Vastness
Bluelight Crew
Alright y'all. After another (fairly short, yeah yeah) 2 week sobriety break it's the morning of my third day with very little sleep, and slightly too much speed. Plus benzos with the intention TO sleep and then, failure - hence, do more speed.
Gonna sleep tonight though for sure, or even later today. Just had some imminent shit to sort and one thing lead to another. ANYWAY...
Acquired some Zolpidem again knowing I had a hard stimulant session on the horizon, thinking it seemingly a more selective, less blunt instrument for countering unpleasant stim aftermaths. But oh my god. What an experience. I was completely unable to sort out or focus on anything for some time, and I am aware that sentence in a vacuum sounds kind of dumb and not especially interesting or profound, I was about to post this in the "How high are you but changed my mind at the last minute because this was truly a psychedelic experience of a character I've never experienced before. I remember wanting to share it right then and there but just COULD NOT get to the right screen, or even remember how to type. My flat was full of rooms I didn't know existed and the furniture had been rearranged, in fact completely replaced. People wandered to and fro endlessly, somehow I spoke to them at points although I don't know what I said - maybe this was in a momentary dip deeper into the dream - but it felt like we were part of a team in some kind of otherworldly mansion for which my flat and my mind conveniently enough happened to be the locus.
I've been using zolpidem differently to how I used to, I used to use it strictly as a sleep aid or comedown killer and would take 2 or 3 before be (20-30mg). This time - firstly I had another, cheaper looking brand so I was kind of skeptical as to the quality, so although I did try it in the usual was maybe a few weeks back I wasn't overly impressed. This time I decided I'll take like 20mg increments until I'm sufficiently sleepy. But this time sleep doesn't come., instead came the urge to do a little more speed. And so this went for maybe a few hours more until I'd done maybe 150-200mg more of (probably quite cut, yellowish) amphetamine and honestly 80 to 100mg of ambien.
This time I was feeling drowsy and thinking about going to bed. Speed was wearing off, but I felt OK. It was at this point however that the, presumably, previously suppressed acute psychedelia of the ambien started to seep through. One of the walls in my bedroom transformed into a sheet of glass, and behind it was like a mirror room with other people sitting around. I tried to communicate with them with hand gestures, tapping on the glass, and they seemed to respond and were laughing and friendly! I thought, this is crazy, and turned on the big main light - this banished them. But still, everywhere there was movement. Furred shapes flittered at my peripheral vision while anatomically accurate human beings in, I'd had to say, kind of retro dress, stood around, chatted (about what - I don't know) or just moved things around for no apparent reason. Everything was moving, including the floor and solid surfaces, which rippled and flexed up and down.
Yesterday was, I think, the most psychedelic, hallucinogenic experience I've had from a typically non-psychedelic compound. At points it was maybe reminiscent of the GABA-psychedelia of pregabalin, although definitely fuzzier, more overwhelming, and much stranger. maybe somewhat reminiscent of the GABA-psychedlia that pregabalin induces, but still very different. Everywhere I walked around my flat there were illusory but fully formed people who would dissolve or shuffle away or turn into an armchair when I reached out to try to touch them. The character of these hallucinations was what I imagine - to an extent - that a deliriant character hallucination would be like. Just like seeing bright sunlight streaming into the kitchen even though it was the middle of the night with blinds drawn. Except of course, that I actually, mercifully, retained the insight that this stuff wasn't real. All these characters dissolved upon inspection, at one point there was a woman who seemed so obsessed with cleaning something in the corner I lightly yelled at her a few times ("Hey, that's cool you can stop that now, don't worry about it, I'll do it, etc") - totally absurd I know but I wanted to see what would happen. Finally when I went to get up she dissolved into my exercise bench which was upright leaning against the wall.
To be honest I really wanted one of these characters to speak back coherently, like the recognisably human-form, English speaking, literal conveyer of truth I'm sure many of us would love to meet in a deep trip one day, much as I love spiritual vagueness too, as much as the next person.
