Where did the happiness go?

[SmokeaJoint]

Ok, a short story first. Please bear with me.

In middle school, I started smoking pot and using LSD. I did it because life can be a bitch, and weed made the whole pile of shit smell better. Acid was like opening my eyes for the first time, and there was no going back to willing soberiety. I became the guy that would try any drug, just once for all, more if I liked it. Issue was, and still is, I like em all. Seriously, out of all the drugs I've done, MDPV is the only one I will avoid forever, and thats because I don't like the lack of euphoria. I progressed all the way up to heroin, meth, cocaine, and MDMA. Don't get me wrong here, I'm not in denial. I'm a complete addict, and my life and thoughts continually revolve around drugs and getting money for drugs. So far, I've managed to keep my responsibilities in life over my useage, but I get closer and closer each line to just quitting life and attempting to be wholey consumed by usage.

Now, why? If I'm realizing that the spiral is headed out of control, and I can still stop it, why don't I? To be frank, its because life wasn't worth living prior to drugs. Before I started smoking pot, I had tried to kill myself 6 times, and failed. Taking 35 ambien with a 5th of vodka and waking up in the hospital throwing up activated charcoal is no way to spend 7th grade though. I found that with a bowl to even me out, I could cope with life more. Well, then I became a criminal. Doomed either to sober up and kill myself, or live under permanent fear of the law.

I don't know how to live sober, yet my extreme drug abuse is surely killing me. I know the speedballs sure are hard on me, and I've taken more than the LD50 in coke and meth so many times I wonder why I can still type this. I know I'm depressed, yet those fucking pharmas wont do shit after a life of hard drug abuse. Counciling is a fail, because although I realize my problems, and can see possible solutions, I have no will to change. Being high all the time is just as much a non-answer. I've tried it, and it never brings permanent happiness. Its a temporary relief to a permanent problem.

So I ask you, the Bluelight community, where is all the happiness at? Where did it go? And can I have some please?

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Try moving to California, and getting a medical card. That way you won't be a criminal for simply possessing and smoking marijuana.

If you already know you like it, and it helps you, why not?

In the meantime, while you aren't in California, learn your rights.

 

[SmokeaJoint]

I'm in Oregon where we have MMJ, but cheaper than Cali's weed. Thing is, I can't grow due to my current situation and clubs are non-existant. So you have to either know a grower/caretaker or break the law to get your meds here.

Not to mention weed doesn't alleviate my cravings for hard drugs. Helps, but doesn't cure at all.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

I'm in Oregon where we have MMJ, but cheaper than Cali's weed. Thing is, I can't grow due to my current situation and clubs are non-existant. So you have to either know a grower/caretaker or break the law to get your meds here.

Not to mention weed doesn't alleviate my cravings for hard drugs. Helps, but doesn't cure at all.

Do you have very specific cravings that will only be satiated by one drug (i.e. what are referred to as "heroin cravings" if you are only craving heroin), or are you craving multiple hard drugs (i.e. heroin, cocaine, or meth, but you're just craving something)?

Do you think you would consume hard drugs less often if you had weed? If so then it's still worth it so as to be able to cut back.

I can't believe that there aren't clubs there, and that you have to know a grower/caretaker. That's really shitty.

Nonetheless there are still alternatives to using hard drugs, and you still have a chance to live without cravings.

Have you considered seeing a psychiatrist for testing, or possibly just a clinician who will test for a specific disorder, perhaps ADD/ADHD? I didn't consider the idea that I have ADHD for a long time, even being a Psychology major, but after I was addicted to heroin and then eventually got clean, I realized this was one of the key reasons why I started using heroin in the first place, and why I was able to use it and not have to escalate my tolerance at an exponential rate, just a very slow and gradual one. Eventually my tolerance got to be too high, and even using some days (despite still using every day) was not monetarily feasible.

You mention having methamphetamine experience - have you tried an ADHD medication before? It is possible that you don't "crave" this, and that you can manage not to abuse it, and this will help with methamphetamine cravings specifically, and if you have ADD/ADHD, should help immensely with hard drug cravings or any type of cravings all together.

I certainly smoke less weed while on ADHD medication.

 

[SmokeaJoint]

Specific cravings not so much as blanket cravings. My spectrum of drugs I abuse is wide and varied. For the most part, I'd like to always have China White, cocaine, methamphetamines, and 4-MMC is starting to become another large part.

With the weed, its complex. For the most part, I'm fine with weed alone (hence the nick SaJ) but every so often I get that drive to do something harder and relapse into another months long bender of blanket substance abuse. The reason I began using in the first place was because my weed tolerance was so high I wanted to seek something else, but nobody in town had MDMA so we bought cocaine instead. God, but that was a long ass time ago!

My tolerance remains high, I'm pretty unable to quit due to me being dysfunctionally sober. And the high tolerance drives me to seek other, more potent, euphoric highs. And they lead me towards my death. Its become a vicious cycle of abuse, detox, and relapse.

EDIT: I was raised in foster care for much of my teen years, so I was able to see multiple psychiatric pros. I'm diagnosed bipolar, and I apparently have sociopathic tendancies, but I feel I have too much empathy to fit that label. Bipolar is a definate factor though. All through High School I took risperdol which is an atypical antipsychotic and an intense downer. Zombie pills, I called em. 500 mg a day, 3 doses.

I've "tried" ADHD meds before, but not as perscribed. I crushed em down and snorted em for a buzz. Just makes me with it was coke or mephedrone. I liked meth alot, but its not near as craved as cocaine, H, or even 4-MMC.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Specific cravings not so much as blanket cravings. My spectrum of drugs I abuse is wide and varied. For the most part, I'd like to always have China White, cocaine, methamphetamines, and 4-MMC is starting to become another large part.

