What's changed?

Perhaps a week and a half ago I was, as they say, 'Happy, Joyous and Free'. Since then, this has changed. I'm noticing that I am extremely angry, judgmental and hypocritical.

I am either doing something new or am NOT doing something that I once was. I'm unsure. Something is going on within myself that I can't put my finger on.

I honestly believe that I was a kinder person when I was using and I don't get it. I'm doing things differently now in a good way but feel bad on the inside.

I am very edgy lately and walk around with a chip on my shoulder. Why? Isn't it enough for me that I'm not in pain anymore? What happened to my plans on getting involved in volunteer work? Why do I go to meetings wanting to punch a motherfucker in the head?

I made three meetings today. One from 11 am to 1 pm, one from 7:30 to 9 and another from 10 to 11:15. I don't even leave the meeting to take a piss, I can't afford to miss a word.

My sponsor has me reading 'Who is an addict?' every day for 30 days and I am 11 days into that assignment. If I miss a day, I start over.

I am 9 days into my 90 meetings in 90 days. This is my third or fourth attempt since being discharged from rehab. If I miss a day, I start over.

I give newcomers (like me) rides to meetings and have developed a camaraderie with two dudes that I hang out with on a daily basis and go to meetings with.

I buy folks coffee and cigarettes even though I only work 5 hours a week.

I exercise like a motherfucker. This used to make me feel good but now it only strokes my ego because I am noticing that I am looking good now. I need to look good because I want to be someone's ideal physically, mentally and emotionally.

WHAT AM I MISSING? I must be missing something or doing the right thing for the wrong reason SOMEWHERE in this thing.

I kinda think that I need to NOT hang with the newcomer but if I do that I will only have MY opinion of myself which will always be biased.

Perhaps that is the problem. Others don't think I'm as great as I think I am and this bothers me?

I think I'll print this out and share it with my sponsor.

I NEED TO GET WELL but people tell me its a slow process and that as an addict I want what I want RIGHT NOW.

Perhaps I am just experiencing growing pains?

I know that I don't like how I'm feeling because it just doesn't seem right.

Fuck, I dunno.

 

How long do you have...? I have 9 months and the first 3-5 months were pretty rough and I was all over the place. Ready to make a change that would make me feel better. I stook it out and I can say it does get much better. Right around the 8 month mark I started feeling much better overall. I am a little over 9 months now and things are looking up, feeling wise.

I still have to do a little work still and adjust my social life, get a job, get back into school and I am sure things will even be better. Add a girlfriend onto that I am thinking at the 12 months mark all of those will come into play and at the rate I have been feeling, things will be fucking great.

To say that looking back how I was a year ago and always pretty much being pro-drug and to think I could feel better with out the use of drugs is a little mind bending. For me I get that excitment from other things, relationships in the past I have ALWAYS been deep under the influence. Now that I am clean and a completely different person. I have a feeling that this next relationship I have will be one of the best year.

Sometimes I have to pinch myself sometimes, laughing smiling and drugs arent in my body or even in my mind. Feels good but sporatic. I need to work on those other issues with myself and the skys the limit.

Recovery is great, its a whole new life for me and at times a very uncomfortable life but nothing like the uncomfort of daze past. Keep on keep on it will get better and this is comming form a junkie that has been there and done that for the last 20 years of my life. Up and Downs but the downs are getting much better.

Hopefully I will be ready for the next bump/period of recovery, I forget how people break down certain time frames of recovery and what is usually felt during those. 3 mon, 6 mon., 9 mon., 1 year, 1.5 year, etc. Should be an interesting ride and anything is better than where I was.

Peace,
Seedless

 

You're going to laugh but I have 50 days as of the end of the 10th.

Your words help but I can't stand this feeling that I may be a worse person than I was prior to recovery

 

oh! I definitely prefer NA over AA but will hit an AA meeting if in a pinch.

 

Maybe the problem is that you are taking "the program" like it's some kind of miracle cure or gospel. Going to 4 hours and 45 minutes of meetings in a single day is (to me at least) ridiculous overkill. If you ever want to chat about this shit let me know, it's always good to talk to other people trying to get their lives together. I am personally disillusioned with the whole 12-step thing, for reasons too long to get into here, but if you are able to be a better person and (most importantly) are happy, then it doesn't matter how you accomplish it.

 

^ You could post an entry in your own blog if you'd like to discuss your issues with 12 step programs. It's always good to hear different opinions on the same subject, as long as everyone is civil of course.

 

Wow.. you know, I'm brand new here and I don't know you at all but I accidentally stumbled onto your post here and... I heard you loud + clear.

I wonder if you could let me know what happened and what's your state of mind these days?

I've never been in any 12-steps myself and I don't think I have enough knowledge or experience to really get behind an opinion on the 12-step program.

So, I always ask people who have been through it, especially if they make a connection with me through something they've said, etc. I hope I'm not being out-of-line by asking. I hope you tell me if I am.

Thanks,
- Manny
(my profile is my funny way of being anonymous; what i say is for real; i wish i could make this a signature)

 

Hey manny, sorry imma little late in responding. I pretty much Blog my ass off about everything that goes on with me (some of it is whiny some of it is ok but its me).

Briefly, I was clean, confident and comfortable after being clean for 10 months. I have since started using again and I'm a fuckin' mess three months later.

Everything is temporary so, sometimes a dude just gotta grab his nuts and hang on until it passes. Sometimes it gets worse before it gets better. I think I'm on the cusp of worse right now.

Welcome to Blogs by the way!