So I was sitting on my bed feeling the buzz from the last of my pills and meth. I've already let shit I don't want to deal with slide. At this point, the damage is still repairable. I had to force myself to eat some crackers I keep by the bed every once in a while whether I wanted to or not. I also made sure to drink one can of Slim Fast in the morning and one at night, otherwise I'd be too weak to move. I started back on drinking the magnisium fizz also, as that replaces what the meth takes away AND drinking it on a regular basis keep your tolerance to meth from rising.
It's true. I'd read it on BL back in 03 or 05 I think, and it worked for sure, especially when I'd go on periods of abstinence. To top it off, I got the flu from my patient, I had to call in sick Thursday, and totally forgot about the NA meeting Fri night thinking it was the next night. Taking off work Thurs night messes me up because I'm thinking it's still Thurs when I wake up the next day instead of Fri morning. Anyway, the lack of food and water intake made me start to see what I thought of as "smoke people" staring at me from a blank, turned off TV screen.
This was, in fact a perfect meditative state in the absense of shrooms or LSD. My boy was going to send me some, but I think I pissed him off from some of the entries he read. What he doesn't realize is that cyber boy is just that, cyber. When he's done with me, he'll move on, but once in a while I want a man to tell me I'm loved and attractive even if it's only for now. So, a bit bewildered, I was sitting in front of the TV, talking to the screen ghosts, talking to God.
"Ok God, I did 2 years of your sobreity kick like You wanted me to. It had some obvious advantages, that I can't deny. However, all the times I studied so hard, tried to reach You without drugs, I could NOT get my mind in a meditative state to be able to HEAR like right now. (Tears started flowing at that point) I tried to get my mind under control. I even asked you to throw away my own will and install Your thinking instead since I've been such a permanent fuck up.
Try hard as I did, I didn't get my thinking regarding food under control, or generalized discipline for that matter. I got no real pleasure out of sex, not that I was looking for any, but the times I did try, couldn't manage it sober. I've read in spiritual research that the mind is all. That says it right there. I know if it's possible to do certain things loaded, I should be able to do them sober, yet fuck me I couldn't!
Answer: All right, first of all, don't beat yourself up not being able to have complete discipline of your mind. It takes some people MANY lifetimes to be able to learn how to discipline your mind. There is no quick fix. Go back and start again.
Shit, I thought, as this rate I've got another 400 million life times ahead on planet suckville here, whoop de fuckin do!
Answer: It's still not too late to start again.
Ok, then another question. God I'm REALLY confused about John Doe. Men as a general rule, from my experience don't keep saying "I love you," over and over, both 8 years ago and even now. He knew he was going to get laid anyway, but we had an affair, he kept telling me he loved me for 5 months afterward. (I gone back and reread my scripts/blogs about him) Then he goes and dumps me because he said he was seeing someone else.
When I reread all those journals, I remembered the pain. I knew he was a playboy, but again, why the flowery romance instead of just sex like it's done here in America?
Answer: You're John Doe is a sex and love addict. You know how you turn to drugs for comfort? Well, he had sex. He has affairs. And there ARE some men that like romance every bit as much as you do, that's why he didn't JUST want the sex. So every word he said during the romance, was true as far as he knew, at the time. Eventually, he craves another fix, just like you, so he finds it.
Wow. John Doe a sex and love addict? The more I thought about it, the more it made sense. His job, the one he had for 30 yrs until recently took him all over Europe and the US for business. The perfect conditions to bring on numerous affairs. He said that although he got sex at home, it had been without much enthusiasm. I pity his poor wife, he was gone fucking 90% of the time, so yeah I guess she'd be a little pissed off.
Even as an affair for one week in Dublin 8 years ago, he barely had time to fit sex and romance in with us, what 3 days out of 7? So, once I came back home to the States, I'd been hoping to fly out to see him again in January 2002, but he dumped me the day after my birthday. He told me had he hadn't cried since the day his last child was born recently, which I couldn't comprehend. Alone, I'm the biggest cry baby, althouth I keep myself guarded in public.
Something upsets me, I get angry, I cry about it, I write about it, then it's released. So I guess his way of release is through sex. I forgave him a long time ago though. We kept in touch on and off over the years, but seldom. So, ok mystery solved as far as John Doe.
Ok, God, I cannot do this detox on my own. I tried for months to kick the Tramadol alone, and didn't quite succeed. If I AM to succeed, then this won't happen without divine intervention. Oh and this time PLEASE don't send the cops for help if it's at all possible....
Lookin at the blank screen, the connection had been broken. Instead I heard Aimee's wisecrack in my mind say, "You hide your stash inside your butt cheeks, they can't search you there." In jail I was told also to tape it to my pussy, right where the hairline would normally start. Since I shave it all anyway, I guess that would work.
