Have to get this off my chest

I have been using large amounts ecstasy over the last 4 months, nearly every weekend, speed and at least 2 to pills a weekend. Ive been going to lots of rave parties , places like * , * etc. Since Dec 2002 I began to become fond of the club scene, I started getting into hard trance and found places that I really liked and having the absolute time of my life. The other morning I got up early for work and just sat there in the mirror and started to think. Pills & Speed have now become part of my life. I am at the stage where I cannot go out straight I'd have to take something to enjoy myself. Ive lied to friends about what Ive done, I frequently lie to my parrents , and even though I have my life well planned out, Im finding it impossible to go with out drugs for atleast 1 week. I don't know why Im saying this to a bunch of strangers. I read another persons report here on blue lite and they have inspired me to tell me story. I am sure im like thousands of over people out there, but for me its getting a bit out of hand. I used to do pills like once every 3 months. Now Its like I can't get enough, I leave one club and cant wait to go to the next to have another over the top time. Ive lost many of my close friends because of this life stlye I have chosen to live, not to mention I spend so much money on weekends on buying pills and going out. While no one has said anything to me yet, I don't want to go down hill anymore. Im only 20 and have many more years left in me. I dont want to turn out like a lot of other people out there who have devoted their whole life to drugs. Im not a junkie but a like to indulge. I had a break last week and I found it very difficult but have coped through it. Now Im undecided if I can do it again this week. While I only consume in small amounts I do it all the time, and Ive never had any problem with substance abuse in my life. Sorry I had to get it off my chest. I couldnt exactly say it to my folks.

[Edit: Venue details removed in accordance with Guidelines. BigTrancer]

I understand where you are coming from...this is happening to me right now...(I already mentioned that in a post). I think what happened with me is that I knew inside that I was doing pills too much but I was still having the time of my life and didn't care what others think (well i did, but the fun I had on drugs outweighed everyones judgements on me and I cared more for ectasy).

Then what eventually happened is in the last few weeks I stopped enjoying myself. This made me forgot about that great feeling and all I was left with was how much I abused e ... when I say 'abused' ... I don't think I was out of control in any way but I was always craving more after the weekend and wanting that high again. I would spend all week thinking about the next wkend. So it became my life. So I think it would have been a matter of time before I got out of control.

Dont get me wrong...I will do e again...I will do it at Easter....because it will be a great time with great friends around me. I know it is hard to do but you should probably go on a break. You will probably go 2 weeks without doing one time...then maybe you will have a break of 3 weeks before you touch it. But what might happen is what happened to me, and you will eventually lose the magic. Maybe this is what you need to do to realise you have to stop. Maybe you should have a break before this happens!

My problem was that I was afraid i wouldn't get that high again..so i took it each wkend to make sure that it was still in me if that makes sense?! You have to tell yourself that you will feel it again and it is not out of your life. (thats if that is the case with you...but you sound like you haven't lost the magic anyway)

If you do it once a month or something like that you will have a better time..the magic won't be lost, it will remain special and not something you do all the time where it becomes normal. You need to realise what normal life is like first and go out straight so that you can enjoy how special e actually is. You need to forget about the feeling to really enjoy it, otherwise your mind becomes accustomed to it and end up controlling it.

well i hope i have helped probably haven't ! it is hard to go a break...but it really gets easier. It becomes a novelty to go out straight and you will feel so much better for it. Get totally involved in your work/study ... do things that don't have anything to do with drugs. Then the next time you do pills it will be exciting again as well because a problem is when you do them every wkend they lose their excitement.

sorry for this long post!

lame jokes from a lamer

1) maybe its time to look for another substance?

2) or alternatively go so HARD on the "googs" you eventually end up hating em...

3) but really i guess you should have "just said no", son!

(i trust you'll ignore my stupidity and come to the right decision)

ive been there and come back from it to have a more prioritised life.. its a progression, like anything.. and everyone handles it differently and leads their life in that direction because of it. im not going to offer you any solutions, you will need to work those out for yourself. all i suggest you think about is that if mdma is altering your life so drastically that you dislike it, you should decide if you want or need to have it, are the things your losing outweighing the things your gaining? only you can work out the answer..

