Why can't I just stay clean?

[tritonenneptunus]

So I had been clean for about 6 months prior to using opiates again. Its always the same BS. I'm clean, I'm fine and then I start thinking about things, missing the feeling of being high and then I obsess over it and BAM back to using. I feel like it's a never ending nightmare. NA meetings don't help, rehab doesn't help, nothing helps and then I just disappoint everyone all over again because I feel like a worthless piece of crap. Why can't I just stay clean? Why do I absolutely HAVE to have drugs? Is there anyone out there who is going through the same thing?

 

[Time4change]

You just told mu story
Going thru the same thing. And my family,friends think I'm clean. Been doing this WAY too long. You are not alone.

 

[《Plasticity》]

How is your mental health? Most of the time heavy drug users are self-medicating unknowiingly. I think it's important to ask yourself why you hate your sober state so much that you feel the need to be high all the time, maybe then you can at least realize what it is at the root of your drug use.

I personally find I crave and do drugs most when I have too much free time and nothing to do. Maybe finding a new hobby can help. Sorry if this is all stuff you've heard before, sounds like you've already been through the ringer. Whatever happens I wish you the best of luck getting clean . You're definitely not alone though.

I'm going to move this to sober living.

BDD~> SL

 

[Captain.Heroin]

How is your mental health? Most of the time heavy drug users are self-medicating unknowiingly. I think it's important to ask yourself why you hate your sober state so much that you feel the need to be high all the time, maybe then you can at least realize what it is at the root of your drug use.

I personally find I crave and do drugs most when I have too much free time and nothing to do. Maybe finding a new hobby can help. Sorry if this is all stuff you've heard before, sounds like you've already been through the ringer. Whatever happens I wish you the best of luck getting clean . You're definitely not alone though.

I'm going to move this to sober living.

BDD~> SL

Thank you for the move

 

[Dresden]

You can't stay clean because it's not what you want to do, deep within you.

 

[S.greenmann]

Don't give up, give yourself some time, time to explore some of your cycles, behaviours and patterns.

Part 1.
Start thinking back to your early sober days what worked for you, what did you enjoy doing? I'd suggest writing it down, put it on hear!

Part 2
Then start running through the triggers, what happen right before you used, draw a map what happen that day? Your thought process, Perhaps What was happening around the time you began to questioning 'should i, shouldn't Irun back in your.

When we finally break through that door of sobriety we experience many different emotions and situation which we are confronted with and challenge our sobriety. Relapse is all part of the recovery process, allow these life listens to instil growth and learn.

Process not perfection.

 

[simco]

The OP's description is the story of my life for about the last year, when I started trying to quit dope after a three-year habit. About two weeks ago I got so depressed by the cycle of trying and failing that my wife and shrink took me to the ER to keep me from a suicide bid. Obviously, something had to change. So this week I got my first prescription of suboxone (actually it's the newer but almost identical Zubsolv). For some reason I had resisted medication-based interventions; really not sure why--how much worse could they be than shooting street dope in filthy conditions?

Long story short: today is only my third day on zub, so I'm sure lots of complexity is still to come. But so far, the experience has been absolutely amazing to me. After years of gut-wrenching craving, in the last 72 hrs I haven't wanted to shoot dope once. For the first time in a year, maybe longer, I'm actually optimistic.

I'm putting this out there in case there are other folks like me who are avoiding medication for ill-defined reasons. If that's you and you are desperate to stop, I don't think trying it can hurt. But I also need to couch all this in a little reality check. I've only been on zub for three days; obviously things are going to get a lot more complicated as time goes on, I'm sure. Also, this report is based on the experience of only one person: me. I can't stand it when folks pimp for some drug or therapy or whatever, suggesting everyone should use it b/c it worked for them. Obviously, your mileage may vary.

But with all those caveats on the table, I've been truly amazed by buprenorphine so far.

Good luck, OP!

