Shyness - disease or just all in the head?

I am not sure if this is relevant to this section of this forum but here goes.

I am a 25 year old male from Sydney, Aus. Now my problem is that I have been painfully shy for as long as i can remember. That is, i avoid certain social and intimate situations as to avoid embarrassment. Just talking to strangers make my heart race. And i don't see any chance of me growing out of it as i've have been with this problem as long as i can remember.

Now your probably thinking how relates to this board. Well, i have been a regular user of xtc for the past 3 and 1/2 years. The reason i have been using for this long is not cos i like the euphoric state it puts me in, but also the social interaction that occurs with it , which i cannot do when in my normal state.

I know this sort of use won't help my state of mind or cure this disease i have. I was just wondering if there was any help out there for me both psychologically and medically. Is this just in my head or is there some sort of chemical imbalance inside it.

I know i should goto a doctor about this but i really don't want to be labelled as a mental case. I have suffered with this in silence all my life. All i want is help. Am i the only one with this problem or are there others??

HELP ME please!

Sounds like you need to talk to your doc about this; it could be related to anxiety and maybe he/she could prescribe you appropriate medication rather than you self-prescribing ecstasy. You really need a professional assessment. Explain to your doctor how social interaction makes you feel mentally and the physical symptons that fo with it. Its all relevant.

Good luck!

Yes you are right, i think it is anxiety.

But the thing is everyone has anxiety, just that i get high anxiety from something as simple as communicating with strangers or am confronted with unfamiliar situation/surroundings. It can be quite crippling to the point that I avoid these situations and leave it for next time. It never eventually happens and the cycle continues.

Why is it that i can be the most outgoing person in front of a computer screen, but in real life i'm such a loser. Thinking about all this just makes me really depressed.

I do think the big step is actually trying to communicate that I need help. But i have trouble opening up to my closest friends, how the hell you reckon i would open up to a total stranger. Sometimes i feel its all a bit toom much.

hi shy guy (sounds counter productive to call you that but i got nothing else to go by so oh well )

it sounds like your situation was more serious than mine ever was, but i admit i am no stranger to feeling a bit anxious and nervous during younger years in social situations, and i think i know something that could help you.

the problem? - ill start by saying that i think your shyness problem could well be in part related to who you are with a lot of the time. eg. if you are friends with outgoing people you may find yourself keeping quiet and not talking as much - taking more of a backseat position because you figure (subconsciously) that if they talk so much they must have something important (moreso than you) to say. now, this can become a bad habit and transfer over to the rest of your life. your ecstasy use can be a bad habit as well in terms of you thinking 'i can only be sociable when im on ecstasy'.

the solution? - go out and talk to people on your own. go get a new job and meet the other employees, go shopping and talk to the assistants, go to a course or something that interests you and just talk to people. something that you may not realise is that 99% of the time, strangers/people WANT to be friendly to other people. if you come and talk to a shop assistant with a smile on your face, be polite and friendly, he/she will almost always respond positively, which in turn gives you good feedback and starts up a good habit.

imagine a single instance when you would normally nervous about say talking to a stranger. keep in mind this is ONE SOLITARY SITUATION, ignore all past experience and just think of it as if you are doing it for the first time. chances are youll never see them again anyway. just be completely friendly, and if they dont return your gesture then there are 2 options: 1) they are busy or stressed and their reaction was not your fault 2) they are an angry person, and you dont want to know them anyway. youve got nothing to lose.

this has gone on a bit but basically: get as much experience as you can just being friendly and pleasant to strangers (hanging with your current friends all the time will just remind you of old habits ) and before you know it you will be doing it and not even thinking about it.

pm me if you want to talk about anything ive said by the way

good luck, youre already on the right track

What you describe sounds very much like Social Phobia aka Social Anxiety Disorder. This is way more than just shyness. I have had SAD for as long as I can remember too - it usually starts in childhood. I can fully sympathise with your situation - I too also found MDMA and other drugs made socialising a great deal easier. However, the anxiety I would get immediately before using drugs (say to go to a party) was usually huge. I also struggled to use the phone, to deal with anyone unfamiliar like shop assistants, I freaked out if I had to talk in front of a group, or meet new people. Eventually I couldn't go to any sort of party without drugs or alcohol.

I strongly encourage you to get some help. There are medications that ease the symptoms, but in the long run it's psychotherapy that has the best results, in particular cognitive behavioural therapy. Without help you may find yourself getting more disabled and withdrawn due to anxiety (stuff like job interviews can become impossible). If you try to deal with a particularly stressful situation like a new job, and struggle, the symptoms can become far worse (this is what happened to me) and can lead to other problems like comorbid depression and escalating substance use. At the very least you will feel more and more cut off from others as time goes one.

SAD is thought to be quite common, but is only fairly newly recognised by the medical community. Many people with SAD live with it, because they are too shy to speak up. Most people with SAD love the internet because it is much less threatening than face to face!

