Help me get off Black Tar Heroin!

[Get2Think]

Guys I really need your help. I caught another habit. I had a few months sober and caved and used IV heroin a few weeks ago and now I use maybe every other day. My tolerance is pretty small I maybe do 1/3 a gram over two days, rest for a day, and then get another 1/3. I keep saying I'm going to quit after this last time but I always go back for more. I'm trapped yet again.

I've been through this before and have been battling to stay clean for years now. The most sobriety I've had was 7 months and that was without maintenance drugs. I love sobriety, I just can't seem to do it for such long stretches. I really want to be clean though and my love of opiates has cost me so much, and right now I will get kicked out of my sober living environment, and loose my new job if I don't stop.

I am circling the drain and I don't have the strength to stop. I am running out of money and I don't have health insurance. Suboxone helped keep me clean in the past but I would eventually relapse on alcohol and then start taking pills and stuff and before you knew it I was back to heroin.

I have never been the methadone route because of price and the fact that you have to go get it so frequently just seemed like a pain in the ass. But my life is on the line now, I am going to loose everything and hit a bottom unlike anything I have ever experienced before. I'm already driving on a suspended license to the ghetto to cop so I know my luck will run out one of these days and I'll get arrested and have my car impounded.

I also overdosed last week and after it happened I convinced myself that I was done and this just wasn't what I wanted out of life. But then a few days went by and I bought more H. Now I am starting to experience withdrawals if I go to long without using. Things are about to get so much worse.

Please fucking help me. I don't know what to do, my family, roomate, friends all think I'm celebrating 5 months clean this sunday, and I would had I not secretely relapsed. I am living this gigantic lie and have been unable to go to a NA or AA meeting out of sheer laziness, I am so unmotivated to do anything but lie in bed, use, and watch tv. I even told my boss that my father died to get some time off from work, which I have spent using and lieing in bed in my room alone.

My life was so beautiful and full of excitement, hope, and love a month ago. Now I am miserable again and need someone to take my hand and lead me out of this mess I have created for myself.

I dont make much money or have much money. I'm thinking about trying to get on methadone and just stay on a low dose for as long as I can, I just need some fucking stability in my life. I don't think I can afford subs with no insurance. I'm trying to get either obamacare or medical but since I've been using H I've been a lazy useless piece of shit. Money is running low and I'm running out of time.

PLEASE HELP ME.

.P.s. I forgot to mention detox/treatment isn't an option. My parents paid a small fortune for a detox, inpatient, outpatient thing and I was in treatment from march 2014 - june 2014. I have detoxed myself off opiates many times I'm more so concerned w/ not feeling a physical compulsion to go on continuing to use once I get the drugs out of my system.

 

[BlueSaffron]

Methadone is controversial on this forums and for good reason - it's hard to get off unless you go very slow. But for some it's a lifesaver, and I'm one of those people. I can't take suboxone for medical reasons, and cold turkey has never worked for me although I've tried. Methadone gets you stable, it blocks the heroin if you're on a high enough dose so fixing is basically pointless and/or life threatening, and tbh, it makes you feel good. Like a less potent heroin - a lot less euphoria but still a mood lifting effect, at least for me. You might be one of those people who gets better by getting on a good stabilizing dose of methadone, like 70-90, and just spends the next year evening out. Then in a year, you start slowwwwwly tapering. Maybe 1 mg a week. When you get down low, maybe 1 mg every two weeks. Most clinics let you get take home doses once you've been clean for a while, so it becomes less of a hassle.

I've been on methadone about 3 months now and only relapsed once, but it's important to note that I'm on a VERY low dose. Had I been on a higher dose and reducing it slowly I would not have relapsed, but I chose to go fast because I want off it soon.

The day you get busted in the hood on a suspended license with dope on you and have to go kick in jail and deal with a felony on your record (which sucks when you finally decide you want to live a normal life - take it from me), you're going to kick yourself for not doing something about this sooner. Don't let it come to that. You CAN get sober - you've done it before and you can do it again. Lots of us here have done it and are doing it. If subs aren't an option and you don't want to CT it, I'd say try methadone. Just be aware that kicking it is hard unless you go VERY slow, but it is doable, and may be preferable to the alternative.