 

[Ruby Slippers]

Yes it took maintenance on suboxone for me to stop relapsing constantly. I tried for a year to cold turkey and it's just extremely difficult. I have only seen two people successfully stop using opiates without maintenance and they basically were still using EVERYTHING else, so they weren't actually sober. Also the poster above who mentioned getting back into school, work, hobbies etc. This couldn't be more true, because it is absolutely the sense of responsibility l have to my life that keeps me from going back to dope. I have already lost everything once and now that I have it back it is just so obviously not worth it. We all know how hard it is and have been there, more than once. Come back if you need more support!

 

[jasperkent]

trito~

I don't have any answers, but you are definitely not alone. See my thread hopeless case? in this forum. Hang in there. After many years of despair, I think I may be seeing a light at the end of the tunnel... I just hope it's not an oncoming train.

Peace&Love,
jasper

 

[manboychef]

I found myself in the same thought patterns as you trito everytime I tried to give up drugs in the past. I would get to a certain point and just think to myself "I hate my life, why even bother staying sober?"

I will tell you this, it gets a lot better if you work at it. Happiness and fulfillment is not a guarantee. They are feelings that need to be sought and held onto for dear life. A sense of purpose is an incredible tool to help you stay straight.

When I was in my late twenties some horrible things happened in my life that I never thought I could recover from. I ended up chained to the needle again and I wrote in my journal "I am making a pact with myself. If I reach the age of thirty and things do not get better I am going to end it." I actually tried once and I am glad it didn't work. I realized my problem after I got sober a little over a year ago. The problem was I was choosing to look at all the things that were negative in my life rather than accept that those things happen/happened and focus on the positive. If you foster the positive aspects of your life and actively work on finding new and healthy things to be happy about, the negative things will leave the forefront of your mind and you will have an easier go at it.

I give you this task. Start a journal of your feelings. Make three columns on one page and three columns on another page. In the first column on the first page write "Negative feeling I am experiencing". In the column next to that write "What caused this feeling". In the last column write "What can I do to change this." Do the same thing on the second page but the columns should read "Positive feeling I am experiencing", "What caused it", and "What can I do to keep this."

Writing each part is self explanatory.

As addicts we tend to have only one skill in coping with failure or success and that is to use. These two pages will be a blueprint of your emotions and how you experience them. In the beginning it is very okay to ask for help in dealing with problems, and you can learn a lot about how to solve problems without using from others.

PM if you need any help my friend. I am here for you. I am still learning how to fly this thing sober myself but we can learn it together.

 

[Vega89]

It's extremely hard. Unfortunately, getting through the physical withdrawals is just the beginning. I feel for you because after 6 months of being clean, you are so close to getting through this.
The next time you start thinking about drugs and how good they feel, force yourself to relive the bad parts- waiting on dealers, spending a ton of money, worrying about the police, disappointing family and friends, flirting with death, and so on. Not to mention having to repeat withdrawal AGAIN.
You CAN quit. Your battle is only in your own mind. Don't let it trick you into that lifestyle. Your brain WILL heal, you just have to give it the chance.
You asked why you absolutely HAVE to have drugs? The answer is, you don't. Try to find something that makes you happy naturally. It's harder said than done, and I'm still working on it, but you need a distraction.
When I quit, I had to cut off access. I deleted phone numbers, dropped friends, and gave extra money to my parents to save for me. Knowing it would be extremely hard to get money find drugs, and possibly take days, it wasn't worth the effort.
I know what you're feeling so well and my heart goes out to you. I wish there was an easy solution, but there just isn't.

 

[neversickanymore]

We can descide in a momant to no longer use drugs. But we can't decide to no longer want or be driven to use drugs. Its a process and there are two aspects to our own minds. CHeck out this thread and the divided self part esp The Brain and Addiction

Here is some information on the cycle of addiction Addiction Guide

 

[manboychef]

We can descide in a momant to no longer use drugs. But we can't decide to no longer want or be driven to use drugs. Its a process and there are two aspects to our own minds. CHeck out this thread and the divided self part esp The Brain and Addiction

Here is some information on the cycle of addiction Addiction Guide

This is so true. Any addict that says they wouldn't use if there would be no negative consequences is lying to you. It has been nearly a year and a half and I still have times where using is all I can think about until I can distract myself.