^^^^^
Exactly.

It sounds like you're on the way to fixing this situation, because you're not denying that a problem exists. You know logically that what you're doing isn't exactly good for you, but it's definitely tough to actually make drastic changes to your lifestyle.

By the sounds of it you'll pull through, and believe me, once you've stopped it only gets easier. The first week without will be tough, the second will be harder, and the third might be harder still. But by about a month into a break you'll start to realise that you don't really need this stuff anymore. You'll notice that you feel healthier, and will probably realise just how unhealthy you were feeling a month ago without even noticing!

Drugs can be great fun, and can do some wonderful things, but this is a good reminder of the other side of them. It's just a good thing that you've caught yourself in the earlyish stages of the problem. Stay positive, and if you need any more help then bluelight is the place to ask for it. There's plenty of people here that have gone through (and are currently going through) exactly what you are.

Thanks for sharing your story.

Firstly, I came very close to being like that buddy...

For a couple of months I slipped into the pill every 2 weeks thing and you know what? When I was gurning that frequently I never once got a peak as hard as my first few strong pills. Mainly because my seratonin levels weren't back up to normal and they say that you loose that real hard euphoric peak the more you have it. I've noticed that now I find it a bit harder to get happy about things and my mood is now always low key, slightly happy for no particular reason or depressed. Recently, my mood has been getting better without taking any pills.

My advice comes in a few different angles:

1) Try and start up a new past-time that you could end up really enjoying. Think about yourself and think about what would really suit you and put a grin on your face. Something like surfing (if you live near the beach), taking up guitar or djing, tai chi, capoeira (will get you VERY fit and give you some cool breakdancing moves), some sort of martial art to get yourself some fitness, focus and confidence...anything! FISHING! hehe.

I'm a fanatic surfer and I find that after I have a huge night out and have a couple of pills I don't crave a surf as much as I usually do but once I go out for the first surf after a night out I instantly think to myself "aaaah I don't need that shit to keep me happy, once in a while for an awesome night out will do it for me".

2) If you let clubbing and pills become a central focus in your life, it will end up taking over everything.

The reason this is bad is because abusing pills (a couple of pills every weekend) damages your seratonin axions, new studies have even shown that a single pill can damange them for your lifetime. This means that you will have significant mood, sleep and energy problems for the rest of your life. You may even find it mentally hard to be happy, no matter what happens in your life. Ecstacy of this kind of abuse hasn't been around for very long so we don't know what many of us will be like when we're 50-60-70 yrs old. Maybe dependant on chemicals to be happy and get a high? That would be sickening. Is a fake high really worth loosing your natural high later in life?

I actually find that if I go out once in a while to a huge rave or if I haven't been out for a while I go to a good club night or an international dj somewhere, I end up enjoying that night out more than if I was doing it all the time. I don't go for the "scene", I go for the music and the drugs enhance the music experience for me. I leave the night coming down but still going "fuck that was an awesome night, nothing can express how good that was". The next day I'm texting my friends going "man, that was the best night, we went off!" and then I wait for the next even which is usually 1 or 2 months away.

Imagine if the green's policy did come into action and you could get ecstacy over the counter only at a regulated amount? When you've had your months amount and you know the next months amount is available, fuck! It would be like christmas all over again! Thats what pills and raves/club nights are like for me now because I regulate them. For weeks before the night out, I text my ravin/clubbin buddies and get amped and we hassle each other heaps before the event comes.

Anyway, that was quite long but I hope my morning babble helped.

i was in the same situation, now my tolerance is pretty high, basically now i dont do it often anymore, as it doesnt work properly. I rarely touch it anymore, its been about 2 months now, cravings are gone, alcohol is back

Cpt.Caveman said:

Try and start up a new past-time that you could end up really enjoying.

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^ Very good advice. Taking up any kind of sports, either previous past time hobbies or a new interest, is a great way to break out of the cycle.

