jippytheclown
Bluelighter
Last summer after about a year or two of purchasing "heroin" on the DarkWeb I had some tested that I thought was true heroin. I was in the Letten in Zurich during the 90's and I thought I knew real heroin. All were fentanyl mixes with noscopine (a poppy straw extract with negligible alkalines). My world was destroyed and the remaining 5 grams got given away. I slowly began using a BC source on the streets and ended up using benzodope, which is 100% of street heroin here. It is always a combination of fentanyl, benzo designer analogs of Atlzalam, and xylazine. It is nightmarish. The combo always gave me black-outs of 20+ hours, then left me sleeping for days, then taking up to 2 weeks to recover my physical equilibrium and be able to eat and drink, as well as put more than a single thought together.
Since Sept. '021 I have relapsed 3 or 4 times, remembering very little and losing a month of productivity each time. My wife has slowly over time told me what would happen every time. And little slices of memory have arisen in my brain. I am horrified and ashamed by what I have discovered that I have done. My dealer has surveillance video of me falling repeatedly head first off her porch and getting up, smiling, and walking away. I was forced into sobriety and withdrawal when I broke my ribs and could do nothing but lay in bed for 1-2 months. Apparantly I had some bicycle accidents.
The pattern of the high has gone something like this. One puff off foil and I am gone. My short-term memory disappears, which is precisely what a blackout is....no past moment, no next moment. My higher brain executive function or adult ego state is shot. First I experience delusion of sobriety....I feel nothing and only want more. I finish the single point and go get a gram or two and smoke until comatose. Prior to entering coma I have experience the Dr Jeckyl/ Mr Hyde syndrome. Suppressed parts of my personality surface with no executive function or monitoring of behaviour available.
I remember coming to and finding myself thinking about the possibility of the possibility of thinking about going insane and acting out....such as stabbing or choking out my wife. I then experience a deep feeling of disturbance at why am I thinking about thinking about thinking about doing something violent. That is as close as I can get to the actual experience of thinking of violently killing the love of my life. I am told that during this I am behaving paranoid and expressing accusations of conspiring against me on her part.
The dope being all consumed, I then enter a comatose state where I am found laying in bewildering positions in the oddest places. Thankfully, she monitors and adjusts my positions. Persons in BC have lain this way long enough to lose limbs and feeling in skin.
Some 20-30 plus hours into the experience this is replaced by falling into a deep sleep for a few days. Sometimes I wake up within this time feeling good and jump out of bed to redose only to find it is lost or consumed which enrages the beast once again leaving me railing against my wife for many hours. I am panicky and cannot link 2 thoughts together, and attempting to do so leaves me completely overwhelmed. I scream about this, and that I need a day off from responsibility or thinking. I stress my wife enough that she enters into a stress induced narcoleptic episode, during which she falls many times injuring herself. I can only scream at her about how overwhelmed and incapacitated I am, unable to do anything.
This stuff will leave you forgetting who you are and your foundational moral compass. I cannot not hardly function in my old brain (shivery, sweating, cold, hot, etc. GABA all fucked up, let alone access my higher brain identity and remember what my interests and joys are. This takes up to a month to recover from a single session. It is weaponized dope. It is evil. Absolute evil.
Since Sept. '021 I have relapsed 3 or 4 times, remembering very little and losing a month of productivity each time. My wife has slowly over time told me what would happen every time. And little slices of memory have arisen in my brain. I am horrified and ashamed by what I have discovered that I have done. My dealer has surveillance video of me falling repeatedly head first off her porch and getting up, smiling, and walking away. I was forced into sobriety and withdrawal when I broke my ribs and could do nothing but lay in bed for 1-2 months. Apparantly I had some bicycle accidents.
The pattern of the high has gone something like this. One puff off foil and I am gone. My short-term memory disappears, which is precisely what a blackout is....no past moment, no next moment. My higher brain executive function or adult ego state is shot. First I experience delusion of sobriety....I feel nothing and only want more. I finish the single point and go get a gram or two and smoke until comatose. Prior to entering coma I have experience the Dr Jeckyl/ Mr Hyde syndrome. Suppressed parts of my personality surface with no executive function or monitoring of behaviour available.
I remember coming to and finding myself thinking about the possibility of the possibility of thinking about going insane and acting out....such as stabbing or choking out my wife. I then experience a deep feeling of disturbance at why am I thinking about thinking about thinking about doing something violent. That is as close as I can get to the actual experience of thinking of violently killing the love of my life. I am told that during this I am behaving paranoid and expressing accusations of conspiring against me on her part.
The dope being all consumed, I then enter a comatose state where I am found laying in bewildering positions in the oddest places. Thankfully, she monitors and adjusts my positions. Persons in BC have lain this way long enough to lose limbs and feeling in skin.
Some 20-30 plus hours into the experience this is replaced by falling into a deep sleep for a few days. Sometimes I wake up within this time feeling good and jump out of bed to redose only to find it is lost or consumed which enrages the beast once again leaving me railing against my wife for many hours. I am panicky and cannot link 2 thoughts together, and attempting to do so leaves me completely overwhelmed. I scream about this, and that I need a day off from responsibility or thinking. I stress my wife enough that she enters into a stress induced narcoleptic episode, during which she falls many times injuring herself. I can only scream at her about how overwhelmed and incapacitated I am, unable to do anything.
This stuff will leave you forgetting who you are and your foundational moral compass. I cannot not hardly function in my old brain (shivery, sweating, cold, hot, etc. GABA all fucked up, let alone access my higher brain identity and remember what my interests and joys are. This takes up to a month to recover from a single session. It is weaponized dope. It is evil. Absolute evil.
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