Not as much honesty in MDMA as I thought...

I miss the love that MDMA use to bring me. Its been nearly 7 years since I first tried ecstasy. I never abused, I have probably rolled around 48 times since I first started. (Thats 4x a year)

I use to remember rolling so hard during my earlier years. My whole body would feel like it was exploding with love and harmony. It felt like a supernova of energy radiating from within my spirit.

I would have told anyone the truth about anything. There were no barriers. There was only honesty, and empathy. I felt loved to say the least.

People I associate with have changed over the years...one thing is constant -
everyone loves raves, and everyone rolls. Most of us are responsible...but rolling aint what it use to be...much of that empathy and honesty has been replaced with what I feel to be artificial. Now a days, no one every really means what they say, and no one ever follows through with the things they say they'll do.

I took E a month ago with a girl I had been with for 6 months. It was at a real cool massive rave and the music and lights were incredible....plus me and this girl were rolling together for the first time...I felt those butterflies inside my chest...they were glowing. I hadn't felt this was in years! And we hadn't even taken our pills yet!

So we both take our pills and get a bit anxious while coming up...coudnt really decide which stage to dance at and ended up around the event a lot for the first 45 min or so.

Then it his me. I start coming up. She saw and looked me in the eyes and kissed me. I once again felt alive from MDMA...and something I knew wasn't artificial. I felt complete.

We dance for awhile...gazing at one another with complete confidence... Completely blissful and entranced by the crowd around us...

Not a care in the world. This is what heaven must feel like.

But only for a moment.

After a warm and long embrace, I told her I would be back in 5 min with water. I looked into her eyes one last time and quickly made my way to the water stand. These crowds at massives are thick...especially when your up front in the center of the DJ.

Finally I make my way out of the massive sea of people, and into clean cool fresh air. It feels incredible in my lungs. I take time to enjoy it.

But not too much time. After I had the water in hand I quickly raced back into the crowd. Pushing past drugged out kids and fake scene kids. The closer you get to the front of the crowd the better the vibes are in my opinion. Plus its fun to watch Armin Van Burren smiling.

I stand on my toes to search for her. This is impossible. There are 1000s of people and I cant even move. But suddenly intuition kicks in. I use common sense, retrace my steps.

I catch a glance. I see her. Wait is it really her?"

No. It cant be.

This girl is making out with another guy. That cant be her I told myself...

Suddenly I feel anti-matter in my chest...suddenly all the roll I was feeling was sucked away. Pulled inside of the void of my own heart. My roll was gone.

She was going at it with some other dude.

I ran out of the crowd. I wanted to leave...but I rode with her.

Ill spare you all the details...but I met up with her an hour later....after I collected myself and worked up the courage to go up to her.

And she looks at me...she smiles and looks at me with the same gaze as before. The gaze of innocence and love. And then a sad puppy dog face.

"Where were you? I looked everywhere !" she exclaimed

She looks at me like nothing ever happened.

"I must have got lost I said" unable to bring myself to confront her on the issue.

Angels are excellent liars

I was unable to talk to her about it for the rest of the night...all I wanted was to have a great night and I wasnt going to let this incident change that. Ill deal with it later.



So..

What happened to the empathy of E these days?

Why could I not be comfortable enough to confront her on E?

How is someone able to lie on E?

Can E bring out the dark side of some people just as it brings out the side of light for most of us?

Dont know what Im more fed up with at this point-The fact that E hasn't been as real as I thought, or the fact that I've wasted all this time with it..

Perhaps the cycle of the drug is similar to the stages of a roll.

-Swallow(Introduction)
-Come up (First time)
-Peak (honeymoon period)
-Plateau (slow down period)
-Comedown (end of the magic)

fuck dude, im sorry, im right there with you on how people SHOULD be, but things like that never work out. Maybe you need some new friends or something, look for a girl who is actually trustworthy and loyal. But whatever, i dunno what to tell you. It sounds like you are definitely a believer, so keep up the magic but don't abuse. Just let this be another bump on the road of life. Well i hope shit picks up.

Stay cool, Smoke Fat.

Peace
BMT

PS
you haven't rolled that much so i say there is still magic to be had, just enjoy it and make sure you do it at the right times and space 'em

Not able to answer your questions, but I was seriously filled with suspense and empathy reading your story. You've got a gift for writing my friend...

yes great writing but dude seriously half way when u wrote bout the kissing i literaly was like whooooooooooooa thats really fuckt up dude SWIM had that almost same problem but with much worse consequences then just a kiss and to be honest dude id say screw her n dump her it MIGHT be hard for sum but everything happens for a reason learn from it she seems like drama and scandle anyways

Don't expect too much from people. In fact, you shouldn't expect anything at all. When things click, it's like magic. But people are not always faithful and that's got nothing to do with E.

Good luck to you!

I've been a lurker for quite some time here but finally decided to register after reading this thread. I feel you man. There is still some honesty left in this world - ups and downs, you know how it is. Just play your highs higher. Best of luck to you; you seem like a good guy.

About your question of E bringing out the darkness in someone-

I'm happily committed to a guy and E does make me feel like it's okay to make out with anyone. But to me, even making out has this sense of innocence when I'm high. Like it's not sexual at all and therefor not wrong. Not defending her or anything, but I've heard many couples say "We're very exclusive, unless we're rolling. Then anything above the clothes is okay." It isn't about sex, it's about love.