Cpt.Caveman said:

If you let clubbing and pills become a central focus in your life, it will end up taking over everything.

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^ This doesn't happen to everyone, but it does to many others. Its part of the cycle, where it becomes the only outlet for enjoyment - going to clubs, pubs and events (and generally including drugs each time). Some people don't consider this a problem and may wholeheartedly enjoy it, but if you are having these such doubts then it is time for a change. Try and meet some people outside of clubs or events, or go away for a couple of weeks to a relatives house - preferably away from the city.

Cpt.Caveman said:

new studies have even shown that a single pill can damange them for your lifetime. This means that you will have significant mood, sleep and energy problems for the rest of your life. You may even find it mentally hard to be happy, no matter what happens in your life.

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^ I don't agree that the damage is irreversible, although I do believe it is accumulative. The more you use MDMA without leaving time for recuporation, the worse the damage gets, such that it may take years for your brain to begin to function at its previous level. Your body's ability to repair damages will also significantly decrease by age.

I do agree that in some cases even moderated consistent use of MDMA does alter your general psychological wellbeing (in terms of moods, feelings, perceptions, concentration, and creativity), and you may well find it hard to feel happy or look at all positive. The answer to this too, is also part of breaking the cycle.

Good luck, don't think about it, just don't go out. "Act now, think later"

Thansk heaps

Thanks for the help people!!

Really appreciate it, Im going to enjoy another straight weekend,
just use the power of redbulls and some good imported beer.

Its good to know that there is someone there that can help ya.
Its a really hard topic, you can't exactly talk to friends who are stuck in the same situation, forget folks and if ur friends arent doing pills then they would not be able to empathise anyway.

Thanks heaps! If this were a more perfect world,
there would be no war no fights, just so many billion people equal and able to live in harmony. There would be no need for drugs. We would have that feeling every single day.

Just like all the people above i give you my support and understanding. Its a funny wierd progression from the early stages to the pinnacle of use to what i suppose we/i am now.

The good thing is you obviously seem intelligent enough to express and analyse your emotions/feelings. With this in mind i have no doubt that you will not go to the downhill slope that the stero-typical addict that non drug users imagine us to be.

The money i have spent on my recreational activities in the last 3 years is enough to buy a second hand bmw. But i wouldnt trade the expeirences, and i suppose the mindset i have about life for anything. in financial terms i could afford it, and the most importnat thing that i look back on, and still do is HARM MINIMISATION.

the only piece of advice that i can give is that, for myself, at the end of my.....pinnacle of use, i felt a bit distant from the rest of the world, includeing alot of people that i considered good friends. It took me 6 months to realise that my priotirties in life had CHANGED. and for the better. I now have higher goals, higher expecations and life live accordingly. I no longer have time to deal with people or incidents that i used to. This period for me, was the hardest to understand/comprehend and deal with.

A lot of you people think that your mind is controlling your actions (how often you take pills or drugs). Wrong. It is your emotions, and then AFTER your feelings have decided to take drugs, you then logicallly justify the action, eg. "I cannot miss my favorite DJ", "These are good/cheap bikkies, i might not get them again", " I might miss out on a wicked piarty", "My friends are going so must go ", ect.

Taking drugs has nothing to do with intellegence, or rational thought, ect. It is all about your emotions. People take drugs because it changes their emotions. Talk to any drug counsellor and they will tell you the same. When people abuse drugs, they are self medication for depression. Instead of going to a doctor and getting prozac (increases seratonin) , you take pills every weekend (increases seratonin).

I think this is really important to remember: There is a big difference between drug USE (A few pills a year), and drug ABUSE (pills every weekend). I guess we all fit somewhere in between.

And alot of people on here trumpet there 'success' in not taking pills every weekend, by drinking lots of alcohol. What a joke! It just means that you will be an alcoholic in 10 years, with a damaged liver and brain, and a red blotchy nose and cheeks. I guess it is easier than dealing with your emotional problems that led to drugs in the first place.

Humans are smart - they always take the easy way out.

