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Vent/Rant Thread vs I'll tell you how I really feel (Triggering Content)

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It is hurtful though, really hurtful. It's like they're saying cause i was addicted to a substance that was "weak" I'm not allowed treatment like them. They forget that a lot of codeine has paracetamol in it n even though people do cwe not all of it comes out so codeine addicts die of liver / kiney failure which can be extremely painful. I was taking up to two boxes of nurofin plus a day which each pill contained 200 iboprofen. Because I was addicted i stopped doing cwe because I was not in my right mind n desperate to get as much codeine in me as possible plus had thoughts of getting stronger opiates (thankfully I never knew how ). If it weren't for suboxone I could be dead by now but when these people make me feel a wimp n "not kewl / likeable" because I've chosen to stay on on a high dose of medication n slowly taper off - well that HURTS. A lot. So just avoiding certain places / people from now on for the sake of my own recovery.
Thanks SH you've never ever judged me or based liking me on the medication I take / don't n it means a lot n is appreciated xxxx

It doesn't really matter what you were on.. an opiate is an opiate in my book besides you are now on a very strong one so fuck what they say.. I dont think that being a herion junkie or a big time pill head is any thing to put on your life resume.. but for some thats all they have to feel special... you have your girl and your master's studies just to name two.. you need to find away to not let the peanut gallery called everyone else in the world get you upset or down Evibe.. the world is full of assclowns quit listening to them as they sure do talk shit all day everyday.
 
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Thanks NSA. You're right, of course lol. I was talking to my key worker today about me being too sensitive it started off when i explained I could not attend a group as the ppl would remind me of my friend - started telling her how I'd been upset over her she was self harming n had bulimia as she 'd gone from someone with a full time job to someone who was killing herself n I used to worry that one day I'd find her dead. My key worker asked do I see her n I said no we'd fallen out because she'd sent me a really hurtful nasty text saying "stop talking about this that n the other as you're boring me senseless."

Anyway my key workered if I'd not taken it the wrong, was she joking. I'd taken it literally that she was saying I'm boring n was being mean. But my key worker was talking about how in text form you miss out the tone of language n if I'm naturally sensitive (which I am N I do take thing literally) then that's why I struggle sometimes with forums. So we were like talking through ways of how I could approach a situation. Like with my friend I could have text back n asked her what she meant by the text.

I also jump to conclusion n obsess/analyse a situation so if I'm in a shop n the shopkeeper seems snappy I automatically think they don't like me n obsess over why.

But since I've been on suboxone I don't obsess /stress/feel anxious about that so much n have more confidence. Instead of being scared to talk to people I confidently walk across the room n tk to anyone. Why would I stop something that's solving my problems n taking all the c*** away?

Evey x
 
Eve,

Awesome decision to avoid those people/places associated with negativity! I've met a lot of men who look down at me because I "only had a year probation" and have never been officially incarcerated for any length of time in either a county, state or federal institution. Fuck, I have met people who judge/have judged me because of the way I speak (which is rather formal), cross my legs when I sit down and use complete sentences in conversation. When I was much younger I was judged and ostracized for being mildly intelligent, made to feel like an alien-being destined to be alone, so I stopped being myself, started purposefully behaving like a "normal" teenager, changing my tastes in music, clothes, misbehaving, not participating etc, to "belong". Because I obsessively conformed I wound up with a horrible case of social anxiety and 4 wasted years academically speaking. When I began regularly using with other addicts I was judged for choosing oxy over heroin. So I caved and started doing dope to satisfy their expectations and avoid judgment. In rehab I was judged for choosing not to use intravenously. Everywhere I go, every human being I speak with, I'm afraid I'm judged. No matter how painful judgment is, it's much more painful to live out the sentence, especially when you DON'T have to and the judgment comes from people who are often times hopelessly engaged in the eternal otiose struggle to think better of THEMSELVES. You can be judged by other people, or you can choose to let them drag you down to their perspective- in my experience it's inevitably and unavoidably a long, strange, pointless way down. Any drug is just a chemical compound, and if you use it enough, the end result is always the same: addiction. As SH said, "addiction is addiction". Codeine or heroin, you suffer, you live in pain, and no matter what anyone else says their words are fundamentally incapable of minimizing, capturing, invalidating/validating and defining what you've been through, what you're going through and who you are. The less people know the more they speak. (Haha I guess that explains the average length of my posts!) Language has a way of colorfully shading ignorance, but ultimately the truth lies in actions, not words. You're doing what you believe to be best for yourself. There's NO shame in that, at all- as a matter of fact I believe that, given everything you've done, you have a great deal to be proud of. I have a lot of respect for you just from the few posts I've seen in this thread, just on that basis. Keep it up! <3

