Vaile*
Bluelighter
As I face the collage of images plastered along the walls of my mind, I clench my jaw and try to shake back
the strength that has left my arms.
My chest tightens under the pressure that precedes the subtle throbbing.
I don't see her anymore. I don't really want to. She exists as a single frame of film; signed and dated,
as it stands above the tall mess I have yet been able to organise in full.
What I did consider to be the top has now receded. I filed it away between alcohol and substance abuse.
It wasn't very long or detailed, as I cannot remember enough to make it so. All that is apparent is
the quantity and the short amount of time.
The rest is vivid. I had never allowed anyone to touch me with a knife. It suddenly appeared
in the hands of the person opposite me. My awareness, not of touch or of sight, but of mind, had heightened itself at a
time where it's foundation was twisted and bent by a spirit unable and unwilling to breathe.
The wave of images flood back.
For all the time I had known her, it was then that I did not recall her name.
For one distinct second, it became joy.
For one minute, my arms were laid open.
For one moment, it grew to hate.
For some time, we continued.
For one hour, we fucked.
I choose to leave out all but this:
While mingling blood; While movement became pain.
While the realisation of what had been done had yet to affect me.
That brief moment in time, where I looked upon my body,
and read the words across my chest
LET LOVE IN
That all love had left me.
Written after help given and received.
[ 18 June 2002: Message edited by: Vaile* ]
the strength that has left my arms.
My chest tightens under the pressure that precedes the subtle throbbing.
I don't see her anymore. I don't really want to. She exists as a single frame of film; signed and dated,
as it stands above the tall mess I have yet been able to organise in full.
What I did consider to be the top has now receded. I filed it away between alcohol and substance abuse.
It wasn't very long or detailed, as I cannot remember enough to make it so. All that is apparent is
the quantity and the short amount of time.
The rest is vivid. I had never allowed anyone to touch me with a knife. It suddenly appeared
in the hands of the person opposite me. My awareness, not of touch or of sight, but of mind, had heightened itself at a
time where it's foundation was twisted and bent by a spirit unable and unwilling to breathe.
The wave of images flood back.
For all the time I had known her, it was then that I did not recall her name.
For one distinct second, it became joy.
For one minute, my arms were laid open.
For one moment, it grew to hate.
For some time, we continued.
For one hour, we fucked.
I choose to leave out all but this:
While mingling blood; While movement became pain.
While the realisation of what had been done had yet to affect me.
That brief moment in time, where I looked upon my body,
and read the words across my chest
LET LOVE IN
That all love had left me.
Written after help given and received.
[ 18 June 2002: Message edited by: Vaile* ]