Take a look at Social Phobia.org
Social Anxiety Disorder
Social Anxiety Support
If that sounds like you, Anyhow, go talk to your GP and just tell them you think you have it. If it would help, write the symtpms you have down first, to make it easier. They can refer you to a psychologist and prescribe medication - beta blockers are good at stopping the physical symptoms of anxiety. If you search this forum you should find some old threads in the topic.

BTW, no one is going to label you a mental case - and besides, so what if they did? Is it worth living in fear and isolation rather than accept you have a psychological problem and getting help? (Trust me, it isn't! ) Good luck!

OMG.....its like you hit the nail on the head. Everything that you have went through i have experienced. You don't know how relieve to know that i'm not the only person on earth to be sufferring wat i am suffering. Maybe this is the first step to do something about this.

Is there any chance i could PM you superbabydoc? I have no one to talk to about this. None of my friends even know i suffer this.

wow, superbabydoc, nice post.

I've pretty much known I've had [what you said], but you're post makes me sure. I certainly got more withdrawn as things wen't on. I've experience many of the exact same things both you and shy guy have experienced, and it's hard, as there is NO ONE to tell or talk to.

Good luck with it shyguy25...it's hard.

I thought SAD = Seasonal Affective Disorder.. i.e. a type of slight bipolarism, with more depressive phases in the winter, and less in the summer.

Ive heard of GAD which is General Anxiety Disorder.

Shyness isn't something that has to stay with you. I was always an incredibly shy person but now it has become much easier to talk with people. Even when you no longer experience severe shyness you can continue to see yourself as a shy person.

Maybe you've become dependant on the high to be social so it seems so much harder when you're not high. It is possible to try incorporating the way you feel while high into your sober state. If you don't do this then continuing to use will most likely make it harder to socialize any other way.

You're not crazy at all hehe. If you've found a way to enjoy socializing and make it easier then of course you'll want to continue doing it that way. This isn't wrong or right

Good luck. In my opinion we shouldn't really worry about chemical imbalances and such. If you don't believe in mind over matter then do go see a doctor if that is what you think is best.

You're the only one who can really know what is best for yourself.

I found a GREAT article on S.A.D. Man I didn't know wtf was wrong with me for many years till I looked it up on the internet and realized I wasn't the only person on earth who couldn't use the phone.

As for getting professional help? I've never been able to do it. I think if you don't take care of it right away, it gets too far to ever be able to function normally. I ALWAYS loose the battle when trying to do something socially.

Anyway heres a great read on how they treat SAD with CBT:


http://www.cognitivetherapy.com/socPhobPrint.html

here's a good bbs to check out:

http://shyunited.proboards15.com

silverfucked: sure the initials also stand for Seasonal Affective Disorder. They also stand for Schizoaffective Disorder. I think I made it clear I was not talking about either of these though!

Chummp: you shouldn't feel that you are beyond help! I have come a long way from my worst point to now, but I would still be there if I hadn't had help from a psychologist, plus medication (atenolol). I think most people I know would be shocked to know I have SAD - I can manage a stressful job pretty well.

Shy_Guy_25: of course you can PM me.:D

I am shy too. I do have social anxiety but not real bad. I usually can't think of anything worth saying thats all.

I have done a lot of drugs but I don't blame them (I used to). Its a vicious cycle. When you quit talking to people your social skills degrade even more. You have to desensitize yourself by stepping up and talking. Gradually it will get better. If you ignore it, it will get worse.

Originally posted by superbabydoc

Chummp: you shouldn't feel that you are beyond help! I have come a long way from my worst point to now, but I would still be there if I hadn't had help from a psychologist, plus medication (atenolol). I think most people I know would be shocked to know I have SAD - I can manage a stressful job pretty well.

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Hmm sorry, I should have reworded to say self help. For me, I was like that since I could ever remember, I had to be forced to goto birthday parties when I was jus a wee lad. I never did deal with it properly because I didnt know what was wrong with me, and now I definitely believe its impossible to improve without professional help.

The problem comes when trying to get professional help, you have to overcome a retarded amount of anxiety to do that. I have yet to do it.

Also www.socialfear.com - is a good website. Although they don't mention 2 good "sociable"/anti-anxiety medications : Amisulpride (Solian) and Adderall/Dexedrine.

I really don't know where to turn for help. I really do get depressed the more i think about this. Sometimes i do feel like why am even on this planet. Wasted space i reckon.

I wanna be a part of society, contribute to it, go to work like everyone else and just lead a normal life without the fear of every little thing that is a part of life! Gosh, right now it seems i'm beyond help. Wish i had someone to chat with who knows what i'm goin through.

Originally posted by Shy_Guy_25
I really do get depressed the more i think about this. Gosh, right now it seems i'm beyond help. Wish i had someone to chat with who knows what i'm goin through.

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Take a look at the article I posted, basically what you can start to doing is changing the way you think about it. Try not thinking about your situation. To a normal person, whether they pick up the phone or go to a movie or whatever they don't even think about it before hand.

I, on the other hand (and I think I speak for all of us S.A.D people) will over analyze everything, even the way I walk. I will come up with the WORST possible case scenario and convince myself that it will actually happen. basically CBT is supposed to teach you to stop that thought pattern.

