Why am I always cheated on?

[GetMeOutOfThisCRAP]

Sorry I know not too many people care about gay relationships but any advice? (no homo though) My first relationship ended with me finding out he slept with his friend (who I hated to add), and I just walked away. I was really young at the time and not a very good partner, so I could understand that honestly.

But the second relationship I've ever been in last year was unforgivable. From the get-go he had no plans to commit, but constantly reassured me that he was 100% monagmous in all relationships and never cheated. I have never been such a good partner to anyone in my entire life, not even my closest friends in the past or family members. I've also got a really low sex drive and have trouble finding men to be attractive, so it's rare for me to be so physically and emotionally attracted to someone. I've never felt this way about anyone before. I went all out to make this person happy and take care of all of his needs, and I could tell I was improving his life quite a bit. For the first time ever in my life I think I was genuinely happy. I found his condom stash pretty early on in the beginning, and two months later about 2-3 were missing. Maybe this is paranoia but I suspected he was sleeping around ever since then but brainwashed myself with denial because I thought "there's no way someone would take the lie this far and be okay with themselves." He really seemed like such a great and loving/caring 30-year-old man. Towards the end of the relationship I was totally physically and emotionally neglected, and I knew he used grindr in the past. I downloaded it and logged on while at his apartment, and found an empty profile looking for ass 4 feet away from me. I was mortified but waited until he woke up to confront him about it (it was late at night when I found out.)

So I slept with him one last time and was pretty aggressive in bed--he definitely hated it because he doesn't like to bottom anyway. I guess I was just after vengeance, then I stated that I want to break up pretty soon afterwards. When confronted about the profile he tried to swifly delete it when I wasn't looking and this greatly angered me even more than if he had just apologized and took ownership of the promiscuous behavior. He then told me , "I don't think I can be in a relationship right now." He started to call himself pathetic out of self pity and crying. I can't handle gay men crying, it totally deflected my anger and I get all soft and touchy. He tried to get me to "be on a break" with him and when he was ready to be in a relationship again we would try again. I wasn't down to be manipulated by someone I loved anymore than I already was, so that guy can smd. I hope he was pissed I gave him that good D one last time before immediately breaking up with him. It may help to know that from the beginning I told him I struggle with addictions and he was really supportive. Most gay men would have totally shut you down. It made me let me guard down entirely. I've never let my addictions affect my partner, as I'm pretty good at hiding them.

In retrospect I know this is not a cool way to break up with somone, and I definitely didn't feel good doing that to anyone. It sound so absurd to say but I thought that I had found my soul-mate this time around. I wouldn't have minded spending my life with him if he didn't pursue other guys. We dated for 6 entire months with him lying to my face on a daily basis. I wondered if he was a socipath but I confirmed that he wasn't based on some behavior from him that was at points human. Ever since the relationship ended I've been trying to focus on myself but my drug use has really been higher than ever so I must be pretty hurt even 4 months after it ended. I've tried to hookup with other men after but the entire time I was just thinking about him and I never enjoyed it with others since the breakup.

I don't want to enter relationships anymore if they all end the same way--crying when caught cheating and never taking credibility for any of their actions like children. I've never cheated and I never will, because I know what it's like twice now. I'm not sure if gay men can even handle monogamy, that's something I'm trying to find out. And maybe even I could overlook the cheating if he didn't neglect me or stretch the lies out so far. I'm 26 right now, so there will be a million more men to make me depressed and miserable. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to approach relationships anymore? Sometimes there isn't red flags that someone will be unfaithful, and everyone seems so fantastic in the beginning. Not to be cocky, but I'm a really attractive and masculine white etchnically mixed gay man and I look athletically built. Maybe that is cocky, but I've got a great schlong, ass, and sexy super green eyes and I'm really affectionate and good at cuddling and always give them lots of attention. I've been told I'm attractive my entire life but I know that love isn't about physicality and about what's on the inside.

