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Will I ever feel normal again?

Please know your not alone. I saw so much of myself in your post. I am withdrawing off methadone and in my own brand of hell. I too lay and think what I would give to just wake up normal and healthy one morning? To not be coming out of my skin constantly. WIll I ever feel the sensation of jumping into the cool lake waters on a hot day? Oh how i would give anything for that simple enjoyment now.

I believe we may have to go through this to really really decide we are going to appreciate the simple pleasures in life.

WHY could I not see that before?

I also have had SOO many memories I thought were not there come flooding back. And so many emotions just flooding flooding out of me.

Just know there are so many of us out here going thru exactly what you are going thru. Hang in there.

See you on the other side...
 
stlouisgirl said:
Please know your not alone. I saw so much of myself in your post. I am withdrawing off methadone and in my own brand of hell. I too lay and think what I would give to just wake up normal and healthy one morning? To not be coming out of my skin constantly. WIll I ever feel the sensation of jumping into the cool lake waters on a hot day? Oh how i would give anything for that simple enjoyment now.

I believe we may have to go through this to really really decide we are going to appreciate the simple pleasures in life.

WHY could I not see that before?

I also have had SOO many memories I thought were not there come flooding back. And so many emotions just flooding flooding out of me.

Just know there are so many of us out here going thru exactly what you are going thru. Hang in there.

See you on the other side...
Click to expand...


I never though of that before, you're right. I could never enjoy simple pleasures in life, I guess we will just keep suffering until we learn how. I suppose it's good in a way, if you give it some thought. It makes things seem less scary, that's why I think acute WDs have always been the easiest part. The more I'm suffering the less I need to feel happy, we need to keep things in perspective long term. Everything is relative, when I'm suffering like that you can't see very far ahead so I find it a lot easier to find relief. When I start to feel better I want more, that's what makes it so difficult, it's hard to be satisfied with only simple things long term, and it takes along time to crawl out of that hole. Maybe we need to suffer through this to give us the strength to climb out.

Thanks
 
stlouisgirl said:
Please know your not alone. I saw so much of myself in your post. I am withdrawing off methadone and in my own brand of hell. I too lay and think what I would give to just wake up normal and healthy one morning? To not be coming out of my skin constantly. WIll I ever feel the sensation of jumping into the cool lake waters on a hot day? Oh how i would give anything for that simple enjoyment now.

I believe we may have to go through this to really really decide we are going to appreciate the simple pleasures in life.

WHY could I not see that before?

I also have had SOO many memories I thought were not there come flooding back. And so many emotions just flooding flooding out of me.

Just know there are so many of us out here going thru exactly what you are going thru. Hang in there.

See you on the other side...
Click to expand...

Congratulations! Quitting methadone is one of the worst experiences I've had in life!
I'm now managing exercises and can see things slowly improving, although I still feel l lack endorphin.
Great to see you motivated!! See you on the other side.
Good luck
E.- :)
 
RiseAgain said:
I never though of that before, you're right. I could never enjoy simple pleasures in life, I guess we will just keep suffering until we learn how. I suppose it's good in a way, if you give it some thought. It makes things seem less scary, that's why I think acute WDs have always been the easiest part. The more I'm suffering the less I need to feel happy, we need to keep things in perspective long term. Everything is relative, when I'm suffering like that you can't see very far ahead so I find it a lot easier to find relief. When I start to feel better I want more, that's what makes it so difficult, it's hard to be satisfied with only simple things long term, and it takes along time to crawl out of that hole. Maybe we need to suffer through this to give us the strength to climb out.

Thanks
Click to expand...

Sorry to hear of everything you've been through. It sounds like you are a survivor, it takes a lot of inner strength to get through what you have, even thought it feels like you're breaking apart at times. I think many of us turn to drugs to try to keep going, to survive, but then it all comes with a price.

I guess it's our nature to keep trying to improve things, whether it's the world around us or our state of mind.

Your post made me think of an analogy I read once, about how butterflies need to fight and struggle to come out of their chrysalis, otherwise their wings don't have enough strength to work. I hope your struggle gives you strength.
 
