• S E X
    L O V E +
    R E L A T I O N S H I P S


    ❤️ Welcome Guest! ❤️


    Posting Guidelines Bluelight Rules
  • SLR Moderators: Senior Staff

Why do gay/bi people NEED to come out?

^if i was gay, i would have no problem with being affectionate out in public.

...but then again i suppose im used to being a 'spectacle,' i have long hair (rare in my area), and my girlfriend is 6' with bright orange hair. we both dress fairly outlandishly.. so people often stare. if someone makes an issue out of it, they can get bent.

i mean, if i kiss my girl and someone comments, ill usually tell them to shove it. this happened last night at a concert..

with women it might be an issue, but lol... most of the gay guys i know i SURE AS HELL wouldnt fuck with. (theyre all into bodybuilding type stuff)
 
Raz said:
When you're part of the majority, anything bad you do is a deviation from that majority. When you're part of a minority, anything bad you do is proof of why that minority is bad in the first place...
Click to expand...

All of your post rocked, Raz, but the last part - quoted above - is just perfect.
 
Last edited:
How do you expect to find the person you want to spend the rest of your life with if you don't come out?
(*edit: I'm about to go to bed, so if this question has been raised before in this thread I'm sorry, I havent read it all)
 
discopupils said:
How do you expect to find the person you want to spend the rest of your life with if you don't come out?
Click to expand...

You could meet some guy you really like and you wouldn't necessarily have to have come out to them in order to like them would you?

It's quite possible - indeed I'd say it happens all the time - to seriously fall for someone, I mean fall in love even, before they know you properly and if you're a guy and fall for another guy - straight or gay, doesn't immediately matter - you don't have to even tell them you love them do you?

I'm playing devil's advocate here and realise I'm perhaps being a teensy bit facetious but just wanted to show discopupils' statement about coming out (quoted above) wasn't necessarily true in all cases and situations.

Please don't take offence disocpupils.
 
No no its fine :)
I didn't explain my point fully because I had a comedown lol.

What I meant to say is.
The happy life many people idealise, spending your life with the person you care about and just being happy in their company,
is not unachievable but is certainly far more difficult if you don't come out.
The gay love of your life could be your best friend,
but if you point blank refused to come out, to the point of telling them you were straight,
then a relationship would never be formed.
 
I usually just talk about it in conversation if it comes up. If I'm out with some guys and they start talking about their wives/girlfriends, I'll talk about my husband too. Usually this only gets a surprised reaction the first time or two but then settles down. I've rarely had anyone make a big deal about it.

In return I don't usually make a big deal about it either. I don't really do or say or wear anything that advertises the fact, and I'm not really a big public display of affection kind of guy, with either sex. So most people just assume. But I've decided to take a stand and not lie or conveniently omit part of the truth to protect their assumptions. I just say what's true as if there's no big deal about it, and most of the time that works out.

Back when I was in my teens I had told my parents and brought people home, and they were ok with it, mostly. Mom took a while and then forbade me to tell the rest of the family. The rest of the family didn't have a hard time figuring it out after a few years but it was politely avoided.

When I finally met my current one and got legally married, I told my mother that the previous arrangement was to be considered void. At 30 and married I believed I had the right as an adult to fight my own battles, and told her she was not to fight them for me. I said if anyone has a problem with it, then you send them to me, and I'll deal with it.

Nobody had a problem with it, especially since 90% of them had figured it out anyway.
 
I wish that no one had to "come out." I wish we could just be. I wish society was in a mindset that someone doesn't have to sit their family down and say "Mom, Dad... I'm gay." No one sits down their parents and tell them they are straight... so why shouldnt it be that way for gays and lesbians and bisexuals? You like who you like. One shouldn't have to profess their love to one sex or another and make it known what their sexuality is. Im not saying that one shouldn't say things and remain quiet about what orientation they are, I just wish society viewed sexual orientation as what it is... its an orientation that has no impact on the way they go through life interact with others, or anything of the like. If just defines who they like sexually, and thats that. You like girls, thats fine. You like boys? Thats okay too. Both is great as well. It should just be... and it shouldn't be a matter of coming out and having to defend yourself to others that don't agree.

I hope that made sense. :/
 
Gldm said:
In return I don't usually make a big deal about it either. I don't really do or say or wear anything that advertises the fact, and I'm not really a big public display of affection kind of guy, with either sex. So most people just assume. But I've decided to take a stand and not lie or conveniently omit part of the truth to protect their assumptions. I just say what's true as if there's no big deal about it, and most of the time that works out.
Click to expand...

This is really well spoken, and to me at least carries much wisdom.

The easy times, I think, are on either side of the spectrum. Either folks around us are so clearly "in the know" and accepting of us as individuals that it's completely unnecessary to make a big fuss about the whole thing. . . or the situation is so laughably "stick-up-the-ass" that it begs for a freak flag to be proudly flown purely on the basis of sanctimony-busting.