So now, day one of detox. Thank God, so far I feel normal. I don't feel high, which I miss, but I DO feel normal. No W/D's, great! I started the supplements of Phenocane and took 3 and 1/2 Tramadol because I won't get more Rx painkillers until next week. And even THAT is only if I respond to and pay the fuckers $200 for a lousy pap test I thought my insurance would cover, as they have every year. Sigh. It's time to figure shit out back on planet normieville again.
It's true. I'd read it on BL back in 03 or 05 I think, and it worked for sure, especially when I'd go on periods of abstinence. To top it off, I got the flu from my patient, I had to call in sick Thursday, and totally forgot about the NA meeting Fri night thinking it was the next night. Taking off work Thurs night messes me up because I'm thinking it's still Thurs when I wake up the next day instead of Fri morning. Anyway, the lack of food and water intake made me start to see what I thought of as "smoke people" staring at me from a blank, turned off TV screen.
This was, in fact a perfect meditative state in the absense of shrooms or LSD. My boy was going to send me some, but I think I pissed him off from some of the entries he read. What he doesn't realize is that cyber boy is just that, cyber. When he's done with me, he'll move on, but once in a while I want a man to tell me I'm loved and attractive even if it's only for now. So, a bit bewildered, I was sitting in front of the TV, talking to the screen ghosts, talking to God.
"Ok God, I did 2 years of your sobreity kick like You wanted me to. It had some obvious advantages, that I can't deny. However, all the times I studied so hard, tried to reach You without drugs, I could NOT get my mind in a meditative state to be able to HEAR like right now. (Tears started flowing at that point) I tried to get my mind under control. I even asked you to throw away my own will and install Your thinking instead since I've been such a permanent fuck up.
Try hard as I did, I didn't get my thinking regarding food under control, or generalized discipline for that matter. I got no real pleasure out of sex, not that I was looking for any, but the times I did try, couldn't manage it sober. I've read in spiritual research that the mind is all. That says it right there. I know if it's possible to do certain things loaded, I should be able to do them sober, yet fuck me I couldn't!
Answer: All right, first of all, don't beat yourself up not being able to have complete discipline of your mind. It takes some people MANY lifetimes to be able to learn how to discipline your mind. There is no quick fix. Go back and start again.
Shit, I thought, as this rate I've got another 400 million life times ahead on planet suckville here, whoop de fuckin do!
Answer: It's still not too late to start again.
Ok, then another question. God I'm REALLY confused about John Doe. Men as a general rule, from my experience don't keep saying "I love you," over and over, both 8 years ago and even now. He knew he was going to get laid anyway, but we had an affair, he kept telling me he loved me for 5 months afterward. (I gone back and reread my scripts/blogs about him) Then he goes and dumps me because he said he was seeing someone else.
When I reread all those journals, I remembered the pain. I knew he was a playboy, but again, why the flowery romance instead of just sex like it's done here in America?
Answer: You're John Doe is a sex and love addict. You know how you turn to drugs for comfort? Well, he had sex. He has affairs. And there ARE some men that like romance every bit as much as you do, that's why he didn't JUST want the sex. So every word he said during the romance, was true as far as he knew, at the time. Eventually, he craves another fix, just like you, so he finds it.
Wow. John Doe a sex and love addict? The more I thought about it, the more it made sense. His job, the one he had for 30 yrs until recently took him all over Europe and the US for business. The perfect conditions to bring on numerous affairs. He said that although he got sex at home, it had been without much enthusiasm. I pity his poor wife, he was gone fucking 90% of the time, so yeah I guess she'd be a little pissed off.
Even as an affair for one week in Dublin 8 years ago, he barely had time to fit sex and romance in with us, what 3 days out of 7? So, once I came back home to the States, I'd been hoping to fly out to see him again in January 2002, but he dumped me the day after my birthday. He told me had he hadn't cried since the day his last child was born recently, which I couldn't comprehend. Alone, I'm the biggest cry baby, althouth I keep myself guarded in public.
Something upsets me, I get angry, I cry about it, I write about it, then it's released. So I guess his way of release is through sex. I forgave him a long time ago though. We kept in touch on and off over the years, but seldom. So, ok mystery solved as far as John Doe.
Ok, God, I cannot do this detox on my own. I tried for months to kick the Tramadol alone, and didn't quite succeed. If I AM to succeed, then this won't happen without divine intervention. Oh and this time PLEASE don't send the cops for help if it's at all possible....
Lookin at the blank screen, the connection had been broken. Instead I heard Aimee's wisecrack in my mind say, "You hide your stash inside your butt cheeks, they can't search you there." In jail I was told also to tape it to my pussy, right where the hairline would normally start. Since I shave it all anyway, I guess that would work.
So now, day one of detox. Thank God, so far I feel normal. I don't feel high, which I miss, but I DO feel normal. No W/D's, great! I started the supplements of Phenocane and took 3 and 1/2 Tramadol because I won't get more Rx painkillers until next week. And even THAT is only if I respond to and pay the fuckers $200 for a lousy pap test I thought my insurance would cover, as they have every year. Sigh. It's time to figure shit out back on planet normieville again.
