Why Cant Everyone Just Get Along!?

[corruptedtessa]

trying to shorten this but some parts of the story are needed to get the question, not sure if i posted in the right place though, apologies if i have posted wrong..

I'm getting wickedly fed up with the 'anti drug' brigade..or not even anti's just those who dont use anything and dont get why others do it at all.. As a teenager on Dexis and percs most of the time, i constantly got shit from family (parents and older siblings) when they finally caught on, which always lead to massive blowouts as happens so often in the early teen years lol..
When i got pregnant with my son, from the second i got the results back to giving birth, the whole 9 months absolutely no drink, pills or weed or anything else..stopped cold. But, becoming a parent was never about conforming in my eyes..i never once said that i wouldnt go back to using various substances after i finished breast feeding. It was natural for me that i would go right back to it all. This is where my family and i collided more than ever before, they felt that because i enjoyed recreational uses (on a daily basis) that it meant i wasnt able to look after my child. Absolute crap! if a parent who has a kid and still enjoys using certing things isnt taking care of the child they brough into this world, doesnt say the drugs cause it, its saying that person cant be assed to do anything..i apologize if this offends anyone, and i do realize every circumstance is completely different from anothers. One of my sisters who had a child at 16 constantly left the infant alone, in its crib, loaded diaper, not fed or bathed etc etc, and she wasnt at all doing anything other than occassionally drinking..so that points to her being just a lazy bitch and not taking responsibility..so anyhow, a constant fighting point between myself and my family..and the fact that i was using various things at the time and my child was always clean, fed, happy, and constantly looked after, was entirely overlooked of course. So now it seems, after over 5 years at 3,500 miles from my family..thankfully lol...and my partners pulling similiar shit. Telling me i am using too much and that 'im not here' even when i am..which also isnt how it works. Now, for anyone possibly reading this pointlessness, where im at in my life now, i use one of my favorite painkillers every day when possible, valium when i get some, and weed..i dont even drink these days as i have completely gone off the feeling of the stuff. but this is nothing compared to all i was doing 6+ years ago -constant H use, constant speed and pills, also daily if possible, an acid head and my brother and i would go through bottles of liquid morphine that a dodgy Dr was selling us at the time. so considering the past, i have tamed a hell of a lot, seemingly this matters not 8) i have always had the mindset with anything i have that theres not point in saving it or NOT doing..afterall i didnt buy the shit to just look good on my bookcase. i bought it to DO. i know my limits to various things and i do everything safetly..so really i cant help but feel he just needs to lay off me about it.. any feedback to this would be appreciated..anyone with similiar issues with people or anything that fits the topic here really i'd love to hear of please?

 

[happygoluckygal]

Well, to be honest...it sounds like your usage is WAAAY more than occasional and recreational (ie daily). I would consider "recreational" something someone does on the weekends, or just here and there. Not every day. Plus, the combo of drugs you are using certainly is enough to leave you "impaired". You may FEEL as though you are okay enough to care for your child...but other people may be seeing different things. I love a great high as much as the next guy (or gal), but would never do it when I was alone with my children, because God forbid something happen to me, what would happen to them? Plus, IMO, my kids deserve a sober Mom who has the right mindset to care for them and not place them in danger.

The bottom line hon, is whether you agree or not, you ARE possibily placing your child at risk, especially with the amount (and type) or drugs you use. God forbid you would OD...obviously that would be unintentional...but what would happen to your child? There is a reason that people lose their kids in these kinds of situations. You may be angry at your family for challenging you on this...but they are only thinking of your child's best interest and safety. Also, you can get as mad as you want, but if they want to push the issue and get CYS involved, you could lose your child, which is the last thing you want.

I don't judge anyone for choosing to have drugs in their life...I would be a hypocrite if I did...but I DO think the moment a person becomes a parent, they have to make different decisions and put themselves SECOND with their child always being top priority. Just make some responsible changes...and you can have the best of both worlds, just not as often. Plan your "party time" when someone else is caring for your child. Get a babysitter, and use your drugs in a different environment. When your done with your partying, pick your son/daughter up and go back to being a sober Mom, as that is what ANY child deserves. Drugs alter our minds, so of course we always think we're waaaay more capable of doing things when high...and the bottom line is...it's NOT worth taking that chance.