It's the same with almost every person I've met. They start using pills. Cut stupid on them for a while. By that I mean they start using it every weekend, or more. However after a while, most will get bored of it and cut back. I've been there myself. When I started I was using 2-3 pills every Sat. night. However as time goes by you get bored of going out every weekend, and you start to cut back on your usage. In my case I cut back on my e usuage, and played around with LSD. I now use e, and LSD once every 1-2 months each. I've yet to have a bad comedown. It's just a matter of being able to regulate your substance usage, and having self-control.

That's the difference between those who uses drugs, as opposed to those who abuse them.

Think through what you about to do before you go out and do it. Have fun, stay safe.

P_P

I'm in a bit of a similar situation

Been using for about 2+ years - very infrequently though, once every 3 months - no more then 2 in a night. Lately have been doing it heaps though. Last week I dropped wed-thurs-fri-sat- only 1/2 - 1 a night...

Wednesday I actually dropped at home though... I came on here and read some of the stuff and just wanted to be there again...

I dont usually come down - I'm getting fairly good quality (buddha/mx)

Is it better to do 2 on 1 night or a half for 4 nights??

I'm no stranger to speed/weed/lsd/drink - is it better to chop and change to give some chemicals a rest?

I have what I would term a very addictive personality - I'm a very bad gambler, I used to drink very excessivly... I love the buzz and I love the fact I'm in control - something that I was not when drinking. Should I try and get out now - or do most people just get sick of it?

^^^^^
Multiple days in a row with pills, even just halves, isn't the best idea. You need to give your body time to replenish serotonin, which can take a couple of days to be fully back to normal. That said, two in a night isn't something I can really recommend either, although I believe quite a lot of people do it.

Basically, the more you take it, the sooner it'll stop working as well. And then you might end up taking more pills more often to chase the same high.

My advice - don't do it quite as often. Now's a good time to begin regulating your intake, because you're not really experiencing problems yet but can see them potentially on the horizon.

gooonnneee writes: "I love the buzz and I love the fact I'm in control - something that I was not when I was drinking."

any drug councellor would say : "the illusion of hard drugs."

most people on speed or coke or herion say the same thing.

you have a got some hard lessons comming up.

Good luck. You are going to need it.

The reason this is bad is because abusing pills (a couple of pills every weekend) damages your seratonin axions, new studies have even shown that a single pill can damange them for your

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LOL
This is nonesence, no (credible) research has ever concluded that a single ecstacy pill can damage your serotonic system for good.
What half-baked research are you referring to ?

As for you, Dr.Beat

Where would you draw the line between ecstacy use and abuse ?
Please don't use the word 'few' .. I'm looking for a number here.
Also, I've been reading through your posts here on Bluelight, and I have found myself classifying every single one of them as 'destructive'.

Please don't bring your own misery down on others.

eh?

Like many before you, you're on your 'honeymoon' period where you eat pills as often as possible, they consume your thoughts, you spend way too much time, money and energy on acquiring them and being chopped, and you are now realising that this is a stupid thing to do - moderation is the key.

Well firstly can i say this to several people who have responded in this thread - getting off munching pills to replace it with another drug is possibly even more stupid than dedicating your life to eating pills. Alcohol, red bulls, speed, marijuana, cigarettes, whatever isn't a sensible alternative to letting your brain and body have a rest.

If you feel like drugs/clubbing/the 'scene' and the people in it are getting to you, making you feel guilty/other issues/etc - what good is still going out but just taking a different drug (yes guess what - alcohol is another 'drug')? That doesn't solve anything and just continues to feed your addiction/problems/issues en masse.

This may be crazy talk to some of you - but how about you give being straight a try? if you can't contemplate activities other than partying and being shitfaced all week your priorities are extremely wacked. If you don't help yourself now, down the road in a couple of months is going to be a hell of a lot worse comedown.

It's good that you can analyse yourself and admit that you have a problem. BUT hang around at enough recoveries and you will have had this confided to you over 100 times - the only way to fix your problem rests on you.. if you can't help yourself - by either staying away from your dealer for a little while, stopping going out every night, taking up other hobbies - or *shock horror* declining that pill - then can you really be helped? No-one's going to give up the drugs for you, the balls in your court.

