When you realize you have a problem

[JGR565]

First time poster. I've looked through this forum before for advice on ingestion. About 2 years of opiate abuse here. Friend showed me Oxy and everything was cool. Take 7.5 on a Sunday to cure a hangover. But then I snorted it, and it was over. 7.5 became 15 became whole 30mg pills. Then 2, 3, 6, 8, even 12 in a day.

I've detoxed seriously maybe 5 or 6 times, 3 weeks being my longest stint.

Hoping that posting here will motivate me. I spent 2 days this past weekend going through a rough detox, and on the 3rd day, went out and got high on a 6 30's throughout the day. Next day wasn't terrible as I had some adderral and made it through work. Here I am today. Everything was ok. I wasn't feeling great (still detoxing a little), but wasn't awful. I was at work, going about my day to day, when my brain just found a reason. A few calls and texts later, and I've consumed 4 30's throughout the day.

Tomorrow won't be awful, but it won't be great. My question for everyone is this-

How do you over come the idea that you'll never be allowed to experience that awesome feeling again. I hate what it has done to my bank account, and I'm tired of lying. I made 6 figures for the first time in my life last year, and my bank account currently sits at -900+ dollars because I can't seem to say no.

I've come to a conclusion. I'm clearing my phone, deleting all contacts related, destroying call logs, and erasing all ability to contact those who can provide. I'm hoping in this that when I have a craving, I'll have no option even (I only have 2 people I go to, and they don't proactively text or call me) to get a hold of anything so I'll have to find solace in that and hopefully come out feeling like I've made a good choice.

And if they do for whatever reason call or text me, I need to maintain the mental strength for just a few short minute to delete everything again, and then I'll be free. Nothing else seems to work.

On top of it all, I share in the idea of Existential Nihilism (basically, life is pointless) to some degree, and have for almost most of my life, even pre-use.

I used to have nice things, new clothes, girlfriends, savings. I'm still well loved by those around me, but feel like a slave to a drug. Like I can't be my best self unless I'm high. But you know what, it sucks, because I'm the best possible person I can be when I'm high. I'm kind, caring, will go out and do spontaneous things, connect with old friends, help family and friends, visit grandparents. I didn't want to do that stuff before, and only did it out of guilt. When I'm high, I actually want to, and become this super version of myself.

TL;DR - How do I find that super version of me sober? How do I feel meaningful? I know that if I can find meaning, I'll find purpose, and with that will come the drive to work toward being a better person and I'll be excited to get up every day and live. I see SOOOOO many people who are just happy. Right around 15-16 (I'm very late 20's now), I discovered that real meaning comes from hard work, but I hate hard work, and there for never wanted to work at anything. And because I wasn't working at something, I felt crappy. A vicious cycle.

I have a WONDERFUL and AMAZING family (who don't know a thing, but for the past 6 months have been concerned that I'm broke and depressed), I have an A+ job that I'm very good at, exceptional people skills, and really do have a good life. Why is that I need a stupid drug to make everything ok? I've always been an escapist, be it video games, then pot, then pills.

I've worked hard 2 times in my life.
1) Lost 120 lbs so I could get girls. Got a girlfriend and realized I didn't want it. Felt like a lot of work for nothing
2) Recieved special honors in my job in my first year by working extra hard and made a bunch of money. At this point, I was already in to the pills, so I don't even know what it's like to enjoy being financially free.

I'm just lost on this. I'm hoping by deleting all of the info, I can stay strong. That, or I'm moving out of state and changing my number, and by forced sobriety, I'll be able to last a month or 2 to start, get back to enjoying life without pills, and hopefully beat this thing.

Wow... this was long. apparently I needed to get this off my chest.

Any advice, or just comments are appreciated. I just don't want this to go unread.....

 

[O-pan-na]

Bro I appreciate you taking the time to post your concerns and feelings it helps getting things off your mind and voicing your thoughts. First of all in order to quit you have to actually want to quit. Until you actually want to quit for good you will continue this process you are currently in and will have no money and nothing good to show for all your hard work making your $. The reason you are feeling so miserable and shitty is because when you take opioids for a long time your brain gets used to the drug making you happy so it slacks off while the pill is at work but once you stop taking it the brain is still slacking off and does not remember how to make those feel good endorphin's on its own and that is why you feel like shit and are depressed about your good life! Think about it like this, every time you take a pill you open a door inside your brain (1000 pills=1000 doors) so once you stop taking them all those doors are still open and you have to wait as they close 1 day at a time to get back to the beginning. so you have a process that you have to go through in order to get back to your normal self and once all is said and done you will still always crave that feeling. Its a fighting battle of willpower for the rest of your life! Find it inside your self to fight this and you will eventually get your happiness back I promise you that you just have to believe that it will happen eventually even though it will be extremely hard process and it will test your willpower to the fullest!

 

[mrsnowygrainius]

get on suboxone, NOT methadone... suboxone. you mentioned you made 6 figures so I assume you could afford the subs right?

seriously Id highly consider getting on a suboxone maintenance program, again do NOT consider methadone it is not an option for you,suboxone would work well for you I believe. If you have ne questions about what its like being on subs long term hit me up

 

[deos68]

use suboxone instead of methadone

 

[manboychef]

Try suboxone. You also need to couple this with some therapy and a plan on how to stay sober. I wouldn't stay on suboxone for a long time. Basically, you need to use suboxone to get your affairs in order, and learn a new set of behaviors.

The desire to use will always be there, however over time it will be easier and easier to deal with.

Part of opiate addiction is finding joy in using. It is a fake feeling of joy. You need to actively seek an activity that you like to do that you can replace using pills with. I have chosen gardening. I love it, it keeps me sober.