Biohazardess
Greenlighter
Well, im on page one.. Actually i guess im in the preface because im not clean right now... But hear me out....
Ive withdrawn from (in order of occurance) opiates in general, speed, speed again, morphine specifically, heroin, heroin again, methadone and finally dilaudad. Ive been thru ALOT and these battles have been going down sense i was 13, well over half my life. But when i quit methadone, in November, i was desperate to keep a promise id made to my best friend who had passed away the previous November. So i started doing speed again. I am a single mother of 2 and I simply didnt feel i could do it sober without help that was not available. I took my last dose of methadone on the 24th after a couple months of tapering myself down without letting the clinic know i wasnt taking all of my 6 weekly takehome doses. I had smoked speed a couple of times to help me get thru the sniffles and lethargy from the tapering and i already knew that complete methadone abstinence is incredibly painful and can cause physical reactions that effect other things in your body and can kill you under the right circumstance or in the event of relapse. So... After i took my last dose of methadone and handed over my hidden stash to my friend so i would not be able take any but would know it was still available if needed, i decided to once again, after 2 years off heroin, pick up a needle again to inject speed. I went on a mind blowing binge with my boyfriend where we had alot of fun, stayed up for 8 or more days at a time and ended up deadbolting ourselves in the bedroom for most of every day and i had found an old friend who i knew sold shit to get ours from and hed front me an 8 ball "to sell" for the most insane price id seen. We went thru an 8 ball about every 36 hrs during that period from end of November to first week of January... At that point we were forced to slow down a bit, as my friend cut me off at the request of someone else who knew how fucked off i was. Anyhow at the very end of january i started getting sick... I continued to use, as id developed quite a problem and because the guy i was with is simply intollerable off drugs. On feb 7 i had been in bed with what i knew was an infection from an ingrown hair on my right groin/hip, and a high fever for 3 or 4 days, could hardly stand up from the swelling in the abcess and my skin was noticeably grey even too me. Im a picker and i also pull my hair out, and i created sores all over my head and neck and my face during the time i was just starting to get sick. He kept saying i needed to see a doctor but im stubborn and i wasnt in the right mindset at all... So i took a video of the sores on my neck and upon seeing the severity i panicked, gave in and i went to the ER scared to death they were going to lance it and it would hurt and overall, looking back, i was not rationally thinking this thru at all but i knew something was wrong and was deathly afraid to know what it was.... Oh and then theres the drugs.. I had to come clean about the drugs to my mom because she was giving me a ride and being id been so dehydrated and feverish, i had bruises where my tract marks are from the shots id done those couple bad days.
The doctor who saw me was suprised id walked in there by myself after he had examined me... After several tests and some poking around, a CAT scan of my abdominal area and Hours of waiting, he didnt feel comfortable about what it was and decided to draw fluid from the center of the abcess to get a culture done. It was very weird. One of the docs had drawn around the expansion of the redness and swelling with a permanent marker and by the time they took the fluid for the culture it had spread well outside those marks and started down onto my upper thigh. Surgery. They tell me im having surgery to drain this area because its too large to do with local anesthesia... I was in so much pain and fevrish again and i panicked.
Ok so this is really late on Thursday night right... They give me a shot of ativan for my panic attack and then... I remember waking up to these people pulling something that felt really big from my throat. I saw my mom and the man who ended up being my surgeon and he said "you are one very lucky young lady" and walked out. It was sunday evening. I had been in a coma for 3 days, in isolation, intubated and had been rushed to emergency surgery because when the surgeon on call came in to check me out for surgery while i was asleep, they decided i had MRSA. There was an opened wound in the crease of my hip from my hip bone to down between my legs. It was 11 3/4" long, 8 1/2" across the widest part and 3" deep at the deepest part. It hurt.
So... I spent 4 days in ICU, and 3 weeks and 2 days in the hospital for malnutrition and wound care. I left my home town and moved here to live with my ex, The father of my girls. While i was in the hospital my then boyfriend who only came too see me 3 times, had gotten rid of, traded or sold all if my furniture, and most of my other belongings including parting out my car and trading my blue pitbull, Claire who is a trained guard dog, for dope...
I was released from the hospital Homeless and given 30 vics to replace the 2 mg iv dilaudad id been given every 2 hrs and 1 norco every 4 hrs, ativan 3 times per day and ambien every night for the duration of my stay. Panic stricken again from firsthand knowledge of coming off opiates, and being in legitament Pain, my father got me a hotel room for a week while i figured out where to go and i didnt last 2 hrs being off speed. My boyfriend had been shown how to change my bandages and wound packing so when he did a shot in front of me, i immediately asked for some. I hurt so bad and was very afraid of where id end up...