 

[Get2Think]

Thank you Blue for sharing your methadone experience with me and reminding me that I am taking a very serious risk everytime I go to cop in the ghetto. This may sound stupid given the seriousness of the matter, but how do junkies afford MMT treatment? I am a poor 29 year old working part time trying to pay off student loans, credit card debt, and legal fees and to me $300 a month for a medication is kind of a bit hit. I know dope is way more expensive, it just seems like it'd be hard to get ahead financially paying for MMT. That is always whats turned me off it in the past.

 

[BlueSaffron]

Its hard to get ahead financially when you're dead, in jail, or strung out, too mines 240 a month. I dont like paying it, but i like the alternative even less. I know some insurance covers it... You should see about getting Obamacare, and at least check out your local clinic & see how much they charge.

 

[Zerix]

Don't beat yourself up brotha, the world isn't ending right now, I know it hella sucks, and it's something I REALLY FEAR, as I only have 2 months and shit can hit the fan anytime, but move forward. Acknowledge what happened, and promise yourself this won't happen again, and really mean it! I definitely feel for ya about the lying process, in your position I would totally be hating myself about the 5 month mark and be full of negativity (as I always am during a fuck up), but I think you shouldn't hide it, I'm not sure if the people around you understand addiction or this kind of situation (?) but relapse happens, it's happened to my ass 3 times, and that's why I refuse to let it ever happen again, 3 strikes I'm out!

Learn from this, learn from this and keep moving forward, let it make you STRONGER. Let me also tell you that the reason I'm clean now mostly is because when I went to pick up some tar from a bad part of town, in someone's car, we got stopped, and I ended up going to jail. I was withdrawing in there with NO help from anything or anyone, for a total of 3 weeks. I do not wish that kind of misery on anyone. Don't let that happen - I thought I was invincible, until our car got pulled over cause one of the tail lights was not lit in my friend's car. Unfortunate...

And by the way, I'm struggling hella hard financially too, VERY hard right now actually. Just remind yourself that going to pick up and using, is NOT gonna put money in your pocket. I like to remember how much money I could have possibly had in my pocket if it wasn't for this, and it helps me think of something else immediately cause I get the whole "fucking loser" feeling.

Update us

 

[Get2Think]

As I lay here picking, scratching, and taring at my flesh with my fingernails until it bleeds and satisfies some sick compulsion I ponder how I can really relate to the battle with opiates. It's terrible enjoying a few months of sobriety and growing so much as a person and living in love, friendship, hope, beauty.

And then the thought of using comes and it won't go away. How I would do it: who would I call, where would I go, how much would I use. Once again I told myself I could take a vacation from sobriety to binge on IV heroin and once again I now find myself 3 weeks later calling in sick to work, running out of money, and lying to everyone including myself.

Everyday I tell myself I'm done and that I quit heroin. And then everyday I either buy more or sleep to pass the time until I can buy more. Now I have a habit and am stuck in the devils playground. It's like Hotel California, I can check out any time I'd like but I can never leave.

You would think for a strong young man who has experienced the horrors of addiction and the beauty of sobriety and who wants more than anything to be sober and free from addiction that this wouldn't be so difficult. But it is, I am addicted. It's the saddest thing I have ever done to myself, to throw myself back into slavery. Why....why???

At this point I have to decide between methadone or possibly suboxone which are terrible choices to me all I want is to be stone cold sober again. But I have no willpower or strength and cannot make it through the first weeks of that transition back to reality/sobriety. I feel so weak and hopeless and I've let everyone down, most of all myself and my higher power. This relapse has really shown just how sick a person I am, and how incurable and insane this disease I have really is. I use to have trouble wrapping my mind around having an incureable fatal disease but I'll tell you what, I'm livingproof that this shit is for real. And Im scared.

 

[Get2Think]

I called a bunch of methadone clinics and various other drug and alcohol facilities trying to find an outpatient detox program. I finally did find one but they wanted like 22 dollars for suboxone and 18 for methadone everyday and the program lasted 21 days. My habit is so small that if I could just get my hands on one 8mg strip of sub I could get clean. I guess I'm being a wimp not wanting to face yet another cold turkey detox. I'm guessing by Day 4 I would feel 75 percent better and day 5, 90%.

