herbavore
Bluelight Crew
What a great thread. Thanks, RL.
There are so many things that people have already written that I would love to second. The first is what Slimvictor said about going through difficulties or struggles, even traumas, and surviving them. Our impulse when faced with these situations is to run. One of the best metaphors I ever got for how to deal with what scares me was an underlying principle of judo. In judo, you take the attackers punch or kick and instead of trying to block it (and making yourself more vulnerable and off balance), you instead grasp what is coming at you and pull in the same direction while stepping out of the way; this puts the attacker off balance himself. In other words, you use the negative energy coming at you to your advantage and you simply keep it moving in that direction away from you.
That is an example of the actual body mechanics you would use in a physical attack. What I love is turning that into a metaphor for the other aspects of my life--the psychological attackers that come from within or without my own mind. Most of my fears when I was younger --fears about how I looked, how I was perceived or how desirable I was as a friend or lover could really be boiled down to the fear of loneliness. I decided to confront my fear of loneliness by learning to be alone. I concentrated on not needing other people to make me feel good (or bad) about myself. For the first time in my life (I was about 25) I didn't have a lover and I learned to sleep alone, eat alone, go to movies alone, confront my boredom alone. I even went out to clubs and bars and heard music alone. I went camping alone. The result of embracing my fear was that I completely killed it. I found that because I didn't need people to fulfill my own needs that it was so much easier and healthier to be with them. It was a choice, not a need.
What I did was pretty extreme but the same thing can be done in baby steps. What if you can't stop worrying about yourself and your mind is clogged with all sorts of negative self talk? Maybe the solution is to dedicate one day a week where you simply don't think about you--you only think about others. Do nice things for other people or for animals or for the planet. Get out of your own mind and just tell your own needs that you aren't ignoring them, just taking a break. Doing nice things for others has a double benefit--it gets you out of yourself and it lets you see that you are far from alone in your suffering.
One other thing that has been mentioned is exercise. Feeling healthy in your body is such a win in itself but an equally important aspect is developing discipline. I have always struggled with discipline--if it didn't come easy to me, I couldn't stick with it. Forcing myself to do strength training at my age got me right out of my comfort zone. I get confidence both from the way I feel and the fact that I am sticking to something that doesn't come easy. (Well, usually sticking to it...8))
I have talked about this before a lot: "Fake it 'til you make it" is something my mother taught me when I was a painfully shy little girl that had to start at a new school about every two years. It totally works. So much of human interaction is perception. Change people's perception and you change their response and that changes you. It almost feels like magic sometimes.
The last thing that I can think of is to follow absolutely every single interest you have--spinning poi, cooking, hiking, painting, music, writing, horseback riding--whatever! Develop your passions--give yourself over to them. Allow yourself to be a beginner without any shame or embarrassment and then build your skills. Finding others at your level to practice your passion with is a great way not to get discouraged. Seeing others vulnerability takes the sting out of your own.
You really are what all those smarmy cliches say you are: you are beautiful because you are you. There is no other and there never will be. Some people spend all their time and energy in looking for the one person in the world who will see them for the person they really are and love them for it. In fact, you already have that person in your life because you are that person.Self acceptance is a process; it doesn't come factory installed. That is why this thread is so great. We can share what we have learned and help each other out. Bottom line is that it comes from doing what you find hard to do, whatever that is.
There are so many things that people have already written that I would love to second. The first is what Slimvictor said about going through difficulties or struggles, even traumas, and surviving them. Our impulse when faced with these situations is to run. One of the best metaphors I ever got for how to deal with what scares me was an underlying principle of judo. In judo, you take the attackers punch or kick and instead of trying to block it (and making yourself more vulnerable and off balance), you instead grasp what is coming at you and pull in the same direction while stepping out of the way; this puts the attacker off balance himself. In other words, you use the negative energy coming at you to your advantage and you simply keep it moving in that direction away from you.
That is an example of the actual body mechanics you would use in a physical attack. What I love is turning that into a metaphor for the other aspects of my life--the psychological attackers that come from within or without my own mind. Most of my fears when I was younger --fears about how I looked, how I was perceived or how desirable I was as a friend or lover could really be boiled down to the fear of loneliness. I decided to confront my fear of loneliness by learning to be alone. I concentrated on not needing other people to make me feel good (or bad) about myself. For the first time in my life (I was about 25) I didn't have a lover and I learned to sleep alone, eat alone, go to movies alone, confront my boredom alone. I even went out to clubs and bars and heard music alone. I went camping alone. The result of embracing my fear was that I completely killed it. I found that because I didn't need people to fulfill my own needs that it was so much easier and healthier to be with them. It was a choice, not a need.
What I did was pretty extreme but the same thing can be done in baby steps. What if you can't stop worrying about yourself and your mind is clogged with all sorts of negative self talk? Maybe the solution is to dedicate one day a week where you simply don't think about you--you only think about others. Do nice things for other people or for animals or for the planet. Get out of your own mind and just tell your own needs that you aren't ignoring them, just taking a break. Doing nice things for others has a double benefit--it gets you out of yourself and it lets you see that you are far from alone in your suffering.
One other thing that has been mentioned is exercise. Feeling healthy in your body is such a win in itself but an equally important aspect is developing discipline. I have always struggled with discipline--if it didn't come easy to me, I couldn't stick with it. Forcing myself to do strength training at my age got me right out of my comfort zone. I get confidence both from the way I feel and the fact that I am sticking to something that doesn't come easy. (Well, usually sticking to it...8))
I have talked about this before a lot: "Fake it 'til you make it" is something my mother taught me when I was a painfully shy little girl that had to start at a new school about every two years. It totally works. So much of human interaction is perception. Change people's perception and you change their response and that changes you. It almost feels like magic sometimes.
The last thing that I can think of is to follow absolutely every single interest you have--spinning poi, cooking, hiking, painting, music, writing, horseback riding--whatever! Develop your passions--give yourself over to them. Allow yourself to be a beginner without any shame or embarrassment and then build your skills. Finding others at your level to practice your passion with is a great way not to get discouraged. Seeing others vulnerability takes the sting out of your own.
You really are what all those smarmy cliches say you are: you are beautiful because you are you. There is no other and there never will be. Some people spend all their time and energy in looking for the one person in the world who will see them for the person they really are and love them for it. In fact, you already have that person in your life because you are that person.Self acceptance is a process; it doesn't come factory installed. That is why this thread is so great. We can share what we have learned and help each other out. Bottom line is that it comes from doing what you find hard to do, whatever that is.
Last edited:
