energy_spent
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Nov 13, 2010
- Messages
- 5
this is my first post. i've been lurking on bluelight for two years through a good friend's account, but all i did was read and learn. now i'm actively looking for advice, or at least commiseration.
i've got pretty severe depression and anxiety. i was diagnosed at 11, which meant i was given a shit-ton of drugs from then until i was 18, when i was happy enough with my then-current circumstances to believe i was "in remission" and no longer needed medication. to this day, i have no idea how much of my emotional incapacitation is, at least in some way, psychosomatic or pre-learned patterns. i don't trust my own brain and i never know what to blame on self-pity, mental illness, or my addictions.
i do know that i've been using hard drugs for the last two years and just recently realized, after spending two completely sober months working overseas, that i might be far, far unhealthier than i could ever have imagined. i'd noticed that i'd been far more depressed and emotional even before my work-imposed sobriety this summer, but now that i've been back for three months, i can only see myself going downhill. i've been taking tons of scrips, including my prescribed ambien, klonopin, and any xanax, adderall or vicodin i can get my hands on. i smoke weed constantly and have finally started to noticed a scary and absolutely causal connection between my nonstop using and my memory, decline in motivation, and general feeling of well-being. there are some, in fact many days that i am so anxious and depressed that i cannot leave my bed, let alone my home. i drink now, not incredibly heavily but almost every day, and as someone who grew up with an alcoholic uncle i'm disappointed in my inability to resist falling into at least one familial pitfall. i'm a recovered meth addict (a year of nonstop smoking coupled with severe anorexia almost killed me), and i consistently use whatever i can get my hands on (this weekend coke, some weekends heroin, some weekends ex) and i feel like i can't remember the last time i was voluntarily sober.
i'm a 21 year old university student. i'm already having to complete two entire extra semesters to graduate because my anxiety was so worsened by my addictions that i am often incapable of going to class at all. i will fail out of school if i don't get it together soon, and to combat all that stress i'm taking more pills than i've ever taken, and every day. and i'm scared.
someone tell me what my next move should be; at this point, i don't trust myself to make any decisions that won't lead me further down this incredibly self-destructive path.
i'm truly sorry for the tl;dr pity party. but i sure would appreciate a response.
i've got pretty severe depression and anxiety. i was diagnosed at 11, which meant i was given a shit-ton of drugs from then until i was 18, when i was happy enough with my then-current circumstances to believe i was "in remission" and no longer needed medication. to this day, i have no idea how much of my emotional incapacitation is, at least in some way, psychosomatic or pre-learned patterns. i don't trust my own brain and i never know what to blame on self-pity, mental illness, or my addictions.
i do know that i've been using hard drugs for the last two years and just recently realized, after spending two completely sober months working overseas, that i might be far, far unhealthier than i could ever have imagined. i'd noticed that i'd been far more depressed and emotional even before my work-imposed sobriety this summer, but now that i've been back for three months, i can only see myself going downhill. i've been taking tons of scrips, including my prescribed ambien, klonopin, and any xanax, adderall or vicodin i can get my hands on. i smoke weed constantly and have finally started to noticed a scary and absolutely causal connection between my nonstop using and my memory, decline in motivation, and general feeling of well-being. there are some, in fact many days that i am so anxious and depressed that i cannot leave my bed, let alone my home. i drink now, not incredibly heavily but almost every day, and as someone who grew up with an alcoholic uncle i'm disappointed in my inability to resist falling into at least one familial pitfall. i'm a recovered meth addict (a year of nonstop smoking coupled with severe anorexia almost killed me), and i consistently use whatever i can get my hands on (this weekend coke, some weekends heroin, some weekends ex) and i feel like i can't remember the last time i was voluntarily sober.
i'm a 21 year old university student. i'm already having to complete two entire extra semesters to graduate because my anxiety was so worsened by my addictions that i am often incapable of going to class at all. i will fail out of school if i don't get it together soon, and to combat all that stress i'm taking more pills than i've ever taken, and every day. and i'm scared.
someone tell me what my next move should be; at this point, i don't trust myself to make any decisions that won't lead me further down this incredibly self-destructive path.
i'm truly sorry for the tl;dr pity party. but i sure would appreciate a response.