I feel bloated and sickly I had to leave the house so I ended up buying dope since I was out of the house anyways. You should see what I look like, pale gaunt skin, sratch marks all over my face and pinned bloodshot eyes, hair afro'd out, beard untidy. I need help, even the guy who helps me cop said so. I'm not new to this addiction, but I just feel like heroin is eating me alive and I am seriously fearful for my life.

I've thoigjt abkut who I could call but I can't have anyone see me like this, not even my roomate. I just see no way out of this mess besjdes a terrible few days of fighting off cravings to go buy more, and toughing it out. I guess I just needed to share this and thank you to those couple kind hearted folks who told me that I'm not alone and that they can relate to what I am going through, That makes me feel better. I am so tired.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

You have to address the psychological issues that are leading to you using

There's a reason why detoxes don't work. They just reset your system and leave your mind just as psychologically scarred as you were when you started.

It's easy to quit using drugs; the hard part is getting psychological help so that you can stay happy without drugs.

 

[VerbalTruist]

It sounds to me like a Bupe program and consistent meetings in order to build a support structure would be the ticket here. I'm not sure how old you are or how much your addiction has cost you, but it also seems like you might not be at your bottom yet. I guess I would say that the consequences of long term heroin use are fucking brutal and you won't be able to avoid it forever.

Time to work up the courage to reach out for help and get where you need to be. For me, I had to move away from the state I lived in for a year. Away from everything you rarely have a choice to do anything, but work on yourself.

 

[Get2Think]

I realize there is a even lower bottom right around the corner thats why I'm trying to get some help. My reasons for using are mainly as a way of escaping boredom and the annoying trivialities of life. I'm all out of dope and need to recover somewhat by monday. I'm thinking lots of rest and water. This will be a cold turkey detox w/o bupe but it shouldn't be so bad compared to times I've kicked in the past. Also I may have a limited supply of Xanax to aid me.

 

[phactor]

I dont make much money or have much money. I'm thinking about trying to get on methadone and just stay on a low dose for as long as I can, I just need some fucking stability in my life. I don't think I can afford subs with no insurance. I'm trying to get either obamacare or medical but since I've been using H I've been a lazy useless piece of shit. Money is running low and I'm running out of time.

PLEASE HELP ME.

.P.s. I forgot to mention detox/treatment isn't an option. My parents paid a small fortune for a detox, inpatient, outpatient thing and I was in treatment from march 2014 - june 2014. I have detoxed myself off opiates many times I'm more so concerned w/ not feeling a physical compulsion to go on continuing to use once I get the drugs out of my system.

The next open enrollment for Obamacare starts November 15th of this year. I highly recommend signing up. I have it myself and I pay next to nothing for medical coverage and prescriptions. I have very little income and am in Graduate school so its a huge help for me.

In regards to "physical compulsion", I have found that at first the compulsion to use does indeed feel very physical but overtime this begins to change into a mental struggle. Going to treatment gave you a big leg up here. I'd imagine they gave you directions/suggestions on what to do. Though this may sound difficult, I would head to an NA or AA meeting and get honest with what is going on. For me, guilt and shame are big drivers of my use. I have secretly relapsed in the past and its a terrible feeling for me. Starting the slow process of getting honest would be the way I'd go.

Detoxing sucks big time, but the challenge for me (at least) is staying off. For me it takes a radical change and constant vigilance. Its getting easier, but its still a challenge. I do know that I do not want to use anymore. Sometimes it sounds nice, but I know that is my addiction talking.

Basically, think of it this way.... what would be more disappointing: Everyone finding out you relapsed because you are caught or some other consequence, or an admission of "yeah I fucked up, but here is what I am doing to prevent that from happening"

Relapses happen and I will not joke around they are really really serious (possibly fatal), but what is more important is how you respond to them.

Get up, wipe the dirt of your shoulders and get back at it.

PM me if you need too/want too

 

[Zerix]

How are you doing get2think??

I've been going through relapse thoughts yesterday and today, I am very happy tomorrow is outpatient class cause I'm gonna get tested and cannot afford to fuck up.

