You're A Live Wire, Baby *Please critique*

[Ciaranarchy]

Talk about broken brezhnev, or old torn yellow newspaper
And no, I don't talk. I just slice vegetables
slowly, into small green scattered cubes
Dear Head Chef, I just ran listless into the kitchen

Talk about salads of news if that's what you're into
or talk about shredded posters if you're not
I told you to update, or something
Just give me a little reminder that you don't stand still

Talk about purging priests from churches
gift of new words from your pen
Or a little insight into your tired flight
A small poem, or just one letter

Talk about artless haikus
Spark fires for fun and run away
from cresting waves of blue light
Buying a creative artistic gift certificate

Talk about twists of the mind
Or untimely feelings
Or how wisdom is contradictory
And quote Ghandi

 

[onetwothreefour]

okay, a real critique: first impressions - this is informed. that's something i struggle with in my poetry (it's hard to stay fresh if you're not taking references - either consciously or sub/c - from places all over), but this is good like that.

i really like this piece, i was gonna be all critical and harsh, but i actually like it too much. "a small poem, or just one letter" - lovely (i'm a sucker for double entendres).

the only thing that i can think that might help - and i'm totally stretching here (it might actually do the opposite) - is perhaps to enhance the perspective. obviously there *is* a strong point-of-view to this piece, but i think in relationships of high emotion people tend to see themselves in others (which can be awesome), but it can also be just as interesting to seperate yourself from the other for sake of clarity. but like i say, perhaps more clarity in that sense would ruin the intriguing emotional hold this poem has.

so yeah, great work (especially for a newbie - good to see you posting. i hope you write more ).