• The Dark Side 💕 Welcome Guest 💕
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules
    Notable Threads Urgent Hotlines
    Bereavement Mindfulness
    Suicide Support Anger Management
  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

Why won't any of my sicide attempts work?!?!?

I thought I couldn't be happy without my DOC. 6 months off the rig and I feel the best I've ever felt in my life. it takes a longggg time, your brain chemistry returning to normal, and also for your body to catch up as well (in my case my DOC was my energy, no need for food), it really takes a toll. but once you get through that, you realize you have your whole life in front of you. I got through it by thinking about all the people that have died young that didn't want to, and that I owed it to them to make something of myself.

it sounds like you are coming around. when you have been in the same sinking boat and you see someone that is able to swim their way out it is amazing cause you know how much strength it takes. best of luck to you my friend, please let us know how you are doing!
 
I've attempted to commit suicide 5 times in my short, hard life. Each time I had taken enough to kill a horse, overdosing on multiple drugs at the same time in copious amounts, drinking powerful solvents, or I simply did not bleed from the wounds that I had inflected on myself. After my last attempt (in summer of 2011) I knew this was a sign that there simply was a higher being protecting me, and that I may after all, have a purpose on this world. I know for sure that after that I stumbled into a dark place - but I pulled myself through and I look back at the past year (2012) and I think of all that I have accomplished. I may not be drug free or innocent, however I had a 6 month sobriety period. I have been with my current girlfriend for just coming up to a year - the longest I've been in a relationship and in fact the only one I've been in while not zombified for the entire duration under the influence of many potent tranquilizers and narcotics. This is the girl of my dreams, I want to marry her and grow old with her. It makes me so happy everyday waking up next to her - although I still mess around with some narcotics and such, I feel like a new man.

Drugs did control my life for 6 years and still do to a certain extent. I was hooked on alcohol, cannabis, opiates, benzos, amphetamines, cocaine, MDMA - you name it i've experienced it. However I can easily and happily say that the best time of my life was the 6 months of sobriety I managed through 2012 and I quit everything cold turkey after running up an extremely high dose habit. The first week was painful. The second moreso, but then everything started to get better. As people have said, the brain is extremely resilient to abuse and can repair itself very quickly. As I was no longer under the influence of heavy drugs constantly, it allowed me to be more confident in myself and i quickly readapted to my environment in a positive and constructive way, and I'm now with the most caring, loving, kind, supportive and beautiful girl in the world. However due to extremely stressful circumstances, self pity and desperation I turned back to drugs - not hardcore use but enough to numb my mind. I am currently detoxing again from my usage of drugs and hope to be clean by at least March. We all fuck up and relapse. Addiction is a disease and we have to fight it with everything we've got. We can't let it take control of us - as we think we're the ones in control of our drug use when in reality we're controlled by the drugs. I like to refer to the song Macklemore wrong - Otherside. His lyrics really spoke out to me and I remember them word by word - the most touching being:

"i've seen oxycontin take 3 lives, I grew up with them we used to chief dimes, I've seen cocaine bring out the demons inside, cheating and lying, friendships seised no peace in their mind - broken hopeless, headed nowhere, only motivation for what the dealer supplying. That rush that drug that dope, those pills that chrome that roach, thinking I will never do that, not that drug, growing up nobody every does, until you're stuck, looking in the mirror like I can't believe what I've become, swear I was gonna be someone and growing up everyone always does. We sell our dreams and our potentials to escape through that buzz, just keep me up, keep me up."
-Perhaps a song that you may have a listen to. A true rap song that speaks the truth, complexities of addiction. I know when I felt urges to relapse sometimes I'd play it and it would stop me.Most of that song speaks out to me as I've been in the same way as him.

I think that every person on this planet has a meaning and purpose to their life. Their life will end when their time has come. I've seen many friends of mine die from accidental overdoses and intentional ones - but I believe their time in this world was over and it was time to start again somewhere else.

For you - it's clear that you are meant to be here. Perhaps your situation will not improve or may get worse for a few months but I assure you, life will always get better. I hit rock bottom, and I think only once you've lost everything that you're free to do anything, I seized that opportunity with both hands out grabbing for life and I found it. When I say rock bottom, i'm not exaggerating. I'd lost every friend I'd ever had, i'd run out of money, my mother had completely given up on me and even when she found drugs in my room simply left them there as she knew i'd go and buy more. My clothes were three years old, my doctor had cut all my prescriptions as he knew I was abusing them, my dealer even refused to hook me up with stuff as I was becoming aggressive and intrusive, even clinics were unwilling to prescribe me medication due to the way I was. I looked shabby, I hadn't had a haircut for months, my beard was the same length of my hair and again I contemplated suicide for the seventh time. Thats when I came here, to blue light, for help. I still knew I had a purpose, but it seemed so meagre and bleak. Yet everything to come would be beyond incredible. At would share my stories and experiences with you here on this post - but I think that they may be quite disturbing and triggering. If you go through my old posts on the forum back in the start of 2012/late 2011 you'll find a thread not to dissimilar to this one. How I am forever grateful for all the support I got on here.

Be faithful in yourself, be confident and look up. You're here to do something. You're here for a reason. God or whoever is up there will not let you leave until you've fulfilled your duty here.

Feel free to shoot me a PM if you want to talk about anything. I know life is difficult, rough and treacherous at times but believe me things will get better. Many people here on blue light are willing to talk to you about anything you like and you'll find all the support you need here.

