it's been a long time since i wrote anything about you. in fact, it's been a long time since i thought of you.
people will see this thread, and automatically think i am writing about the person i always write about... but its about you. today, i think of you.
people drift apart, i know this. it's a part of life that no one can control. we packed a lifetime worth of happiness and memories into nearly 3 short years, and left nothing for the rest of the time. these memories haunt me day after day.
he hurt me, as all men in my life have done over the years. my life was in shreds, and i had more drugs going through my body than you could find in a club on one night. hope... i had none. dignity... i had little. and then there was you... you came along.
a simple email... you changed my life. you became my light at the end of the tunnel. you poured happiness and hope into my fragile heart. you held me through some dark lonely nights, even from 300 miles away.
its funny, how the last person in the world that you can think of, becomes your soulmate, in that split second. funny how a stranger can touch your heart so deeply, that it makes everything in your life so profoundly wonderful, for as long as you have it.
i lost a boyfriend or two, and many friends, to my drug-induced life. i always wondered if i would lose you the same way. but then it think, if it weren't for the drugs, if it weren't for bluelight, i wouldn't even have met you. someone else, somewhere in my life, would have been designated my soulmate... but it didnt happen that way. i found you, and i lost you. i know it wasn't to the drugs, because you only made me stronger when it came to that part of my life. but i know that this crazy scene, this crazy wonderful underground life, would somehow end the best parts of my life in misery. and it has.
i had friends who used to always ask my opinion... do i think a long-distance relationship can work? and i would smile and say sure... why not. you can do anything you set your mind to. and a long-distance friendship seems like it would require even less maintenance. but 300 miles... they are the world between me and you, aren't they? you had her and i had him, because that was who was in your world, and he was who was in mine. our paths would cross so very little... and it was always for such a short, disappointing time. was fate trying to tell us something?
i wish only this tonight.... that the last time i saw you, i would have done things different. i'm not talking about the acid... we've already established that eating all that acid was a mistake... but not because of you. 8 hits of acid really makes you see the world different, let me tell you... i saw nothing but colors, i knew nothing but nothing, i couldnt say anything... except your name. why? why, in the midst of all my confusion, was the only feasible thought in my head, of you? but getting back to what i was saying... i would have done things different.
and afterwards... i would have left it go at "Things don't always go as planned." i wouldn't have went on to tell you of my plans, and of my hurt and disappointment.
*sigh*
and now here we are. we barely talk anymore. those hundreds and hundreds of emails... they are lost words. words forgotten. i will never hear your voice on the phone late at night. see you? i doubted. oh wait... someday, you will become the big-name dj that you always hoped you would be. and i will be at the front of the crowd, cheering your name, with all your adoring fans. you will look up and see me, but i will be just another face in the crowd. your pride, your ego, will undoubtedly cloud your vision. maybe it has already.
i think of you tonight. my life is so... wrong, right now. i feel like i have nothing, and have no one. my heart is heavy with a sadness that i can't seem to shake. nothing anyone says, no matter how sweet, or strong, or inspirational, can erase the pain i feel day in and day out. i only wish you could work your magic again. but you and i... we dont even belong in the same sentence anymore.
was it really so bad what i said to you once upon a time...? was it so bad that i drove 11 hours out of my way to try to see you, only to stand forlornly at a payphone in some strange city to hear you say you were busy? i was so lost that night... yes, lost in a strange city with no sense of direction, but lost... in my life. not knowing which direction to head in... towards you or away from you. towards him or away from him. backwards or forwards. i'm always lost.
i wonder what you're doing right now. i wonder if you ever think of me... i think of you tonight. that last time that i poured my heart out, you simply replied with a vague "i'm here if you need me." are you so blind? i've needed you... for awhile. just to be my friend again, my soulmate. is that so much to ask?
i'm thinking of you.