He ended up leaving me alone in the hotel room. He got his tax return and decided to bail because he purchased 28 hits of acid and i requested that he not trip while i needed him to help me just to stand up... He left on wednesday, 4 days after i got out and by saturday i was on my way here with my kids dad, to whom i am still legally married. Im in the process of admission to a rehab center in Austin, but my wound, tho its healing very quicky, is still 5" long and 2 1/2" across, about 1/2" deep. Due to the diagnosis of MSSA/Necrotizing Fasciitis, which is the NON antibiotic resistant form of MRSA, and stems from staph infection, they cant allow me in Any facility until it is healed enough to not need packing anymore. I do understand, as the showers are shared and if it got infected again, its highly contagious. I am also having to pack and dress it daily and due to its location that requires an amount of privacy they cannot give in a drug rehab.
In the mean time, i have used almost daily but ive kept it minimal and i sleep Alot. The speed helps the pain and gives me the energy to get up and do things around the house. Im here alone more often than not and i cant stand being stuck in bed on top of stuck in this house, no ride and know Noone. I am using clean rigs and taking precautions that i never took before.
Im going to die if i dont stop using drugs.. I WANT to quit, I just cant do it without help and i feel that ive been offered a second chance to be a mother and (maybe even a good wife) and while i will have an extensive scar, i am lucky to have my leg at all.. Im lucky to have survived. I know it appears that i learned nothing from this but within a month, ill be clean. Im looking at the end of April as my admit time based on how fast this is closing up.
In the time i have to wait, im going to hang out right here in SL and BL trying to manage the risk and stay inspired and looking foreward to living clean. Its intimidating as hell, but is the only option i feel i have left if i wanna continue on with breathing.
I am Ready to let this go.
Ive withdrawn from (in order of occurance) opiates in general, speed, speed again, morphine specifically, heroin, heroin again, methadone and finally dilaudad. Ive been thru ALOT and these battles have been going down sense i was 13, well over half my life. But when i quit methadone, in November, i was desperate to keep a promise id made to my best friend who had passed away the previous November. So i started doing speed again. I am a single mother of 2 and I simply didnt feel i could do it sober without help that was not available. I took my last dose of methadone on the 24th after a couple months of tapering myself down without letting the clinic know i wasnt taking all of my 6 weekly takehome doses. I had smoked speed a couple of times to help me get thru the sniffles and lethargy from the tapering and i already knew that complete methadone abstinence is incredibly painful and can cause physical reactions that effect other things in your body and can kill you under the right circumstance or in the event of relapse. So... After i took my last dose of methadone and handed over my hidden stash to my friend so i would not be able take any but would know it was still available if needed, i decided to once again, after 2 years off heroin, pick up a needle again to inject speed. I went on a mind blowing binge with my boyfriend where we had alot of fun, stayed up for 8 or more days at a time and ended up deadbolting ourselves in the bedroom for most of every day and i had found an old friend who i knew sold shit to get ours from and hed front me an 8 ball "to sell" for the most insane price id seen. We went thru an 8 ball about every 36 hrs during that period from end of November to first week of January... At that point we were forced to slow down a bit, as my friend cut me off at the request of someone else who knew how fucked off i was. Anyhow at the very end of january i started getting sick... I continued to use, as id developed quite a problem and because the guy i was with is simply intollerable off drugs. On feb 7 i had been in bed with what i knew was an infection from an ingrown hair on my right groin/hip, and a high fever for 3 or 4 days, could hardly stand up from the swelling in the abcess and my skin was noticeably grey even too me. Im a picker and i also pull my hair out, and i created sores all over my head and neck and my face during the time i was just starting to get sick. He kept saying i needed to see a doctor but im stubborn and i wasnt in the right mindset at all... So i took a video of the sores on my neck and upon seeing the severity i panicked, gave in and i went to the ER scared to death they were going to lance it and it would hurt and overall, looking back, i was not rationally thinking this thru at all but i knew something was wrong and was deathly afraid to know what it was.... Oh and then theres the drugs.. I had to come clean about the drugs to my mom because she was giving me a ride and being id been so dehydrated and feverish, i had bruises where my tract marks are from the shots id done those couple bad days.
The doctor who saw me was suprised id walked in there by myself after he had examined me... After several tests and some poking around, a CAT scan of my abdominal area and Hours of waiting, he didnt feel comfortable about what it was and decided to draw fluid from the center of the abcess to get a culture done. It was very weird. One of the docs had drawn around the expansion of the redness and swelling with a permanent marker and by the time they took the fluid for the culture it had spread well outside those marks and started down onto my upper thigh. Surgery. They tell me im having surgery to drain this area because its too large to do with local anesthesia... I was in so much pain and fevrish again and i panicked.