As vega said get a hobby. This is incredibly beneficial. Gardening and Painting has helped me so much. Just being in my garden, smelling my roses, and experiencing the beauty I have created gives me an enormous sense of well being and takes away the desire to use.

I cannot stress enough doing that journal that I wrote about earlier. I swear it is very helpful to know yourself inside and out, and also helpful to heal your emotional state.

 

[Chosenone23]

I've been clean for almost a year now but I have days where I obsess and think about it but thankfully I moved to a new city and work a lot to stay busy but it's important to keep your mind occupied with positive things you almost have to find something positive to "obsess" about for me is going the gym but everyone has there own interests you just have to find your passion and go with it, set goals for yourself and don't think to far ahead, just one day at a time

 

[cj]

I was in your exact position 11 months ago OP. I was so tired of fighting the war against myself. As a last desperate attempt I decided to get on methadone and it has changed my entire life. I no longer have the desire to use heroin. My family trusts me again I do normal things like going to movies and watching sports. Anyway you should really think about trying it. Suboxone had totally failed to work for me so don't let that stop you.

I also think you should take manboychefs advice and start keeping a journal. You don't have to write in it everyday but if you write in it when you feel really down and depressed you may be able to identify patterns in your thinking that can help you understand your desire to use. I also cant recommend counseling enough.

 

[ark9]

But with all those caveats on the table, I've been truly amazed by buprenorphine so far.

Hey simco; so its been a lil over a week since that post (enough time for you to notice any differences?) I'm just curious how the zub compares to the sub and which you prefer?

 

[ark9]

This is so true. Any addict that says they wouldn't use if there would be no negative consequences is lying to you.
-As vega said get a hobby; Just being in my garden, smelling my roses, and experiencing the beauty I have created gives me an enormous sense of well being and takes away the desire to use.
-I cannot stress enough doing that journal that I wrote about earlier. I swear it is very helpful to know yourself inside and out, and also helpful to heal your emotional state.

Keeping a journal has been really helpful for me, too. Provided me w my many insights that I never would've known about myself otherwise. Lately though I've been thinking about taking a new approach, writing more carefully and "poetically" so to speak. Even though I have not a clue how I'm usually the rambling, sontaneous, on-the-spot kind of writer ha ha.

I wish I had a good hobbie my only one is smoking a lot of weed... -_-

& to the first thing you said about addicts and consequences - idk doe?.... You think!? What if someone was like, 15 years clean, happily married, basically repulsed by drugs, OVER the whole scene.... ur saying he would def use if he could? Maybe some ppl really change and don't want that life no more? how Come AA and NA are successful programs if that weren't true?

I realized my problem after I got sober a little over a year ago. The problem was I was choosing to look at all the things that were negative in my life rather than accept that those things happen/happened and focus on the positive. If you foster the positive aspects of your life and actively work on finding new and healthy things to be happy about, the negative things will leave the forefront of your mind and you will have an easier go at it.

I give you this task. Start a journal of your feelings. Make three columns on one page and three columns on another page. In the first column on the first page write "Negative feeling I am experiencing". In the column next to that write "What caused this feeling". In the last column write "What can I do to change this." Do the same thing on the second page but the columns should read "Positive feeling I am experiencing", "What caused it", and "What can I do to keep this."

Writing each part is self explanatory.

As addicts we tend to have only one skill in coping with failure or success and that is to use. These two pages will be a blueprint of your emotions and how you experience them. In the beginning it is very okay to ask for help in dealing with problems, and you can learn a lot about how to solve problems without using from others.

I know this advice wasn't directed @ me but I'm still intrigued.. soo the 2 pages should include the 2 days of feelings?
or am I wrong? Plz clarify :D

 

[Jabberwocky]

Surrounding myself with good, kind, wise people has been integral to my successes in recovery.

 

[manboychef]

to the first thing you said about addicts and consequences - idk doe?.... You think!? What if someone was like, 15 years clean, happily married, basically repulsed by drugs, OVER the whole scene.... ur saying he would def use if he could? Maybe some ppl really change and don't want that life no more? how Come AA and NA are successful programs if that weren't true?



