where am I heading.

[xxsicknessxx]

So after 9months sober I have picked up smoking weed again. Not my drug of choice. Just whats left to me. Even though I don't know what my suboxon doctor will say about it. Im hoping it will be ok. Should thought that before. I don't know.
So im puting that on the line. I got to say I like it in lots of ways but in a lot of ways I don't. I don't enjoy the up then down happy then sad feeling it gives. I don't like how it makes me unable to remember what I even did today. I don't like the weakness behind it. Maybe suboxon Dulls it. Or maybe its just from all my drug exp. But its not worth it. Yet I know im going to keep doing it. I don't know. Drinking is the only other choice. I don't enjoy that as much either plus I got a bad liver.

Yet i know my self. If I try to not to anything... know I can handle it for awhile but sooner or later I feel I will crack then maybe it won't be something harmless. Maybe it will be a darker drug. Sorta like the little house of horrors. I have this plant I have to feed if I don't it will kill me. So I feed it.

Don't know. Don't know what to do. Suboxon isn't enough. I have been craving drugs a lot recently. I thought weed would satisfy me but it has not. Only made my cravings worse. Now I already want something stronger.

Some advise? I know I can be drug free and that I like it however I don't choose that path. I don't understand why.

 

[badfish45]

If weed makes your cravings worse, I would overall suggest laying off drugs. I know many people who quit all drugs, and then started back up on weed which only led to further cravings for drugs. I'm guessing weed is the first drug you started. Well addiction is triggered by memories, so when your brain connects the feeling to the memory, it creates a satisfaction. So, I'm guessing weed began to give you a further interest on drugs, which may have led to further drug abuse. Do what you want, but this is just my two cents on the whole matter.

 

[xxsicknessxx]

WTF do I do man. I don't enjoy life sober. I mean. I have issues. From the time I was born to now I have had a lot of suffering. From operations I had to have to mental problems I delt with from being over weight then having a sugary to loose weight and ending up almost dead. I mean I have been through it. I have no memory of life before 18. None. I remember really well my drug years and thats it. Its all I know. I don't like the constant normal of being sober. But..... I don't know man. I don't know what to do. I know im going to mess up. and for me im on thin ice lets just say. I can't have screw ups.

 

[badfish45]

It's a tough situation man. Can you think of one thing that makes you happy when you're sober?

 

[xxsicknessxx]

ya. I can. very simple. I like having no fear. no worry. I love the constant feeling of normal. I love always feeling ok not feeling horrible or super great but just ok.

I don't know. its just. once certain acts have been done, once I have started a few bad habits I know the rest will follow. no matter anything. risk nothing will matter. I already feel it.

 

[badfish45]

What I found when I felt like this was that there were very many things in life that did make me happy, but I never found them until I tried to look for them and appreciate the small things. It sounds like drugs aren't making you much happier. Just give it a try in small doses, every few days try to go 24 hours sober, and just do your best to find something you like.

 

[herbavore]

stop the weed. It isn't even giving you anything positive. Nine months might feel long but it is not very long to establish yourself in your sober life. If you are used to doing a drug to alleviate anxiety, over-thinking, loneliness, whatever and you are confronted with not getting that relief, life can feel really overwhelming. This is still new. Learning how to handle all the stress in life is difficult but when you feel those little successes it will be the most freeing feeling in the world.

It almost sounds like you are trying to talk yourself into slipping. Try to focus on what you said about not having to feel the worry associated with your drug use. Try to remember how awful you used to feel (I've read your posts before and you have described it very well). Maybe that will help you past this craving that weed is bring up for you. But really, it seems obvious that you should try to stop smoking weed.

You have really impressed me over the last few months, xxsick, and it scares me to hear you sound so fatalistic. You are still in control. You know where you want to be and you know that the cravings are just that--cravings. That short term alleviation of misery will bury you in more misery. PM me anytime if you feel like it would help. What real life support have you got?

 

[dimitri420]

stop thinking you will screw up, i think the risk of relapse will be a lot greater the more certain you are that its going to happen. If you are certain that you can't use any drugs without going under its probably best to stop smoking pot. I myself stopt shooting amfetamin and opiats like 3 months ago. now i'm only taking pot, my medication (diazepam, flunitrazepam,pregabalin) and psychadelica, so far it satisfies my needs. sometimes i also save my lyrica for a few days to get my tolerance down, then i eat a pretty high dose. But i sometimes finds it hard to believe that this can go on forever...

