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Why women try to change (us) men?

That is a social construct.

Women try to change their partners because those partners seem to be extensions of themselves. Women like to have the approval of other women--even women they don't know--regarding the value of their SO.

I agree that this is more about gratifying one's own needs, and not accepting a person for who they are. I know I go out of my way to accept a woman's minor faults and all. We all have them.

I'm not suggesting that trying to improve a serious relationship has no value. I just wonder if many women realize they are really just using a relationship to empower themselves.

Sometimes I think it is a transformation of agression that is poorly expressed. But that is really just my personal opinion based on my own experiences.

:)
 
The premise of this thread is flawed.

A better question to ask is why people try to change people, because everyone is doing it and it's not confined to women.

The answer is that they think something that they don't like is coming from outside of them, when really it's inside of them. Anything that challenges you, annoys, disgusts or depresses you, is rooted in you, and not what you are looking at. You are simply projecting. Neuroscience confirms this.

Instead of trying to edit the image in front of you (the other person), you need to remove the lint from the lens itself (you).
 
Foreigner hit the nail on the head.

It really is often about projection.

Or something like that. :)
 
I don't think anyone gets into a relationship with an upfront notion of wanting to change someone. Everyone has their quirks and different personality traits so it's essential that BOTH people adjust keep harmony in the relationship. When people are too stubborn to ever bend that's when unhealthy conflict can arise. A relationship is about compromise, it must occur on both sides though.
 
But, the issue always remains. One tries to mold another, sometimes excessively. Why?

It is important that both participants are fair and reasonable in their requests for healthy change through mature conflict resolution.

If not, then I say the relationship is doomed to a very long cycle of verbal jousting and hard feelings on both ends.
 
I have found myself trying to change a man too. Sometimes it helps and they thank you, but with some self-awareness I have found this practice to be a waste of energy.

This is why I now have NON-NEGOTIABLES.
Anything that is not on my list is *likely* to be acceptable.
Also I am not going to waste time trying to change someone. The difficult part is stopping myself from pursuing an attractive man (I am finding many) but from the get-go he doesn't meet all my criteria.

This holding out is going to pay off, one day.
 
Noodle said:
But, the issue always remains. One tries to mold another, sometimes excessively. Why?

It is important that both participants are fair and reasonable in their requests for healthy change through mature conflict resolution.

If not, then I say the relationship is doomed to a very long cycle of verbal jousting and hard feelings on both ends.
Click to expand...

I think people stay in unhealthy relationships because it's easier than facing the unknown. Trying to "train" someone you know feels easier than venturing out and starting all over with someone completely new. It's not a healthy mentality, and while some issues may find resolution there comes a point where one or both partners decide whether they are getting value from the relationship.

Why would anyone want to be in a relationship where they feel like their partner is trying to change everything about them? That's as important a question as asking why someone would want to change someone else.
 
purplefirefly said:
I think people stay in unhealthy relationships because it's easier than facing the unknown. Trying to "train" someone you know feels easier than venturing out and starting all over with someone completely new. It's not a healthy mentality, and while some issues may find resolution there comes a point where one or both partners decide whether they are getting value from the relationship.

Why would anyone want to be in a relationship where they feel like their partner is trying to change everything about them? That's as important a question as asking why someone would want to change someone else.
Click to expand...

Awesome post man! Its such a neglected subject yet what you say is so true. I dont think anyone can change for anylne else, it has to be for youself and even then.. it's hard to break decade long personal habbits.
 
I think the main thrust of the thread is more a question about what drives that common impulse to mold ones partner to fit among females.

Because it does seem more common from the the feminine side of the equation in my experience.

:)
 
Noodle said:
I think the main thrust of the thread is more a question about what drives that common impulse to mold ones partner to fit among females.

Because it does seem more common from the the feminine side of the equation in my experience.

:)
Click to expand...

I think it's a matter of perception. If men and women thought in the same ways then there wouldn't be volumes of literature written on the subject. The womans thought process when she vocalizes a request could be received differently in a way than was meant to by a man. The same goes for men and the way that women can interpret something that is said. The road goes both ways. Yes, in this instance the OP is speaking about women, but there are a lot of women out there (myself included) who have felt like a man wanted them to be someone different. I completely understand how unsettling the feeling can be.

What makes a man feel like he is being changed? What are the precise complaints? What changes are men opposed to making? I think the current question is too broad. Is it a question of putting the seat down after a going pee or is the requested change something bigger? It's easy to say "all women are the same, they always want to change men" but I think some clear examples would help facilitate this discussion.
 