In the middle, however, are those "didn't you get the memo?" moments. Many are really easy to sort of ignore - or just allow people to make their (incorrect) assumptions and go on with life. However, for me at least, when I fall prey to those temptations, they have a strange way of coming back to knock me on the head eventually. You know, the well-meaning friend who seems to miss all the obvious signs but what's the big rush in being explicit about things anyway (see attached t-shirt as one classic "hint")? Sooner or later, she's trying in subtle and then not-so-subtle ways to "hook you up" with this cute guy/gal she knows.

Awkward moment ensues. "I don't bat for that team - or the other team. . . heck I don't even play the same goddamned sport!" 8)

But it's a balance - get too explicit about it, and the age-old accusation of "your flaunting your freak sexuality and rubbing our noses in it for no reason at all" is sure to make an appearance. This is generally proffered by straight, Normal folks who don't see anything odd about the fact that everyday life is filled with thousands of images of men and women: kissing, cuddling, fucking, oogling each other, etc. However, let one single suggestion of a non-mainstream form of sexuality get mentioned and, you guessed it: "why must you rub our noses in your freaky sexuality??? We sure don't do that to you."

And, no, they aren't ever being ironic. Trust me.

Peace,

Fausty
 

Attachments

  • subtle, or not.jpg
    subtle, or not.jpg
    81.6 KB · Views: 128
NeoMeeko said:
I wish that no one had to "come out." I wish we could just be. I wish society was in a mindset that someone doesn't have to sit their family down and say "Mom, Dad... I'm gay." No one sits down their parents and tell them they are straight... so why shouldnt it be that way for gays and lesbians and bisexuals? You like who you like. One shouldn't have to profess their love to one sex or another and make it known what their sexuality is. Im not saying that one shouldn't say things and remain quiet about what orientation they are, I just wish society viewed sexual orientation as what it is... its an orientation that has no impact on the way they go through life interact with others, or anything of the like. If just defines who they like sexually, and thats that. You like girls, thats fine. You like boys? Thats okay too. Both is great as well. It should just be... and it shouldn't be a matter of coming out and having to defend yourself to others that don't agree.

I hope that made sense. :/
Click to expand...

QFT my friend. :)
 
The reason to come out to people, and to come out OFTEN, is to make it *less* of a big deal. To be so casual, to be so open, that people realize, "wait a minute, this chill hombre I've been smoking bowls with and talkin' about surfing with is GAY? No way!"

It gives them the chance to have an "A ha!" moment where they realize, wait a minute, we're just like them! Tell people you're gay because you might just be the first person to do so!

Oh, and Fausty? I love your shirt! Har, I think I've told you this before, but I love dog fuckers! They keep telling me to stop calling them that, though... whoops :P
 
The Monkey Mantra said:
Oh, and Fausty? I love your shirt! Har, I think I've told you this before, but I love dog fuckers! They keep telling me to stop calling them that, though... whoops :P
Click to expand...

Personally, I prefer "pack members" or "canine-bonded" but hey we could always call our gay friends "cocksuckers" or "anal sex fiends" just for fun. ;)

Peace,

Fausty
 
doofqueen said:
on the kids thing - my son has known about all sexualities since he was 7 and i had my first gf. Guess what it took for him to understand?

Girls can love girls.
Boys can love boys.
Just like girls and boys like each other.

Simple.
Click to expand...
That's awesome doofqueen :)
It IS so simple!

Just reiterating what others have said in this thread, sexuality is a dynamic thing. And I agree that "coming out" might not be necessary/sensible in certain situations. But it is up to that particular person, and if they are going to feel better about the situation if people know their sexual orientation then that is up to them.

Personally, I am bi, and the only people who know are some of my friends from high school who were bi/gay too, and my current boyfriend. My family/workmates/acquaintences don't need to know so I won't tell them. It will most likely just complicate things. But if in the future I was to bring home a new girlfriend to meet the family (unlikely, as my boyfriend and I are thinking of marriage/babies etc) I wouldn't even do the whole thing of announcing "Everyone, I am gay", I'd just treat it like introducing a heterosexual partner. Because to me, there is no difference!
 
I kinda wish people had to wear badges. I kinda thought I saw a little spark with my Vet and then my gaydar started to buzz a little. :-/
 
The Monkey Mantra said:
The reason to come out to people, and to come out OFTEN, is to make it *less* of a big deal. To be so casual, to be so open, that people realize, "wait a minute, this chill hombre I've been smoking bowls with and talkin' about surfing with is GAY? No way!"

It gives them the chance to have an "A ha!" moment where they realize, wait a minute, we're just like them! Tell people you're gay because you might just be the first person to do so!

Oh, and Fausty? I love your shirt! Har, I think I've told you this before, but I love dog fuckers! They keep telling me to stop calling them that, though... whoops :P
Click to expand...


