Witnessing Self-Destruction

[Stirling16]

Hello Bluelight community. My name is Stirling.
I'm 35.
Live in the Dallas area.
Primary purpose for joining is to read and discuss topics related to chemical dependency and mental illness.
Older sibling trying to wrap my head around my brother's behavior.
Seeking a greater understanding of what constitutes compassionate behavior from me in this situation.
Educating myself on the chemicals in play and the relationship between chemical dependency and mental illness.

My brother is 31. I'm writing this post about him. Demographics: white, middle class, university educated. Living in the Dallas area. Successfully employed until 2 1/2 years ago. Unwilling and unable to work for any length of time since then.

Confirmed Diagosis:
Severe alcohol use disorder.
Moderate amphetamine type use disorder (Adderall).
Moderate marijuana type use disorder (daily).

Separate neuro-psych and psychiatric evaluations concluded "Possible mood or personality disorder exibiting borderline and narcissistic features". To date, no definitive mental illness diagnosis as the substance abuse and entrenched denial cloud any clear view of what may or may not be underlying. Neither his mental healthcare providers, nor I believe it is ethical to hypothetically or circumstantially label a person with a mental disorder without being absolutely sure the symptoms aren't caused by something else. With that said, the speed and wholesale nature of the disease's divergent behavior exhibited over the past two years feels, at least to me, far more integrated and developed than substance abuse alone can explain.

Over the last 5 years, I have witnessed a marked steady decline in my brother's judgment, insight into his thoughts and behaviors, and ability to function on a daily basis. This steady decline increased dramatically after our father passed away suddenly 2 years ago. In the past 9 months, he has taken what used to be a stable financial/social situation and turned it into $30k in debt, an eviction resulting in homelessness, a vehicle repossession, the loss of contact and support from friends and family due to continued wreckless, dangerous, and seemingly pointless behaviors. Restraining orders to protect the property and persons of his mother and grandmother from his overtly abusive and predatory behavior. Most disturbing to me is his complete loss of empathy, accompanied by a rejection of anything resembling integrity or a recognizable moral compass.

Prior to recently getting kicked out of sober living, he was in rehab for 100 days. But the truth is he remains profoundly lost. I'm trying to find a way to wrap my head around this. I don't know if rehab or a psychiatric facility is the proper place for him to receive the appropriate level of care. The path he is on appears to only have two logical outcomes ...death or jail.

I love him, but I can't see anything I can do to arrest his fall. I am tormented and helpless watching him tear his life apart. Thanks for letting me share. -Stirling

 

[starting_over]

Sorry to hear about your brother Stirling. I have a brother and it would be incredibly tough to see him go through this.

You know, I'm not sure if he's ready for rehab again. Is he truly willing to quit drugs and alcohol? Or does he need to taper down for a bit? Situations like these remind me of a quote... "the extent that you can help someone depends on how much they want to help themselves."

Mental illness (not fully diagnosed) makes this thing more difficult, but a psychiatric facility would be better than jail... no idea what the criteria re: admitting is. Something's gotta happen though, when was the last time you sat down and talked with him?

Also I can't find the thread but someone posted a year? ago about helplessly watching their sibling? cousin? go deep down the rabbit hole... and their eventual death. It was terrible to read.

Hope you're taking care of yourself too.

 

[herbavore]

Hey Stirling, I am a mom of two sons. My younger son (deceased) suffered both from mental instability (various stabs in the dark diagnoses but like your brother, nothing completely pinned down as he was still a minor and thus, still developing) and eventually drug dependence/addiction. We were/are a very close family and I know that the particular pain my older son felt and still feels, is both shared and distinct from my own as a mother.

Here is what I can say: the most important work any family member can do is exactly what you are doing already which is to educate yourself, stay involved but with very clear boundaries and stay compassionate and as hopeful as possible. My brother was lost in his addiction for twenty years before recovery. He will now tell anyone that had my parents given up on him, had they not retained the faith in him that even he himself could no longer support, that he would not have been able to recover. the hardest part for family members is to navigate individually as well as collectively as a family that thin treacherous line between enabling and supporting. Former Poet Laureate of the US and brother of a homeless, mentally ill brother put it this way: You probe your own human capacity and you draw your own lines. For him it was continuing to pay for a room that his brother could use (even though he hardly ever chose to); he said he could not live with himself if he did not provide at least that. At the same time he had given up attempting any other way to change his brother's life as it felt futile and worked to diminish rather than strengthen his love for his brother. It made so much sense to me in my own struggle to understand what I did that was actually helping my son and what well-intentioned actions or words on my part were actually hurting him.

One thing that I will put out there that may seem completely far-fetched is that there may be something neurological going on. Is there is any way at all to get your brother to a doctor who is informed about the relatively sudden changes in his behavior/thinking etc? I have read too many articles and books like Brain on Fire (the young journalist that was diagnosed psychotic that ended up having a brain virus) to be able to overlook this possibility.

More than anything I want to reach out and say that I know just how painful this is for you as a sibling. You are bombarded by both the pain you feel for your "little" brother and the pain you feel for your parents and grandparents as you watch them suffer. Just know that so many people in the world understand that addiction happens to across every class, culture, family dynamic and ethnic group. There is so much shame and blame heaped on the person struggling with addiction but it extends to their families as well. What I found by opening up to my social circle, my colleagues at work and my extended family was that most people (including those in the medical profession as well as even many in the Recovery profession) are woefully uneducated about what the diverse roots of addiction really are.

I hope that you will get information that is helpful to you here on Bluelight (and elsewhere in your search) but I also want to impress on you that part of the mission of the Recovery forums is to offer family members a place to get support themselves.

Sending much love to both your brother and all who love him.