"The instant you begin to care about what other people think you become their prisoner." -Lao Tzu
 
Utopiate - that's a bloody ace post is that. And i'm sorry that you've been through all that you have. I mean that is very sill to judge you for not IVing when you're in rehab. Isn't that where people are trying to get away from drugs? Some people can be very cruel n tbh a lot of that sounds like jealousy: jealous that you weren't sent to jail like them, jealous that you didn't end up IVing like them. That's just my opinion, mind you. I like the quote there by lao Tzu - too true as we often find ourselves doing / not doing in order to try n please others instead of being free n simply pleasing ourselves.
It's like a counsellor once said to me in response to me expressing that I felt trapped in a bird cage like a budgey. He said do you feel trapped with the door closed or do you feel trapped because the door is open but you're too scared to fly though? I was annoyed at this question at the time but have thought over it as the time has gone by.

Thank you for the nice things you said about me. It's not so lol - but thank you anyway. It's very kind of you to say them.
 
Thanks SH you've never ever judged me or based liking me on the medication I take / don't n it means a lot n is appreciated xxxx

<3 xxx

Thank you for the nice things you said about me. It's not so lol - but thank you anyway. It's very kind of you to say them.

It is so, be kind to yourself <3.

I echo that, Utopia that post was ace. Especially the last part:

no matter what anyone else says their words are fundamentally incapable of minimizing, capturing, invalidating/validating and defining what you've been through, what you're going through and who you are. The less people know the more they speak.

<3 Be confident and proud of what you've accomplished and that you and those who are dear to you are safe today.
 
As SH said, it is so :) Allow that fact to affect you instead of the superficial, inane judgments of others. You will be infinitely happier (and, incidentally, a good deal more truthful and accurately introspective <3) Besides, budgeys are awesome pets. They're definitely the best domesticated birds I've ever had the immaculate fortune to encounter...

Thank you, SH and Eve, for your kind words... I haven't been through very much at all, though, and beyond staying alive and psychologically intact I've accomplished even less! I'm 18, I have many circles of hell left before I can say I've "been through" anything substantial :) (But I am part Irish, so it's genetic... Do a jig, have a line and possibly keep a written comic record- that's my attitude by this point. And to be honest I think it's the healthiest attitude I, personally, am capable of having.)
 
The inevitable has finally become real.

I'm being booted out of my room in exactly 1 week.
My local parents are moving to melbourne in 3 and trying to sell their house at the moment ( = cant go stay there for a while)
My interstate parents I argued with over christmas and they rescinded their invitation for me to come and live with them or in one of (yes.. there are many) their vacant properties.
My friends all ditched my over xmas/new years.

Maybe I can find some mindless laborious work in a small country town where I can lay low for a while, with no drug scene and no dodgy doctors. :? Feel very alone. My local parents have always been there for me when I need, but without that I just dont know. My drug addiction has been off the rails the past few weeks... its the only way to escape, but of course it just makes things worse in the longterm.
 
Eveleivibe said:
Really have had enough of all the anti sub stuff lately. I've been made to feel guilty for being on bupernorphine n like I am some sort of wimp for not being able to cope with a codeine addiction.

I think that a lot of the negativity/bafflement directed at codeine addicts who go on suboxone is not because people think codeine addiction isn't real, or that someone on codeine who goes onto sub is weak - but because sub has consequences that in certain ways are far worse than codeine - sub has a far worse, and much longer withdrawal, in particular. So I think a lot of the attitude you're copping is because of that - that people genuinely think you've made things worse for yourself by going on sub. But, that kind of thinking does miss a lot of the story. There is more to consider regarding opiate addiction than withdrawal. Maintenance meds like suboxone have benefits such as restoring a daily routine - you don't need to stress about where your next dose is coming from, how you'll pay for it, and so on. By helping restore a normal routine, an opiate addict can then focus on other areas of their life - rather than their thoughts being consumed by how they will maintain their addiction. Also, like you've mentioned, suboxone can reduce harms from additives like ibuprofen or paracetamol.