I don't think its possible to do alone though, you gotta make that step to see the doc and line up that therapy. Im finally going to see the doctor about it (and my insomnia) one of these weeks and im hoping for an ocasional benzo to help get me out in the world a bit.

Feel free to throw me a pm. You definitely ain't alone with this one.

The official definition of shyness: "Shyness is an affective behavioral syndrome characterized by social anxiety and interpersonal inhibition that results from the prospect or presence of interpersonal evaluation." In laymen's terms this means you feel anxious and inhibited when around other people for fear of them evaluating you either positively or negatively.

It is my belief that syndromes like shyness can usually be unlearned to a point with patience, work, and lots of support.

I've been shy since forever too and I guess I've learned to live with the anxiety and count my losses. It's something you needn't let stop you from really, really doing what you want to do. If it's that important, anxiety shouldn't stop you and it get's better as you try, but there are so many worse cases than either you or I -- we're lucky to be able to talk about it because so many can't. I know, I know this doesn't make it any easier. But believe me when I tell you that Shyness doesn't mean that you are messed up and if anyone tries to tell you that, they are just flat lying out of their ass. In a Stanford Shyness assesment 80% of people reported feeling shy at some point or another. I believe that not everyone is meant to start off as extroverted.

There is a lot you can learn from being shy. Yeesh, this is the trouble of my life. I try to look on the positive side about what it means to be shy though. I've taken to observing others around me, letting other people do their thing instead of constantly fighting to get my voice heard and sometimes it pays off especially when you do have something to say and people are like "WTF? She really does have something good to say." It helps others to understand what they overlook and take for granted. A big price to pay to enlighten people though, ha! People have flat out asked me, "Why don't you talk? Say something damnit!" This obviously shows these people are arrogant fucktards who are probably insecure with your silence. I admit I've used that to up the mystery of my personality too because people can be afraid of what they don't know, but if they just took the time to get to know you and understand you they'd be like, "whoah that person kicks ass!" Being shy is fucking hard, it's a sacrifice that most people who are shy even just for a time have with them all their lives, but you've got to figure out how it pays off for you and change the parts in your life that it most negatively effects you in. You can do it.

I work in food service where I stand behind a counter all day and confront people about what they want to eat. I work in fast food so I'm observing all kinds of sociological and societal stereotypes against my low- wage position--it challenges me to stand up for myself and who I am because I know I am not who they think I am. I suggest if you want to slowly get unshy you deposit yourself into a job or career where you'll be challenging yourself like this. It might help. Some of the best actors were shy children. Some of the most quiet people are now Psychologists who talk to other people for a living.

Sometimes you can surprise yourself though, don't put it past yourself to get out there and try something you never thought you'd do. I once snuck into a bar and read my own poetry to a bunch of people older than me who have probably better poetry and college degrees etc. and they loved me, well what they heard anyways (aside from being shy I also have a soft voice).

Actually, I took a class on shyness which was very interesting and also helpful to me. It definitely helped me to understand some more sources on shyness. We read this book called Shyness: What It Is, What To Do About It by Philip G. Zimbardo It's rather cheesy, but it's worth a read. My professor asked us all sorts of questions like, "What does shyness mean to you? What situations are you most shy in? What thoughts come to mind when you're feeling shy?" And heaps more, plus technical terms, biological information, etc..

Anyways, hang in there, you've got a voice and you aren't alone--there is a whole planet out there who shares so much of what you experience on a daily basis, shyness or no shyness. PM me if you want to swap stories or anything else that's on ya mind, bro.

Peace. *hugs*

if your having trouble with things to say
what i did was think of a list of common questions i would ask someone beforehand and when i would meet some new people i would pick a few of the questions to ask.
for example
whats your name?
what nationality are u?
how old are u?
where abouts do u live? (u might know some1 who lives near that area or something exciting bout it)
are u studying or working? (u might know someone who went or goes to the same school or working)
do u enjoy music if so what style do you enjoy? (might have same music tastes and talk about artists u have seen or are going to see or new tunes they have released)
where do u like to go to on your weekends? (might like going to the same places this can lead to talking about other places simillar u like going to)
what do u like to do in your spare time? (might have the same hobbies etc..)

and once i got the ball rolling it was easy to flow in the convo cause most of the time i would have something in common with the person to talk about.

hope that helps cause it sure did for me

that is interesting.. i suffered from a bad case of shyness for the beginning part of my childhood years. now it has become not bad at all, i tell myself that i look absolutely fine whereas before i always thought people were laughing at me. i still do get anxiety when i'm around a new person who is intimidating..
you might want to consider seeing a psychiatrist. although my opinion is that shyness is partly all in the head, certain medications can help you out. my friend who was extremely shy went to the psychiatrist and was prescribed zoloft.. it helped her not be depressed anymore and she is much more open than she used to be.

great post there babyd. It fits the bill, so due to it, I believe I'm off to scout for info
a big kudos to you