Oh, I get that part pff. I really do.

I'm just trying to help out the OP. This is very very common, and I'm glad this topic is developing some very full and serious discussion.

:)
 
Breaking it down with examples is overcomplicating a very broad and simple question. That is a great way to debate a subject, but doesn't help us understand the core impulse--at the base--of why there is a very common drive to change a man.

Sure, I can put the seat down after peeing and then wash my hands. And a woman may ask me to do that.

But I wouldn't ask her to just look down before parking her bare butt in the bowl.

The whole "I don't want to touch the seat" thing doesn't really fly with me. Because that means "I" have to touch the seat.

I laugh when women bring up this subject of how the seat should be left after using the commode.

:D
 
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Purplefirefly, I was just joking because you left an opening. I was thinking about this right as I was trying to go to bed last night, and I think I came up with something. It's that people largely are fake to some degree when they meet each other. They have these filters and walls up, and fake smiles and fake laughter, and fake bonding goes on all the time. The degree of fakeness varies with each encounter, obviously, but it takes a while before people are completely comfortable with just being exactly who the fuck they are right off the bat.
This fakeness leads to certain ideas in the heads of the people who end up in relationships together. I've seen some friends just change instantly and completely the moment their "girlfriend" calls them on the phone, their voice changes, and I can't sense any hint of their true personality in the conversation. This leads to frustration over time and that's how things can get really bad for a relationship because people blow up with pent up anger and resentment.

I love the honey-moon period of a new relationship, it's such a fun, exhilarating feeling, but after that you have to just soberly deal with the person you wound up with. Many times people's rose colored glasses come off and then all the complaints are lodged and fights happen.

IDK if this is really obvious stuff or not, but it's just a train of thought I had right as I was putting my head on the pillow and trying to sleep.

EDIT: Oh yeah, and the additional though that I have for this post that addresses the OP more is that, on average, guys have to try a good deal harder to get laid and find relationships. These hurdles that we have to leap can cause us to act one way before we relax and let our guard down, and then perhaps a girl doesn't like the way a guy acts when he's too comfortable. It happens all the time. Obviously girls act certain ways too at first, but I find that guys are much more willing to put up with pettiness than girls are. Just from experience, I've seen girls always having a laundry list of complaints while guys just complain about the nagging mainly. It just has to do with the different thought processes that the different sexes have, and I'm just talking about averages here.
 
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I was being facetious too, coffeedrinker :)

I actually think what you said makes a lot of sense. There is a certain "fakeness" to new relationships and that could be a HUGE source of the "why are you trying to change me?" wound. If anyone grossly misrepresents who they are then they shouldn't be bitter about a developed expectation. For example, if a guy constantly lavishes his girl with attention and affection to win her over and then begins to slack off once the relationshp moves forward then of course she's going to ask "why can't you pay more attention to me?"

Maybe solid and healthy relationships contain partners that were more honest about how they are from the beginning.

Awesome points. I'm going to think on them a little more.
 
It is insulting that females change more in general?

This is why at a department store the womens section is 5x that of mens, cosmetics, eccentricities to wear or decorate their environment with, women talk more and are almost always making an audible noise including a sigh.

The list goes on and on and on.....

Seems the world would be a place entirely made up of cold factual reason and judgement, strictly primary colors and squares. Sharing emotion to promote change is something everybody needs to do, and women are much at better this then men.

An analogy could be that men are the four elements of grounded stability where as women are the fifth who bind and also create just enough of a stir to make those elements do more then just be, but active, thoughtful, of worth while contribution.

It is the most beautiful thing there is, and arguably the only thing worth dying for.

shrugs

_________
man build wall - women make worth looking at


___
" Their Tree of Life "

with their backs against a tree, they leaned in looking
up-wards - paused
in lieu of each others silence, out of respect for
what each other now sought.

how far do the roots of such trees grow he thought-
what songs do the birds sing from these branches,
she wondered.

she imagined further of the birds, and when they leave for the sky,
do they hear their song echo, or see a direction of light ...

he considered the ground, the feel and need of
roots and the rocks-
what minerals to draw, what water to find.

now, with their essence of thought&being conjoined,
in a ring in and around their tree-
leafs and buds will continue to grow, fall, fertilize
and spreadseed... their happened alliance -
a symbol now of growth into eternity.
 
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