Am I the only one who feels this hopeless with relationships after repeatedly being crapped on and cheated on desipte how good of a partner they try to be? Is this my fault? He deleted messages, constantly told lies within seconds, and tried his best to seem like a great person. I don't know how I'm supposed to be in more after an experience like this. I'll always be wondering if my partner is lying when he says "i love you" or if he's sleeping around. My trust was already bad because of the first relationship, and now it's drastically worse. If anything good came from this it's that I maintained respect for myself by leaving him. Now that I know, his ex before me probably found out about the cheating several times but was unable to leave because trust me... my lover is manipulative and plays head games with all his relationships. It's horrible.

 

[Anaxarchus]

Sounds hella toxic. The right ones are out there for sure.

But If you came into this with no trust, you honestly have no business being in a relationship until you're able to heal yourself. Trust is like 99% of a healthy relationship, without it - you guys may as well be playing soccer with a warhead. It's not going to end pleasantly

 

[GetMeOutOfThisCRAP]

I'd instantly trust someone if they were hit on and shut that person down. I feel like until I see that, I'm not sure how to let go. It had been 5 years after the first relationship so I was totally healed. Thanks for the advice though you're right.

 

[Anaxarchus]

I'd instantly trust someone if they were hit on and shut that person down. I feel like until I see that, I'm not sure how to let go. It had been 5 years after the first relationship so I was totally healed. Thanks for the advice though you're right.

Then there must be a reason why you don't trust this guy. That scenario would jumpstart your rebuilding of trust, for sure but the chances of it happening whilst you are watching are pretty slim lol but I get what you're saying.

Trust is the firm belief in the reliability and truth of someone. It'll be a long road to rebuild it from nothing but it can definitely be done

 

[✿Dai₷y✿]

You don't seem to trust and follow your gut instincts and want to be wrong about someone who you know is not capable of being a real partner.



Learn to follow your own lead about people who dont value you to ve wilking to commit as equally as you them.

 

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

Sorry I know not too many people care about gay relationships but any advice? (no homo though) My first relationship ended with me finding out he slept with his friend (who I hated to add), and I just walked away. I was really young at the time and not a very good partner, so I could understand that honestly.

But the second relationship I've ever been in last year was unforgivable. From the get-go he had no plans to commit, but constantly reassured me that he was 100% monagmous in all relationships and never cheated. I have never been such a good partner to anyone in my entire life, not even my closest friends in the past or family members. I've also got a really low sex drive and have trouble finding men to be attractive, so it's rare for me to be so physically and emotionally attracted to someone. I've never felt this way about anyone before. I went all out to make this person happy and take care of all of his needs, and I could tell I was improving his life quite a bit. For the first time ever in my life I think I was genuinely happy. I found his condom stash pretty early on in the beginning, and two months later about 2-3 were missing. Maybe this is paranoia but I suspected he was sleeping around ever since then but brainwashed myself with denial because I thought "there's no way someone would take the lie this far and be okay with themselves." He really seemed like such a great and loving/caring 30-year-old man. Towards the end of the relationship I was totally physically and emotionally neglected, and I knew he used grindr in the past. I downloaded it and logged on while at his apartment, and found an empty profile looking for ass 4 feet away from me. I was mortified but waited until he woke up to confront him about it (it was late at night when I found out.)

So I slept with him one last time and was pretty aggressive in bed--he definitely hated it because he doesn't like to bottom anyway. I guess I was just after vengeance, then I stated that I want to break up pretty soon afterwards. When confronted about the profile he tried to swifly delete it when I wasn't looking and this greatly angered me even more than if he had just apologized and took ownership of the promiscuous behavior. He then told me , "I don't think I can be in a relationship right now." He started to call himself pathetic out of self pity and crying. I can't handle gay men crying, it totally deflected my anger and I get all soft and touchy. He tried to get me to "be on a break" with him and when he was ready to be in a relationship again we would try again. I wasn't down to be manipulated by someone I loved anymore than I already was, so that guy can smd. I hope he was pissed I gave him that good D one last time before immediately breaking up with him. It may help to know that from the beginning I told him I struggle with addictions and he was really supportive. Most gay men would have totally shut you down. It made me let me guard down entirely. I've never let my addictions affect my partner, as I'm pretty good at hiding them.