But see thats my point... it shouldn't have to have that "aha" moment. Its GREAT that some people can have that moment. But as a society, I don't think we should even have to have that moment. It does make it less of a big deal when people do realize sexual orientation has nothing to do with the way a person is in life, but the way I feel is that there shouldn't even be a big deal at all.... it should just be. We shouldn't have to force people to come out or make them sit in silence. We should just accept them as they are. Society needs to just let it be... and let others be.

But as long as there is opposition, we do need to have events to raise awareness about the differences in society... and hopefully someday events like Gay Pride won't have to happen because society as a whole will just accept GLBT people as who they are and not what they are.
 
NeoMeeko said:
But see thats my point... it shouldn't have to have that "aha" moment. Its GREAT that some people can have that moment. But as a society, I don't think we should even have to have that moment. It does make it less of a big deal when people do realize sexual orientation has nothing to do with the way a person is in life, but the way I feel is that there shouldn't even be a big deal at all.... it should just be. We shouldn't have to force people to come out or make them sit in silence. We should just accept them as they are. Society needs to just let it be... and let others be.

But as long as there is opposition, we do need to have events to raise awareness about the differences in society... and hopefully someday events like Gay Pride won't have to happen because society as a whole will just accept GLBT people as who they are and not what they are.
Click to expand...

Then we're in agreement! Dude, if no one gave a fuck, I wouldn't care if anyone knew I'm gay or not. Until that's true, though... until people really ARE indifferent to it, I'm gonna do my part to make that a-ha! happen for them. I don't wear my sexuality on my sleeve, but it's so necessary that I treat it like it's not a big deal and share my life with my peers and colleagues to the degree that they do with me. I don't often say "I'm gay" to someone, but I do when the situation calls for it. I hung out with an ex-skinhead on the beach yesterday. We got along really, really well. For his benefit and mine, when the subject came up, I copped to it very quickly. He's in a stage of learning how not to judge people for their differences, and I figured, hey, why not just give him one more example of a fellow mushroom growing stoner surfer dude (just like him) who happens to like the dick?
 
^ I third that agreement, too.

If I ever do "come out", I use it in a political manner. It seems, now, that I do not give even a hint of being gay (so long as the girlfriend question is out), according to everyone's feedback. So what I did with a handful of people is that, after befriending them and showing them that I am normal and will not hit on them randomly (and they take a liking for me... in fact, I've had straight men tell me they'd fuck me if I were a girl, haha), I'd tell them I am gay... I got a LOT of positive responses that way... people would ask me so many questions in hopes of understanding more, and one of them even said he was bi but was afraid to admit it until he talked to me :)

So yeah, prides are not the way to go to make homosexuality more socially-acceptable - in fact, many people find prides repulsive. Personally, although I wouldn't call them repulsive, I certainly do not like them. The same goes for public displays of affection but that's just me, I just don't see a point to them.
 
^^ Be wary of sour grapes re: public displays of affection. I like a little hand holding and an infrequent peck on the forehead. Full-on liplocks are trashy whether you're straight or gay. And ya know, I think prides play a really nice role in giving people who are scared to come out and feel isolated a chance to see that they're not all alone. For people like you and me who don't set off anyone's gaydar, Jamshyd, they can be an isolating experience of their own - you might see a Pride Parade and think, I'm gay but that's DEFINITELY not me! That's cool. *grin* I hang out with furries instead of plain old West Hollywood queermos. Much more my speed, and it's like being at Disneyland but with a far more open attitude :P
 
In some cases, it's better to come out. Here's a scenario. Suppose you have a friend. You're straight. He's a gay closet case . He keeps making subtle sexual inuendos at you (but they were always carefully phrased so that they could have been taken innocently if a straight person had said them), constantly commenting on penis sizes and how large his supposedly is, touching you (shoulder massages, touching your hand, ... but never in a way that definitively says he's gay), saying "let's have a beer. I know a great bar" but he's driving and it turns out to be a gay bar half way across town and you don't have enough money left for a cab. You finially realize he's either gay/bi and/or extremely weird.
The whole thing ends very uncomfortably for both of you, but this cuold have been prevented if he was honest in the first place.
 
Fausty said:
In the middle, however, are those "didn't you get the memo?" moments. Many are really easy to sort of ignore - or just allow people to make their (incorrect) assumptions and go on with life. However, for me at least, when I fall prey to those temptations, they have a strange way of coming back to knock me on the head eventually. You know, the well-meaning friend who seems to miss all the obvious signs but what's the big rush in being explicit about things anyway (see attached t-shirt as one classic "hint")? Sooner or later, she's trying in subtle and then not-so-subtle ways to "hook you up" with this cute guy/gal she knows.
Click to expand...

Great shirt! Where'd you get it? I can think of a few friends who I'd wanna send one to. Considering your location listed in profile, it's possible we know someone in common through another site.

My husband and I are both furs. But the kinda laid back casual furs, not the ones who do serious RP or suiting like some of our friends. We met through his webcomic actually. I haven't brought this up with my parents, because I haven't really seen a need for them to know, and explaining it would probably take quite a bit more effort than bisexuality did. :)
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top