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Welp. I'm back, and not with good news.

Thinkwithportals

Thinkwithportals

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 3, 2014
Messages
125
So here I am again! First of all, hello everyone. I wish I had stuck with this forum as you all helped me to a degree that was unimaginable.
I hope each and every one of you are doing well, and if not - the best you can.

I am sad to say I'm back at square one. In my last post I mentioned that I had recreationally taken Oxys. My fiancé unfortunately fell into it when he quit weed. (I never quit weed, though I haven't smoked it in two weeks.)
He and I took Oxys on weekends to relax from long weeks. Before I knew it I was back on kratom in between the weekends to combat the fatigue and negative emotions that popped up from re-abusing my crutch. (Opiates)

He recently made the decision to quit using anything recreationally, and I've been re-addicted to kratom for about 2 months solid. I lied to myself for awhile, telling myself I had it under control and it wouldn't get me again. But now I'm up every night in withdrawal. I truly, truly hate myself recently. I know I never faced the real reason for my substance abuse, and that's why I slid back into it so seamlessly. I just don't know what to do. It doesn't even bring me joy. I haven't taken any oxy in 7 days - and I don't plan to. I don't have the craving for it, instead - I'm wrapped up in the kratom. Tomorrow I'm joining a gym, and will begin working out every day in preparation to quit again.
August 12th will be the start of no kratom. Because of work, I am doing a slow taper and trying to be forgiving to myself.
I've looked into meetings, but I've always done things myself and for whatever reason - sitting in a circle with other people during withdrawals makes me feel really embarrassed.

I can't seem to fix the inner problem here guys. And I'm so mad at myself for getting through the withdrawals last time, and then fooling myself into thinking it was OK to even touch this shit again.
 
Thank you CH!
Any suggestions for positive thinking/lifestyle/mindset changes would be greatly appreciated. I find myself really struggling as of late.
 
Thinkwithportals said:
Thank you CH!
Any suggestions for positive thinking/lifestyle/mindset changes would be greatly appreciated. I find myself really struggling as of late.
Click to expand...

I think it's crucial to have some reason(s) to clean up besides just getting away from drugs. Simply quitting using is too abstract of a goal to help us ride out cravings, anhedonia, and negativity. You mentioned hitting the gym. That's obviously great from a physical (and improved psychological) standpoint. Maybe you could try to set some fitness-related goals? Or, like CH asked, if you have any other hobbies, diving into those can really help.
 
CH & Simco --
I used to really enjoy photography, and art (painting/writing/drawing)
I was a well know photographer in my area and I really enjoyed what I did. I also always had a new piece of art I was working on.
The last few years I feel as if all my inspiration has been sucked dry. :(
I haven't worked out on a schedule for about two years. I used to do yoga every day in the morning. I also used to go to the gym and really break a sweat.
But. Like I said, inspiration and motivation are running really low.

This is the hardest part for me;
Last time I told my parents and they were so proud of me for kicking. They even supported me through it. I feel so ashamed that I let them down. I have a lot of guilt and depression regarding my parents and I want to tell them so so badly. But why tell them if it's just going to upset them immensely ?

My fiancé is supportive, we are planning our wedding for September 2nd and that's a whole other can of worms as my parents will refuse to come.

I don't know guys :( the other week I was genuinely looking at articles on suicide and it brought me peace to think about. That scares me so much but I'm so tired of crying every single night over this.
I know I can do it, I just don't feel much like doing anything at all.
 
Hey there. It sounds like you and I have some biographical similarities. I'll just mention this in case it might help you feel more alone.

I used to make art too. Not terribly well, but I was passionate about it. Heroin took that away from me. Even after several months clean, it still escapes me. One of my biggest hopes is that eventually I'll be able to do that again.

Also, almost exactly a year ago, I felt really backed into a corner. I felt trapped by my addiction. I wanted to tell my family, especially my dad, about what was happening. But I thought doing that was unfair to him.

Things finally got bad enough that I did try to kill myself. Luckily that failed. I wound up in the hospital. After an initial stabilization, I did a month in a locked psych ward.

This ended up being good for many reasons. But chief among those was that it blew away all the secrets I was buried under. My dad came and visited me in the hospital most days. We're much closer now than we ever were before.

