why should i stay clean when dope is the only thing that makes me happy

[cosmicranch]

Last time I posted (and the first time) my boyfriend just od'd. Shortly after that we both went to jail and I've spent the last three months there. Now I'm out and a nervous wreck. Just found out today my landlord threw out all of my stuff. I'm staying with my parents who dont know what a bad drug addict I was (am). I have NO friends and basically only the clothes on my back. I got a little money and I hate life. I wanna get high so fucking bad cuz this is just too painful.. I want outa realityI dont even and the only way out is a big shot of dope! My boyfriend is going to prison... all my supposed friends stole my shit while I was in jail. I have no one to talk to and I'm NOT BETTER... Ya I'm clean, I've spent the last 2 years switchn from suboxone to dope and now I dont need either to be physically well but that doesnt take away from the fact that all I think about is getting fucked up. I feel like I'm in fifth grade again sneakin in my moms liquor when she is gone or in bed then I just get drunk and cry. I cant even leave the house to find a job because I'm a nervous fucking wreck. Oh I'm sure I could go to a meeting but I dont wanna cry in front of a bunch of strangers and I dont want people in this small town to know all my business. I have no faith, no shame, no willpower, no friends...I'm lying to everyone I see which consists of my grandma and my mom... I dont even know why im writing this. I thought about calling some hotline but they are just gonna tell me a bunch of shit I've already heard before...alot of good it's doing me. There are many reasons I started doing dope and they just keep piling up....

 

[Kipo]

I feel you. I did some stupid shit in the past that ive had bottled up inside. Nobody else knows the truth. I lost my family because of it and its killing me. Every christmas, thanksgiving, easter, it slowly eats away at me. Not only that, but i developed a bad drinking habbit. Passed out drunk at school twice, now im in my senior year, doing anything i can to scrape by. I probably wont graduate, i dont have a job, and im lying to everyone i know. The only thing i really have is my art, and i dont know where to start to promote it. Over the last few weeks ive realized, there really is no reason to stop. What you need to do is get out of the house and get a job. Save up money till you can get your own place, stick to cheaper drugs. No sense going on in life all patheticly, you gotta stand up and kick life in the ass. Maybe im being cliche, and who am I, a 18 year old to tell you this? I dont have the awnsers, but this is whats really best for you. You can either die and spend the rest of eternity in total blackness, or fix yourself up and make life worth it.

 

[theartofwar]

Yo i totally feel you. Heroin took my roof - family - friends - any shred of self respect i had - and I'm still scared shitless how much i love it it.

I can suggest you hit a meeting , find any people , you seem so alone, but you are not and you are not with that burden of addiction. It's worth a shot - dopeman will alwas be there it's america.

Best of luck to you.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

You can't expect other people to make your life work for you. That's why calling a hotline won't help. You have some problems you need to work on.

Why can't you leave the house to look for jobs? Are you too anxious to do this? If so, I would ask your mom or grandma (whichever one is more likely to help out) to take you to the doctor.

I take it you are still on Suboxone?

I think if you can get medication for anxiety, possibly only taking it every other day - or every day (if it's not a benzodiazepine, and I certainly wouldn't accept an SSRI or other addictive medication), along with Suboxone, you'll be more likely to want to get out of the house and find a job.

Have you considered trying methadone if Suboxone isn't cutting it for you?

Just think of it as, you have some problems you need to work on, and that's that. Working on problems can be hard but it can also be great to get over them and move on with your life. Think about all of what you can do to get out of the rut you may be in. :D

Calling a hotline and talking to people about your problems may make you feel better, which is certainly good if you are feeling suicidal or in deep trouble and are considering any type of self-harm, but avoiding working on your problems (which consists of anything which is not working on them, like getting money strictly to score, etc.) - isn't going to help.