GOD forbid something bad would happen, you would never forgive yourself. I'm not in any way saying your a bad Mom...what I am saying is you could have made better choices up til this point. I've been there when I've had a beloved Dilly in the other room....and as tempting as it may be...I wait until my kids are in the care of someone else to indulge. The bonus with that is that it limits your usage, which helps keeps things in check...including your tolerance...the money you spend that you could be spending on your child...etc.

I'm sure this is not what you wanted to hear...but hopefully, hearing it from a totally uninvolved 3rd party will help you to realize that your loved ones are right when they worry about your using when you are caring for your child. You don't have to give up drugs...but you DO have to change your mindset as you are a Mom now...and if you don't, you are risking something bad happening, or you getting into a legal mess where you risk losing your little one...and if THAT happens, you WILL be forced (by the courts) to get totally clean. Wouldn't it be better to just alter the way you party?

I'm not trying to offend you, just being honest, especially b/c I'm a Mom too.

 

[dtr]

doesn't really sound that bad...it may,and most likely will.

 

[corruptedtessa]

hello thank you for the reply, and no im not at all offended, i do see many of your points. the truth is, with the combination i use now daily (and you are also right that i cant really call it recreational lol) i am high all day, but not 'over' high..and do, seriously, function completely normally, only those who know me know im on anything at all usually. the exception being the valium, those i only will take when the boys in bed for the night and my partners also at home!
i know a lot of people wont believe this but in his 8 years of life, the only major serious accident that happened was while entirely sober! he was a year or so old and the highchair tray didnt latch properly, he fell, blood everywhere but he was fine, teeth and all thankfully. and those are during the truly heavy years of use..its more like my mind knows i am on something and because of that increases my focus when and where needed..
but, that said, all drugs affect everyone completely differently and i know others that couldnt smoke a single joint and be left in charge of a hampster lol..my mind has just seemingly come to a sort of balance all its own..Oh, and i didnt not want to hear anything, i am very happy for the feedback and another outlook all together, many thanks for that!

 

[phatass]

well i have no kids, but can understand your parents/siblings concern, it is a legitimate concern, BUT, i'm not saying you can't take great care of your child and from time to time "party"... allthough i think as your child gets older he/she will become a bigger and bigger part of your life, and you won't have much time for the gettin high, it will become a rare pleasure, a good thing in a way...

i'll send this to "the dark side" i think its more appropriate

all the best
Phatass

 

[Jabberwocky]

Are you driving? Are you avoiding being high while driving especially when the kid is in the car? Are you having any blackouts or suddenly nodding off? Are you mentally capable of dealing with any crises that may come up? The "anti-drug brigade" as you call them probably wonders these sorts of things too.

I know I wouldn't hesitate to call child protective services if I thought a child were endangered or neglected. Sounds like you are under scrutiny. It is probably a good time to analyze your parenting, drug use, and the relationship between the two. I'd assume there might be more concerned people than just those who talked to you about things. If there are any incidents you will likely have people from the state analyzing all that stuff for you.

People giving you a heads up might really help you avoid some grief over the long hall, if you take measures to improve things. People's assessment's of how functional they are while using, especially chronically, are often way off by my observation.

 

[K12]

I would chill out on the useage for a while because you are scrutinized. You could gradually start going back when the heat is off. Most Americans use drugs on a weekly basis, probably closer to a daily basis. Caffeine is a drug. Alcohol is a drug. Nicotine is a drug. The latter two are just as harmful as illegal drugs if abused. It's all a part of cultural brainwashing imo. Peace.

 

[User Name Here]

Okay, I really hope that none of this is taken in the wrong way, but if your significant other--who is with you every day--says you're going overboard, chances are you are.

My biggest deal with parents who continue using is this: To me, drug use is a very selfish thing. There is nothing wrong with it unless it hurts others and what you do with your body is up to you, etc. etc. However, when you have a child, it's time to quit being selfish and start living your life entirely for them and not for you (as in taking drugs that obviously affect your home life by instigating arguments between both your s.o. and your family).

Clearly something is going on here, and unless you are prescribed all of these drugs by doctors who monitor you and you're taking them as prescribed, I would say it's time to stop taking them and place your focus elsewhere. You didn't mention anything about being prescribed these drugs but did mention using them recreationally so... yeah.