With the weed, its complex. For the most part, I'm fine with weed alone (hence the nick SaJ) but every so often I get that drive to do something harder and relapse into another months long bender of blanket substance abuse. The reason I began using in the first place was because my weed tolerance was so high I wanted to seek something else, but nobody in town had MDMA so we bought cocaine instead. God, but that was a long ass time ago!

My tolerance remains high, I'm pretty unable to quit due to me being dysfunctionally sober. And the high tolerance drives me to seek other, more potent, euphoric highs. And they lead me towards my death. Its become a vicious cycle of abuse, detox, and relapse.

EDIT: I was raised in foster care for much of my teen years, so I was able to see multiple psychiatric pros. I'm diagnosed bipolar, and I apparently have sociopathic tendancies, but I feel I have too much empathy to fit that label. Bipolar is a definate factor though. All through High School I took risperdol which is an atypical antipsychotic and an intense downer. Zombie pills, I called em. 500 mg a day, 3 doses.

I've "tried" ADHD meds before, but not as perscribed. I crushed em down and snorted em for a buzz. Just makes me with it was coke or mephedrone. I liked meth alot, but its not near as craved as cocaine, H, or even 4-MMC.

Do you think you could use something like heroin once a week, while smoking weed the other 6 days of the week (maybe smoking a little weed with heroin on the 7th day)? Or once a month instead?

If one use triggers a "relapse" of uncontrollable drug abuse, maybe it would be better not to use any drugs, other than cannabis?

I used to be "somewhat" like that in the sense that I smoked a lot of weed and got too much of a tolerance to it, but it works 100% great for me now, and I have no cravings.

I tend to think this sort of thing gets better over time as you work towards a normal life, with or without drugs. Some people have to work on a normal life without drugs, other people can have a normal life with drugs, as long as they set their own personal boundaries and keep them consistent with reality.

My last piece of advice - have you considered expanding your usage of psychedelics? They aren't abused nearly as much as hard drugs, and a fair number of people have used psychedelics to overcome hard drug addictions, with mixed results but generally favorable results for at least some individuals.

 

[phactor]

I was a foster care caseworker for 2 years. I know you are a survivor and that you must be a strong person to get through it. I'd like to think that I was a good one. I tried really hard for my clients and tried to give them personal attention. Its a tough job, but it made me so humble and grateful.

Honestly, my happiness was very fleeting for my first month or two of sobriety, it slowly came back. Now my lows are very rare.

Abilify is working for alot of bi-polar patients maybe give that a try? Also, try to take at least a month or two off of everything. It can help put things in perspective. Feel free to PM.

 

[SmokeaJoint]

Do you think you could use something like heroin once a week, while smoking weed the other 6 days of the week (maybe smoking a little weed with heroin on the 7th day)? Or once a month instead?

If one use triggers a "relapse" of uncontrollable drug abuse, maybe it would be better not to use any drugs, other than cannabis?

I used to be "somewhat" like that in the sense that I smoked a lot of weed and got too much of a tolerance to it, but it works 100% great for me now, and I have no cravings.

I tend to think this sort of thing gets better over time as you work towards a normal life, with or without drugs. Some people have to work on a normal life without drugs, other people can have a normal life with drugs, as long as they set their own personal boundaries and keep them consistent with reality.

My last piece of advice - have you considered expanding your usage of psychedelics? They aren't abused nearly as much as hard drugs, and a fair number of people have used psychedelics to overcome hard drug addictions, with mixed results but generally favorable results for at least some individuals.

Well, usually I'd say that a small amount of use, say once weekly or monthly, likely would trigger a larger binge. However, I had 2 grams of cocaine last night, finished it off with a couple friends and smoked weed till I could fall asleep. Usually, I'd be waking up fiending from hell, but its not so. I feel fine, no urge to go out and spend fool amounts of money on white powder. I could go for another bowl, maybe, but thats not a bad thing.

Some drugs are easier than others to force moderate use. Like, with H its easier to put down and walk away from because of how non-functional I become after a while. It becomes inconvenient, although detox does suck. With 4-MMC, Ive had occassions where I could stop using long enough to get to sleep and maybe do some school work, and other times when I snort it and smoke it until the whole order is gone, in excess of a gram a day. Coke, Ive never been moderate with, until last night. So maybe thats a sign of good things to come, but IDK for sure.

As far as psychedelics go, I've used them a good bit. I find them non-abusable. LSD, shrooms, datura, all that kind of thing is maybe a twice a year ordeal. I've never had it do anything for addiction though, but I haven't done ibogaine either so meh.

As far as pills go, I really feel Big Pharma is selling me more dangerous drugs than some dealers. Weed does a good job of chilling me out for the most part, and I've been of crazy pills for 3 or so years now without too huge an issue.

 

[TheLostBoys]

Weed & alcohol for me does more bad than good as opposed to opiates, atleast thats how I feel.

It seems you have been & are trying to fill a void since your childhood with drugs. I too have used drugs to avoid the stresses of every day life. I cant imagine what you went threw growing up in foster care, not having the stability of your parents. You've made it this far which means you are a strong person. Just keep plugging away because some where, some how, there is light at the end of the tunnel.

 

[SmokeaJoint]

Thanks for the kind words. Alcohol is poison, but I'm sorry weed isn't benign for you. Without marijuana I likely would be dead by now lol.

 

[TINK]

Also the change in scenery might be a good thing. Try not falling back into the same patterns as before. Stop hanging out with people that have the similar drug use personalities.

And as CH said seek medical advice. I am a firm believer that self medicating is a marker of some underlying emotional issue, illness or trauma.

Good Luck