Whats wrong with me?

ShaariAvadon

Greenlighter
Joined
Apr 5, 2010
Messages
12
Location
England
Sorry to winge on here, I know I havn't been here long, but it seems like a place where you can open up without judgement.

I don't know what's happening to me. Every time I start to get happy, or something looks like it's going right I start to get really anxious, neurotic and paranoid and ALWAYS ruin anything that looks like it might be going right before it even starts to go right. Every time.

I can't escape my thoughts, paranoid crazyness going through my head pretty much all the time, stupid scenarios that I know are not true run through my head over and over until I start to think they are, and have to tell myself harder and harder that it's not. But I just can't clear my mind, can't get any peace from stupid thoughts that constantly play on my mind. Every moment I'm awake and it's so depressing to be constantly thinking and convincing yourself that the worst will always happen and looking on this beautiful world in such a constant pessamistic and negative light.

I have tried to open up to friends, but I can never do it. Always paranoid about what the person will think of me after I let them know what really goes through my head, to most I seem like a reasonably adjusted person, and I am terrified of breaking that image. Argh, I feel so alone, I can't seem to let anyone close to me because I feel it's a sign of weakness (I know it's not).

I havn't had a partner for years, and every time I seem to be getting somewhere with someone, I end up paranoid and neurotic mess, which usually puts a nail in the coffin pretty swiftly... At a time when you're supposed to be feeling excited and happy too.
Plus I'm not the best looking person ever, and most of the time I feel I act like/am bit of a cock. So not exactly a catch to anyone. Nor am I the most outgoing or confident, so realisticaly, the chances of me meeting someone are pretty small, but I'm not here to winge about my lack of romance.

It's sad, every day I wake up and try to be positive and have a positive outlook, but after a few hours I am back to the same old negative mess, hating the day, just wanting to go home, but when I get home there is no salvation for it. Just more time to focus on shit thoughts without distraction... It really makes me want to cry a lot of the time, but I havn't cried in years, even when I want too, because once again, in my fucked up head it's a sign of weakness, even though I know it's not, and even if it was, no one would know, but I can't, every time I feel it coming, something happens and holds it back.

I don't know where I'm going with this really, just needed to get it out. If anyone cares to read this and can relate, or is feeling a similar way, please let me know what you do/did to stop it.

You know what's really fucking sad. I have tried to put as little information about who I am as possible, just in case the 1 in a million happens, and someone I know reads this and guesses it's me and sees how weak I actually am. HOW PATHETIC IS THAT!!!

x
 
I would guess there are a lot of people on BL who feel the same way, myself included. Not all the time but enough to be a problem.

Have you thought about talking to a doctor about it? That's what I ended up doing. They sent me to a psychiatrist (which luckily was free). I don't know if they helped that much but it was at least good to talk about things.

If you can't because of your fear of being seen as weak... maybe you should address that fear - why do you have it in the first place?

It might seem counter intuitive but if you open up to a close friend (just take it slowly at first) they will like you more because they'll (hopefully) be able relate to your fears and feelings - it will be something in common that you share and it will bring you closer.

I think maybe some of your problems could be helped by simply changing your way of thinking. Waking up feeling positive is a good start, but the next time the negative / self defeating thoughts start to intrude, stop. Hold it in your mind and look at where it came from. Don't judge the thought, don't judge yourself. Just get to know it... that's the first step to overcoming it.

Just remember that you're not alone, and that sometimes it takes a lot of strength to show others your weakness.
 
Is there a deeper issue there under the surface when it comes to showing weakness maybe? If you've been made to think that only sissies talk about feelings, then it starts sinking in and you start believing it.,

I agree with vagueblur, find a friend who you feel most comfortable with and just tell them that you're having some issues and ask them if they'd be happy to discuss your issues with you to help you. This way, you don't have to reveal what's going on if they aren't comfortable (even though i'd be a bit annoyed if they said they weren't comfortable because thats what friends are for, right?)

Either way, if you can open up, even just a little bit and try a bit at a time until you become more comfortable with talking to them about this stuff.

Also seeing a psych or your doctor is a good idea, they are there for people like you to talk to and to help you manage your problems. No one should feel alone because there are always support networks there, it just might be that people are too scared to use them, or don't know how to find them.

I don't know where you live, but if you google mental health or psychologists in your area, you should be able to find something. I know if you're in Australia, you can get a referral from your GP for up to 6 free psych visits, but i'm not sure if that's per year, of 6 total.

A small thing to try, go with your gut instinct and decide what you think of something or what you feel about something and don't let that voice inside your head change that.. Once you start trusting your instinct and you start seeing that your instinct was correct and your little voice was wrong, it may help you to stop listening to the pessimist inside you.

PM me if you want to talk!
 
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