What's going on with you? Please just remember, just because you relapsed, does not mean you have to continue using, it was a big bump in the road, but pick yourself up buddy. Pick yourself up.

Share with us.

 

[Get2Think]

Hey guys thank you for looking out for me and trying to help me. There is opiates in my blood as we speak because I only made it 1 day before caving and getting more junk. To me it was a setback but the wars not over. By the end of today I will have run out of dope and then the plan is to jump right into recovery: meetings, literature, and most importantly getting an NA sponsor. I wont have money for dope and also have to clean up because I am going back to work soon. Getting out of this pit has been absolutely terrifying, the power of this addiction is so evil. I can detox myself alone but I can't stay clean afterwards alone. I have my work cut out for me guys, but this is a chance to gain my life back. Active addiction is a disgusting alternative to life that doesnt interest me anymore. It's an all encompassing drug that wont stop until its absorbed every part of my life and me.

 

[Zerix]

Good job man! Stay strong, you can seriously continue on a lovely path. Fuck dealing with all that bullshit that it causes. Everytime the thought of smoking some crosses my mind, and yes it still does of course, I just remember immediately, how bad of a life it causes you to lead, and how much money is wasted FOR NOTHING. Such garbage! If it had no downsides then we could all meet up and smoke on together ha! But, there's plenty of negatives, unfortunately.

Let us know how goes

 

[Get2Think]

So tired of loosing to this disease. Whenever I get on my feet and begin to make any progress I give it to the "just a weekend" "one more time" "quick binge" lie and then my life is taken hostage again. Somedays I feel like I am right on the edge of finally getting recovery for the rest of my life. But other days I wonder why when I'm sober my brain trys to convince me to go back this lonely hell-hole of self destruction. I had a really good thing going and I ruined so much of it. I don't know how I will be able to go back to being sober in a bedroom that I have shot dope in. When is enough fucking enough? When will I completely admit to myself that this isn't fun anymore. Killing myself slowly isn't fun anymore, and being so hopelessly addicted to killing myself is just downright evil. I have never felt like such a victim in my entire life. I admit it was my choice to relapse and I admit that there is a solution in the program of AA/NA, I just am so angry that I have to lie to everyone and start taking dirty chips otherwise I'll loose my job and living situation.

I have never wanted to be normal so much in my entire life, I am so sick of drugs occupying my mind and sucking all the resources and things I love away from me. I want to give up. I hate the idea of suicide but I have enough xanax and h to accomplish it were I to do so. Which I doubt I will, I know sobriety is wonderful, but I think I might rather be dead then having to keep coming back to this hellish demons playground. I'm so tired of wanting sobriety on drugs, and wanting drugs on sobriety. I know I'm not alone and I know for a heroin IV addict I can never drink alcohol or use any substance successfully. I want to be happy for my new life in sobriety but I'm not. I'm scared of failing and I'm just such a weak person with very little will-power how am I ever gonna make it? I like living but this ain't living, having a mind constantly tempt me to do bad things that hurt myself and my family. If my family new I relapsed again it would crush them. I have wasted thousands of their dollars on treatment only to get 4 months and decide to use for a weekend, which turned into a month of almost everyday use.

I feel like a bad person, a sick person, a disgusting person, a weak person, a defeated person, and a doomed person. Maybe when I crossed that line into IV heroin I was signing my life away. I've been trying to get sober for the last 4-5 years and the most time I've had was 7 months. But I always go back. I am so disapointed in myself Bluelight, so so very ashamed and dissapointed. Maybe I really am the loser those people in high school said I was. God help me...

 

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

Get2Think: DO NOT beat yourself up over this. Relapses/fuck ups happen. It's part of the process of getting sober. You seem motivated to get sober, and at least you realize you have an addiction. That's more than a lot of people realize. You're not a fuck up, loser, etc. What you are feeling is temporary, and getting into a treatment/detox place may help. Good luck.

 

[BlueSaffron]

I'm so tired of wanting sobriety on drugs, and wanting drugs on sobriety.

fucking hell, I can relate to this so much.

you aren't alone in this - I know it feels like it, but so many of us have gone through this and know exactly how you feel. Keep trying. xx