powerful head rushes upon standing that make my body have almost like a seizure, and my legs will shake involuntarily and give out if I don't sit Back down. I dont know if that's normal for WD, but it feels like my circuits are scrambled and I tell myself my brain is adjusting itself. Now that I'm in my mid 30s, I'm finding that it takes longer for all the WD symptoms to leave.
I can relate to the feeling of normalcy once the libido comes back. It takes a few weeks for me, but I won't forget how strong it came back, it was like being in middle school, I become nearly overcome with emotion when I feel attraction. Unfortunately it's been a long time since I've had a relationship due to spending all my time with lady H.... And she is terrible for me!
Yuba, I didn't mean to call you out like that. You had told me about repeated relapse, so I shouldn't have asked. I've been on here for years, but I never posted, I think because I knew I would keep screwing up, and that doesn't help anyone. This time I pray is different.
I'm hoping that you, and anyone else trying to get through this, can escape being under this black cloud.
 
Thank you, Yuba. It is pretty surprising that our brain does heal, despite the repeated abuse. During the first week I get powerful head rushes upon standing that make my body have almost like a seizure, and my legs will shake involuntarily and give out if I don't sit Back down. I dont know if that's normal for WD, but it feels like my circuits are scrambled and I tell myself my brain is adjusting itself. Now that I'm in my mid 30s, I'm finding that it takes longer for all the WD symptoms to leave.
I can relate to the feeling of normalcy once the libido comes back. It takes a few weeks for me, but I won't forget how strong it came back, it was like being in middle school, I become nearly overcome with emotion when I feel attraction. Unfortunately it's been a long time since I've had a relationship due to spending all my time with lady H.... And she is terrible for me!
Yuba, I didn't mean to call you out like that. You had told me about repeated relapse, so I shouldn't have asked. I've been on here for years, but I never posted, I think because I knew I would keep screwing up, and that doesn't help anyone. This time I pray is different.
I'm hoping that you, and anyone else trying to get through this, can escape being under this black cloud.

I was going to post a reply giving you advice but truth be told I'm on day 9 of a relapse I smoke my gear and do nothing I smoke some crack get all happy and post here advice that I not follow myself such a fucking hypocrate.I wish you succeed because I would not wish this hell on anybody me the gear has got me by the balls as I write this tears are falling on my phone my wife has a photo taken of us two we about 16 I was already addicted to crank then why have I become this waste of life I'm so sorry for this fucking down beat message
 
Yuba, your words can definitely help people regardless of where you are in this. Especially if you've ever had any amount of clean time at all. I can relate, I never have any substantial clean time (outside of methadone maintenence years ago), and due to repeated relapses, I would hesitate to give advice as well, despite knowing what I need to do.
The tears I shed while using remind me that the drugs are killing me inside. At first, I use to feel better and feel what 'normal' feels like to me, then I find myself feeling the opposite just days into it... Despair, loneliness, depression, suicidal thoughts. Then the fear of withdrawal keeps me in it, until I'm broke financially and spiritually, back to withdrawal until wanting 'normal' again just takes too long for me, and the roller-coaster of hell makes another loop.
I'm hoping that when I mentioned feeling positive emotion with my family again, and looking forward to feeling Normal feelings, it might help you and others remember what that felt like. You aren't terribly long into your binge, there is still time to turn back and head the other way.
I'm hoping that you do, so that you can take a new picture with your wife, and look back years from now and when you see that picture the tears are of joy this time, as the memory will be when you started over, and felt happy and 'normal' again. My prayers go out to you.
Stay in touch.
 
