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Why Does This Break Hurt SO Much?

M

Metamorpheus

Bluelighter
Joined
Sep 21, 2023
Messages
51
So I had been friends with a woman who I’ve always found really and I mean really attractive through work for at least 2 years. Thought she was out of my league - she’s 27 I’m 44. After spending a few months taking ketamine together fairly regularly the night came when we kissed. It felt like a dream (surprise surprise) and then spent the night together.

I was happier than I’ve ever been. We kept it out of work and had a great time from end of Aug to early Oct. Out of the blue my youngest daughters mum contacts me to ask if I’m using again. I say no. She puts me on the spot like she know something so I give her the run down honestly and say that I’ve been getting hypomanic for a few months (I have bipolar). She doesn’t accept this and ends up threatening to inform work what she thinks I’m doing. They know I’m a recovering addict and we work for the same company.

From there I become manic and it’s the worst episode I’ve had. After 2 months of that, she ends the relationship. It’s like my heart was torn out and set alight. Got back together for less than 2 weeks with me believing we’d ironed out the issues. Then I’m dumped again.

She’s definitely an avoidant and I can see why knowing her history. I don’t resent her and I still love her. I’m honestly in pain every day and there hasn’t been an hour I haven’t thought of her/cried over her since the split.

I know I’m likely to get a few “ suck it up, she wasn’t worth your love and now ya gotta move on” type comments and that’s fine, I’m really trying. I need to vent and to hear from others who have gone through similar. I genuinely haven’t had my heart broken like this in over 20 years.
 
They are. Especially when you’re truly ready to commit to someone and I was. Things are shifting a bit and I can see my need for security and safety wasn’t being met - I’m sure she felt less safe with me to after my illness surfaced. However, I always knew I’d get better once my meds kicked in. I hate how I have to rewrite the narrative I had of ‘us’ to simply get over her though - before we split I really thought I’d found one of the most unique and important people in my life. Now she’s just somebody that I used to know.
 
Metamorpheus said:
I know I’m likely to get a few “ suck it up, she wasn’t worth your love and now ya gotta move on” type comments and that’s fine, I’m really trying. I need to vent and to hear from others who have gone through similar. I genuinely haven’t had my heart broken like this in over 20 years.
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Loss is one of the human experiences that will always confuse me. For some reason we have to lose what we love. There is that line from the song Angel From Montgomery "just give me one thing that I can hold onto".

The Love comes from you. Not the object. Take that love and spread it out. I am always remembered of the Great Gatsby. Perfect proof that just because we think we love a person (object) does not mean we need to live it out or that the love comes from them.

I mean this is why we have songs. :) Feel it. Analyze it, but realize that love comes from you and not the ex girlfriend. I won't say suck it up as that is unkind. But I will tell you to take the key to your heart back, focus on yourself and you will be amazed at how you will grow past this and then be happy you did. Grieving is good and don't let anyone tell you differently. It will lessen and then it will happen again with someone else. So if you feel like grieving then do so. But just analyze the feelings. We get our answers if we listen. Sometimes it takes a lot of time to understand if at all. But every experience helps us to grow.

You will feel much better in the weeks to come if you tend to your grieving and turn that love back on yourself.
 
Thanks Jackaroe, I’m really aware that the love I gave was in me and not her and I’m amazed at how much I’m able to give. It’s reassuring and goes to show how being sober allows me to feel it and centre it on others. And really, I still love her, just not as closely or with as much need for reciprocation. I can see her beauty but know at the same time she has a fair amount of growing to do to be able to be open and vulnerable enough to ask for what she needs in a relationship - if she’d just of shown me I would of been happy to give it.
 
TheUltimateFixx said:
Are you on any medication to stabilise your mood swings? Like lithium?
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Hey Fixx, yep I’m on Lamotrigine at the moment. It seems to help a lot with the depression which was causing a lot of suicidal ideation. I was taking Valproate for a while but came to think it was possibly keeping me too far from having heightened emotions…we’ll see, it’s only been a week or so that I’ve cut it out. If things start moving towards hypomania I’ll start it again.
 