In retrospect I know this is not a cool way to break up with somone, and I definitely didn't feel good doing that to anyone. It sound so absurd to say but I thought that I had found my soul-mate this time around. I wouldn't have minded spending my life with him if he didn't pursue other guys. We dated for 6 entire months with him lying to my face on a daily basis. I wondered if he was a socipath but I confirmed that he wasn't based on some behavior from him that was at points human. Ever since the relationship ended I've been trying to focus on myself but my drug use has really been higher than ever so I must be pretty hurt even 4 months after it ended. I've tried to hookup with other men after but the entire time I was just thinking about him and I never enjoyed it with others since the breakup.

I don't want to enter relationships anymore if they all end the same way--crying when caught cheating and never taking credibility for any of their actions like children. I've never cheated and I never will, because I know what it's like twice now. I'm not sure if gay men can even handle monogamy, that's something I'm trying to find out. And maybe even I could overlook the cheating if he didn't neglect me or stretch the lies out so far. I'm 26 right now, so there will be a million more men to make me depressed and miserable. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to approach relationships anymore? Sometimes there isn't red flags that someone will be unfaithful, and everyone seems so fantastic in the beginning. Not to be cocky, but I'm a really attractive and masculine white etchnically mixed gay man and I look athletically built. Maybe that is cocky, but I've got a great schlong, ass, and sexy super green eyes and I'm really affectionate and good at cuddling and always give them lots of attention. I've been told I'm attractive my entire life but I know that love isn't about physicality and about what's on the inside.

Am I the only one who feels this hopeless with relationships after repeatedly being crapped on and cheated on desipte how good of a partner they try to be? Is this my fault? He deleted messages, constantly told lies within seconds, and tried his best to seem like a great person. I don't know how I'm supposed to be in more after an experience like this. I'll always be wondering if my partner is lying when he says "i love you" or if he's sleeping around. My trust was already bad because of the first relationship, and now it's drastically worse. If anything good came from this it's that I maintained respect for myself by leaving him. Now that I know, his ex before me probably found out about the cheating several times but was unable to leave because trust me... my lover is manipulative and plays head games with all his relationships. It's horrible.

Unfortunately what you are describing is extremely common among gay men/or the so called LGBT 'community'. There's lots of cheating, lots of lying/backstabbing, and little honesty.

Also how are you meeting these men or where do you meet them? In bars? On apps/websites? Through other gay/bisexual friends?

I am bisexual and have dated/had relationships with women and men and almost all of them have cheated on me, and none of the relationships were monogamous. So you are not alone. I was told in my early 20s the first time I went into an LGBT bar that monogamy among bisexual and gay men or male/male relationships is extremely rare. I know gay and bisexual men who love to claim that they are monogamous or very early on were monogamous but there's lots of cheating, lying, and abuse going on.

I just stay single because I do not like hook ups/sex with strangers, and there's lots of HIV and other diseases among gay men and the LGBT population where I am from, it has been this way since the early 1980s and I was never into unsafe sex, high risk sex, or the whole PNP thing where people have unsafe sex while on all sort of drugs.

Also, if you know someone is not going to be monogamous-if you want a monogamous relationship, or they just want sex, or they are sending up red flags that they are not going to be a good partner, avoid them. It will take time to learn the warning signs or red flags and how to pick up on them.

If someone is manipulating you or psychologically abusing you, they are not a good partner and it is not a healthy relationship and you should break up with them and cut off all contact.

Do not beat yourself up for getting with people who are manipulative, abusive, or who cheat. People like this are very good at hiding how toxic they really are.

 

[w01fg4ng]

I just stay single because I do not like hook ups/sex with strangers

That's ass-backwards.

 

[GetMeOutOfThisCRAP]

Unfortunately what you are describing is extremely common among gay men/or the so called LGBT 'community'. There's lots of cheating, lots of lying/backstabbing, and little honesty.

Also how are you meeting these men or where do you meet them? In bars? On apps/websites? Through other gay/bisexual friends?

