14YearsOfFlux
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Aug 8, 2016
- Messages
- 126
Flux vs. WD, Round 1... FIGHT!
What's up, Bluelight? I've been reading for years and this is my first post.
If this is in the wrong spot, please move it.
It's time we talked.
Background: I've been an addict for 14 years. Longer without knowing it. As a teenager, I used to steal moms 5mg Hydros. No biggie. I could jump on and off without issue. Then, at the age of 19, my first child and my addiction were born in tandem. One an angel, the other a devil. I injured my wrists in a work accident (ah yes... A tale as old as time!) and was prescribed Hydrocodone. You guys know the rest. The first few years ticked by in ignorant bliss. This was back in the early 2000's when getting a bottle of 120 Vicodin was as easy as filling out an online form, taking a phone call, and then thanking your friendly neighborhood FedEx guy.
Ah, the warmth! I was a machine! 19 years old, head of my department and making $65,000 a year, father of the year, etc. Let me condense that for you: I was a 19 year old addict who owned his home and had disposable income to spare. Needless to say, eclipsing 200mg a day was normal. 3 times that on my days off.
Well kids... this is when it gets ugly.
I met (nameless). He had done the unthinkable.... Crawled into the ceiling tiles of a local pharmacy, waited until they closed, dropped down into the pharmacy and went on a shopping spree. Again, this was prior to timed safes and the like. The net result? 4 huge duffel bags filled with every narcotic from A to Z. Oxys ranging from 5mg to 80mg, morphine, fentanyl suckers and patches, liquid and tablet dilaudid... The list goes on.
I was in junky heaven.
Unfortunately, as much as I wanted to believe the ride would never end, it did. Oh, you're out of oxy? Ok I'll take some fentanyl. No more dilaudid? Shit, I guess give me morphine. No more morph? Um... Tramadol then? You see how it ends.
2 years into my addiction and I got my first taste of opiate withdrawl. I quickly educated myself with a crash course in addiction neuroscience and learned at a quick clip what I was in for. After 3 days of hell, I stumbled into my local methadone clinic.
Here I stayed for 3 years. It was 2007 when I was discharged for non-payment.
The usage began to take its toll on my mental and physical state. I lost my first (of many) jobs. My girl and I parted ways, amicably though it may have been, it was thanks to the drugs. Things started unwraveling when I finally chose recovery! How ironic right? Yeah... I wasn't recovering. I was only buying time until my next dealer angel descended upon me.
Fast forward to 2014: Failed job after failed job. My job performance was always stellar. My attendance, however, was atrocious. I had sold all of my music gear, my RC cars... Anything of value.
My habit was raging. Destroyed relationships, foreclosure, lies, deceit, usage of people, theft, justification. You know the dance.
This is the trend that has continued until about a year ago when I found suboxone. I was using about 450mg of Oxy per day, via intranasal consumption of 30mg IRs (our favorite, amiright?). Then I found subs. I got in with a doctor and it was looking good. Then I was kicked from the program for (surprise) missing an appointment and failing a drug screen.
Back to the streets I go. Last year consisted of 3 days to a week on subs, then back to whatever I could find... Oxy mostly. Then, back to subs. Repeat ad nauseum.
I'm ready guys. I'm ready.
3 days ago, I jumped off Subs after a week long taper down to 0.5mg twice a day. Not as low as I'd have liked, but low enough to feel surprisingly the least withdrawl I've ever felt. 2 days ago, I went on a little minor oxy binge. 90mg over two days.
Now here we are. 24 hours with no opiates. It begins. I've taken an adderal this morning (20mg IR) and (yes I've read both sides of the proverbial pamphlet) it has eliminated nearly all of my withdrawl symptoms, save for the lingering jagged physical anxiety and yawns. Off to the store to purchase some Loperamide, of which I will be using in 4mg increments every 24 hours.
14 years.... 14 years.
My mind is strong, my body is weak. I am confident in myself as long as I can mitigate my PAWS. This is my first real attempt at killing the devil.
Wish me luck.