------------------
E-girl
IM: tiggersgurl2067
*Choice, not chance, determines destiny*
"November is all I know."
people will see this thread, and automatically think i am writing about the person i always write about... but its about you. today, i think of you.
people drift apart, i know this. it's a part of life that no one can control. we packed a lifetime worth of happiness and memories into nearly 3 short years, and left nothing for the rest of the time. these memories haunt me day after day.
he hurt me, as all men in my life have done over the years. my life was in shreds, and i had more drugs going through my body than you could find in a club on one night. hope... i had none. dignity... i had little. and then there was you... you came along.
a simple email... you changed my life. you became my light at the end of the tunnel. you poured happiness and hope into my fragile heart. you held me through some dark lonely nights, even from 300 miles away.
its funny, how the last person in the world that you can think of, becomes your soulmate, in that split second. funny how a stranger can touch your heart so deeply, that it makes everything in your life so profoundly wonderful, for as long as you have it.
i lost a boyfriend or two, and many friends, to my drug-induced life. i always wondered if i would lose you the same way. but then it think, if it weren't for the drugs, if it weren't for bluelight, i wouldn't even have met you. someone else, somewhere in my life, would have been designated my soulmate... but it didnt happen that way. i found you, and i lost you. i know it wasn't to the drugs, because you only made me stronger when it came to that part of my life. but i know that this crazy scene, this crazy wonderful underground life, would somehow end the best parts of my life in misery. and it has.
i had friends who used to always ask my opinion... do i think a long-distance relationship can work? and i would smile and say sure... why not. you can do anything you set your mind to. and a long-distance friendship seems like it would require even less maintenance. but 300 miles... they are the world between me and you, aren't they? you had her and i had him, because that was who was in your world, and he was who was in mine. our paths would cross so very little... and it was always for such a short, disappointing time. was fate trying to tell us something?
i wish only this tonight.... that the last time i saw you, i would have done things different. i'm not talking about the acid... we've already established that eating all that acid was a mistake... but not because of you. 8 hits of acid really makes you see the world different, let me tell you... i saw nothing but colors, i knew nothing but nothing, i couldnt say anything... except your name. why? why, in the midst of all my confusion, was the only feasible thought in my head, of you? but getting back to what i was saying... i would have done things different.
and afterwards... i would have left it go at "Things don't always go as planned." i wouldn't have went on to tell you of my plans, and of my hurt and disappointment.
*sigh*
and now here we are. we barely talk anymore. those hundreds and hundreds of emails... they are lost words. words forgotten. i will never hear your voice on the phone late at night. see you? i doubted. oh wait... someday, you will become the big-name dj that you always hoped you would be. and i will be at the front of the crowd, cheering your name, with all your adoring fans. you will look up and see me, but i will be just another face in the crowd. your pride, your ego, will undoubtedly cloud your vision. maybe it has already.
i think of you tonight. my life is so... wrong, right now. i feel like i have nothing, and have no one. my heart is heavy with a sadness that i can't seem to shake. nothing anyone says, no matter how sweet, or strong, or inspirational, can erase the pain i feel day in and day out. i only wish you could work your magic again. but you and i... we dont even belong in the same sentence anymore.
was it really so bad what i said to you once upon a time...? was it so bad that i drove 11 hours out of my way to try to see you, only to stand forlornly at a payphone in some strange city to hear you say you were busy? i was so lost that night... yes, lost in a strange city with no sense of direction, but lost... in my life. not knowing which direction to head in... towards you or away from you. towards him or away from him. backwards or forwards. i'm always lost.
i wonder what you're doing right now. i wonder if you ever think of me... i think of you tonight. that last time that i poured my heart out, you simply replied with a vague "i'm here if you need me." are you so blind? i've needed you... for awhile. just to be my friend again, my soulmate. is that so much to ask?
i'm thinking of you.
------------------
E-girl
IM: tiggersgurl2067
*Choice, not chance, determines destiny*
"November is all I know."