At points it reminded me of dissociatives - specifically the more stimulating ones where I sometimes also get the vague sensation I'm involved in some strange mission and people are running around just out of sight sorting shit out, even if inevitably I'm probably just pacing and making a mess which I think is what happened here - I did make a mess. I also probably wasn't truly capable of doing anything really, my coordination was surely shot to shit. My password/lock code memory regions could not work with the motor cortex accurately enough... but I was lucid in a way I've never been before on such a substance which I guess is what makes it so memorable. I guess that's somewhat attributable to the speed. That reminds me - at points it was also reminiscent of a lot of high dose MDxx trips when I was younger, specifically the visual aspect - the kind of sudden-onset, full field hallucination where the room and environment around you can suddenly just switch and you're looking at something else, somewhere else, trying to discern what it is, where you are, what just happened, or just accepting it I guess, depending on your temperament.
More common in the aftermath of heavy MDxx sessions IME (just for the record when I say MDXX I basically mean MDMA and MDA, although maybe the weaker ones could do something similar, I haven't really put any effort into trying them, at least willingly.
It made me think at one point (well, several, but this stood out) about the nature of mind, specifically, the decay or derangement of the mind where reality becomes more fluid, confusing and... well, yeah, just confusing and then just ungraspable. I'd go into a room holding a pen or something and have no idea what I was doing or why I was there, return to the same place and start some other nonsense task... I think at one point I was actually ushered into bed by a few of my unwitting companions who may well be imaginary but for some reason - I felt a hesitancy when about to use that word. But that stuff I just mentioned is obviously synonymous with dementia like diseases. My elderly grandmother who is almost 100 has almost no short term memory and is progressively losing long term, seemingly working back towards her childhood, and will constantly ask people where she is when she's in her own place, talk about needing to go "home", to go back to work at a factory, will phone up and ask everyone she can about relatives who died years ago, reliving that grief again and simultaneously getting irate that everyone is pretending she knew about whatever when definitely, she never did!
Actually it's hard to pinpoint exactly why that connection came up, I guess coz it's been on my mind and my experience was a bizarre and fortuitously just balance point between the suppression of higher cognition while preserving awareness... This isn't something I intend to repeat, it was interesting and fun as a one off but not entirely recreational and basically an accident, but, damn,,,, that was some mad shit.
All the best everyone! Now just need to quit doing speed so often before I get dementia myself.
Tagged by Xorkoth
substancecode_zolpidem
substancecode_gabaergics
substancecode_amphetamine
substancecode_amphetamines
substancecode_stimulants
_combo_
explevel_experienced
exptype_positive
exptype_spiritual
roacode_oral
Gonna sleep tonight though for sure, or even later today. Just had some imminent shit to sort and one thing lead to another. ANYWAY...
Acquired some Zolpidem again knowing I had a hard stimulant session on the horizon, thinking it seemingly a more selective, less blunt instrument for countering unpleasant stim aftermaths. But oh my god. What an experience. I was completely unable to sort out or focus on anything for some time, and I am aware that sentence in a vacuum sounds kind of dumb and not especially interesting or profound, I was about to post this in the "How high are you but changed my mind at the last minute because this was truly a psychedelic experience of a character I've never experienced before. I remember wanting to share it right then and there but just COULD NOT get to the right screen, or even remember how to type. My flat was full of rooms I didn't know existed and the furniture had been rearranged, in fact completely replaced. People wandered to and fro endlessly, somehow I spoke to them at points although I don't know what I said - maybe this was in a momentary dip deeper into the dream - but it felt like we were part of a team in some kind of otherworldly mansion for which my flat and my mind conveniently enough happened to be the locus.
I've been using zolpidem differently to how I used to, I used to use it strictly as a sleep aid or comedown killer and would take 2 or 3 before be (20-30mg). This time - firstly I had another, cheaper looking brand so I was kind of skeptical as to the quality, so although I did try it in the usual was maybe a few weeks back I wasn't overly impressed. This time I decided I'll take like 20mg increments until I'm sufficiently sleepy. But this time sleep doesn't come., instead came the urge to do a little more speed. And so this went for maybe a few hours more until I'd done maybe 150-200mg more of (probably quite cut, yellowish) amphetamine and honestly 80 to 100mg of ambien.
This time I was feeling drowsy and thinking about going to bed. Speed was wearing off, but I felt OK. It was at this point however that the, presumably, previously suppressed acute psychedelia of the ambien started to seep through. One of the walls in my bedroom transformed into a sheet of glass, and behind it was like a mirror room with other people sitting around. I tried to communicate with them with hand gestures, tapping on the glass, and they seemed to respond and were laughing and friendly! I thought, this is crazy, and turned on the big main light - this banished them. But still, everywhere there was movement. Furred shapes flittered at my peripheral vision while anatomically accurate human beings in, I'd had to say, kind of retro dress, stood around, chatted (about what - I don't know) or just moved things around for no apparent reason. Everything was moving, including the floor and solid surfaces, which rippled and flexed up and down.
