TDS What's going on people! Draven here! (Depression and meth use)

[Draven26]

Hows it going bluelight! Well my name is Draven I'm from Cali. 26 years old and engaged to my beautiful girl. I am struggling with addiction but have been clean for 2 years. I don't get mad cravings but I definitely feel depressed and miss being on Crystal Meth. I have been using for 10 years on and off and I'm happy that I've been off of it. I'm supplementing with Tyrosine and St. Johns Wart. And some days are better than others but lately it just seems like all I want to do is sleep all day. I don't want to go to the gym or look for a job. My motivation is just not there and the hardest part is being in a relationship and my fiance having to deal with me being depressed and not wanting to do anything but dwell on it. I don't want to go back to Meth.. but I fear that if I stay like this I am gonna lose my mind and just run away and go back. I'm here to learn about other things that will help me that I can take and do to help me. I'm taking ECA and going walking during the day but even ECA really isn't doing much but upsetting my stomach. I have a high tolerance to stimulants and I've taken a lot of fat burners/energy supplements with no results. They just make me nauseous and lethargic. If anyone has any advice I would definitely appreciate it! I just want something that will benefit me in the long run! Thank you!

 

[spork]

Welcome to Bluelight, Draven and congrats on 2 years of being clean!! That's something you should definitely be proud of. Have you thought about talking to a therapist and/or psychiatrist? It sounds like you might be depressed. When I was using meth, I did so to self-medicate because of my underlying psychological issues. I wasn't able to figure that out til years after quitting, but just knowing allowed me get the help I needed to feel better. You should check out The Dark Side. You can get a lot of support and good advice there. I think you'll fit in well.

Take care of yourself and if you have any questions, feel free to PM me or ask here.

 

[Draven26]

Thing is I tried going to a psychiatrist/therapist and several doctors and I told them that I have ADD but because of my past drug history they won't give me anything. They only offered Strattera and I tried that but I had no results. It made me even more tired than I was before. Now I don't have health insurance, no job, or money. I honestly just want to call it quits. It's hard being sober even after 2 years of being clean =/ I don't know what to do. And yes I will admit I am very depressed. I just don't know what I am going to do. I don't know what my options are! I've been applying everywhere looking for work so that I could have money to get health insurance and all that.. but every door keeps closing and I just find myself waking up in hell every single day!

 

[spork]

Have you thought of an anti-depressant medication or talk therapy at all? I know how tempting it can be to try to get on stimulants, but I think in the long run taking a different route could be a lot better for you. I do think it's good that you're getting at least a little bit of exercise in daily, keep doing that. If nothing else, it gives you a little something to look forward to every day. Keep your head up and keep on fighting the negative thoughts, you can get through this and things will get better. Don't give up.

 

[Draven26]

I have thought about anti-depressants and therapy but I don't have health insurance and I am not working at the moment =/ been looking for a job for over a year now and I am 26 years old with a lot of work experience. I just don't know how much longer I could stay like this without totally just giving up all together.. it's too hard for me you know?

 

[spork]

Moving to TDS per OP request

 

[herbavore]

Hi Draven--I know so many people right now from ten years younger than you to twenty years older that are unemployed and that contributes greatly to loss of self esteem and depression. I know that there are probably deeper issues at play but just know that it probably is somewhat circumstantial. Having to look for work and try to sell yourself and getting rejected over and over takes its toll on even the strongest ego. Have you tried registering with a temp agency? Sometimes those can make a huge difference. Also, I'm not sure what county you are in but there are sometimes free services through county mental health.

Whatever you do, don't give in to the seduction of meth or even a stim like Adderall. Keep telling yourself the down side (which I know you probably know very well) and try not to dwell on how good you remember feeling; after all that good feeling never lasted right? And all the negatives would just compound your depression and jeopardize your relationship with your fiance. Life is always going to drag you down at times and you can use this time to lay the groundwork of dealing with it clean. There is a lot of free help online--from learning to reverse negative self-talk, to mindfulness meditation that might really help you. I have been watching a lot of documentaries lately on you tube (mostly about bi-polar but you could do the same with depression) that are informative and actually quite empowering. Good luck and use this thread for daily support. Everybody here is pulling for you.

 

[fifleman]

Draven26:

Run the situation through your head. Run the scenario of you using meth again. What will happen to you? What will happen to your girlfriend? What will happen to your family? What will happen to your possessions? What will happen to your mind? What will happen with your emotions? What will happen with your depression? What will happen to your physical body? What will happen to your physical health? What will happen if you use crystal meth again? How is this going to affect you and your surroundings?