Please do whatever it takes to neutralize those feelings of isolation. People care about you much more than you realize, I'm almost sure of it. If nothing else, please keep us in the loop. We definitely care. <3
 
Do you have a therapist or another professional you can work with on this? Support groups can be good, but working individual with an experienced professional can be even better for some people. Of course, that requires you find a professional you click with, but that is no more difficult than finding a support community you click with.

I can only imagine the wedding must be stressful. How are you planning to deal with handling all the stress that a big life even like that tends to bring?
 
Thanks for responding everyone. The last week or so since I posted (keeping track of time lately is really hard for me) has been tough.
I fell into a really deep depression, worse than what it has been. I ended up taking some oxy, I really just have the "fuck it all" mindset.
And it sucks, it really does. Because this isn't me.
I have looked for therapists - not as hard as I could or should. But I tried. I just can't seem to find the motivation to do anything but go to work, and wallow in self pity.

My fiancé and I have pushed our wedding due to all of this. It's just not a smart idea with where we are at in our lives. I am fine with that, I would much rather spend the time finding myself again, and rebuilding a healthy lifestyle. I just can't seem to get a grip on how to do that and maintain it.

He bought me a puppy - we've been discussing a dog for a long time. And I'm absolutely in love with the little bugger. He got it in hopes that it would help me with this process. It's been a shit ton of work so far - and since I've had him I have been outside walking a lot more, which is good for me. August 12th is when I stop the Kratom altogether. I have my arsenal of natural herbs and all of the stuff I used before. I'm hoping I can use the dog as a means to motivate myself to do better - I have this little life depending on me to take care of it.

I just don't know guys. I'm in this really nasty grey area where I can't decide where to go or what to do.
I really appreciate the support and nonjudgemental advice you all have always offered me. I'm going to be needing it again.
 
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Try not to beat yourself up we all have our demons. Are you tapering? That's the best thing you can do for yourself right now.
 
Damn, TwP...that is an awful space you're in. All I can do is repeat cj's hope that you'll give yourself a break about the struggles, and to remind you that ask lost as you may feel, this is in no way a permanent thing. It gets better.

Not to make this about me, but a lot of your last post really reminded me of some stuff I went through. That feeling of being lost from yourself is a heartbreaker. The grey feeling. The loneliness of being gone from the life you built. Feeling at a permanent distance from people we love. I lived in that hole for several years. And I never thought I'd get out. Coincidentally in my case too, it was my dog who was my only confidante. I used to hold onto him while I cried on the floor. He used to whimper and nudge at me when I tried to fix (which made me feel even shittier about myself). ... The point is, over a *long, slow process* I started finding my way back to myself. There was no a-hah moment. No miracles. But over the course of several months, as I reached out for help and learned (through endless trial and error...dozens of relapses and quits) skills to carry me through, the greyness lifted a bit. I began to feel closer to people again. Things are still far from perfect. I'm still a work in progress. But I mention all of this just to remind you that as lost as you may feel, the distance back to yourself isn't as far as it seems. You'll get there. Just don't quit trying.
 
Thinkwithportals said:
I can't seem to fix the inner problem here guys. And I'm so mad at myself for getting through the withdrawals last time, and then fooling myself into thinking it was OK to even touch this shit again.
Click to expand...

Don't get mad at yourself. Instead of focusing on "fixing" your inner problems, maybe reframe that to understanding and exploring them for a bit without even trying to fix them. The pressure to fix them often leads to self-shaming thoughts whereas exploring them often leads to compassion and acceptance (like, "Oh, now it makes sense why I chose this or that"). It doesn't mean that you do not still want to change or move in a different healthier direction--it is just a language change in your brain that can get self-judgment out of the way of the path you are trying to find for yourself.
 
To echo cj and herby's advice, perhaps you'd benefit from taking a bit of a longer view of what you're going through OP. Rushing to get sober and devoting one's self 110% to simply not using often seems to set folks up for "failure."

Try and find ways to take a longer view approach to this. Gaining the insights which allow one to turn such obstacles into opportunities for growth is where recovery really happens. You're in a ideal situation to gain those insights after your recent experiences and disappointments in this effort.

Explore what worked and didn't work so well for you your last go round, then use what you know about what does work for you (avoid what doesn't) to help you set yourself short (psychological, emotional and physical health), mid (marriage, relationships, work, etc) and long term (like total abstinence, if that's what you want) goals.