Still, what she did was fucked up. Sorry about that. Maybe it's time to run with a new crowd if they love in the old one is all dried up?

Don't blame the drug for the actions of your girl. While she may have been influenced by the mdma, she was ultimately to blame. It's not your fault, it's not molly's fault, it's the girl. One reason why you didn't tell her the truth to begin with, was most likely because you still felt an attachment to her, and you were confused. You need to realize that while you may seem like you're not in control when you're rolling, you are in a lot more control than you may realize.

Dont lose faith in MDMA, it's people who have lost credibility. I know exactly where you are coming from and feel for you my friend, trust me though, you will find the right girl, shes out there somewhere, and if you two choose to roll together, it will be an incredible bonding experience that you wont forget.

TearItDown said:

Don't blame the drug for the actions of your girl. While she may have been influenced by the mdma, she was ultimately to blame. It's not your fault, it's not molly's fault, it's the girl. One reason why you didn't tell her the truth to begin with, was most likely because you still felt an attachment to her, and you were confused. You need to realize that while you may seem like you're not in control when you're rolling, you are in a lot more control than you may realize.

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I agree with zero-tolerance in nearly all but perhaps this circumstance. I've been out of my mind on molly before and even tried to eat a lit cigarette once. Of course she's responsible for her actions, but the intense empathy combined with quite a lot of push may have 'contributed' towards an act that she would otherwise never considered.

I suppose I'm just saying it's worth a conversation with her, then decide....

this just taught me so much. seriously.

Quite a riveting post. It's never the drug, imo. People who blame alcohol/drugs/etc for not being faithful are full of shit. People need to realize that they're responsible for their own actions. Can't handle yourself that high? Don't get that high. Don't realize what you're doing when you're black-out drunk? Don't get black-out drunk. duh. lrn2prioritize.

Obviously, to her, making out with a random dude at that moment because she thought it would feel good/ be okay was more important than whatever you guys had together. It sucks, but better 6mo than a year+ at some other party, right?

Again, that sucks, but don't lose faith in MDMA. There are still some faithful people out there, hopefully you find one soon to share blissful drugged-out (and sober) adventures with.

edit: for what it's worth, my gf and i have a zero tolerance for unfaithfulness. we bicker once in a while, and grate on each other's nerves, like everyone else, but the whole point of dating is to be with one person. i've watched from ~15-20ft distance (out of her sight, getting water, going to bathroom, etc) at raves when guys try to make moves on her, and she pretty much says "fuck off", even when she's peaking. it can't be that hard, right? :/

lots of ecstacy is shitty these days or not even mdXX at all, that could attribute to the lack of empathy and love your talking about, i also miss that feeling i was priveleged to start off with good pills, but now can never find anything satisfying.

You handled this very differently from how I would've handled it.

Here's what I would've done:

"Um, I was wondering something. I noticed that you were kissing that other guy [point him out in the crowd] ... do you know him? Is he an ex or something? I'm curious."

When I'm rolling, I can look into myself, see my emotions (like pain and anger) and let them lay where they are ... put them in the fridge for later, so to speak. So in a situation like this, I'd just put the pain and anger on hold, and approach the matter as if it were simply something to be curious about, so that I'd be able to get as much real information about the situation as possible before actually confronting how I feel about it.

At least once, I've been in a position in which a girl did something that REALLY turned me off and made me upset ... and then, after taking another look at the situation and processing it a little bit, found that there was really very little to be upset about after all, and that the only person who was really causing me any trouble was myself, for being stubborn enough to hold on to the anger I felt and let it rule me.

Personally, with regards to the OP, I think this is absolutely a situation in which you confront the girl in a way that doesn't push her away. Letting it stay secret doesn't help anyone. Like, literally just makes it worse, there's no benefit to it at all.

gah that would be terrible man i've only rolled once and not even at a rave but that would just destroy you man

Thank you all for your responses...It makes me feel better knowing Im not out of place.

She was bad for me. Seems like every girl I meet who is involved in raver culture ends up either being a burnout or out of control wild.

Its time for me to find a girl who has nothing at all to do with any of that...I can only hope she has an open mind and will one day be willing to share some intimate psychedelic experiences...

Maybe not out of place but...

Its been nearly 7 years since I first tried ecstasy. I never abused, I have probably rolled around 48 times since I first started. (Thats 4x a year)

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??? jks I'm guessing *28 typo?

Sorry dude, but I don't think MDMA is part of the problem here. By the sounds of it, she's just one of the many selfless bitches out there.

You gotta treat 'em mean, to keep 'em keen.

GAIA said:

Thank you all for your responses...It makes me feel better knowing Im not out of place.

She was bad for me. Seems like every girl I meet who is involved in raver culture ends up either being a burnout or out of control wild.

Its time for me to find a girl who has nothing at all to do with any of that...I can only hope she has an open mind and will one day be willing to share some intimate psychedelic experiences...

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That's exactly it. It's always better to meet people outside of the partying world and introduce them than someone who is already ingrained with this "i don't give a shit" party attitude.

Also, a tip for next time- set ground rules before going into it. Let her know that it's not okay to be making out with other guys. Don't be pushy or demanding, but just let her know that it hurts you. You seem like a nice guy with a good heart, so it shouldn't be much to ask and I'm sure you can say it in a way that will make any girl find it more endearing than restrictive.

making out with random people while rolling is perfectly normal to me. YMMV.