Yuba, your words can definitely help people regardless of where you are in this. Especially if you've ever had any amount of clean time at all. I can relate, I never have any substantial clean time (outside of methadone maintenence years ago), and due to repeated relapses, I would hesitate to give advice as well, despite knowing what I need to do.
The tears I shed while using remind me that the drugs are killing me inside. At first, I use to feel better and feel what 'normal' feels like to me, then I find myself feeling the opposite just days into it... Despair, loneliness, depression, suicidal thoughts. Then the fear of withdrawal keeps me in it, until I'm broke financially and spiritually, back to withdrawal until wanting 'normal' again just takes too long for me, and the roller-coaster of hell makes another loop.
I'm hoping that when I mentioned feeling positive emotion with my family again, and looking forward to feeling Normal feelings, it might help you and others remember what that felt like. You aren't terribly long into your binge, there is still time to turn back and head the other way.
I'm hoping that you do, so that you can take a new picture with your wife, and look back years from now and when you see that picture the tears are of joy this time, as the memory will be when you started over, and felt happy and 'normal' again. My prayers go out to you.
Stay in touch.
How you doing mate thanks for your words a lot of things ring true.Yea a relapse only feels good first few days then fear of wd keeps you going.I smoked some gear this morning the dropped 600 mg of pregablin felt good then took another 300 mg I'm buzzing love the pregab buzz but have had 3 wd of pregablin and it's mental hell so have to be carefull.In my head in saying heroin was good for me at first it let me sleep on a coke Come down it was the golden ticket got me of coke kept me at home stopped me cheating wish I knew what a fucking monster it becomes.Will now get through this wd the cravings will get easier to control but they never will leave and I will relapse. Why can't I be one of these people who quit and stay clean simple answer is I'm weak . I try all the things you see on tv a addict looks at his family picture and quit for good I try to think of wife and kids but the urge overides all that which makes feel so shit .I'm going to be honest as soon as I smoke some gear all the pressure of recovery goes and like you said I feel normal again. So much pressure on me I'm moving back now on the 5th going to be near my old man again.I don't fear the cunt anymore but every time I see him all I want to do is smash his face in and and jump on his head till I see brains. You see that how can a son think that.In the UK I could finally feel free from his shit. I'm doing this for my wife and kids but I really don't want to go .The old man does not think he is old I'll make peace with my boys such a stubbon cunt now I have to see him all the time
 
This morning saw a Facebook post of a returning get play boxing with his blindfolded son.Af5er a bit the dad speaks the son shocked as soon as he takes blindfold off he gives his dad a big hug his dad in return tells him how proud he is of his son I burst out crying.My dad a veteran with the Indian army fought in 71 war but my old man complete opposite of that dad such a cunt.
 
My boy face time me today my daughter filmed him shadow boxing the boy is doing good.Have to do this for them and I will but come the next relapse I won't give them a second thought untill I'm high.
 
Yuba, it doesn't sound like you are in a good place right now. Although I know the feeling, there doesn't HAVE to be another relapse. I told you that I hadn't posted on here for years, because I knew I would keep relapsing, but I am learning that I need to stop setting myself up for failure, and try to stop saying and thinking that negativity. Easier said than done, but saying things like 'after the next relapse', implies that you can't beat this, but you can.
A saying that's been sticking with me lately is that I know that I have one more relapse left in me, but I don't know that I have another recovery left in me.
Now that I'm middle aged, each attempt at recovery seems to be getting more difficult, and I'm physically, mentally, spiritually and literally TIRED OF IT.
I feel for you as it sounds like you have a handful of vices, whereas H is the only thing ruining my life. I admit I have been puffing flower to excess since I stopped (finally legal to purchase here), but that's my next habit to break, now that I'm finally starting to get some real sleep. I can't imagine having to break another addiction that's anything like opiates at the same time. I'm wondering if there is a safer 'crutch' that you can lean on, when you try to get these poisons out of your life. I'm not sure if you have tried methadone maintenance, but it might have saved my life.
I figured you were in Cali, but you mentioned that in the UK, you "could finally feel free". So, what state or country are you moving to if I may ask? I hope that it's somewhere where these vices arent too close. Either way, you could make this move part of a new start for you. You can't change what vices will be around you, and you probably can't change your dad either, but you CAN change how you respond to these new surroundings.
If only we could leave our addiction behind us, and not bring it with us everywhere we move to. Unfortunately, it packs itself and will always be with us. The fifth buys you a little bit of time though, enough to get through the worst of WD, and at least beat most of the physical part.
Establishing a new routine is part of relocating, and if you are actively using, THAT will likely become the routine before anything. It would be nice if you could keep yourself busy with your wife getting everything set up in the new place, as I imagine that will take some time, and would keep your mind and body focused on doing things that will eventually make you feel even better, rather than having to deal with your addictive thoughts and letting that mind tell you that it's time to find something and that somehow that is more important than getting your life back.
Anyway, I hope you can think of the positives that can come from this change, and not let your addiction dictate how life will be going forward.
 
