ShaariAvadon
Greenlighter
Sorry to winge on here, I know I havn't been here long, but it seems like a place where you can open up without judgement.
I don't know what's happening to me. Every time I start to get happy, or something looks like it's going right I start to get really anxious, neurotic and paranoid and ALWAYS ruin anything that looks like it might be going right before it even starts to go right. Every time.
I can't escape my thoughts, paranoid crazyness going through my head pretty much all the time, stupid scenarios that I know are not true run through my head over and over until I start to think they are, and have to tell myself harder and harder that it's not. But I just can't clear my mind, can't get any peace from stupid thoughts that constantly play on my mind. Every moment I'm awake and it's so depressing to be constantly thinking and convincing yourself that the worst will always happen and looking on this beautiful world in such a constant pessamistic and negative light.
I have tried to open up to friends, but I can never do it. Always paranoid about what the person will think of me after I let them know what really goes through my head, to most I seem like a reasonably adjusted person, and I am terrified of breaking that image. Argh, I feel so alone, I can't seem to let anyone close to me because I feel it's a sign of weakness (I know it's not).
I havn't had a partner for years, and every time I seem to be getting somewhere with someone, I end up paranoid and neurotic mess, which usually puts a nail in the coffin pretty swiftly... At a time when you're supposed to be feeling excited and happy too.
Plus I'm not the best looking person ever, and most of the time I feel I act like/am bit of a cock. So not exactly a catch to anyone. Nor am I the most outgoing or confident, so realisticaly, the chances of me meeting someone are pretty small, but I'm not here to winge about my lack of romance.
It's sad, every day I wake up and try to be positive and have a positive outlook, but after a few hours I am back to the same old negative mess, hating the day, just wanting to go home, but when I get home there is no salvation for it. Just more time to focus on shit thoughts without distraction... It really makes me want to cry a lot of the time, but I havn't cried in years, even when I want too, because once again, in my fucked up head it's a sign of weakness, even though I know it's not, and even if it was, no one would know, but I can't, every time I feel it coming, something happens and holds it back.
I don't know where I'm going with this really, just needed to get it out. If anyone cares to read this and can relate, or is feeling a similar way, please let me know what you do/did to stop it.
You know what's really fucking sad. I have tried to put as little information about who I am as possible, just in case the 1 in a million happens, and someone I know reads this and guesses it's me and sees how weak I actually am. HOW PATHETIC IS THAT!!!
x
I don't know what's happening to me. Every time I start to get happy, or something looks like it's going right I start to get really anxious, neurotic and paranoid and ALWAYS ruin anything that looks like it might be going right before it even starts to go right. Every time.
I can't escape my thoughts, paranoid crazyness going through my head pretty much all the time, stupid scenarios that I know are not true run through my head over and over until I start to think they are, and have to tell myself harder and harder that it's not. But I just can't clear my mind, can't get any peace from stupid thoughts that constantly play on my mind. Every moment I'm awake and it's so depressing to be constantly thinking and convincing yourself that the worst will always happen and looking on this beautiful world in such a constant pessamistic and negative light.
I have tried to open up to friends, but I can never do it. Always paranoid about what the person will think of me after I let them know what really goes through my head, to most I seem like a reasonably adjusted person, and I am terrified of breaking that image. Argh, I feel so alone, I can't seem to let anyone close to me because I feel it's a sign of weakness (I know it's not).
I havn't had a partner for years, and every time I seem to be getting somewhere with someone, I end up paranoid and neurotic mess, which usually puts a nail in the coffin pretty swiftly... At a time when you're supposed to be feeling excited and happy too.
Plus I'm not the best looking person ever, and most of the time I feel I act like/am bit of a cock. So not exactly a catch to anyone. Nor am I the most outgoing or confident, so realisticaly, the chances of me meeting someone are pretty small, but I'm not here to winge about my lack of romance.
It's sad, every day I wake up and try to be positive and have a positive outlook, but after a few hours I am back to the same old negative mess, hating the day, just wanting to go home, but when I get home there is no salvation for it. Just more time to focus on shit thoughts without distraction... It really makes me want to cry a lot of the time, but I havn't cried in years, even when I want too, because once again, in my fucked up head it's a sign of weakness, even though I know it's not, and even if it was, no one would know, but I can't, every time I feel it coming, something happens and holds it back.
I don't know where I'm going with this really, just needed to get it out. If anyone cares to read this and can relate, or is feeling a similar way, please let me know what you do/did to stop it.
You know what's really fucking sad. I have tried to put as little information about who I am as possible, just in case the 1 in a million happens, and someone I know reads this and guesses it's me and sees how weak I actually am. HOW PATHETIC IS THAT!!!
x