I'm seriously starting to think my only option is to kill myself again. My body is so fucked up there's just no point in going on and I can't keep ignoring it and distracting myself any longer. There's no point in trying to get healthy. What's the point of exercising when there's nothing to be gained from it. There's no point in trying to build muscle when I've got big fucking titties and skin hanging off me that's all covered in stretch marks and scars. I haven't had a good night's sleep in over a year, I can't lie down and close my eyes because there's nothing to distract myself. I'm incapable of having a positive though unless I take enough drugs to forget I exist and find something to distract myself. I can't even lie down and relax when I'm high on oxy and weed because there is nothing good to think about. The only time I ever sleep is when I pass out. I want to go out and do something but I'm too scared to get it the shower and look at myself without anything to distract me. Every time I get in the shower I have a panic attack.

I could deal with my problems if it wasn't for this. I'm scared to finish withdrawing and find if my central nervous system is completely fucked. I'd rather just keep using so I don't have to find out because then the only option I have is to kill myself. I don't want it to be like this but I'be thought about it for so long and It's the only logical option. I really wish I hadn't pulled myself out of that noose when I was 16, I was so close, my vision had blacked out and I was just hanging but I didn't have the balls to follow through. I think about it all the time I feel so frustrated, killing myself now Isn't enough, I wish I could go back in time and finish the job.
 
Fuck bro what a life. I don't got any great insights or answers, I wish I did. These psych meds are bullshit, fuck them and the "drs" that prescribe them. Fuck ur parents dude they ain't shit either. Do u bro fuck the world. Whatever u find the slightest amount of happyness doing, do that. Killing yourself is wack dude and it would hurt your sister most of all and I can tell u care for her more than anything. Suicide is a selfish thing and it won't bring u relief. My mother was a mental patient as am I and I've been in all the meds you've been on so I can kinda understand the tics and stuff ur dealing with. You just need a real friend bro, someone u can get this shit off ur chest and confide in. I know sometimes friends just aren't possible, I'm in the same boat there. My story is floating around here somewhere on one of my earliest posts on bluelight so I won't bore u with that, I just want u to know ur not alone. There's a lot of good people here who've been tossed aside by society for whatever reason and somehow a lot of find our way here to help each other. For some of us this is our only outlet to the outside world. I have plenty to say and can go on and on but I just woke up so I gotta crack a monster energy drink and do some bags so the depression and anxiety doesn't take over, I'm here if u wanna talk dude, sometimes talking with someone who can understand helps and hey it may help both of us. Anyway dude forget about that killing yourself bro, u don't deserve that. The meek shall inherit so get yours my brother, I'll be thinking of u and praying to whoever I pray to for u to find peace. I think that's what your really seeking and it's doable man. Your friend in pain, cliffy ;)
 
One of the absolute cruelest parts of childhood abuse is how the child carries the abuser within long after they have separated from them. Your mission in life is to extract every single fucked up message about yourself that your sick parents implanted in you. It can be done but it is not without pain. Right now you are in a beginning phase--a necessary step--in which you are reliving and remembering. This is painful but try to have hope that it is a stage and not a permanent state of being. Let the anger and the anguish come up freely. Find ways to channel those emotions--writing, walking, crying, beating a pillow, throwing rocks into water--something that allows you to feel and to react with your mind and body in unison. What you and your siblings endured is extreme. I think you need to help each other to heal. What is your relationship with them like at this point? Also, can you go through this challenging time with the help of a therapist? Hang in there, RiseAgain. You had a reason for choosing that username. Listen to your will to heal, not the old ghost voices your parents created long ago in your head. Don't carry on their work for them.
 
I took 5mg of diazepam and finally fell asleep for four hours and I just woke up.

I noticed a big improvement in my physical symptoms when I took it which surprised me. I think a lot of my physical symptoms are being caused by anxiety but I've been searching for something else to blame. I haven't been able to accept that anxiety is causing my symptoms because I can't face the cause of the anxiety.
 