I know this advice wasn't directed @ me but I'm still intrigued.. soo the 2 pages should include the 2 days of feelings?
or am I wrong? Plz clarify :D

It is true. The obsession to use never truly leaves you. It is why there are lifelong members of AA and NA. I know every person I have met in recovery has a love hate relationship with drugs. It will always be this way, it is why the one day at a time thing works. You only plan on not using for that day because it is so hard to accept a life without your drug of choice for more than that.

About the journal. I have OCD and Panic disorder. I get overwhelmed by problems easily and I get hung up on the problem rather than finding viable solutions. Writing each thing out helps me to slow down and not obsess about the problem. I do date each entry on either page because it makes it easier to see if I am making progress with the problems I have, or if I am holding onto good feelings long enough. It also helps to show patterns in your way of thinking, and lastly it will also show you if a problem or feeling is momentary, or something that will require constant help. One problem I have that requires constant help is the feeling of being not as good as anyone else. I usually come up with some affirmations whenever I start feeling this way and I write them in the solutions column.

Surrounding myself with good, kind, wise people has been integral to my successes in recovery.

This is so true. In order to get sober you need to recognize who is actually invested in knowing the real you and not just using you because you share a common problem. I miss talking to you everyday man. I value your ideas. Send me a text.

 

[ark9]

manboychef - so you just keep updating the 3 columns, right? How often do you update it, would you say?

& hey there, OP!!!! Last but certainly not least. 6 months is a long time to stay clean!!! I salute you. The farthest I've gotten was ~3 months.
How long have you been using opiates all together?

No one HAS to do drugs!!!!!! You just think you do. It all comes down to perspective, my friend.
"What we believe manifests in our behavior and in that of others." - AKA: if you think you have no chance, than you have no chance!
You have to stop calling yourself a worthless piece of crap, and seeing things in such a gloomy way...
A negative mind will never give you a positive life. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
(Sorry, I can spew a million quotes, thanks to Pinterest heh)
Anyway, you are not a worthless piece of crap. If you are, then that pretty much means ALL of us here on BL!

For starters, you have to start recognizing these thoughts and feelings as they arise.
Then, remind yourself that these are only thoughts/feelings. We are not our thoughts and feelings.
Actually, we can be in CONTROL of them, if we choose to! Although it may feel that way, at times.
"Rule your mind or it will rule you." Instead of BEING your thoughts, be the AWARENESS behind your thoughts.

Duality is human nature. (Duality = high/low, yin/yang, light/darkness) Our pain is necessary for growth, because there is no joy without ever feeling pain. What's important is to understand the nature BEHIND these things, and to see beyond them. "The unattached observer." The goal, ultimately, is to transcend dualities. Feeling and experiencing each moment, "good" and "bad"... without any labels attached to it (use no words to define the experience). Appreciating each moment of precious life, because it is all occurring for a reason. There's nothing we can do about it! But we can choose how to view it and handle it. "Loving thoughts heal. Accept, love and forgive your humanness. It is only imperfect to have imperfect feelings."

Also, I'm sure you've heard, "addiction is but a symptom". Using drugs/addiction is merely a physical manifestation (AKA a symptom) that is most likely pointing towards a bigger, underlying issue...so instead, I would ask: WHY am I a daily drug user? Am I always trying to get outside of myself, or avoid my reality? Why?
"Be thankful for pain/problems bc it is our unconsciousness calling attention to what need to be looked at." It is progress, not falling back. No more self pity or victimizing. Instead, ask "What is it I am supposed to learn?"

Basically, instant gratification only feeds your ego, & hinders growth... especially when it becomes an addiction.
I don't know if any of this made sense. It's a lot to try to convey. And just my opinion!!!! So take it for what it's worth
*Quoted a few things from the book "Healing and Recovery" by David Hawkins. Intelligent man right there. No plagiarism intended, just notes I took (that helped me immensely) so I thought I would share. Wishing you nothing but the best

If you're interested, the book "Be Here Now" by Ram Dass was also a great read. Here's an article by the same author:
https://www.ramdass.org/the-game-of-awakening/