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Why can't I find the will to kick my addiction?

R

Rastahund

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 19, 2011
Messages
59
Hi all,
I've posted several times... I have had a few good responses and even tried to take people's advice... but this is really, really hard. I've become really addicted to ketamine over the last couple years. The past eight months have been absolute every day use.
I left home to visit a friend in a different state for a week... I'm on my third day here. He came here to get away from an addition to heroin, which is not what I am addicted to. He recovered and he's doing great so I thought he would be a good person to come visit. I binged really hard the week before I came here because I figured, "fuck it, I'm quitting so I may as well do as much as I want". Well, I got here and I'm getting a harsh dose of reality. I thought I would get more sober and clear headed and eventually stop feeling such a strong urge to do it all the time... well, now all I can think about is going home early so I can get some, or going over to Denver (which is close to where I am), where I know some people that could find me some.
I talked to my mom on the phone the first day that I got here because she wanted to make sure I got here safe. My nose sounded stuffy and I lied about having a cold because I didn't want to deal with her yelling at me. Well, she did, and she told me that she's very disappointed with me.
I got all A's this semester in my Statistics, Chemistry and Psychology class and that misled me to think that my addiction was okay because I was still functioning in life. But now I'm starting to think maybe I'm living in a false reality.
My bladder is suffering... I have to pee so many times a day and I can NEVER get hydrated, no matter how much water I drink. I feel like it just goes straight through me without even being processed by my kidneys. My skin is dry, my lips are dry, my heart pounds a lot.
I just don't really know what to do?
Does anyone have any advice...?
 
My only advice is to stay the course you are on, try to enlist your mom to support your efforts and not undermine them with her own fear (because that is probably what makes her yell). Parents often see addiction as nothing more than a lack of willpower and this is simply untrue.

If I may ask, what kind of support do you have? Have you considered meetings? You don't have to swallow every bit of dogma to get a lot out of the support of people trying to face down addiction. Was it depression that led you to ketamine in the first place? Are you getting any kind of therapy for that?
 
I personally experience Ketamine as the #1 getaway drug, to escape reality. Yes, heroin takes away your worries. Yes alcohol makes you numb to emotions, but Ketamine alters your perspective and can even grant you with 'a universe of your own.' Therefore I feel as if, even though you're acing classes, you're unhappy with (something in) life. Is this correct?

If so, try to work out the issue(s) causing that state of mind. By deteriorating the reason to use, quiting becomes a lot easier.

If I'm wrong, the essence still remains: Look for the root of the problem, don't just fight the symptoms.
 
Addiction is not a lack of willpower, yet it takes willpower to fight..

Addiction is a consequence of tolerance and dependency, an effect of neurology due to associations of reward with the drugtaking. It makes us feel okay for the moment but does not solve anything, it causes problems instead or adds fuel to them.

A plan to get out of it needs to be sustainable, often vague intentions we have to quit at some point are waayy flawed.
You need to align the motivation (can't stop unless you actually want things to change) despite the advantages you get from keeping things right as they are: which is easy in many ways.

It takes conviction of what is good and right for you rather than momentarily pleasant.

It's never hopeless yet there can be periods when it feels like the odds are against you, like the motivation you can muster couldn't begin to weigh up to bad things that may happen, sometimes multiple things linked to each other... but it takes survival and aligning your support and your dreams of betterment.
 
I dont have experience with your drug of choice but im an ex IV heroin user oxycodone suboxone oxycodone switcher upper lol so i have some experience in the drug game and can relate to you in one particular part of your post.

And what im refering to is the facing reality thing. Im not one to say "never complain because others have it worse" (we all deal with lifes dificulties) but be very very thankful you got all As in class and still have a future because when addicts fuck their life up hard, and get clean they deal with a brutal reality that most cant deal with unless they continue using essentially making it worse.

Im 26 no education and a record. I should kill myself. You need to take care of your shit BEFORE ruining your life. I hope you truly listen to me. Odss are your using because ur lacking something in life, or have some underlying mental issue (depression or something) that your self medicating with. I hope im wrong and its just a "i like to get high" situation. But addicts lie to themselves so just think hard and explore certain aspects of your life.

Even if your "functioning in life" other aspects of it are unhealthy. Lying to people, spending money that could go to other stuff, feeling lots of guilt, idk could be anything but i suggest tryimg to figure it out before your reality is much much harder to face then your reality right now.

Something will happen (Bad) if you dont stop. Here is an example. Since you could find people in denver to help you, you could pick them up They get in your car you get drugs and get pulled over. They throw it on the floor since its your car you get posession charge. Ypu can only run good for so long. I know this is imagination situation but it happens on a daily basis.

Thats just legal stand point i could go on but addiction will catch up to you. Tell yourself ull use in a year and then see where u are amd if you wanna use it. I know i may sound like im trying to scare you but i bern around the block and just know the game. If you ever wanna pm me hit me up.

I wish you luck
 
You have to keep trying, go to meetings at least the first year, and most importantly...EXERCISE. That is the key and its fuckin hard to make yourself do, but with a little eye of the tiger you can overcome :)
 
Wow, I totally forgot I even made this thread! Thanks for the responses guys, it means a lot.
I agree, my mom can't possibly understand why I've gotten into this addiction... she just thinks I'm going to become just like my dad (awful, abusive alcoholic) so she looks down on me.
The whole trip to Colorado was great... I didn't do ketamine for a whole week. However, in that time that I spent in Colorado, I ended up cheating on my boyfriend. My friend that I went to go visit is an ex heroin addict that had to leave our home town due to his drug addiction... he also happens to be my boyfriend's best friend since high school. It has caused a lot of problems, my boyfriend going back and forth at least 10 times a day on whether he's leaving me or giving me a chance and honestly, I have done ketamine every day that I have been home now. Home definitely seems to be the problem because in Colorado, I actually didn't even think about the ketamine more than a couple times.
Nygiants, I appreciate your post. You're right, something really bad will happen if I don't stop... I've seen it happen to may people and I know that it will only be coming for me soon. I can see my life beginning to spiral out of control but I just feel stuck.
To the first poster, I don't have the best support group and I think that's apart of the problem. My dad can relate but he can be a little judgemental because he thinks drugs are bad since alcohol is legal. My mom doesn't understand, and I honestly have problems with her too... when I was 15, she ended up taking my first boyfriend and my family divorced... they still live together. My best friend is a huge heroin addict, and just can't get himself straight... he's been in and out of jail for almost a year, getting probation violation after probation violation. My boyfriend is great support because he understands and although he does the drugs with me, he doesn't really seem to get dependent. However, we also have problems... especially now. My friend in Colorado that I went to go visit seems to be my only true support. But I can't even talk to him without my boyfriend getting really upset so the whole situation is just hard. I have other friends, but they are all either heavily into ketamine or are always around it so it makes it a difficult situation.
 
First thing you have to do is reach out!! You can't do it alone. You need support. People to talk to.

Second thing. Consider your bladder. Thats no fucking joke man. Ketamine is no fucking joke. How old are you? Are you prepared to deal with a fucked bladder for the rest of your life because you were a tard and did too much ketamine? You know how many people I know are braindead or are dead that fucked with too many toxic drugs. Not all drugs are toxic right. Weed is not toxic. Ketamine is toxic http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/24275940

Man up bro, get help! Something really bad will happen to you if you don't stop.
 
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