Yuba, it doesn't sound like you are in a good place right now. Although I know the feeling, there doesn't HAVE to be another relapse. I told you that I hadn't posted on here for years, because I knew I would keep relapsing, but I am learning that I need to stop setting myself up for failure, and try to stop saying and thinking that negativity. Easier said than done, but saying things like 'after the next relapse', implies that you can't beat this, but you can.
A saying that's been sticking with me lately is that I know that I have one more relapse left in me, but I don't know that I have another recovery left in me.
Now that I'm middle aged, each attempt at recovery seems to be getting more difficult, and I'm physically, mentally, spiritually and literally TIRED OF IT.
I feel for you as it sounds like you have a handful of vices, whereas H is the only thing ruining my life. I admit I have been puffing flower to excess since I stopped (finally legal to purchase here), but that's my next habit to break, now that I'm finally starting to get some real sleep. I can't imagine having to break another addiction that's anything like opiates at the same time. I'm wondering if there is a safer 'crutch' that you can lean on, when you try to get these poisons out of your life. I'm not sure if you have tried methadone maintenance, but it might have saved my life.
I figured you were in Cali, but you mentioned that in the UK, you "could finally feel free". So, what state or country are you moving to if I may ask? I hope that it's somewhere where these vices arent too close. Either way, you could make this move part of a new start for you. You can't change what vices will be around you, and you probably can't change your dad either, but you CAN change how you respond to these new surroundings.
If only we could leave our addiction behind us, and not bring it with us everywhere we move to. Unfortunately, it packs itself and will always be with us. The fifth buys you a little bit of time though, enough to get through the worst of WD, and at least beat most of the physical part.
Establishing a new routine is part of relocating, and if you are actively using, THAT will likely become the routine before anything. It would be nice if you could keep yourself busy with your wife getting everything set up in the new place, as I imagine that will take some time, and would keep your mind and body focused on doing things that will eventually make you feel even better, rather than having to deal with your addictive thoughts and letting that mind tell you that it's time to find something and that somehow that is more important than getting your life back.
Anyway, I hope you can think of the positives that can come from this change, and not let your addiction dictate how life will be going forward.
How you doing mate? Good to read you getting natural sleep it's a good feeling because the insomnia seems to last forever.It is a good sign your brain is healing keep at it mate. I did 1200mg of pregablin yesterday so it completely masked any wd.I woke up at 3 in the morning today drenched in sweat and that tickly feeling in my chest that make life unbearable.Took 600 mg of lyrica and about 12 lopermide I feeling better now the lyrica has kicked in. It's been 24 hours since I last smoked gear.I should be better by Friday I hope. I will be moving back to Yuba city ca a town I love but a town where most of my pals are on meth and which I was on it from 15. My wife's family all there aswell. I just can't see me staying clean I get to the 2 month mark and always have a relapse. It's the wrong attitude I know but when I be back in the states my biggest pain is my old man and to have him down my house of having to go to parents because of mom is gonna drive me crazy. I'm thinking that once I'm back to the states get some professional help but it has to be discreet will be having a medical for a class a license and I don't want anything to go wrong.I could work for our family business which is also trucking but I be in office with brothers but then the old man be there. I live the states but don't want to come back I had planned to move family back when the old man dies but the prick just does not drop.Hope you are keeping strong just think that after getting so far it's not worth the pain to relapse. Problem with opiate addicts is we forget the pain of wd to easily get on it and stay on it because we worried about wd.Tell you the truth I always hated methadone always thought it's just another addiction but have known a couple if people who it helped and read here people it has helped . I think that if I do go into office of family business I would try subs but if I get on the truck all that out the window I don't think be able to get class a while on any kind if maintain drug.Be strong mate and rightly be proud how far you got.
 
Hi Travis


Welcome to Bluelight!

You'll get more support if you start your own thread. Alot more members will be able to see you. That's not a requirement. It's completely up to you. Just wanted to let you know.

Good luck to you! Hang in there. It takes time, but it really does better. ❤️
 
Thank you 10years. I am considering starting a thread, but I figured that I should find a thread where people are already discussing sober living, and jump in, rather than starting one and having it be focused on me. You're probably right though, as I have only chatted with two people since I started posting. I figured more people would want to discuss their quest for sobriety, but maybe not. Anyways, Thanks for welcoming me.
Yuba, I'm really glad to hear that you are starting that path. If you can abstain from using much of other substances, and feel better by Friday, that would be awesome. I hope you don't set your expectations too high, and appreciate the gradual returns to normal, rather than making a bad decision when the time seems to be going too slow, or when you wake up and your body tells you that it's not over yet. If you believe that you can make it even two months than that tells me that you do know how to make it through this. Like I said before, I very rarely make it two weeks.
Either way, I have to remind myself that it's one day at a time, sometimes even one hour, or one minute.
I definitely can relate to somehow forgetting just how tough early WD is, and choosing to pick up again, and then once we get caught up, we then fear the WD and it keeps us actively using. I regret setting myself back every single time, and it's never worth feeling lousy again for days on end, just to feel opiates for a couple of hours.
 
