why bother

[Emptty]

I'm... scared I suppose. That's not an emotion I'm used to facing if I'm honest. Not like this at least. I have always had anxiety but usually in the context of something irrational, phobias, panic attacks, flashbacks etc. In fact for most of my life I've seemingly had a dysfunctional radar for actual danger.

These days I'm on edge. Sometimes I can pinpoint a valid reason like the fact that it's the end of fucking May and I'm entering the time of year associated with my abusive ex. But a lot of the time I'm just thinking to much of the future.

I submitted an application to a treatment program that's equipped to treat someone like me, that has both substance dependence and severe mental illness, but the more steps I take towards getting admitted there the more terrified I get.

I can name 20000 reasons to be scared. I have to open up to and be honest with an unfamiliar therapist, I have to leave my animals in the care of my shitty family, there's a chance my alters will become more active and I'll have to deal with them, there's a chance they won't and I'll feel alone for the rest of my life, there's a chance the treatment program will be bad, there's a chance the treatment program won't help, there's a chance once it's done I won't have the resources to move out and will have to go back to an abusive living situation (where I'll inevitably relapse).

I'm falling into a pit of why bother, I have a terrible track record. If mental health treatment helped me I wouldn't be as screwed up as I am by now. I promised people I would go, one of my partners isn't even willing to stay with me if I don't get sober. And I can't lose him nor can I live like this forever but god I can't bring myself to do what it takes to improve things either.

I know life isn't inherently bad, I know I'm not permanently broken, I know it can get better but I have to be able to do what it takes to make that happen. And I don't know if I am. I'm not sure what I expect from this I really just needed to vent, but as always input is welcome.

 

[Phee]

You seem intelligent, and the thing about therapy is to find the right person, who's bright enough to understand you, but also call you out on your own shit so to speak. Someone who gets you and can help put it all together, keep you pointed in the right direction.

Life is good! And sometimes rough too, but i guess that's how we learn lessons and grow. Of course we seek happiness but how we define it matters, and changes too. At 20 that mighr mean going out drinking, or ripping bong hits. At 40 it might mean a glass of wine (or not), at home with a nice dinner. Lots of it seems to end up being about helping others. Making ourselves happy is one level, but making others happy seems to have more going on. If we all spent more time helping each other out we'd probably expand our happiness even more.

Just a little side question. What % of people here are from Australia? I think this site is run from Australia? It's all good, but there are of course time differences depending on where we are.

So from my standpoint, good morning!

 

[Emptty]

I'm from the West Coast of the US, 3am here. So it is morning I guess lmao

I actually do have a therapist and she is unfortunately the only professional I feel safe with. I struggle to be comfortable with the idea of entering treatment partially because I have had... poor experiences. I can usually manage ok if I lie by omission. But then of course I make no progress.

If I'm honest about what's scaring me you can probably cross out most of what I initially listed. I'm terrified of honesty with anyone but my own therapist and she can't follow me into residential treatment. You see I have dissociative identity disorder but in my experience most professionals are deeply terrified of that disorder. If I try to bring up the symptoms of it I get shut down pretty consistently and at this point I'm scared to even try.

But I need to work through that and the causes of it to improve my mental health enough to stay sober. So why bother with treatment. Talking to anyone but my current therapist is just going to be a waste and I'll end up even deeper in denial about my diagnosis. It's happened before.

I'm just stressed, I don't want to do this. Yes having a drug problem and barely manageable mental health issues is painful but it seems the path out of that is even worse. Working through DID means admitting to the cause of it which is always childhood trauma, I know I was emotionally abused but admitting to the rest of my past makes me feel sick. If I can barely even bring myself to refer to it as trauma what's it going to be like to actually talk about it with someone I don't trust? I still can't talk about half of it with the therapist I do trust.

 

[Phee]

I love the saying "you can't dictate the terms of your own recovery". I also like "surrender to the flow". That doesn't mean you let people walk all over you, but to a certain extent, you go to them because they know best.

What do you do for physical exercise?

 

[Phee]

Something physical that works for you. You get the benefits of endorphins, better sleep, etc. Whatever works for you. Yeah, it's tough to feel comfortable with a program when you have a good idea what it's all about. You do have to trust someone though, if you are going to participate. It's easy to talk our way out of things. The intelligent mind will find a way.

 

[Emptty]

Tried to edit this post from mobile and deleted it, incredible.

Anyways as I was saying, I'm biased against the idea profesionals know best. Good profesionals are a godsend and I respect their knowledge but I've been seeing psychiatrists and therapists since I was an extremely young child. I'm 21 now and can still count the number of competent ones I've met on one hand.

My distrust doesn't come from nowhere, I know the mental health system. I grew up in it. I've been helped by it but I've also been hurt very badly by it so my distrust is defensive.

I have a good therapist now, the idea of walking into a program where they will assign me to work with a therapist I don't know feels like playing Russian Roulette but with all but one bullet chamber filled.

As for exercise I don't do much, my only real option is walking or running and that still requires I'm functional enough to get dressed and leave the house. Thing about exercise as mental health treatment is it assumes you're mentally healthy enough to exercise in the first place.

 

[herbavore]

Empty, I'm with you as far as the mental health experiences and the dismal track record of most "professionals" in that field. They are not monsters or even bad people but damn if at least 80% are not simplistic thinkers! Phee is right though--you just have to use what is useful and leave the rest gracefully off to the side. You know what you need! I find that body work (somatic therapy)--as crazy as that sounds--has been sometimes unbelievably helpful for me. I am a skeptic of almost everything but sometimes getting through to the unconscious mind is what I need. Have you ever tried anything like that?

What made you choose this particular treatment place?