I have been on Bluelight for almost two years. At the beginning of my Bluelight tenure, I was in a very dark and evil place. I had triggered a debilitating mental illness by irresponsible drug use (I won't call it MDMA as I did not test it, but it was sold to me as "Molly"). Those that know my story, know I went through some terrible anxiety and DP/DR. I was terrified that I had truly ruined my life. I thought everything I had know had changed and I was stuck with the consequences of my irresponsibility.
Worse, when I first experienced these feelings, there was no place to turn to. No doctor knew what to say, no medical journal made sense, and none of my friends could understand. I was stuck in a living hell that was very very close to completely consuming me. Reading tidbits about brain damage, hppd, and permanency absolutely terrifed me and made things much worse. I thought it was all over. I even considered riding my motorcycle up to the Golden Gate Bridge and taking a swan dive to freedom from my comedown.
Thankfully, I did not do that. Things got better. Over time, I found a community here. I found support. I found answers. Even if the information I was getting was not 100% correct, it was amazing to connect with someone who could understand how I was feeling. After many months, the DP/DR went away and I started to feel normal. If it were not for Bluelight and you guys here, I may not be here writing this today.
Today, I just got home from Coachella, weekend one. Several in my group wanted to roll. I had been weighing the pros and cons and decided to say "fuck it, I am in a very good place mentally, I have learned a ton about the brain, mindfulness, anxiety and MDMA, I think I will be ok."
On Friday night, I took 140mg of tested MDMA and 10mg of 4-aco-dmt. Two hours later, I was in the EDM tent. While raving to Glitch Mob and the bass dropped and rattled my soul. For the first time in over two years, I felt that everything was finally behind me. The final chapter of my comedown had arrived.
I also sat and thought of my dozens of friends on Bluelight that have reached out via PM, as well as the countless others who lurk and come to BL for answers, and everyone else who has suffered due to strange side effects of MDMA. I got a sudden wave of real empathy and it almost brought my to tears because I retraced my entire journey with my comedown. I felt the very real pain and despair that many of you are going through right now. However, as the night continued, the darkness lifted and I realized that you are all going to be ok. It is going to be tough, there will be setbacks, some of you will likely never touch drugs again; but you will be ok, things will get back to normal.
The rest of the night I danced my ass off to Zedd and Outkast. It was one of the best nights of my life. The positive energy has carried over throughout the weekend and I am in a very very happy place. I have not felt this good for a long time. Physically I am pretty beat up from 4 days of raging, but mentally I am fine. This is the happiest I have been in years.
I know things are tough. It gets better, I promise.
PLEASE do not go out and use drugs because I had a good experience without any problems. You never know what could happen (none of us expected a comedown in the first place).
I merely tell my story as a flicker of hope for those doubting the clear skies over the horizon.
Cruise on, motherfuckers.
Worse, when I first experienced these feelings, there was no place to turn to. No doctor knew what to say, no medical journal made sense, and none of my friends could understand. I was stuck in a living hell that was very very close to completely consuming me. Reading tidbits about brain damage, hppd, and permanency absolutely terrifed me and made things much worse. I thought it was all over. I even considered riding my motorcycle up to the Golden Gate Bridge and taking a swan dive to freedom from my comedown.
Thankfully, I did not do that. Things got better. Over time, I found a community here. I found support. I found answers. Even if the information I was getting was not 100% correct, it was amazing to connect with someone who could understand how I was feeling. After many months, the DP/DR went away and I started to feel normal. If it were not for Bluelight and you guys here, I may not be here writing this today.
Today, I just got home from Coachella, weekend one. Several in my group wanted to roll. I had been weighing the pros and cons and decided to say "fuck it, I am in a very good place mentally, I have learned a ton about the brain, mindfulness, anxiety and MDMA, I think I will be ok."
On Friday night, I took 140mg of tested MDMA and 10mg of 4-aco-dmt. Two hours later, I was in the EDM tent. While raving to Glitch Mob and the bass dropped and rattled my soul. For the first time in over two years, I felt that everything was finally behind me. The final chapter of my comedown had arrived.
I also sat and thought of my dozens of friends on Bluelight that have reached out via PM, as well as the countless others who lurk and come to BL for answers, and everyone else who has suffered due to strange side effects of MDMA. I got a sudden wave of real empathy and it almost brought my to tears because I retraced my entire journey with my comedown. I felt the very real pain and despair that many of you are going through right now. However, as the night continued, the darkness lifted and I realized that you are all going to be ok. It is going to be tough, there will be setbacks, some of you will likely never touch drugs again; but you will be ok, things will get back to normal.
The rest of the night I danced my ass off to Zedd and Outkast. It was one of the best nights of my life. The positive energy has carried over throughout the weekend and I am in a very very happy place. I have not felt this good for a long time. Physically I am pretty beat up from 4 days of raging, but mentally I am fine. This is the happiest I have been in years.
I know things are tough. It gets better, I promise.
PLEASE do not go out and use drugs because I had a good experience without any problems. You never know what could happen (none of us expected a comedown in the first place).
I merely tell my story as a flicker of hope for those doubting the clear skies over the horizon.
Cruise on, motherfuckers.