Metamorpheus said:
Hey Fixx, yep I’m on Lamotrigine at the moment. It seems to help a lot with the depression which was causing a lot of suicidal ideation. I was taking Valproate for a while but came to think it was possibly keeping me too far from having heightened emotions…we’ll see, it’s only been a week or so that I’ve cut it out. If things start moving towards hypomania I’ll start it again.
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I'm asking because is there any chance if you can tell her you're stable that she might be willing to consider a relationship with you again -?
I'm also a bit confused here; on the one hand you seemed to be saying you really had something special with that woman and then you say it was just your own infatuation and not actually reciprocated 😶
 
I think she’s past that tbh, she doesn’t want me texting her anymore and from what I know of her, once it’s over it’s over. She takes her own recovery and mental health very seriously and I’d likely be too much of a gamble in that. Plus with the age gap and me having kids, I’m pretty sure it’s all a bit much for her. Maybe somewhere down the line we’ll meet again but for now it’s better for me to work with it being truly over.

We definitely had something really special Fixx, I was meaning that nowadays I still love her but without so much of the need of her reciprocating it. She was, by her own words anyway, in love with me too. I tend to think her idea of love was very different from mine. These days I don’t say ‘I love you’ unless I’m extremely committed and that wasn’t something I felt from her once things got difficult.
 
Sometimes when you just go fuck it it's over you heal faster.
Start focusing on yourself and create some goals.

I always love a 5 year plan goal. I look at all my friends colleagues 5 or 10 years older than me and think where would I like to be at that same age. Then I aim for it.

When I have a fkn partner all my life goals go down the drain. So that's why you focus on you now ad be grateful you can.

Easier said than done at the moment, I know... I know.
 
garygroundwork said:
When I have a fkn partner all my life goals go down the drain. So that's why you focus on you now ad be grateful you can.
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Same here. One of the reasons why I don't want a "live partner" anymore.

TheUltimateFixx said:
In a real partnership you shouldn't get distracted from life goals, but help each other towards achieving them. Just sayin'.
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That would be the theoretical ideal situation. But in real life very difficult to have. And if you have not so common life goals almost impossible to find that one person who will go with it.
 
I remember thinking our life goals were pretty damn similar so we could help each other achieve them. But yeah, like you say, sometimes you’ve gotta say fuck it. Now I e got to get myself out of this shitty depression that I’ve fallen into.
 
One of the issues here that makes it even tougher is that you are 44 and depending on where you live of course ingest harder and harder to find the 'right' one.

But it is what it is brother. Look after you, be kind to yourself and put your attention somewhere else now e.g-money, exercise, side hustle, work, travel, hobbies etc

You will be good in time.
 
I think break ups hit us (those with drug problems, history of drug abuse or addictive personalities) much harder than the average person.

A breakup feels like drug withdrawal in some ways.

I've lost my shit when a girlfriend I didn't care much about at all (or even liked or was attracted to) broke up with me. For me its the suddenness of it; that feeling of calling her over and over again and she won't pick up, leaving her messages, trying to get her back etc. It creates this sense of anxiety in me, panic. I didnt want her back, I was just accustomed to someone being there, and when they suddenly weren't, I essentially went into withdrawal. I

I think for people who arent prone to addiction, don't have an addictive personality etc, they are able to handle it better. But us addicts are more likely to take it much harder. And of course, our coping skills are worse than the average person,
 
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negrogesic said:
I think break ups hit us (those with drug problems, history of drug abuse or addictive personalities) much harder than the average person.

A breakup feels like drug withdrawal in some ways.

I've lost my shit when a girlfriend I didn't care much about at all (or even liked or was attracted to) broke up with me. For me its the suddenness of it; that feeling of calling her over and over again and she won't pick up, leaving her messages, trying to get her back etc. It creates this sense of anxiety in me, panic. I didnt want her back, I was just accustomed to someone being there, and when they suddenly weren't, I essentially went into withdrawal. I

I think for people who arent prone to addiction, don't have an addictive personality etc, they are able to handle it better. But us addicts are more likely to take it much harder. And of course, our coping skills are worse than the average person,
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Yep, I agree. I’ve got a pretty messed up attachment style (disorganised avoidant) alongside a long history of addiction. There are studies that show a breakup causes very similar changes to heroin withdrawal with the lack of similar neurotransmitters and it certainly feels like that. Even when I know logically that we weren’t working and I was getting pretty fed up with her going hot and cold, I just can’t shake this sense of emptiness and longing. I still fucking talk to her every day either in my head or out loud- it’s driving me nuts. I wondered whether this a form of self abuse this morning, I’m honestly just pretty lost in it all.

And yeah, being 44 doesn’t help matters! I’m lucky in that most people think I’m in my 30’s so I’ve got that going for me 😅 Inside however, I’m TOO aware of getting older. I can really understand why the suicide rate for men in their 40’s is so high.
 
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