So, in a roundabout way, I think a lot of people probably aren't trying to say you're weak - but are actually concerned about you and think that by choosing sub you've made things much harder for yourself. This is just my assumption - and I admit, I was originally someone who thought going on sub for codeine caused more harm than good. But, you're right - it's up to the individual to make the choice that works best for them - there are consequences to being on sub, but in your case it sounds like the consequences of not going on it were worse. So, I believe an individual has the right to choose what medication works for them - as long as they have the information available about the choices, and go in with eyes open.
 
My heart is broken having gone through hell. I don't know why I am still here - I feel unable to accept what I have gone through.
 
I just totaled my car! I assumed the roads, though snow covered, were safe for traveling- after all I have a very steep driveway which, though snow covered, I drove down without any problems whatsoever. I was going 25 mph, turned an icy bend and lost control of my car. Drove straight into a tree. I believe I'm uninjured though possibly mildly concussed, though that's probably unlikely as I don't recall hitting my head- in all likelihood I'm just being paranoid, I hope.

Now I have no car, no means of transportation to work, no means of getting to meetings, nothing. I'm fucked in that regard.

FUCK!
 
S*** just realised I'd only taken 8 mg suboxone today n seemed to have some energy. I've done an hour n half of exercise, have another hour to do later but I've just taken the other 4 mg now.

What does "just totalled your car mean?" Sorry for my ignorance I'm from the UK n have never heard that expression before.

Evey x
 
My heart is broken having gone through hell. I don't know why I am still here - I feel unable to accept what I have gone through.
I don't think most of us know the reason we're still here. Sometimes all you can do is keep on going and know that there's a reason for it all. Keep your head up, Captain. <3

Utopiate said:
just totaled my car! I assumed the roads, though snow covered, were safe for traveling- after all I have a very steep driveway which, though snow covered, I drove down without any problems whatsoever. I was going 25 mph, turned an icy bend and lost control of my car. Drove straight into a tree. I believe I'm uninjured though possibly mildly concussed, though that's probably unlikely as I don't recall hitting my head- in all likelihood I'm just being paranoid, I hope.

Now I have no car, no means of transportation to work, no means of getting to meetings, nothing. I'm fucked in that regard.

FUCK!

You might want to get yourself to a doctor to get checked out just to be sure. Can you call your sponsor to see if they can help you out in regards to getting to meetings?
 
I don't know, I mean what's the worst that can come of an untreated head/neck injury, in the short term? I certainly don't have whiplash, thus arterial dissection is unlikely. I had an intense ringing in my ears the instant after hitting the tree, but I don't feel like spending the 100 bucks/1000's of dollars MRI's, computer tomography scans etc wrack up instantaneously, especially when I know that there's in all probability nothing substantially i.e. mortally wrong with me, and there's nothing to be done about whatever actually is wrong with me. I doubt the presence of an aneurysm or a hematoma, though I'll be on the lookout for manifestations of indicative symptoms.

My mom is actually doing an awesome thing for me and has offered to drive me to tonight's meeting even though it's 30 minutes away. I have some money saved that I forgot about, my parents took it after I emptied my first and second bank accounts at age 16- with that money I'll be able to afford a rental car come monday, and get a really cheap car a week or two from now. Thank god they did that for me. My dad gets back from Sweden tomorrow, he'll give me a ride on Saturday/Sunday night...

I don't have a sponsor. Last night was my first meeting. I want to get involved, I want to get a sponsor. I can't do this alone and I can already tell that NA is going to save my life, I want to start going to as many meetings as I possibly can. Thanks for the suggestions though!
 
S*** just realised I'd only taken 8 mg suboxone today n seemed to have some energy. I've done an hour n half of exercise, have another hour to do later but I've just taken the other 4 mg now.

What does "just totalled your car mean?" Sorry for my ignorance I'm from the UK n have never heard that expression before.

Evey x

means a bad crash has written off the car. hope you ok Ute.
 
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