whats lost can never be the topic of discussion.

[undead]

ive been lost before, but this time feels a little different. the number of bullets has never equaled the number of empty spots left in the chamber as it does tonight. the ammount of whisky in the bottle has never seemed enough to keep me drunk. the television set has never lit the room enough to let me see the things that i deem important, but its never been as dark as it is now.

i could stand upon the loss, the misunderstood, the cunning words that brought me here. i could find the loophole in my own plan and escape the final words that led me to this conclusion, but who then would i be? its always raining when it needs to be sunny and always sunny when it needs to be dark. its not much more than a praise gone sour, a smile turned wretched, a heart charred by the smoke of the fire that i used to burn the evidence of a saddened life, but this is never over, and never will be.

can something so tragic find the cloud that hope resides in? or will the search reveal itself with no more to show than the sky at a quarter past midnight? the moon will still be lit, but the only things that show are shadows. and this place that i call home is always just a blink away, even if i havent any idea where i am, but yet it always feels so far away and i cant help but feel that im always just outside of an arms reach. a hug was never so desired, but then again i have never felt so shamed. a badge that i've designed to wear in public, to which has never been worn in private. a scream so lost in noise that im the only one who knows that it existed. and it will be the end of me.

a life once lived in shambles left to a coroner to decide its means of transportation. a home thats finally suited for the cause. and words were finally spoken in the graces of good company. this war was never over, but it was never won.

 

[(Wordy)]

Your opening paragraph... creates a tense, desperate atmosphere.

May I ask, is this autobiographical? If you'd prefer not to say, then cool...

 

[undead]

yeah it is. though it was odd because normally i dont write things like that unless im really feeling low, but last night i was drinking and doing a stream of conscience and not really feeling too bad in all honesty so it felt kind of cloaked. i have my waves i suppose. for the time being, however, ive been feeling pretty well.

btw, i come from a good home, so i dont want you to think my family is bad to me or anything hehe, i just always have ALOT on my mind. besides that, i overanalyze EVERYTHING, so it tends to build up alot of stress, and im not a particularly affectionate person so its hard for me to talk the stress out of my system. im a listener and an observer, not much of a talker. thats why i write and draw.

 

[(Wordy)]

i just always have ALOT on my mind. besides that, i overanalyze EVERYTHING, so it tends to build up alot of stress, and im not a particularly affectionate person so its hard for me to talk the stress out of my system. im a listener and an observer, not much of a talker.

I can definitely sympathise. Sounds a little bit like me in some ways... or at least the way I was a few years ago. I've found that regular meditation really helps with these things, especially unclouding the mind, reducing stress / anxiety, and being able to connect with others. Although granted, it's not for everyone.