Thanks for reading and I'll keep you guys posted every few hours.
What's up, Bluelight? I've been reading for years and this is my first post.
If this is in the wrong spot, please move it.
It's time we talked.
Background: I've been an addict for 14 years. Longer without knowing it. As a teenager, I used to steal moms 5mg Hydros. No biggie. I could jump on and off without issue. Then, at the age of 19, my first child and my addiction were born in tandem. One an angel, the other a devil. I injured my wrists in a work accident (ah yes... A tale as old as time!) and was prescribed Hydrocodone. You guys know the rest. The first few years ticked by in ignorant bliss. This was back in the early 2000's when getting a bottle of 120 Vicodin was as easy as filling out an online form, taking a phone call, and then thanking your friendly neighborhood FedEx guy.
Ah, the warmth! I was a machine! 19 years old, head of my department and making $65,000 a year, father of the year, etc. Let me condense that for you: I was a 19 year old addict who owned his home and had disposable income to spare. Needless to say, eclipsing 200mg a day was normal. 3 times that on my days off.
Well kids... this is when it gets ugly.
I met (nameless). He had done the unthinkable.... Crawled into the ceiling tiles of a local pharmacy, waited until they closed, dropped down into the pharmacy and went on a shopping spree. Again, this was prior to timed safes and the like. The net result? 4 huge duffel bags filled with every narcotic from A to Z. Oxys ranging from 5mg to 80mg, morphine, fentanyl suckers and patches, liquid and tablet dilaudid... The list goes on.
I was in junky heaven.
Unfortunately, as much as I wanted to believe the ride would never end, it did. Oh, you're out of oxy? Ok I'll take some fentanyl. No more dilaudid? Shit, I guess give me morphine. No more morph? Um... Tramadol then? You see how it ends.
2 years into my addiction and I got my first taste of opiate withdrawl. I quickly educated myself with a crash course in addiction neuroscience and learned at a quick clip what I was in for. After 3 days of hell, I stumbled into my local methadone clinic.
Here I stayed for 3 years. It was 2007 when I was discharged for non-payment.
The usage began to take its toll on my mental and physical state. I lost my first (of many) jobs. My girl and I parted ways, amicably though it may have been, it was thanks to the drugs. Things started unwraveling when I finally chose recovery! How ironic right? Yeah... I wasn't recovering. I was only buying time until my next dealer angel descended upon me.
Fast forward to 2014: Failed job after failed job. My job performance was always stellar. My attendance, however, was atrocious. I had sold all of my music gear, my RC cars... Anything of value.
My habit was raging. Destroyed relationships, foreclosure, lies, deceit, usage of people, theft, justification. You know the dance.
This is the trend that has continued until about a year ago when I found suboxone. I was using about 450mg of Oxy per day, via intranasal consumption of 30mg IRs (our favorite, amiright?). Then I found subs. I got in with a doctor and it was looking good. Then I was kicked from the program for (surprise) missing an appointment and failing a drug screen.
Back to the streets I go. Last year consisted of 3 days to a week on subs, then back to whatever I could find... Oxy mostly. Then, back to subs. Repeat ad nauseum.
I'm ready guys. I'm ready.
3 days ago, I jumped off Subs after a week long taper down to 0.5mg twice a day. Not as low as I'd have liked, but low enough to feel surprisingly the least withdrawl I've ever felt. 2 days ago, I went on a little minor oxy binge. 90mg over two days.
Now here we are. 24 hours with no opiates. It begins. I've taken an adderal this morning (20mg IR) and (yes I've read both sides of the proverbial pamphlet) it has eliminated nearly all of my withdrawl symptoms, save for the lingering jagged physical anxiety and yawns. Off to the store to purchase some Loperamide, of which I will be using in 4mg increments every 24 hours.
14 years.... 14 years.
My mind is strong, my body is weak. I am confident in myself as long as I can mitigate my PAWS. This is my first real attempt at killing the devil.
Wish me luck.
Thanks for reading and I'll keep you guys posted every few hours.
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