I think you should recognize the signes of the behavior that will lead you relapse and try to change that behavior asap. maybe try something with a lot of adrenalin?

 

[xxsicknessxx]

its funny. I am saying things I have said before right before slipping. at the point in my life where things are just getting back to normal im ready to let it fall into the abyss.

I am more happy sober. Hell I have notes I wrote in psychosis begging me to not do drugs to quit it. How I was going insane.. shit I don't remember.

hmm.

I know better then this. I am going to go back to sober. The fact is once I forgot what the drugs were life I no longer craved them. What I have done up till now only made me thing of more harder drugs. I made a mistake. A very costly mistake. To remember is horrible. I wish I could undo this.

Thank you. Thanks herb. A lot.
I am going back to sober. I guess I will have to deal with what I have done so far. I can't undo shit. I guess I got to unlearn drugs all over again. At least I caught it now. I can say for sure I can give it up all very fast and easy
However I hope no one trys to prey on me. Being offered dope or something would be a very bad thing.

 

[herbavore]

It's a relief to hear you talk that way. I know it is hard for you and everybody else that has to go through this. The thing to remember is that you are not that far into it so it makes sense that it is still very fragile. It's important to remember that it was all the hardship in your life that drove you into addiction in the first place, then addiction prevented you from learning non-drug ways to cope. Now you are still experiencing the hardship of getting and staying sober so expecting yourself to have non-drug coping skills is expecting a lot out of yourself. Those come with time. Not having them right now does not mean that you never will or are incapable.

How's your living situation BTW? Did that all get sorted out?

 

[Missykins]

Other than taking Suboxone, what else do you do to remain sober? Do you participate in AA/NA or other support group? Do you have sober friends
or friends in recovery? Do you have a therapist? You need to have something.

And I know you don't like it when I say this, but snorting Suboxone is not sober behaviour. If you've stopped, that's great. It's not meant to hurt
your feelings, embarrass you, or make you feel weak. It's coming from someone who's been there.

I remember your post from a few weeks past and I remember being concerned. Using weed, booze, coke, speed, prescription drugs, using your
prescribed meds in a way in which they were not intended, etc., are all not sober behaviour, even if they are not your drugs of choice. They are
gateways. They lead to relapse.

 

[Missykins]

OP--When you quit using, do you feel as if you had "hit bottom?"

In early recovery, many people either feel elated ("pink elephant") or bored and depressed. It's really hard to stay clean
without some sort of support system in place. I always suggest that people give NA or AA a chance and approach it
with an open mind. Or just having friends that are also in recovery that you can talk to can help. Surround yourself by
people who share your goal of sobriety. Provided that's your goal. It may not be. Some people give up their DOC and
continue to use other drugs without harm. That's the minority. But that's your choice. IMO, it's the wrong choice to
make because while it may be a different substance, it's the same neural circuit. It primes the brain for relapse.

 

[ChaosBuild3]

Ah its not an easy thing to do man, it's a process im sure you know. I do agree that you should try and get a support group though. Even if its only 1 person, just someone you can be 100% honest with, and not have to worry about being judged or shunned. That's a lifesaver in itself. Keep a positive outlook on life and more importantly, yourself. Badfish had some really good points, I would try and listen to a lot of what he has to say regarding your situation. As far as your "Little Horror Shop" goes, you need to chop that plant up! hehe Easier said than done i know. To be honest with you, i feel the same way. I limit myself on my partying though, i cut loose every now and then, but i have enough space in between to where i know whats in control and thats me, not the substance. Someone told me once, that you do the drug, dont let the drug do you. I would be really careful until you can trust yourself to control your habit. Hope this helps my friend, wish ya the best of luck. Feel free to PM me if you need any other help.

 

[jelyse69]

What I found when I felt like this was that there were very many things in life that did make me happy, but I never found them until I tried to look for them and appreciate the small things. It sounds like drugs aren't making you much happier. Just give it a try in small doses, every few days try to go 24 hours sober, and just do your best to find something you like.

Amazing advice. Could not of said it better myself.