I am bisexual and have dated/had relationships with women and men and almost all of them have cheated on me, and none of the relationships were monogamous. So you are not alone. I was told in my early 20s the first time I went into an LGBT bar that monogamy among bisexual and gay men or male/male relationships is extremely rare. I know gay and bisexual men who love to claim that they are monogamous or very early on were monogamous but there's lots of cheating, lying, and abuse going on.

I just stay single because I do not like hook ups/sex with strangers, and there's lots of HIV and other diseases among gay men and the LGBT population where I am from, it has been this way since the early 1980s and I was never into unsafe sex, high risk sex, or the whole PNP thing where people have unsafe sex while on all sort of drugs.

Also, if you know someone is not going to be monogamous-if you want a monogamous relationship, or they just want sex, or they are sending up red flags that they are not going to be a good partner, avoid them. It will take time to learn the warning signs or red flags and how to pick up on them.

If someone is manipulating you or psychologically abusing you, they are not a good partner and it is not a healthy relationship and you should break up with them and cut off all contact.

Do not beat yourself up for getting with people who are manipulative, abusive, or who cheat. People like this are very good at hiding how toxic they really are.

Are you saying that I should just abandon the concept of monogamy and do open relationships? Even if this relationship in the thread became open because say I had no self-respect for myself and didn't care about the cheating, like you said I can't be with someone manipulative like him. How am I supposed to draw the like between gay men not being able to hande monogamy versus one being a manipulative asshole?

I don't know why I have no desire to sleep with multiple people at once, it's never been like that. Maybe because it's inherited and my dad is the same way, I know he never cheated on my mother. I've never slept with two people in the same week even while single. But I seem to be the only one that gets his needs from one person lol. It's just not appealing for my ego to bang two guys in the same day. I guess because I can get my needs from one person I end up putting too much effort into monogamy because it's that rewarding for me.

PS first relationship was with someone I met at a party and hit it off by talking to them. This one was from grindr. We agreed to abandon the app when we starting dating. I know it's dumb but honestly it had been so many years without not even going on dates with anyone that I kind of brainwashed myself into making it work. Lesson learned I guess.

People don't really want to date me. I'm pretty awkward, and I'm in a doctoral program so I barely have time for them. They'd rather hook up with me because they think I'm cute but weird af, so that's why this guy stood out I guess. I'm a nice guy but gay men interpret me as malicious so frequently when they don't know me. I don't seem gay and I think that they don't like straight guys, who I've spent my entire life around and behave like. Really 5 years before anyone ever wanted to spend time with me. Did I do the right thing by dumping this guy? Because if they all can't be monogamous, why should I bother becoming angry over people like this and just not accept them?

 

[✿Dai₷y✿]

Sometimes it takes trying on fifty pairs of jeans to find the perfect fit, it will take less time and cause less stress to you if you treat potential partners like jeans and discard those that don't fit what you're after sooner than later .

What a the point in being monogamous without being in a relationship anyway, that's just an excuse in case they are caught fucking someone else or just ditching and disappearing then hooking up with someone else .

 

[GetMeOutOfThisCRAP]

Thank you everyone for your advice/insight. I don't mean to say that I'm "monogamous" outside of a relationship, just that I don't find it pleasurable to have multiple partners at the same time even with hookups. It's just how I'm built for some reason. I literally can't cheat, so there's a disconnect with me not understanding why people act out in that way so frequently.

This thread paints my ex as a douchebag, and while he totally is unfortunately it was the best relationship I've been in. We always got along and enjoyed each other's company. We shared similar interests when almost nobody has the same interests as me. It was all just very confusing and I had goggles on that didn't allow me to see what was really happening. I was so attracted to him and afraid of leaving because it had been so long since I've had anyone show interest in me romantically--to the point I allowed myself to be manipulated. I don't have much experience in relationships and the longest one I've been in was only 1 year. If he never cheated and gave me a bit more attention, I would have wanted to stay with him for potentially life.

My first relationship was just a plethora of fighting and "why won't you let me meet your parents?" I wasn't out at the time. By the way I'm going on my first real date with a guy tonight since this ended, wish me luck! He's much finer than my evil bastard ex

 

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

Are you saying that I should just abandon the concept of monogamy and do open relationships? Even if this relationship in the thread became open because say I had no self-respect for myself and didn't care about the cheating, like you said I can't be with someone manipulative like him. How am I supposed to draw the like between gay men not being able to hande monogamy versus one being a manipulative asshole?