Drinking or using is not going to help me get anywhere today. If I use my old addiction of intoxicants or a new one of whatever I may obsess over to escape reality, then where is that going to get me? I have to ask myself that when I may think about escaping/using. When I feel out of control, it's actually me not wanting to be in control.

When I am discontent, it is because I am sitting back and waiting for the whip to pain me to the marrow of my bones before I make a move. Sometimes I am poor this way. When I am excellent, I make a move by instinct, by knowing it's the next best thing for me to do. I do not have to wait for even the shadow of the whip. I am poor and excellent. I am also in between.

To sum it up, Buddha said "yeah dude, life sucks". So how do we, as sentient, emotional beings, transcend the sucking? How can we transcend suffering? I don't know what it is for you Draven26, but for me it's my enlightenment to know that life is good sometimes, life is bad sometimes, and life is everywhere in between. I'm a big-wave surfer, man. I surf the small, insignificant waves; I surf the two-story life-changing waves; and I surf the in between-waves that help me hone my skill to glide over the small and carve my own path on the big.

It's about what you want, Draven26. If you want to self-loathe over the fact that life can suck, you have every right to do so. If you want gratitude so grandeur that a lady bug's seemingly insignificant, daily path is enlightenment, you have every right to attain it. What do you want in this life and what are you willing to do for it?

If I want more, I have to do more. Nothing is going to change if I don't make the first move. My world starts with me and ends with me.

Listen to your heart, man. Herbavore mentioned mindfulness and I would suggest checking it out. Also, what about that beautiful girlfriend of yours? When was the last time you bought some 99¢ tea candles, got the (free) fallen off rose petals from a florist, and had a romantic dinner/bath/night? You can improve in so many areas of your life, my man. Relationships, your own mental capacity, your external enjoyment, your external achievements. I would ache for you as my brother in humanity if you were to piss away the potential of this moment for crystal meth.

When I feel like escaping, it's an opportune time to fuse my "problems", my suffering, my discontent, my uncomfortable feelings, all of the negative in with the positive. I cannot have good without the bad. It also means I cannot treat bad in a more special way by using drugs to exacerbate the feeling. I simply have to feel good, feel bad, and watch it go. Exist knowing it is but a frame of mind and "this to shall pass".

You will be OK.

Live your life daily in a way that you never lose yourself. When you are carried away with your worries, fears, cravings, anger, and desire, you run away from yourself and you lose yourself. The practice is always to go back to oneself -- Thich Nhat Hanh

 

[stilesface]

Fifleman...not my thread, just reading to keep the cravings incheck, but great response. Thank you.

Draven...I am only 45 days off meth and I lost so much. I was sitting outside tonight and counting the damn body count, so to speak: integrity, sense of self, respect, honesty etc and I gave all of it and more. My ex called it the red cape, you may never touch it again but you'll always remember what it was like chasing the red cape. 2 years man, you've put 2 years between you and that chase. That's phenomenal. What a great accomplishment. Let me tell you, when I hit 2 years I'm throwing myself a party. Embrace your girl, your youth and life. Life is a bag of good, bad and hope.

Good luck. I just keep telling myself that somewhere down the road lies a moment here or there of unexpected bliss as long as I keep moving along.

 

[Draven26]

Wow thank you fifleman and thank you stilesface. I really don't know what to say! I'm speechless right now. Fifleman I saved what you wrote to my word pad and I'll remind myself to read it everyday and really just sit and think about what I want in my life. My mind tells itself it hasn't felt the worst pain that comes from Meth but I know I have! I've gotten so lucky to not die! So many close calls I don't know why I just can't forget about it! I think it's because when I dove into Crystal Meth I didn't know what I was getting myself into especially when I was using it everyday! I didn't know that the ordinary things were going to be more joyful and amazing like showering, shaving.. oh man when I shaved my face the hairs would easily come off probably because my skin was so damn oily that it had its own personal moisturizer and cleaning was amazing same with writing music and playing the piano and working out I would be able to deadlift so much as well as squatting. I would curl 70s and bust out 3-4 sets of 8 to 10 no problem. I know I could work myself to getting my confidence back and enjoying the simple things in life.. I just wish I could undo it and not have had to self medicate with Meth because it feels like my pleasure senses are just gone and I want to go back to being normal you know? Not obsessing over something I know I never want to go back to. I mean definitely a little part of me wants to just because I care about myself but sometimes it just gets old being with my lady and her talking about God and let's go to church. I'm Christian.. probably a work in progress because I curse and I obsess over the stupid things in life but I'm only human.. but sometimes when I am going through my struggles I don't want to hear about God being there for me because I already know he's there! He's been there since day one.. I just don't want to hear his name because I feel like he's so disappointed in me still thinking about drugs and I don't want to disappoint him.. kind of like your Father but higher you know I don't know. I just want to get past this already.. and I should give myself credit for being clean 2 years. Just hope I get my sanity back and my energy levels back to normal. But thanks guys! It's good to know there are people that are supportive! I'm sorry if I've been difficult to deal with!

