Seimboz
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Jun 20, 2016
- Messages
- 41
I'm going to start this thread out by stating I don't condone suicide or self harm. I don't want to have this deleted I want to help. There's a lot more trouble in my past with substance abuse and things but i only want to try to get to the positive things.
So now I'm only 22. And I am a closed off person. I don't associate with family even though they try and i could honestly care less about them. I'm happy now...sort of but I haven't been for a while. I grew up normal played baseball as a kid I didn't grow up with my biological father but my step father who I refer to by his name. I can't even say dad without this strange feel I because I've never felt I had one.
My step dad and mom have a kid 2 years younger. So growing up I always resented him. Although now he's the only family member I love since we are grown.
I always slacked on school and just never cared. Not in the way most teens and kids say because "I'll never need this" I was just always distracted. Failed a couple classes in high school but never needed summer school and I always loved math.
My social skills are somewhat lacking and even to this day I only have about 3 friends and a girlfriend. Through school I never partied or did drugs.
So now the good stuff..
At at the age of 16 I started to lack empathy. Its ended in failed relationships. I loved to watch snuff videos and my favorite site was and still is bestgore. When people came to me with problems I usually ignored them. I felt alone after closing off relationships with friends and then my home life got rough. I found my self kicked out constantly having to sneak back in my own home. That's when the self harm happened I never found cutting fun but the feeling of being burned always gave me the chills. But after graduating in 2011 at the age of 17 I left home. I hopped on a bus with one suitcase and left for Baltimore. I will fast forward a year and a half later when I was forced to move back home. Being diagnosed with with bipolar disorder depression and anxiety it was hard to find friends. So at the beginning of 2013 I was able to hang out with a kid I have known since t ball. I will call him j. J was my only friend at this point besides one other person. J was born with aids but he was a pretty social fun guy. Charismatic and everyone loved him. Him and I shared a interest in suicide behind his smile was a dark person. Constantly we talked about ending our lives. Often saying if one of us kills ourselves the other should. Constantly talking about death and suicide all the time. He always said he wouldn't make it to 21. At the end of 2014 I was sitting on my porch. It was a beautiful day I was with my girlfriend. As my mom walked past she dropped a bombshell. J at the age of 19 hanged himself late last night. For months I was devastated. The only way I could force myself to see his body in a casket at a funeral was to get super high on oxy. I couldn't even get the will to go up to the casket. As hundreds of people filled the room I could only sit in back. Shortly after came the suicide attempt in the same manor and an od. I felt it was my fault we always talked about it yet I didn't do anything. The month before the suicide was the height of my depression pre suicide. I ignored everyone including him. I wasn't there for him so it left me more in despair and when I talked to his family they had no idea of this side of him. Me and one friend who we were both close with were the only ones. For a year it was constant pill bindges stealing and ripping people off for money. At the beginning of 2015 I had a moment of clarity and something clicked in my head. I wanted to help people. Before his death I was just lost. And in some way the suicide of a friend gave me a purpose. At times I feel horrible for feeling this way. And still suicide is on my mind on occasion. I don't talk about it with anyone but I guess that's why I'm here. Sort of
I work with people with developmental disabilities now. At the moment starting college soon to be a crisis counsellor. Its hard to see the fact that there is always a positive to even horrible things. The whole thing with my job now is to talk to people.
The point I want for this thread is to show the people on here to look on the positive. Maybe my story or someone else's who post here could help someone. Even save a life. Part of my job is giving people advice even if it is just to get to the next day so more than likely I will leave advice to those negative things. But everyone please feel free to post.
So now I'm only 22. And I am a closed off person. I don't associate with family even though they try and i could honestly care less about them. I'm happy now...sort of but I haven't been for a while. I grew up normal played baseball as a kid I didn't grow up with my biological father but my step father who I refer to by his name. I can't even say dad without this strange feel I because I've never felt I had one.
My step dad and mom have a kid 2 years younger. So growing up I always resented him. Although now he's the only family member I love since we are grown.
I always slacked on school and just never cared. Not in the way most teens and kids say because "I'll never need this" I was just always distracted. Failed a couple classes in high school but never needed summer school and I always loved math.
My social skills are somewhat lacking and even to this day I only have about 3 friends and a girlfriend. Through school I never partied or did drugs.
So now the good stuff..
At at the age of 16 I started to lack empathy. Its ended in failed relationships. I loved to watch snuff videos and my favorite site was and still is bestgore. When people came to me with problems I usually ignored them. I felt alone after closing off relationships with friends and then my home life got rough. I found my self kicked out constantly having to sneak back in my own home. That's when the self harm happened I never found cutting fun but the feeling of being burned always gave me the chills. But after graduating in 2011 at the age of 17 I left home. I hopped on a bus with one suitcase and left for Baltimore. I will fast forward a year and a half later when I was forced to move back home. Being diagnosed with with bipolar disorder depression and anxiety it was hard to find friends. So at the beginning of 2013 I was able to hang out with a kid I have known since t ball. I will call him j. J was my only friend at this point besides one other person. J was born with aids but he was a pretty social fun guy. Charismatic and everyone loved him. Him and I shared a interest in suicide behind his smile was a dark person. Constantly we talked about ending our lives. Often saying if one of us kills ourselves the other should. Constantly talking about death and suicide all the time. He always said he wouldn't make it to 21. At the end of 2014 I was sitting on my porch. It was a beautiful day I was with my girlfriend. As my mom walked past she dropped a bombshell. J at the age of 19 hanged himself late last night. For months I was devastated. The only way I could force myself to see his body in a casket at a funeral was to get super high on oxy. I couldn't even get the will to go up to the casket. As hundreds of people filled the room I could only sit in back. Shortly after came the suicide attempt in the same manor and an od. I felt it was my fault we always talked about it yet I didn't do anything. The month before the suicide was the height of my depression pre suicide. I ignored everyone including him. I wasn't there for him so it left me more in despair and when I talked to his family they had no idea of this side of him. Me and one friend who we were both close with were the only ones. For a year it was constant pill bindges stealing and ripping people off for money. At the beginning of 2015 I had a moment of clarity and something clicked in my head. I wanted to help people. Before his death I was just lost. And in some way the suicide of a friend gave me a purpose. At times I feel horrible for feeling this way. And still suicide is on my mind on occasion. I don't talk about it with anyone but I guess that's why I'm here. Sort of
I work with people with developmental disabilities now. At the moment starting college soon to be a crisis counsellor. Its hard to see the fact that there is always a positive to even horrible things. The whole thing with my job now is to talk to people.
The point I want for this thread is to show the people on here to look on the positive. Maybe my story or someone else's who post here could help someone. Even save a life. Part of my job is giving people advice even if it is just to get to the next day so more than likely I will leave advice to those negative things. But everyone please feel free to post.