I don't know why I have no desire to sleep with multiple people at once, it's never been like that. Maybe because it's inherited and my dad is the same way, I know he never cheated on my mother. I've never slept with two people in the same week even while single. But I seem to be the only one that gets his needs from one person lol. It's just not appealing for my ego to bang two guys in the same day. I guess because I can get my needs from one person I end up putting too much effort into monogamy because it's that rewarding for me.

PS first relationship was with someone I met at a party and hit it off by talking to them. This one was from grindr. We agreed to abandon the app when we starting dating. I know it's dumb but honestly it had been so many years without not even going on dates with anyone that I kind of brainwashed myself into making it work. Lesson learned I guess.

People don't really want to date me. I'm pretty awkward, and I'm in a doctoral program so I barely have time for them. They'd rather hook up with me because they think I'm cute but weird af, so that's why this guy stood out I guess. I'm a nice guy but gay men interpret me as malicious so frequently when they don't know me. I don't seem gay and I think that they don't like straight guys, who I've spent my entire life around and behave like. Really 5 years before anyone ever wanted to spend time with me. Did I do the right thing by dumping this guy? Because if they all can't be monogamous, why should I bother becoming angry over people like this and just not accept them?

No that is not what I was saying. I was agreeing with what you wrote in your original topic. You will know the difference between someone who is manipulative, and a boyfriend/partner who wants an open relationship-if that's what you want or agree upon, as you will discuss the open relationship, boundaries, etc. I had an open relationship with a bisexual ex of mine and he's the only man who did not cheat on me or lie to me.

If you want a monogamous relationship tell the men who you meet or date this. Do not stop being exactly who you are. There are monogamous bisexual and gay men out there, but it takes time to find them and you will not meet them on apps or in bars. If someone thinks you are malicious just because you can be awkward or do not act like the majority of men who you meet who are the same sexuality as you they are not worth your time.

Does the university you attend have an LGBT student centre or student groups? Those can be very good places to meet people. What are you getting your PhD. in?

 

[GetMeOutOfThisCRAP]

No that is not what I was saying. I was agreeing with what you wrote in your original topic. You will know the difference between someone who is manipulative, and a boyfriend/partner who wants an open relationship-if that's what you want or agree upon, as you will discuss the open relationship, boundaries, etc. I had an open relationship with a bisexual ex of mine and he's the only man who did not cheat on me or lie to me.

If you want a monogamous relationship tell the men who you meet or date this. Do not stop being exactly who you are. There are monogamous bisexual and gay men out there, but it takes time to find them and you will not meet them on apps or in bars. If someone thinks you are malicious just because you can be awkward or do not act like the majority of men who you meet who are the same sexuality as you they are not worth your time.

Does the university you attend have an LGBT student centre or student groups? Those can be very good places to meet people. What are you getting your PhD. in?

Out of curiostiy, are straight women less likely to cheat than gay men? How do you find the relationships to have different dynamics?

There is an LGBT group, but I'm much older than the other students in that group who generally range from 18-20. I'm completing it in music so I can one day teach at an adjunct faculty or faculty at a uni. I went to one of the top tier music schools in the US before this for masters. I know alot of people don't find that to be a legitimate field but I have a lot of aquiantances who are doing great right now and I want to follow the path they took. Plus the degree ended up being totally free so it made sense to me to jump in. Past two years have been more work than I ever could have imagined especially if you're active in band/orchestra gig type scenes and taking pro auditions. I could have majored in something like science or business but I couldn't quit playing and teaching.

 

[Foreigner]

It's a combo of you under valuing yourself and that we currently live in a culture that does not value commitment.

You only have control over one of those.