You're young - 18. The prime time to stop all this bullshit and put it behind you for good. Don't let addiction eat your life away, because trust me, it will and it won't stop. It seems as if you've taken that advise and you're moving towards a more constructive part of your life that you will forever remember and be grateful for.

I'm 20 years old myself.

Much love. <3
 
Last edited by a moderator:
lookmanolimbs said:
Liver failure from acetaminophen can be delayed by up to two weeks.

You have a decision to make Phase... if you think there might be a chance you can make something of your life, go ER, NOW.

I can't stop you from offing yourself, nobody here can... but you're only 18, and as someone who was in your exact position at your exact age (s/meth/heroin/), believe me when I say there really is more to life than you think.
Click to expand...

Go to the hospital as soon as you possibly can.

Why won't god let you kill yourself? Because god loves you and he wants you to continue your existence in this reality.
There have been plenty of people in your position before and have turned their life around and lived happy lives.

Although I know plenty of people these days don't believe in god. Sincerely with all your heart pray to the creator of the universe and ask him for help, and let yourself be open to accepting his help.

I wish I knew you in person, I would try and help you out best I could.

@Everyone else, come on people we need to be able to give him some better advice than what we have so far. Unfortunately I don't have much myself ...

Phase0 hang in there!

You are only 18 years old, you have your entire life ahead of you. I would love to be 18 again, there would be so many things I would do differently.
Try thinking of life this way, if you turn your life around now and really make an effort to live a good you will get further in life than those who slowly but surely destroy themselves later. This could be a new start, one where you LEARN A LOT from your mistakes.
 
Last edited:
Killing youself won't end the karma you're currently having to deal with. If only it were that easy...

You're being given a lot of second chances here, I would take them. As long as you're alive then a revolution is possible, even if you don't think so now. Your future self will look back on this in hindsight and know that things could never have stayed so bad, and you'll reflect on the courage you had to continue facing the unknown of your struggle.

No one really wants to kill themselves... they just want resolution - but you have to live to get that. The answer to the puzzle is in staying alive, and if you didn't secretly have that curiosity still driving you, then you wouldn't be here showing people your plea for more life.

Whatever you're going through, just remember it does end; you just don't have to end yourself to experience the finality.
 
Please stop doing that. ODing on over-the-counter medications is most likely not going to kill you but rather it would be doing untold organ damage. One thing I have learned is that your body (especially a young body) is an incredibly resilient machine and can take an unbelievable amount of abuse/poisoning before it will quit.

But yeah as someone said above, if you have recently taken an acetaminophen overdose, it takes a long time before your liver actually fails, so go get medical help asap (as in emergency room at the hospital). Up until that point you will feel fine, but then from what I've read you will start experiencing crippling pain and eventually full liver failure.
 
I don't think there is any honorable way out if you commit suicide. It will devastate the people left on the planet that cared for you and loved you. To suggest that is simply a waste. Did you also know that there is a 25% mortality rate from gun shot wounds? Even if you shoot yourself in the head and paramedics get to you in time, you'll end up a vegitable for the rest of your life. I certainly wouldn't impose that on anyone. Not even my worst enemy let alone a person in distress.

The repreprecussions of suicide are unbearable. I've had two close friends go out that way, it was their time to go. I can't begin to describe the suffering and pain they had in their lives, but I think they are finally free now and after a long time I've come to accept that. It's taken me 2 years under which I've been suicidal myself, I was lost and had nowhere or noone to turn to with my private matters and nobody I could simply say "hey let's go catch a movie" and they'd come to me straight away, vice versa. Then it happened again with another close friend of mine in 2011, and it plunged me into the depths of hell on earth. Perhaps she didn't think we were that close, when in reality she was all I had again. She died a cruel, painful and selfless death. I wonder to this day if she really understood how final her decision was, and whether she really wanted to die. I always say to myself it was accident but even recalling the time I first heard about her passing I still get teary eyed. She meant the world to me and just like that, one day I'm talking to her drunk off my face and having a laugh, the next she's gone. Life is so precious you can't imagine. I waited for a message for her all day after I heard. I texted her frantically and called her phone because I was in shock and simply couldn't believe it. It didn't make sense. I knew she was sad and upset but I never thought she would do that.

I still face an endless struggle with making friends today. I think they will all leave me or abandon me in someway and I'm not ready for it again. I don't know if I could take it again. I currently have one best friend left apart from my girlfriend and he nearly overdosed and died recently. If he had of gone, I think I would have lost my mind. Suicide wouldn't be an option, but I'd definitely end up down the road of the shadow of doubts so to speak. People don't recognise what it does to the ones around them. I can't imagine how their parents feel, although they were rotten characters.

I'd never contemplate it again unless I knew my time had come. I wasn't ready to go the times I'd tried. I think ultimately its in Gods hands who stays and who goes. When my time comes it does, and I can't escape it. But then, and now, and forever more ill fight to the bitter end even if it brings me pain. For all the pain I've suffered, the good times and the positives will always make up for them.

May you rest in peace my two beloveds - and ill see you on the flip side when the time comes. Ill never forget you.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
I think at the back of your mind you don't really want to die and maybe that's why subconsciously you aren't trying hard enough. Don't get me wrong, that's a good thing and it's a good sign but I think you should get help.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top