Why don't I really want to quit?

[wooger]

So I have had a mild/moderate benzo habit for about a year now (20mg diazepam a day at the moment) and as I have told myself so often, its time to quit!

Just now I have handed all my benzo dealings to my dad... I don't really want to quit. Even tho I know its fucking up my brain.... I have had several people and myself notice how much 'slower' I have become mentally and I doubt they are doing me much good anxiety wise now so why am I beginning to resent him for trying to get me off this stuff?

Sorry if my post is a bit obscure, I'm just feeling like 'meh' about it, like I know I need to get off them, but the idea of my lil pills being taken away from me is something I cant really fathom....should I just quit quitting? ahhh I'm prolly just rambling... sorry.

 

[DooMMooD]

Probably because you have faced no negative repercussions from drug use. Hence your brain (even subconsciously) says: "why the fuck would I quit? Wheres the need to?"

Just one thought. People dont change if the results are the same every time in their favor.

 

[Missykins]

I see how you're ambivalent about quitting, that's not uncommon. You are in the contemplative stage. Can you imagine your life without the drug? What would that life look like?

 

[spork]

Wooger! It's good to see you back here!

I've been kind of going through the same thing as you except with clonazepam and alprazolam instead of the diazepam. Last week I accidentally put myself in minor benzo withdrawals and yeah after that I was like...fuck this, I think I'm going to just stay on benzos forever. I still know that I need to give them up eventually, but definitely not cold turkey. When you're dependent on something it's extremely hard to come to terms with the fact that you might have to give it up some day.

I'd definitely suggest for you to do a slow taper rather than quitting cold turkey. This is especially important for benzos as the withdrawal effects can be really dangerous. Are you prescribed to the diazepam? If you are, you should talk to your doctor about having them put you on a taper program that will work for you.

Best of luck, I know this isn't easy for you.

 

[villian]

Didn't you kick a benzo habit in the past once already? I was on them for 10 years and didn't quit until I had my sixth seizure and destroyed yet another relationship so I know where you are coming from. Withdrawal can be so rough it actually seems staying on the pills is the lesser of two evils. I dealt with the cognitive dysfunction that comes with them as well.

I have a bit over two years off benzos now and I am enrolled full time in university, something I never could of even contemplated when on the pills. You will get back to your old self but it is a long hard road. I really recommend starting a taper and doing some soul searching about what benefits that you truly get from these meds.

Good luck man.

 

[ProfessorBananas]

I feel for you. I've had alot of negative repercussions from opiate abuse and I still find myself wanting to use every day. I can except that I was killing myself and ruining my life but I still have a hard time accepting that I may be able to enjoy myself/function without them. If you feel like you need to quit I would advise you to go with your instincts about it though.

 

[DemonSeed]

In most cases, a year of use will give you very little or mild withdrawals... which is why you are wondering if you should continue. Well if you do... there will come a time when you will suffer intense long-lasting withdrawals. I think you should try to fear (in a positive way!) what could awaits you. I have been in your position and I continued to use to the point there was no positive effects in the end and just negative. For 2-3 months, I could not sleep or very little, I had debilating chest pain, I was sweating, I had hot flushes, I was restless and even suicidal. I could not beleive it was not ending... everything seemed fake and unreal. Ask yourself if it's worth it, if those "gains" are worth it in the end? Make a list of the positive / negatives of using, of the advantages / disvantages of using and not using... think and re-consider your use of diazepam. Instill the idea that BENZO = POISON. Good luck... if you fail (I sure did!), do not be too hard on yourself, try again and again and again.

 

[badfish45]

I feel like your feelings on the matter will change with time, but even though it's hardest to do, it's smartest to quit now knowing that you might have to face some hefty consequences in the future. It'd be smartest to quit right now without even having to give yourself that much of a reason to quit, I'm sure many people on this forum who have hit a true rock bottom with their drug addictions would have wished they never had to experience that, even if it is what made them change in the first place. Of course, right now it will still be difficult but just consider the things that people are saying in this thread. I think you'll find it much easier on yourself to quit now, even though it doesn't feel like it. Unfortunately, delaying quitting an addiction only gives it time to nurture and grow.