I'm not looking down on you or anything like that. It's just that the information you have given makes it seem that yes, this is a problem. I still commend you on staying clean throughout your pregnancy (nine months cold-turkey can't be easy) as well as the fact that you do fewer drugs than you used to.

Good luck.

 

[MMMMKAY?!]

Your little man won't be little forever tessa. Keep the memories you have of this time pure and not drug tinged. You can party when he's older at Uni. Let this be his time with you now and not the drugged mommy

agreed.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Caffeine is a drug. Alcohol is a drug. Nicotine is a drug.The latter two are just as harmful as illegal drugs if abused. It's all a part of cultural brainwashing imo. Peace.

Its not that simple. Alcohol, opiates, and benzos are in a different class as far as impairing driving or ability to cope with a crisis like a kid with a fever or who needs to get stitches. Nicotine by the most common route of administration can be a 2nd hand smoke issue - but it is not the same thing at all. Coffee for most people is not a parenting issue in the least. Making inept comparisons does not help legalization efforts or harm reduction, nor is it very applicable to parenting issues.

 

[Help me please]

Enki, lol, caffeine and children are a two-fer thing. You have one and need the other. Grandchildren require triple shots of espresso Just saying...

 

[corruptedtessa]

Ok, to answer some of the questions that i can for now, no i do not drive..and my sons life is never endangered, nor any part of his life different and certainly not worse, i think there is a wrong mental picture forming from my OP and i apologize for that..the whole point of the Post was that i have tamed, my use of a very few different substances doesnt alter our lives in any way, my son is happy, healthy and very bright, but the point with the post is my partner is seriously just giving me hassle..i do not nod out, and if i start to its during the evening when the boys in bed and his father is home, but because and since hes stopped enjoying much of anything, hes been on my case about everything i use and really i was hoping to find others whos partners are against their drug use and how they manage that, as a random conversation i suppose, but with curiousity. If my use was getting worse or flag alert worthy then he would seriously point this out (and has in the past) but he isnt saying that this time, this time its getting to nagging older sibling kind of attitude and its ridiculous. i am not an idiot, and i would not put my child in harm, (life itself is dangerous every step outside your door) if i felt that what i took impaired my ability to handle life let alone motherhood, i assure you it would have ended way before now! thats my point, its posing no problems (health wise the drs given me the all clear with a full physical for a job interview a few months back) and everything is seriously fine. i keep my body healthy in all other ways and my system flushed etc. Looking back this probably should have been added to the relationship forum as its really the problem with a dissaproving spouse or partner in any way..to know how others have dealth with it in the past..

 

[Tunnelfission]

*small font is POINTLESS

Parents and parents friends drank all the time, since it was socially acceptable they didn't think twice about it, they were all great loving people, despite that the alcohol use affected me GREATLY.

kids learn from bad examples to though, I dont drink and just dont crave it, it's like a sniffers high to me a "get fucked up" kind of high.

like huffing paint thinner

 

[Jabberwocky]

but because and since hes stopped enjoying much of anything, hes been on my case about everything i use and really i was hoping to find others whos partners are against their drug use and how they manage that, as a random conversation i suppose, but with curiousity.

Ok, is the big problem perhaps that your partner is depressed? I mean is he not enjoying much of anything at all, or the problem that he has stopped enjoying drugs?

In any event it is one person now with a problem, not several that are critical of your use. You might tell him you will moderate your use in certain ways but he needs to accept a certain amount and refuse to be nagged about it beyond that. I wouldn't necessarily. make this a quid pro quo thing but if he is asking for concessions it might be a good time to ask for some you need as well.

Do you think his concern really is about the well being of the kids or that claiming this is about your availability to them is tactical negotiating? That would probably really effect how accommodating I'd be with his problem with your use. How much might this be that he is annoyed w/ being around you when your fucked up? I can relate to not wanting to be the straight guy to someone else's being high all the time.

Since you mentioned maybe you should have started this in Sex, Love, and Relationships, you can ask a mod to send this to SLR either by asking in the thread, PMing a TDS mod, or hitting the report button on your first post and asking for your thread to be moved. Not all three though Hope things get better soon