Always done M rectal, don't have the guts to IV pills anymore. Have been IVing bupe maybe 30 times or so, and Ritalin a few times. But if these M pills were bigger so I didnt have to make a solution from loads of pills all the binders I would probably IV to be honest.
ANyuway, the last day of my latest Mophine binge I ended up doing 450 mg morphine rectally, 1200mg pregabalin orally, and 600 mg tramadol orally. And I was just decently high, mild nodding. My tolerance seems to increase very steady even tho I've been using 1-3 weeks on 1-2 weeks off the last few months. I use thinsg like lope, tram, and benzos between these cycles. Sometimes I manage 2-3 days without anything when I must. I have to leave urine and other stuff for a while and if I'd get busted I'd go to jail and lose my home atm so I have to lay low. But opiates and opioids is the only thing I enjoy life these days. TBH been like for many years now. I'm ridicilosuly depressed when I'm clean. Been clean for 3 months 2 times when I was in treatment during the last 2 years and I always end up at the same point after the most intense withdrawal etc is over. Feeling completely dead inside more or less getting more obsessed with my "cure" for every day I manage to stay clean.
OH yeah I'm from Scandinavia if my english seem off.
EDIT: WANT TO EDIT SOMETHING JUST TO BE CLEAR. Normally I don't really chase heavy intense high from my opis, I just wanna be content, "normal", peace of mind, safe. But those days when I have to use more than normally just to reach that first basic level I tend to go nuts and just push it because I've been "wasting" soo much anyway and I want to be worth it somehow if you get my drift. The last time I really got where I wanted to be "high-wise" was January. But don't misunderstand this, I truelly LOVE to get "well", to get rid of my feelings of despair, doom, stress etc. But after a few days I usually start to chase something more. We all been there.
Also want to add that I really want to be able to stay clean for real but reality is I was a wreckin so many ways WAY WAY before I started doing drugs in any form, was a wreck from early childhood intense suffering in various expressions/forms/feelings/thoughts is what I've been feeling as long as I can remember. Feelings of despair, loneliness, hopelesness, apathy, hate, rage, fear, social phobias, anxiety, intense stress, paranoia etc etc combined with whatever manic obsession I happened to develop for some kind of escape of reality. Could'nt trust people, couldn't connect with people, still can't. But that only worked til my early teens (manic obsessions to focus on) and after that I've been more dead inside every year that passes and now I'm in my 20s and my life is just as messed up as always but atleast I have a place to live in which I haven't had for 2 years before that. Bit I can't see nothing, feel nothing, think about something, theorize about something even, to justifty my existance except than the knowledge that I always can use this when it get's too rough, this is the only safety I know. This is the only thing that has helped my during my lifetime. TRUELY. Not just empty words.
But what the hell, I happy to have a very mild level of use these days, and having a place to live, I want to improve on it. But I try and try and always end up in the same place, just too much pain for me too handle, I get so scared I get paralyzed with fear of the things I feel inside my head when I have been clean for a little time. I feel like I'm losing grip with reality and this brings me back. Maybe I'm just weak but what difference does it make?