Travis,

I hadn't seen any of your posts before. I've never started a recovery thread either. But, you definitely get alot more attention and support.

I didn't start a recovery thread because I was afraid it would be me fucking up all of the time.

Hope you're well.
 
10yg, I have similar concerns. I think I'm too apprehensive of messing up, and then I'm not just letting myself and my family down, but now people online as well. Although I could use some support, Ive already let too many people down in my life. I hide my addiction and WDs from everyone, and I go on here and read maybe so I don't feel alone. Knowing me, if I start a thread, gain some friends and support, only to admit defeat, I would hide and never post again. Then I'm back to being all alone.
Either way, I still think that it's a good idea for one of us to start one, if it will help someone else. I hope you are doing good as well.
 
Thank you 10years. I am considering starting a thread, but I figured that I should find a thread where people are already discussing sober living, and jump in, rather than starting one and having it be focused on me. You're probably right though, as I have only chatted with two people since I started posting. I figured more people would want to discuss their quest for sobriety, but maybe not. Anyways, Thanks for welcoming me.
Yuba, I'm really glad to hear that you are starting that path. If you can abstain from using much of other substances, and feel better by Friday, that would be awesome. I hope you don't set your expectations too high, and appreciate the gradual returns to normal, rather than making a bad decision when the time seems to be going too slow, or when you wake up and your body tells you that it's not over yet. If you believe that you can make it even two months than that tells me that you do know how to make it through this. Like I said before, I very rarely make it two weeks.
Either way, I have to remind myself that it's one day at a time, sometimes even one hour, or one minute.
I definitely can relate to somehow forgetting just how tough early WD is, and choosing to pick up again, and then once we get caught up, we then fear the WD and it keeps us actively using. I regret setting myself back every single time, and it's never worth feeling lousy again for days on end, just to feel opiates for a couple of hours.

Thanks for your kind words mate.My problem is not getting through wd but about a couple of months later.I start feeling normal get confident then the thoughts that I could use for a day relive the stress and stop after a day.I had been doing that using for a day then stop but it always leads to a binge at some point.
 
Yuba, I definitely can relate. Still, if you are able to get through the physical, and not look to relapse until two months in, then you are stronger than you think. I think it's safe to say that most of us who try to recover on our own, without maintenance or much support, rarely ever make it that far... Myself included. If I even make it past the physical, the mental tortures me until it's all I can think about, then it's like I'm on autopilot, and I'm down in the slums an hour later. If you are pushing past all of that, then you can do this. This time, when you are two months in, you will be different surroundings, have a different routine, and hopefully a different plan. It can remain just a thought to use, and doesn't have to be an action.

You and I, as well as many others know that one use will set you back, and eventually lead to a binge. It's just not worth it. As I type that, I am reminding myself the same thing, because believe me, the thoughts are there. Strong today.

One day at a time. I may not have faith in myself, but I do have faith that you can do this. Then, two or so months from now, you might help someone like us who are still looking for the light at the end of this dark tunnel.
 
Hello how is everyone doing hope all is good.I have decided to get on a maintanace program in a few weeks once back in states. Just need some advice on what would be better methdone or subs .Which is better for cravings and does it manage to improve mood.Im a few weeks clean again so dont have to detox bit i have to admit defeat in trying stay clean it wont happen. I Just want time to adjust to being back in states and not keep fighting my mind at the same time.
 
There you are, I pm'd you a few weeks back but never heard back from you. Glad you're ok. I'm sure someone with answers to your questions will come along and help you yuba.

Take care.
Ash.
 
I haven't heard from you in months now, all my messages to you are unread and you haven't logged on in a month now. Please send me a message and let me know you're ok. Even if you're not doing well I still want to hear from you my dear friend.

Please contact me asap,
Love, your friend always,
Ash.
 
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