What's going on?

[SpaceMildo]

Okay i'm back to have another cry.
What the fuck is life anymore? Is this just being a teenager or.. like am i fucked? I can't sleep. I can not sleep.. Not the type of teenager to go to bed at 1am and wake up at fucking 9 and have a moan.. I mean i spend the fucking whole night away living one side of my life. The side where i do what i can to get fucked up for whatever reason i do drugs for now? I''ve spent two weeks living like this. I need my fucking sleep guys that shit is realllly important, I see that now i really do? Like fuck this guys FUCK THIS, I wake up and i have to live a double life where i lie to someone who means a lot to me. I tell that girl she's reason i've stopped doing drugs while i light another bowl or think about getting fucked to the point where i feel brain dead and all i can do is look at the wall for few hours and forget about it after the highs gone, Not that lying hurts because i need my fucking fix. Jack shits going to stop be from that either.. No matter what if i don't find drugs they'll find me such a never ending hating love God i want to die. Can someone who's been though being a teenager tell me how to fucking deal with this shit? Cunts fucked. CUNTS FUCKED!
I have to tell my mum i'm addicted in order to get help from the person i want... Guys what do i do? What the fuck do i do.. I've caused her a lot of shit in the past a lot of really expensive sleep stopping and condom regrets. I used to rob houses and sash them up when i 6 to 11, Had the cops at my house so many times i can't even count.. And she blames that on herself? It's not her fault though my environment was pretty fucked up. Now i have to tell her i'm addicted to drugs to the point where i can't sleep anymore? To the point where my anxiety is through the fucking roof. Too the point where i want to leave my room and go hang out with someone but i don't know how? I can't do it unless we're both going to doing drugs or if i never had anxiety their judgement pushs me back into my seat.. it's not even the fact they'll make fun of me.. it;s the embarrassment they'll feel when someone else see's me and that kid hanging out. Then theres time where i just want to be alone? Like talk over condescending thoughts FUCK ME IN THE ASS. What even if life? Are all Adults aliens..? Super humans. Whoever invented emotions needs a really big bullet. I think i'm crazy like i really fucking do.. I spend that much time.. Like i don't how it sounds to whoevers reading this when i say i spend so much time thinking.. But i seriously really really do spend a lot of time thinking.. So much so many hours.. Only if steam could record that.
I've learnt to love my addiction because of the fact it makes me different from everyone else.. Like i'm not one those teenage fuckboys.. I have a personally it might be more twisted then my generation.. But at least i'm not the same like all those queers, i don't even know anymore really i'm not all too sure what to do or what is going on.. I really don't

 

[herbavore]

The problem is that your thinking is not straying from the one track it has now turned to a deep rut! When thinking turns from an exploratory expedition into just watching the same mind-movie over and over and over....you begin to think you are crazy.

The desperation you feel is understandable--especially when you are not sleeping at all (a form of torture). One of the first things you might do is to see if you can go to a doctor and let them know that you are literally not able to sleep. Depending on the doctor and how sympathetic you feel they may be, you could also discuss the trap you find your mind in with drugs. Be cautious, but not paranoid or fatalistic ("No one can help so I have to hide this").

It's a huge struggle for all of us to stop caring what others think. We can't actually control what anyone thinks of us any more than they can control what we think of them. Obviously, there is a balance here. You want people to see you, to see the best in you and accept the rest, knowing you are as flawed as anyone else. But do you do that for yourself? Do you do that for others? If you can find the end of the string, the judgmental voice in your own head, you can work on undoing the knot. Life gets sooooo much easier to live when you can step all the way outside of that paradigm of constant judgment. Was there ever anyone in your life (a grandparent, a friend?) that you knew you could completely be yourself with? Try an exercise in your head where you close your eyes and make a space to feel accepted in that same way by yourself. It might feel ridiculous or cheezy or artificial at first--but try it anyway, for a few minutes a day. Just make a pact to reject any judgmental thoughts. If your mind immediately goes to , "This is stupid", try responding with humor, "It won't be the first stupid thing I've done."

Bottom line is this: calm, compassionate curiosity for life, starting with the life inside you. You can't always stay the course, but you can come back to that compass any time once you get it set.