Yesterday was, I think, the most psychedelic, hallucinogenic experience I've had from a typically non-psychedelic compound. At points it was maybe reminiscent of the GABA-psychedelia of pregabalin, although definitely fuzzier, more overwhelming, and much stranger. maybe somewhat reminiscent of the GABA-psychedlia that pregabalin induces, but still very different. Everywhere I walked around my flat there were illusory but fully formed people who would dissolve or shuffle away or turn into an armchair when I reached out to try to touch them. The character of these hallucinations was what I imagine - to an extent - that a deliriant character hallucination would be like. Just like seeing bright sunlight streaming into the kitchen even though it was the middle of the night with blinds drawn. Except of course, that I actually, mercifully, retained the insight that this stuff wasn't real. All these characters dissolved upon inspection, at one point there was a woman who seemed so obsessed with cleaning something in the corner I lightly yelled at her a few times ("Hey, that's cool you can stop that now, don't worry about it, I'll do it, etc") - totally absurd I know but I wanted to see what would happen. Finally when I went to get up she dissolved into my exercise bench which was upright leaning against the wall.
To be honest I really wanted one of these characters to speak back coherently, like the recognisably human-form, English speaking, literal conveyer of truth I'm sure many of us would love to meet in a deep trip one day, much as I love spiritual vagueness too, as much as the next person.
At points it reminded me of dissociatives - specifically the more stimulating ones where I sometimes also get the vague sensation I'm involved in some strange mission and people are running around just out of sight sorting shit out, even if inevitably I'm probably just pacing and making a mess which I think is what happened here - I did make a mess. I also probably wasn't truly capable of doing anything really, my coordination was surely shot to shit. My password/lock code memory regions could not work with the motor cortex accurately enough... but I was lucid in a way I've never been before on such a substance which I guess is what makes it so memorable. I guess that's somewhat attributable to the speed. That reminds me - at points it was also reminiscent of a lot of high dose MDxx trips when I was younger, specifically the visual aspect - the kind of sudden-onset, full field hallucination where the room and environment around you can suddenly just switch and you're looking at something else, somewhere else, trying to discern what it is, where you are, what just happened, or just accepting it I guess, depending on your temperament.
More common in the aftermath of heavy MDxx sessions IME (just for the record when I say MDXX I basically mean MDMA and MDA, although maybe the weaker ones could do something similar, I haven't really put any effort into trying them, at least willingly.It made me think at one point (well, several, but this stood out) about the nature of mind, specifically, the decay or derangement of the mind where reality becomes more fluid, confusing and... well, yeah, just confusing and then just ungraspable. I'd go into a room holding a pen or something and have no idea what I was doing or why I was there, return to the same place and start some other nonsense task... I think at one point I was actually ushered into bed by a few of my unwitting companions who may well be imaginary but for some reason - I felt a hesitancy when about to use that word. But that stuff I just mentioned is obviously synonymous with dementia like diseases. My elderly grandmother who is almost 100 has almost no short term memory and is progressively losing long term, seemingly working back towards her childhood, and will constantly ask people where she is when she's in her own place, talk about needing to go "home", to go back to work at a factory, will phone up and ask everyone she can about relatives who died years ago, reliving that grief again and simultaneously getting irate that everyone is pretending she knew about whatever when definitely, she never did!
Actually it's hard to pinpoint exactly why that connection came up, I guess coz it's been on my mind and my experience was a bizarre and fortuitously just balance point between the suppression of higher cognition while preserving awareness... This isn't something I intend to repeat, it was interesting and fun as a one off but not entirely recreational and basically an accident, but, damn,,,, that was some mad shit.
All the best everyone! Now just need to quit doing speed so often before I get dementia myself.
Tagged by Xorkoth
substancecode_zolpidem
substancecode_gabaergics
substancecode_amphetamine
substancecode_amphetamines
substancecode_stimulants
_combo_
explevel_experienced
exptype_positive
exptype_spiritual
roacode_oral
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