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When is it OK for a man to hit a woman?

MyDoorsAreOpen said:
I have a different take on this, and I'm going to touch a nerve here.

I think this endless controversial debate is actually a proxy, or even red herring, for an issue that's surprisingly much harder to talk about frankly, and tends to make the mood much more awkward. I'm talking here about the social fiction we keep up in society that being a potential physical threat no longer has any bearing on a man's social status. Well, as a man of slight build and gentle nature, I've been shown numerous times just how much a fiction this is.

Reread One Thousand Words' post on page 1. Show me any man who says what he says with true conviction, and I'll show you a man who is probably big, obviously strong, and has many subtle physical and personality traits of a high testosterone male. This is not at all incompatible with being kind and loving in deeds and words -- as many women will conclude when they dig deep, "I want a nice guy made of badboy material." Such guys have nothing to prove to anyone, since just one look at them is all it takes 95% of people to know subconsciously that angering them is a bad idea. It's all about potential, not actual, violence. You either come off to people as someone with the unrealized capacity to do them harm, and you automatically get a good bit of respect, or you don't and you'll always have something to prove.

When a woman physically assaults a man, his status in the hierarchy of who has the potential to kick whose ass gets put into sharp focus, both for him and for others who witness or hear about the attack. For a clearly potentially menacing male who has nothing to prove to other men, simply refusing to take the female attacker seriously (let alone fight back) is the obvious solution. But for a man who isn't potentially menacing to anyone and has been differentially singled out for mistreatment at various points in his life, he's in a bit of a lose-lose situation. If he hits back, then he's showing everyone just how lowly and insecure he is. If he refuses to hit back, he stands an actual chance of being injured (most women are not THAT physically weak, especially ones who'd initiate a fistfight), or at the very least probably won't be able to deflect her attack gracefully on a moment's notice, and makes people think, "Wow, he's so wimpy even a girl can beat him up!" (And/or, "Wow, he's such a fool that he's an ass to people who are clearly willing and able to beat him up!")

So yes, while I agree that women are on average less physically threatening than men, I reckon that nine times out of ten, a man self-righteously enshrining this bit of chivalry is actually indirect advertising that he's top dog. And due to this indisputable general fact of sexual dimorphism, no man can say anything but nod in agreement, lest they both challenge the alpha male, and make themselves look lowly and depraved, in one fell swoop.

I'm against physical violence in general, always have been. I generally do my best to not do anything to anyone that would make most people angry enough to hit me. Or maybe I've just opted to run in social circles where people have too much to lose to resort to physical retaliation 99.9% of the time. But apparently I learned this lesson a bit too well. I was too people-stupid to realize that even in a world where actual physical violence is rarely seen, the perceived potential you have to bring physical harm on those who've wronged you still remains a key ingredient to how others regard and relate to you, at least as a male.

This is really the key to understanding my darker side and why I'm paradoxically both a humanitarian and a loner. I've got more of myself to give, and a deeper well of compassion, the less navigating of human (especially male) hierarchies of dominance I endure.
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Great post!!!it Hit home with me...
 
Hit a woman? Never in anger but can be justifiable in cases of obvious self-defense or to shock-steady a panicky lady who's "losing it" with SLIGHT slap on the cheek (if BF/husband nearby it's considered polite to ask him for kind permission to slap his wife, insinuating "wuss!" Don't recall ever hitting a woman or being struck by one despite having been married twice, not even as part of those somewhat twisted sex games some couples indulge in, such as fake rapes and kidnappings. If one needs that to come I'd say their union is pretty much kaput but hey, whatever floats your boat without rocking mine is cool with me. I'm a peace-loving guy.
 
It depends on the situation. I was in an abusive relationship, and because of my naturally submissive nature, I was an easy target for him. I never fought back or raised my voice to him. In those situations, it is not ok to lay a hand on a women. If the women is throwing the first punch, self defense is going to be the result. As a women, if I were to hit my man first then I would be asking for a fight. Its not ok for a women to hit a man either. And of course, the last scenario is in the BDSM lifestyle, where it is SSC, then yes it is ok ;-)
 
One Thousand Words said:
It is definitely a cultural thing. I don't know any family member who beats their wife. It might happen behind closed doors I don't know, but in my social circle violence isn't something that we celebrate, justified or not.
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I thought you were from NZ?
 
Only one, really. But wasn't that supposed to be realistic? Your fellows aren't psychopaths?
 
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