Thanks cliffy, I might pm you later if I feel up to it.

Thanks herbavore, I'm hanging on. I have an appointment with a psychologist tommorrow. I"'ve been writing to let it out, it helps a lot. It's turning into a horror story, based on a true story lol. It helps to take a few narrative liberties, fictionalize it a bit and have fun with it, makes it easier to process.
 
It's cool brother, I'll be around... Your story would make a killer movie dude...
 
MY BRAIN IS WORKING AGAIN AND I FEEL FUCKING AMAZING.

I found the answer I'be been looking for and I wrote it down for myself, here it is:

When you think about the trauma instead of thinking about how scary it is think about how fucking awesome you are, think about how bad all the shit that has happened and how fucking amazing it is that you pulled through it, you're a survivor and nothing should make you happier than being yourself. Think about how fucking awesome you are and all the shit you've survived and realize how strong you are, love yourself and turn it into something positive. And remember, you can't miss what you never had and you're not missing anything anyway, everyone else is missing something because you're the only one who gets to be you, and you are fucking awesome.
 
Good shit bro! Nice to see you coming outta the fog. Gives me newfound hope :)
 
My brother is so traumatized that he stopped going to school when he was 16 and he has just hid in his room for the last 3 years. He has bunk beds and he sleeps in the bottom bunk with a mattress standing on it's side walling him in. He's in a constant state of panic and always has been. He has literally spent his whole life in constant fear and has never known anything else. He always struggled to go to school until he just stopped and has been hiding in there ever since. I can feel all of his pain and it is horrifying. I don't think anybody will ever really understand and I don't know what to do. I just want him to be OK more than anything in the world I want to help him. I'm so scared.. I don't know what to do.
 
You can help him the most by acknowledging what happened but also by letting him know that all the ways you may have internalized the craziness as children may give you your own twisted thoughts and feelings and that this is nothing to be scared of--everything can be healed. Sometimes it actually helps to understand too that your parents got severely damaged along the way themselves and that they could not have just incidentally evolved into the kind of people that made a high art of abusing their own children. Did you ever have any relatives that tried to help or did this family dynamic radiate out into the whole extended family?

How is your brother surviving now? Do your parents support him?
 
I don't blame my parents anymore, I understand that they are very sick and it wasn't their fault. They are trying their best to get better, They've changed a lot in the last year.

We don't have any relatives around, my parents relocated us to (literally) the other side of the world when I was 6. I think they were trying to escape whatever it was they were hiding from, but they couldn't run from themselves. We are alone.

My parents are supporting us now. I think they realized life wouldn't be much fun once all three of their kids finally succeeded in their suicide attempts lol.
 
I found my true self again while tripping on shrooms a couple of months ago. I understand everything now and it 's not so scary now, fear is just lack of understanding. I've been trying to help my brother see what I see so he doesn't't have to be scared anymore.
 
Wow. Man, there is light at the end of the tunnel, trust me. I've been through a lot of Hell myself, although it's nothing compared to what you've endured. I'll tell you a few things. You are incredibly intelligent and have amazing alliteration skills. You should write a very true book about your life. I read a book by a man who had a horrific upbringing like you. The book is called "A Child Called It" by David Pelzer. It's a great read about a man persevering through his mothers insane abusive games.

I can tell you from my own life that it will get better and you will have incredible strength and be a huge encouragement to everyone around you. I can see you growing through this and people will be inspired by you. I am already inspired that you've come this far through all of this. I am broken hearted for you and your parents for whatever they went through in their childhood to create the mindset as adults to be able to do this sort of thing to a child. I know I could get a lot of flack for sympathizing with them but I know the horrors that created my father and his parents before him. I understand that abuse like this is generational and it's like a chain. But by getting through this, you are a chain breaker!

I Love watching this guy on YouTube. [url]https://youtu.be/CsnMTWxFNRU
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You will pull through this and be able to help your brother.
Trust me when I say, You are loved, truly loved and there is hope.
 
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