 

[ad lib]

I don't really think I can top those two awesome posts by fifleman and stilesface- they were awesome- but I'll give my $0.02 anyway!

First, congratulations on your sobriety. That is amazing. I have been officially 21 days off opiates after a 2+ year addiction and I am so proud of myself, I bet you are proud of yourself too! Getting clean is such an accomplishment and means for celebration. It shows your inner strength, will power, and determination.

Since drugs were a part of your life for so long, you will always somewhat miss them and what the lifestyle entailed. Like Sepher said, drugs filled a hole that we had and now that we are off of drugs, we have to find something else to put into that hole to make us feel like we are one again. In my personal experience, every day is a struggle and temptation to go back to using, but I don't because I know I don't want to go down that dark road again. Sobriety is the best route for us to take. Your feelings of depression are normal. You mention not having any insurance, but sometimes there are centers that offer special payment arrangements, discounted services, etc for those without insurance. It's worth taking a look into? Drugs will only mask the problems you are facing and feelings you are having, treating the root cause is ideal.

Welcome to Bluelight, you'll receive a ton of support here!

 

[Draven26]

Thank you so much rx_prn you're very sweet! Yeah I'll definitely look into it and see if there are special health centers that might take me in I know there is a free clinic close to my house I will have to look it up and call them to get more info.

 

[stilesface]

Draven: I'm not the best person in the God department, but I've put a ton of thought into it. I always considered myself an atheist, but I find myself still giving unexpected thanks to the universe. My best friend is like your girl and is always praying for me and urging me to just give the enormity of my addictions and pains to God. At first it would drive me crazy, but I recognize that is what she needs to help her continue to help me. So I pray with her and her husband and let her do whatever she needs to do because I realize that I need her in my life. Let your girl do whatever she needs to do or so to center herself because she's using a healthy outlet. Any God who created humanity would have to be understanding of our human flaws....I would think. Even as an athiest I seek redemption from the universe, but be conscientious that the cycle of guilt and shame can lead back to using and don't allow the guilt you carry towards God lead you back to meth or using.

When life seems to be too much for me to process I just work out and put the desire to use on a back burner while I run into exhaustion or beat up a punching bag until I feel like my arms will fall off. And be proud of yourself, celebrate your two years, celebrate the part of you at your depths that recognizes your worth enough to have quit, stayed sober and is reaching out for help right now. The core of you obviously knows you're worth it.

 

[Allein]

I understand how attractive stims can be, I still indulge form time time but not meth and never more than 2 days straight.

There is no doubt in my mind that in the past I was using them as a means of self harm along side Benzos and Booze, I'd carry on going even though I know I was in anguish and my mental state was deteriorating, I think I deserved to feel that way and the self loathing was always present.

Prior to this behaviour I had long history of drug use, having spent at least ten years doing amphemines and MDMA in quantity every weekend, that had started out as recreation but had become quite reckless with the quantities involved.

The need for ADs is a massive area for discussion, I believe a good No. rule is that unless you have been properly diagnosed with acute or severe Depression you simply do not need them and in some cases will do more harm than good. For a while I was on ADs and chlorpromazine as well as sleeping medication it served it's purpose for a few weeks but them KI took myself off them both.

Not long after I began to feel ill once more and began the slow process of trying ADs, after finally seeing the people I should have done to begin with they put me on Venlafaxine, I managed to stop drinking, stop taking benzos ( not legal ones) and complete a course of face to face CBT, following that I secured a new Job as I hated the old place so much.

Don't misunderstand me, I'm not saying ADs are for you, but for me they have my the breathing place I needed to address at least some of my biggest underlying problems, which as you might expect went way back to my childhood. IMO too many people make wide sweeping generalisations about all ADs being bad, but a believe they represent a useful tool for the medical profession when used as part of a coherent treatment program
.