You've experience a lifetime of challenges and successes (causes and conditions, as they say) that have lead you to the place you're at today, where you have a really powerful desire to change your relationship to harmful drug use. It's going to take a while to create a new kind of healthier, more self-actualizing kind of lifestyle. The struggle is of course the mistakes we make along the way to figuring that our and realizing it. The beauty is of course realizing the kind of personal growth we so crave.

Keep you head up OP. If you just keep trying, you'll find your way sooner than you might think. What is perhaps most important in my opinion from what you've been sharing about all this is that, despite some setbacks, you are clearly deeply committed and motivated to creating something better for yourself (and those you love).

That kind of willingness and desire - for a qualitatively better life I mean - is really all you need to get a strong foothold in recovery. Right now all you need to do is keep trying. A great way to nurture and cultivate that kind of intention is to try and practice doing something healthy and kind for yourself each day, even if it's just a small thing.

Do whatever you can to orient around cultivating a healthier lifestyle, relationships, etc. The more meaning you find in not using drugs, the less interest you'll have in it.
 
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It's been my experience that getting down and hating on myself only led back to more drinking /drugging. Getting a counselor (in my case a psychiatrist ) helped exponentially.
 
Thank you everyone. So much. Tomorrow is the day, I took my last dose of Kratom today. Yesterday I slipped up. I was so anxious about quitting I basically said fuck it, had a mental breakdown and took some oxy. I only hated myself more by the end of it. I am working so hard on forgiving myself, but every time I look in the mirror, or at my family, or my fiancé - I can't help but picture what their lives would be like without me in it. My addiction makes me feel selfish and worthless, more so now than it ever has. My new pup reminds me daily of the beauty in the world, and having to work with him (training and things) always provides a brief relief and happiness. But then I'm back at square one right away.

Toothepastedog; thank you so much for the in depth response. I have re read it at least 5 times tonight while meditating up my upcoming withdrawal.

Tomorrow morning I will be full blown. I haven gotten rid of the remaining Kratom, and all my supplements are out.

I'm just really sad and panicking right now. Hoping I can really figure out how to begin really repairing myself this time.
 
Look the next week is going to suck. Your not going to sleep your going to be emotional compromised ect. Don't make any decisions beyond what your going to watch on tv. Take hot baths. Stay hydrated. Eat ibuprofen and Tylenol. Just be one with the misery but understand it's completely temporary. You got this. Your not the first and won't be the last.
 
cj is spot on. Acute WD is definitely a time to minimize introspection (or at least be careful with it). As cj points out, you're going to be emotionally compromised...for me that always meant A) I would see my life as bleaker than it really was and B) my challenges seemed bigger than they actually were.

It's a corny cliche. But especially this week, try to look at your challenge as making it one day at a time, or even one hour at a time...whatever it takes.

But do try not to let your emotions unsettle you too much. They're just emotions and they're out of whack due to the WDs. We can't change our emotions very easily. But with some effort we can often change how we *think* about and how we react to our emotions.
 
Quick update.
I don't remember last time being this bad.
I feel super anxious - restless - lethargic.

One thing I HATE about withdrawal, is that my vision changes. Everything is way too bright - kind of shaky. I don't know how to explain it. It feels mildly like how the beginning of an acid trip feels. It throws me off and sets off a bout of anxiety.

I took my black seed oil and St. John's wort this AM. Chugged some water. And went on a short walk with the puppy. Found a five leaf clover and for whatever reason that sent me into tears?

I don't remember last time being this level of intensity. Thinking my oxy use has something to do with all this.

I took a really hot shower and bawled my eyes out the whole time. Keep reminding myself that it'll get better. But overall I'm reallllly struggling.
 
Quick question. My mom has a prescription for cyclobenzaprine. Would this help with the RLS hell I am experiencing? Or should I just stay away?

This time around I'm trying to stay away from anything other than natural things to help. Thought xanax helped me sleep last time and I never had any want to touch it ever again. Overall I'm trying my best to tough this out naturally.

Edit// ended up taking 1 of the cyclobenzaprine, seemed to help with the RLS immensely. I also passed out for 2 hours.

After that I felt mildly better. It's definitely coming and going in horrendous waves.
 
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