Ok so this is really late on Thursday night right... They give me a shot of ativan for my panic attack and then... I remember waking up to these people pulling something that felt really big from my throat. I saw my mom and the man who ended up being my surgeon and he said "you are one very lucky young lady" and walked out. It was sunday evening. I had been in a coma for 3 days, in isolation, intubated and had been rushed to emergency surgery because when the surgeon on call came in to check me out for surgery while i was asleep, they decided i had MRSA. There was an opened wound in the crease of my hip from my hip bone to down between my legs. It was 11 3/4" long, 8 1/2" across the widest part and 3" deep at the deepest part. It hurt.
So... I spent 4 days in ICU, and 3 weeks and 2 days in the hospital for malnutrition and wound care. I left my home town and moved here to live with my ex, The father of my girls. While i was in the hospital my then boyfriend who only came too see me 3 times, had gotten rid of, traded or sold all if my furniture, and most of my other belongings including parting out my car and trading my blue pitbull, Claire who is a trained guard dog, for dope...
I was released from the hospital Homeless and given 30 vics to replace the 2 mg iv dilaudad id been given every 2 hrs and 1 norco every 4 hrs, ativan 3 times per day and ambien every night for the duration of my stay. Panic stricken again from firsthand knowledge of coming off opiates, and being in legitament Pain, my father got me a hotel room for a week while i figured out where to go and i didnt last 2 hrs being off speed. My boyfriend had been shown how to change my bandages and wound packing so when he did a shot in front of me, i immediately asked for some. I hurt so bad and was very afraid of where id end up...
He ended up leaving me alone in the hotel room. He got his tax return and decided to bail because he purchased 28 hits of acid and i requested that he not trip while i needed him to help me just to stand up... He left on wednesday, 4 days after i got out and by saturday i was on my way here with my kids dad, to whom i am still legally married. Im in the process of admission to a rehab center in Austin, but my wound, tho its healing very quicky, is still 5" long and 2 1/2" across, about 1/2" deep. Due to the diagnosis of MSSA/Necrotizing Fasciitis, which is the NON antibiotic resistant form of MRSA, and stems from staph infection, they cant allow me in Any facility until it is healed enough to not need packing anymore. I do understand, as the showers are shared and if it got infected again, its highly contagious. I am also having to pack and dress it daily and due to its location that requires an amount of privacy they cannot give in a drug rehab.
In the mean time, i have used almost daily but ive kept it minimal and i sleep Alot. The speed helps the pain and gives me the energy to get up and do things around the house. Im here alone more often than not and i cant stand being stuck in bed on top of stuck in this house, no ride and know Noone. I am using clean rigs and taking precautions that i never took before.
Im going to die if i dont stop using drugs.. I WANT to quit, I just cant do it without help and i feel that ive been offered a second chance to be a mother and (maybe even a good wife) and while i will have an extensive scar, i am lucky to have my leg at all.. Im lucky to have survived. I know it appears that i learned nothing from this but within a month, ill be clean. Im looking at the end of April as my admit time based on how fast this is closing up.
In the time i have to wait, im going to hang out right here in SL and BL trying to manage the risk and stay inspired and looking foreward to living clean. Its intimidating as hell, but is the only option i feel i have left if i wanna continue on with breathing.
I am Ready to let this go.
. I think you may have ended up here for a reason. I send all of my love to you rite now, with all you have been through you can have all the love I have. Addiction and what it does can make us think and feel things that are so far off base it can make us sick. I love your courage and your determination, I love how you realized that you have a second chance, and are realistic in looking at it as possibly the last one. I love your hope, you know that all isn't lost, hell nothings lost that can't be found... hold on to that so tight that it NEVER gets away. Living clean is not something you should be afraid of, I live clean and am so happy that I am literally terrified of living in addiction. but since you seem to have a little time on your hands, maybe think over and share a couple things. If you feel up to it or when you feel up to it, if something hurts a little or to bad back off it then. Why do you use drugs, what are you afraid of about living sober, what would be the best things about living clean, and what makes you the beautiful person you are, forget about the addiction and what it caused, what about you? Your doing great, you can do this, great people get swallowed buy addiction, you just need to find away to have it spit you back out,, hint, addiction hates the taste of people who realize they are beautiful after all it tells them they are not.. Think about and write those suggestions if you think it may help.. Hang in there its a long road back nut its easy if you realx, keep at it, and have some patience