 

[Korana]

I'm so sorry. I was cheated on mercilessly by my first love. He even convinced me that people can edit text messages and that the ones his continuous fling showed me were fake. Seriously. I was so in love after being closed hearted and a scoff all my life that it broke my confidence as well as my heart. I chased that SOAB out of the country. For months I revenged him until he couldn't cope. I even dated his best childhood friend for years after. I was relentless... It never made me feel any better about myself for more than an hour.

If you already struggle with self esteem (and sometimes don't even know it) then having people do this to you can create a void for years and years.

I'm shacked up with my best friend from my early teens who actually fell in love at first site and has never loved anyone else since. It took me 15 years and many horrible soul crushing relationships to find my way to him. I love him dearly and forever. If soul mates exists he's the one. But I wasn't looking for him and I wasn't looking for anyone. I was enjoying my own company and learning to care about myself.

I guess I'm telling you that you'll recover somewhat, maybe get hurt again, maybe not. But you can and will find someone if you work on your relationship with yourself, make mistakes, learn to love yourself and be open to someone who will truly love you.
Infatuation is so powerful and thrilling but it's not love. Enjoy some infatuation, hopefully meet love.
Don't give up. Recover as you need and be open to a relationship again.
I hate the stereotype that gay relationships are al about cheating. Love is love. Crappy people are crappy regardless of sexual orientation.

I hope you'll be okay
Also - werk. the anger bang was awesome.

 

[GetMeOutOfThisCRAP]

I'm so sorry. I was cheated on mercilessly by my first love. He even convinced me that people can edit text messages and that the ones his continuous fling showed me were fake. Seriously. I was so in love after being closed hearted and a scoff all my life that it broke my confidence as well as my heart. I chased that SOAB out of the country. For months I revenged him until he couldn't cope. I even dated his best childhood friend for years after. I was relentless... It never made me feel any better about myself for more than an hour.

If you already struggle with self esteem (and sometimes don't even know it) then having people do this to you can create a void for years and years.

I'm shacked up with my best friend from my early teens who actually fell in love at first site and has never loved anyone else since. It took me 15 years and many horrible soul crushing relationships to find my way to him. I love him dearly and forever. If soul mates exists he's the one. But I wasn't looking for him and I wasn't looking for anyone. I was enjoying my own company and learning to care about myself.

I guess I'm telling you that you'll recover somewhat, maybe get hurt again, maybe not. But you can and will find someone if you work on your relationship with yourself, make mistakes, learn to love yourself and be open to someone who will truly love you.
Infatuation is so powerful and thrilling but it's not love. Enjoy some infatuation, hopefully meet love.
Don't give up. Recover as you need and be open to a relationship again.
I hate the stereotype that gay relationships are al about cheating. Love is love. Crappy people are crappy regardless of sexual orientation.

I hope you'll be okay
Also - werk. the anger bang was awesome.

Haha thanks for this post Yes the anger bang was a good one. In the end though, vengeance just makes two people hurt instead of one.

I've always struggled with self esteem for some reason. This definitely made my confidence shift to an all-time-low, but seeing that another man could be attracted to me and enjoy my company definitely made me feel wanted again. Happy you found someone that isn't a piece of shit. It sounds like you know what it's like to feel this way and have overcame it!

 

[GetMeOutOfThisCRAP]

It was pretty hard posting this and reliving it all but I feel much better about what happened and have clarity.. thanks so much everyone.

 

[✿Dai₷y✿]

Hope you feel on top of the world soon!

I dgaf about being in a relationship to the point of allergy symptoms to men , did at one time have feels of needing a boyfriend and don't ever want that yuck feeling again.

The only person you are stuck with forever is you so up to you if you make more time for yourself to be happy before adding someone else in .

 

[GetMeOutOfThisCRAP]

Sure you don't want to be my boyfriend pluggle? I'm pretty fly i swear. (unless you're female)

 

[MonkeysOnEcstacy]

I'm sure she could strap one on for ya

 

[✿Dai₷y✿]

I have seriously fucked up taste in men, the worst, been happily single and not had any bullshit to do with relationships for years.


It's a but lonely and all at times I would never waste time with being treated like shit or not knowing where I stand with anyone.


It's a waste of time, spend v it with some one who you would know isnt a good fit, it wont get any better so move on. :D