Add1 - how do you personally define use and abuse.. in a number? That's a ridiculous question to ask - who can answer it down to a figure? It all depends on context. 1/2 a pill a night for 4 straight nights, including time while sitting at home - abuse. 2 pills while out on your once a month or so sojourn - use. What differs is the repeated use on consecutive nights and the taking it at home element - not knowing when the party and your night should be over.

Dr Beat is on the money with some comments. Although the emotional problems leading to drug use isn't always correct, you can meet some of the most centred people who take drugs, they have no 'problems' to deal with, they just like their drugs.

Just my 2c, ultimately the choice is in your hands.

add1 said:

As for you, Dr.Beat

Where would you draw the line between ecstacy use and abuse ?
Please don't use the word 'few' .. I'm looking for a number here.
Also, I've been reading through your posts here on Bluelight, and I have found myself classifying every single one of them as 'destructive'.

Please don't bring your own misery down on others.

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I do not 'draw a line'. That is a simple minded way of thinking about it. It is grey scale. I have met so many different people taking different amount of drugs. Some people take 2 pills a year, and other people take 10 pills every weekend (extreme example) . It should be pretty obvious to most people that taking 2 pills a year is drug USE, and taking 10 pills each weekend is drug ABUSE. Neither are physically addicted. 1 is emotionally addicted and obviously finding it hard to enjoy life without drugs.

But numbers are pretty irrellevent. Each pill has a different strength and content, men and women have different tolerances, people have different tolerances, so it is different for everyone. It is just like alcohol. Some do not drink at all, some are social drinkers, some are binge drinkers, some drink a small amount every night, some drink alot every day - Drug addiction is not black and white.

And why do you classify 'every single post' of mine as destructive? I know I say some pretty harsh comments on drug addiction, but I have seen so many people hit rock bottom with drugs (alcohol, dope, herion, speed, or pills, ect) that I feel that if people be honest with themself and admit they have a 'bit of a drug problem' that is the first step to changing and starting to use drugs FUNCTIONALLY , and that would give drug 'users' a good image, instead of the bad image they currently have in the mainstream media.

And yeah, i have made mistakes taking drugs - anyone taking drugs (including alcohol) makes mistakes along the way - because at skool i learnt all this useless shit about maths and other rubbish which i never use, but i really wish they had of educated me in safe functional drug use and the social side of drugs (like peer pressure and co-dependance of drugs in relationships), and so on. We all have to learn the hard way, and that is why internet sites like this are great because hopefully new people in the drug scene won't make the same mistakes I have made.

Peace and out.

Add1 - how do you personally define use and abuse.. in a number?

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I define use, as going clubbing once a month and using an illegal substance (for example ecstacy)
And abuse if your doing a serotonic/dopamine drug more then two times a month.

Like you said, moderation is the key.

Trance Nation I hear ya. I was doing the same thing you where doing but on a much larger scale. I started doing pills when I was 16 and abused them for about 2 years. I did what you did. Looked in the mirror and saw what I had become. Worthless scum. But it's funny how things can change, I am now 22 and run a company, started it from scratch and now well one the way to living comfortably. I wanna start a family next, and can happily tell you the only drug I'll be abusing, is that of pure success. No one will get in my way. No shit little peak will get in my way. No buzz will get in my way. My head is so fucken rock hard now in my company that even the thought of doing drugs again just makes me sick. Yeah that peak when ya flyin with ya mates, chillin out, all that type of shit is great. But you must understand it's not real. You know this because you said it your self. "I can't go out unless I'm peakin" or some shit like that. But I can definatley tell ya that one day you will find a peak that will last your whole life. And it doesn't come at the expense of a shittly little pill. What I learned in the 3 years I have been in business is this.


I would rather live my 1st 50 years in hell, then my 2nd 50 years in heaven.

Then to live a whole 100 years on earth.


Once you find your natural drug in life, you will never go back. Let your determination be your friend, and those that get in your way be forgotten. In the end. It all comes down to you.

Cheers.